Name: Whitney Cummings & Theo Von Talk About Dating Comics
Uploaded: 2018-09-20T00:09:04.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Whitney Cummings & Theo Von Talk About Dating Comics' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-09-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Whitney Cummings & Theo Von Talk About Dating Comics' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-09-20. Transcript available.

Hey Theo, this question is for Whitney.
Hi.
If she could hook up with one current comedy store comedian, a regular, who
would that be?
Just to have sex with?
And that is all.
Is this to have sex with?
Thank you very much.
Oh, thank you, sir.
Have a lovely show.
Love you.
Whoa, dude.
Quit stalking her, first of all.
Continue stalking me.
Add to cart.
Download my show.
I don't give a fuck.
Joey Diaz maybe would be good.
I love Joey Diaz.
Is this just to have sex with or is this to marry?
I don't know.
What does hook up with even mean anymore?
I think these days it just means at least look into the eyes.
How old am I that hook up to me means the one I want to marry?
Fuck out of here.
So sad.
How sad is that?
I don't do that.
I was with...
That's so funny.
I don't even know if that's valuable, but it's played so well.
It seems like they have a good credit score.
I love Joey Diaz.
That feels so weird because it feels like incest to me.
Comics to me feel so platonic.
So say even a platonic husbandship that you had to be in someone with.
Oh, God.
This is going to get me in trouble.
I feel it.
Brian Callen.
Wow.
I'm joking.
I mean, Brian makes me laugh.
Brian makes me laugh.
Oh, yeah.
Brian makes me laugh.
He just has this gift.
It's almost like...
You ever seen Tinkerbell?
It's like Tinkerbell's inside of him.
You know how Robin Hood has Tinkerbell?
Well, you know what it is?
It's like so much...
Is it Robin Hood?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Peter Pan.
Yeah, that's on their shoulders.
Yeah, he's just always like...
Yeah, he's always ready to...
Like, he doesn't even fucking sleep.
It's like...
Yeah.
He just hides behind a piece of ice all night.
He's like a jester.
Yes.
You know, he's like...
You know, I think that a big part of being a comic...
By the way, I did have a self-tanner fiasco, so I'm worried people are looking
at my hand.
Nobody can see us.
You're like, this isn't recording, you fucking idiot.
I think such a big part of being a stand-up is making the audience feel like
they're safe
with you.
Right.
Right?
Like, they're in good hands.
Right.
You know?
And when you trip up or you're like looking at your notes, all of a sudden they're
like,
uh-oh.
Like, this person might not know what they're doing.
They might not be in control.
Yes.
Or like, they might have a sense of doubt.
That's when you start giving the audience power.
That's why when people are like, oh, you guys don't think that's funny?
Whatever.
I'm always like, don't do that because then you're giving them power.
And then all of a sudden the curtain has been pulled away and they're in charge
and you
work for them now, right?
And Callan, when you're around Callan, you're just like, I know I'm not going
to have to
do any work right now.
He's just going to fucking do gymnastics.
He's planking.
Yeah.
His dick's out.
He's planking.
You know, he's doing pull-ups.
Like, I know that I can just sit on the bench.
Yeah, his dick's out.
How about it's doing Romeo and Juliet?
I remember.
Like, he's such a fucking unique character.
He said, he's doing an impression of a bird.
He's hanging from the sea.
He's Spider-Man.
Oh, now he's in endangered species.
He's scaling a wall.
Yeah.
I'm like, you know, I just don't have to do shit right now.
It's like, I just get to go on a vacation.
I love that.
I don't have to even have a conversation because he's going to do some fucking
vagina monologue.
That's true.
Like, I just have to do, it's just the, so I could live with someone like that
where
I feel like I'm just, I'm just being served.
Me too.
I could be in a, I could be in a platonic three-way marriage with you and Brian
Callen.
Who would you, who would you date?
Have you ever dated a comic?
I don't know.
Schumer and I dated for a little bit.
Is that true?
Yeah.
I didn't know that.
Yeah, she and I did it right before a movie came out and it wasn't, I don't
know.
Between us and us, I just didn't, it didn't, she didn't leave me.
I just didn't, I didn't have trust in her.
Like, she always like wanted me.
Were you a boyfriend and girlfriend exclusive?
I don't know.
Oh.
I don't know.
I felt like I just was like, at a certain point, I felt like it was a little
bit of
like a puppet, kind of like, kind of just like a little sex puppet, you know,
at a certain
point.
Isn't that like every guy's dream?
But it wasn't my dream.
Oh.
You know, kind of, I don't think.
How did it end?
But she used like this, or she didn't use it, but we talked about like this
bigger idea,
like this bigger kind of thing, you know?
So.
Of what?
Being together in a bigger way?
Yeah.
And she would like bring it up some.
It was, I mean, it was like maybe three or four months, you know?
But we'd always been sweet on each other for a long time.
Like, we'd been like sweet on each other for like a decade.
Aw.
Because we did a show for Comedy Central together a long time ago.
Oh, the one with Burt?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Me, Burt, Tiffany Haddish.
Yeah, I remember that.
I remember, I just remember that show because I remember one day Burt Kreischer
showed up at the
improv or something and he was like sweating and he was all red.
He's like, yo, what's going on, homie?
He's like, I just drank two bottles of soy sauce.
I was like, what show is this?
That's so Burt.
Yeah, it's still so Burt.
I mean, he switched condiments, but same Burt.
I just drank two bottles.
I just dipped a whole can of wasabi.
Wait a second.
He's like, no, the show wrapped six months ago.
I just do it now.
It's just kind of my thing.
That's my Cialis.
Yeah, I just EpiPen myself right in the nuts.
Okay, so you've dated comics for real.
Not a bunch really though.
She was really only it.
Yeah.
You know?
But yeah, it just wasn't, I don't know.
She's a little more emotionally efficient than I am.
Say that again in a different way.
She's more emotionally efficient than I am.
What does that mean?
Emotions are inherently not efficient, right?
Right.
For me, they're not.
You know, for me, it's more of like a...
You mean she can navigate them more easily than you?
No, she just like...
Knows what she wants?
Yeah.
Knows what she wants, but to the point where for my speed, it wasn't a
comfortable speed.
Understanding.
Yeah.
I'm understanding.
It was just too...
I'm such a robot.
I just went understanding.
Yeah.
That's like what a robot would say.
Understanding.
Processing.
Scary.
But like, does the idea of dating a...
Like, so you're not intimidated by a woman who does comedy.
I think a lot of guys don't love it.
No, I'm not.
No, I'm not.
I think though, I wonder like when it gets to like the sense of like having a
family and kids
and like a mother...
More of like having a motherly environment be around.
Yeah.
You want someone that's going to be home when you're out.
Well, I don't want somebody with that fucking, you know, that Siberian womb.
But you know what ha...
Does that mean old?
No, it just means kind of brisk.
Yeah.
Definitely brisk.
But you know...
Like people hiking in the distance.
Pictures from far away.
There's...
Sleigh dogs.
Like I don't want...
You know, I want...
The epidemic of dating someone who after you break up becomes a comedian or
during their
relationship with you decides they want to start comedy is rampant.
Oh, yeah.
I dated two guys like two years ago that after we broke up, all of a sudden
they're like,
at flappers.
No way.
Stop.
It's like, what?
Yes.
No way.
Correct.
Yes.
Do you think you have that open Mike pussy?
And I know a lot of...
Do you think you do?
Do you think you have that?
The guy's name was Mike.
That's weird.
No way.
No, I'm joking.
I'm joking.
Oh, my God.
If that would have...
No, but like also what I know a lot of guys who are dating girls...
And I don't know if it's chicken or egg.
I don't know if they start dating me because they want to be comics and they
want to learn
how to do it.
Or if halfway through I somehow make it look so fucking easy that they're like,
I can do that.
Like, I don't know.
But I know a lot of guys who date girls and halfway through they're like, I
think I want
to start comedy.
Do you think that they feel like if they're not funny enough or they're not in
that world
that you're not going to want to be with them?
No.
I think they just genuinely see that like how, you know, they're like, oh, she
just goes
20 minutes a night.
Yeah.
This makes money.
Like, this shouldn't be...
This doesn't look hard.
She can do it.
I can fucking do it.
Or it's my fault.
I blame myself because I think I learned early on you have to laugh at a guy's
jokes even
if you don't think they're funny because I'm always trying to make sure, you
know what
I mean?
Make somebody okay.
So, yeah.
So, guys would be corny.
And I'm like, you're hilarious.
So, I probably enabled it.
Yeah.
I'm like, well, if Whitney thinks I'm funny, I must...
Yeah, do that thing where you juggle your farts again.
I'm getting bumped by...
I'm getting bumped by my ex.
I'm fucking ha-ha cafe.
Like, goddammit.
I love how cafe is at the end of it.
It's people just getting molested in the back.
And it's suddenly a fucking...
They got lattes.
It's like a Parisian cafe.
It's like a Parisian cafe.
Like, what?
That's so Persian.
Did you ever date any comics?
You said you didn't.
I haven't dated any comics.
But you're starting them.
You're starting them.
Yeah.
I'm like a manager.
I'm a developmental executive at this point.
I'm just a talent.
Yeah, your vagina's just claiming 10% from all these guys.
But yeah, who knows?
I don't know.
I think there is something extremely attractive about somebody that can make
you laugh.
I think, but it's also for me, like, it's just like, don't shit where you eat.
And like, it's already so hard to do stand-up.
The only thing that would make it worse if you had to like run into your ex in
the belly room.
Like working on new material.
Or like having your ex be like, so I'm fucking this girl last night.
You're just like, ah, why did I do this to myself?
I bet it wasn't that good.
Yeah, like, oh.
Were you ever there when Gary Goleman and April Macy got in a huge fight at
Westwood Brew Co.
When he was on stage?
I think that's when I was like, I'm never dating a comic.
Fucking ever.
And I love April.
I just, I love.
Oh, yeah.
I love her.
I think she's hilarious.
Me too.
Her story about her mom and stuff is so good.
But he's really funny too.
I just haven't seen a lot of him lately.
I've never seen Gary before.
You've never seen Gary Goleman in person?
I'm a fan.
No, I've never seen him in person.
But this motherfucker does 40 minutes on sugar cookies.
Like, how is he coming up with it?
Like, it's amazing.
He did, like, an hour on orange juice.
Yeah, that's crazy.
How?
Do you write jokes about that?
Like, how if you brush your teeth and then drink orange juice?
Yeah.
He's a beautiful, yeah, he's like Jimmy Schubert a little bit.
But it's like, it's like this weird art.
And he's like 6'4 and like a linebacker body.
Like, and he does jokes about like fucking, you know, Slim Jims.
And he's just like, how is it?
So he's like, anyway, so I was at Westwood Brewco one night.
I can't believe you weren't there.
This was 10.
All the shitty nights I was there and the one good night.
That's the one where you miss.
And he was on stage and there were like two people in the audience.
And April Macy was like, wait, I don't know how it happened.
But she was like screaming at him on stage.
It was fucking incredible.
And he's like, fuck you.
It was like, it was amazing.
But I was like, I'm never dating a comic.
That's what it's going to turn into.
Can you imagine the only thing worse than fighting with your boyfriend or
girlfriend
is doing it in front of college kids and other comics at 1 a.m. on a Tuesday.
And they don't know either one of you.
They're like, well, these fuck-ups.
Oh, these people are fucking.
At least let's watch that.
And they're in their 40s.
Like, just like, what the fuck?
Oh, my God.
Like, what a nightmare.
We're going to hell.
I think we're going to hell.
That's what I'm most scared of.
I think April's dating someone.
They're not together anymore.
She's fine.
No, we're going to hell, everybody.
Oh, we are?
The whole group.
Oh, all comics?
Can you imagine?
Like, if I was in a fight with my ex and I was about to go on and, like, work
on new material
and then he fucking shows up with his girlfriend?
What great material you'd get out of it?
Can you imagine that?
I would lose my fucking shit.
Did you ever see when Marc Maron and Dove Davidoff got in a fight in the OR?
Uh-uh.
They didn't date.
While Dove was on stage.
While, uh, while, uh, while Dove was on stage.
Or while Marc was on stage.
Mm-hmm.
And then they got in a big fight.
Yeah.
That's the kind of shit where you're just like, you know what?
This is worth it.
Like, one day I'll be able to tell that story.
Yeah.
I've had to listen to Marc, though.
It's been hectic sometimes.
Um.
Yeah.
I once yelled at Dove.
Were you there the night I yelled at Dove at the comedy store?
What were you yelling at Dove for?
Where have you been?
I feel like we missed, like, four years.
I feel like we missed every fucking year.
I feel like we have never, we never really have crossed that, that much paths.
You weren't there the night that I yelled at all the comedy store comics and
told them
to class it up?
That's such a Connecticut thing to say.
What does that even mean?
It's like somebody from France.
I lost my shit one night because it does take a toll on you.
Like, there were no female comics at the comedy store for so long.
And it was, like, me and, like, ten dudes, you know?
And, like, I was in bad relationship after bad relationship.
And I think I had maybe, a guy I was with had cheated on.
Like, I think we had broken up and he just, like, slept with someone, like, the
next day
or something.
And I was angry anyway.
And, like, I didn't have the, and I went in and I saw, like, someone was there
and talking
about a, brought a girl that, a different girl from the night before.
Like, I don't think I'd done anything wrong, but I just snapped.
Like, it triggered me.
And, like, I have all sorts of, like.
At Westwood Bruco?
No, this is the comedy store in the parking lot.
I was like, you need to class it up.
Everyone needs to class it up around here.
Like, I snapped.
Like, I was talking to my dad.
But I had to take it out on, you know, the fucking OR hallway.
Everybody I screamed at.
It's just dark out there in the parking lot.
Like, he's just like, what are you talking about?
Yeah, bitch.
Like, I'm driving your, I park your car.
What did they say?
So how was the fallout from that?
I think they learned pretty, I think they understood that it was, like, my shit.
And that it was just, it was taking a toll on me to see these single guys every
night live
in the way they live, which is, like, no judgment.
I think I was, it was starting to, like, just wear on me.
I think it was part of the reason I also leave so fast.
Because I'm like, I don't want to see cheating.
I don't want to see any of that shit.
Do you feel like you want to see guys be better than they are?
I get that from you sometimes.
Judgment.
Like, if you're not raping anybody, like, if you're cheating, that's your
business.
That's between you and your wife.
That's not, cheating's not illegal.
Right.
Like, if you're my friend, and I think you love your wife, and I know you're
going to
lose her, like, that's a bummer.
Maybe I'll say something if you have kids.
But now, like, and if you're famous, like, you know.
It's risky.
A lot of people's jobs are at stake, you know.
And so I'll feel bad, but it's not my business, you know.
It's not my business.
But that night, I just lost it.
Because I think that the problem is being around.
Class it up.
But also, guys think of me as, like, a bro.
So guys are like, yo, I just smashed this chick last night.
I'm just like, don't tell me, like, it really fucks up my paradigm of the world.
Right.
You know, it's not healthy for me to hear that all the time.
Yeah.
Because I have to go out and date guys.
Yeah.
I don't want to hear, like, how the sausage is.
Oh, it's just spinning.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So it was like Dove and Ahmed and they all, Mike Young, I remember.
Because I remember Mike.
Oh, that's a ladies' band, bro.
That is a Bermuda Triangle.
A vagina will go missing in between those three men.
That is a Bermuda Triangle.
I remember, like, Mike Young walked in.
I was like, and you.
Mike fucking Young comes in.
And, like, but he wasn't.
I don't even.
And he's like, hey.
Like, he was just the nicest guy.
And then, but I remember, I think it was, there was somebody.
I think it was, like, Al Magical came in and I was like, you're fine.
Oh, my God.
You're fine.
You're good.
Like, it was just like.
Yeah, yeah.
You sell shoes.
You're cool with me.
The rest of you.
I literally was.
I don't even want to raise my arm because I don't want to show it.
So I was doing a helicopter.
I was like, we need to class it up in the parking lot.
Like, Petey Pablo.
It was bat shit crazy.
I mean, no one has spoken of it since.
And no one even has the audacity to, like, make fun of it or bring it up
because it's just too dark.
The guano.
It's going to be called the guano episode.
Bat shit crazy.
It was bat shit crazy.
Those were the days of the store where it was, like, shit was so nuts.
Oh, it was crazy.
I remember I would go up at, like, one in the morning.
I learned a lot, though.
There was one time.
This actually changed my life.
I had just, I think it was around the same time, actually.
I was going through some shit.
And we were in the audience.
And, like, one in the morning, there was this woman in the audience, like,
three, like, black women in the back.
And I was talking about, like, I was having a real moment.
I would just go on stage and, like, read text messages to the audience and be
like, should I respond to this guy?
Like, I was just like.
Oh, anybody can be in there.
It was just insane.
I was going up at one in the morning.
It wasn't about comedy.
I would just literally go, like.
Yeah.
One person was a hat maker.
That, too, was on stage.
I'm like, what?
Oh, do you remember?
There was a fight.
Remember that time Byrne and Brett Ernst got in a fight in the audience?
Someone charged Steve Byrne while he was on stage.
And they fought the guy.
And this was back before food.
There was no food.
There was no food.
There was no audience.
And when he used to walk on stage, you'd, like, trip over a chair.
Oh, yeah.
You'd come off stage and just fall.
Like, it was so dangerous.
Emotionally, physically, all of it.
There was no food.
I don't think there was even drink.
People just brought in brown paper bags full of fucking.
People were just saving spit in their mouths.
Just, like, makers.
I was like, what is this?
People were making water in the back.
It was insane.
There was, like, a.
There was no men in women's room.
It was just one fucking bucket.
It was just people holding each other off of a back dock.
Just pissing into the lot.
It was a nightmare.
And then one time I was on stage and bombing at one in the morning.
And I was like, you guys, this guy, like, he didn't call me back.
What should I do?
And this woman just went, bitch.
She yelled at me.
They had no respect for the comics.
Bitch, silence is the only language men understand.
I was like, yeah.
Like, it was like a pep rally, really.
It was, like, an inspirational.
I don't know.
I love this.
It was crazy.
It was crazy.

Whitney Cummings & Theo Von Talk About Dating Comics

Hey Theo, this question is for Whitney.
Hi.
If she could hook up with one current comedy store comedian, a regular, who
would that be?
Just to have sex with?
And that is all.
Is this to have sex with?
Thank you very much.
Oh, thank you, sir.
Have a lovely show.
Love you.
Whoa, dude.
Quit stalking her, first of all.
Continue stalking me.
Add to cart.
Download my show.
I don't give a fuck.
Joey Diaz maybe would be good.
I love Joey Diaz.
Is this just to have sex with or is this to marry?
I don't know.
What does hook up with even mean anymore?
I think these days it just means at least look into the eyes.
How old am I that hook up to me means the one I want to marry?
Fuck out of here.
So sad.
How sad is that?
I don't do that.
I was with...
That's so funny.
I don't even know if that's valuable, but it's played so well.
It seems like they have a good credit score.
I love Joey Diaz.
That feels so weird because it feels like incest to me.
Comics to me feel so platonic.
So say even a platonic husbandship that you had to be in someone with.
Oh, God.
This is going to get me in trouble.
I feel it.
Brian Callen.
Wow.
I'm joking.
I mean, Brian makes me laugh.
Brian makes me laugh.
Oh, yeah.
Brian makes me laugh.
He just has this gift.
It's almost like...
You ever seen Tinkerbell?
It's like Tinkerbell's inside of him.
You know how Robin Hood has Tinkerbell?
Well, you know what it is?
It's like so much...
Is it Robin Hood?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Peter Pan.
Yeah, that's on their shoulders.
Yeah, he's just always like...
Yeah, he's always ready to...
Like, he doesn't even fucking sleep.
It's like...
Yeah.
He just hides behind a piece of ice all night.
He's like a jester.
Yes.
You know, he's like...
You know, I think that a big part of being a comic...
By the way, I did have a self-tanner fiasco, so I'm worried people are looking
at my hand.
Nobody can see us.
You're like, this isn't recording, you fucking idiot.
I think such a big part of being a stand-up is making the audience feel like
they're safe
with you.
Right.
Right?
Like, they're in good hands.
Right.
You know?
And when you trip up or you're like looking at your notes, all of a sudden they're
like,
uh-oh.
Like, this person might not know what they're doing.
They might not be in control.
Yes.
Or like, they might have a sense of doubt.
That's when you start giving the audience power.
That's why when people are like, oh, you guys don't think that's funny?
Whatever.
I'm always like, don't do that because then you're giving them power.
And then all of a sudden the curtain has been pulled away and they're in charge
and you
work for them now, right?
And Callan, when you're around Callan, you're just like, I know I'm not going
to have to
do any work right now.
He's just going to fucking do gymnastics.
He's planking.
Yeah.
His dick's out.
He's planking.
You know, he's doing pull-ups.
Like, I know that I can just sit on the bench.
Yeah, his dick's out.
How about it's doing Romeo and Juliet?
I remember.
Like, he's such a fucking unique character.
He said, he's doing an impression of a bird.
He's hanging from the sea.
He's Spider-Man.
Oh, now he's in endangered species.
He's scaling a wall.
Yeah.
I'm like, you know, I just don't have to do shit right now.
It's like, I just get to go on a vacation.
I love that.
I don't have to even have a conversation because he's going to do some fucking
vagina monologue.
That's true.
Like, I just have to do, it's just the, so I could live with someone like that
where
I feel like I'm just, I'm just being served.
Me too.
I could be in a, I could be in a platonic three-way marriage with you and Brian
Callen.
Who would you, who would you date?
Have you ever dated a comic?
I don't know.
Schumer and I dated for a little bit.
Is that true?
Yeah.
I didn't know that.
Yeah, she and I did it right before a movie came out and it wasn't, I don't
know.
Between us and us, I just didn't, it didn't, she didn't leave me.
I just didn't, I didn't have trust in her.
Like, she always like wanted me.
Were you a boyfriend and girlfriend exclusive?
I don't know.
Oh.
I don't know.
I felt like I just was like, at a certain point, I felt like it was a little
bit of
like a puppet, kind of like, kind of just like a little sex puppet, you know,
at a certain
point.
Isn't that like every guy's dream?
But it wasn't my dream.
Oh.
You know, kind of, I don't think.
How did it end?
But she used like this, or she didn't use it, but we talked about like this
bigger idea,
like this bigger kind of thing, you know?
So.
Of what?
Being together in a bigger way?
Yeah.
And she would like bring it up some.
It was, I mean, it was like maybe three or four months, you know?
But we'd always been sweet on each other for a long time.
Like, we'd been like sweet on each other for like a decade.
Aw.
Because we did a show for Comedy Central together a long time ago.
Oh, the one with Burt?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Me, Burt, Tiffany Haddish.
Yeah, I remember that.
I remember, I just remember that show because I remember one day Burt Kreischer
showed up at the
improv or something and he was like sweating and he was all red.
He's like, yo, what's going on, homie?
He's like, I just drank two bottles of soy sauce.
I was like, what show is this?
That's so Burt.
Yeah, it's still so Burt.
I mean, he switched condiments, but same Burt.
I just drank two bottles.
I just dipped a whole can of wasabi.
Wait a second.
He's like, no, the show wrapped six months ago.
I just do it now.
It's just kind of my thing.
That's my Cialis.
Yeah, I just EpiPen myself right in the nuts.
Okay, so you've dated comics for real.
Not a bunch really though.
She was really only it.
Yeah.
You know?
But yeah, it just wasn't, I don't know.
She's a little more emotionally efficient than I am.
Say that again in a different way.
She's more emotionally efficient than I am.
What does that mean?
Emotions are inherently not efficient, right?
Right.
For me, they're not.
You know, for me, it's more of like a...
You mean she can navigate them more easily than you?
No, she just like...
Knows what she wants?
Yeah.
Knows what she wants, but to the point where for my speed, it wasn't a
comfortable speed.
Understanding.
Yeah.
I'm understanding.
It was just too...
I'm such a robot.
I just went understanding.
Yeah.
That's like what a robot would say.
Understanding.
Processing.
Scary.
But like, does the idea of dating a...
Like, so you're not intimidated by a woman who does comedy.
I think a lot of guys don't love it.
No, I'm not.
No, I'm not.
I think though, I wonder like when it gets to like the sense of like having a
family and kids
and like a mother...
More of like having a motherly environment be around.
Yeah.
You want someone that's going to be home when you're out.
Well, I don't want somebody with that fucking, you know, that Siberian womb.
But you know what ha...
Does that mean old?
No, it just means kind of brisk.
Yeah.
Definitely brisk.
But you know...
Like people hiking in the distance.
Pictures from far away.
There's...
Sleigh dogs.
Like I don't want...
You know, I want...
The epidemic of dating someone who after you break up becomes a comedian or
during their
relationship with you decides they want to start comedy is rampant.
Oh, yeah.
I dated two guys like two years ago that after we broke up, all of a sudden
they're like,
at flappers.
No way.
Stop.
It's like, what?
Yes.
No way.
Correct.
Yes.
Do you think you have that open Mike pussy?
And I know a lot of...
Do you think you do?
Do you think you have that?
The guy's name was Mike.
That's weird.
No way.
No, I'm joking.
I'm joking.
Oh, my God.
If that would have...
No, but like also what I know a lot of guys who are dating girls...
And I don't know if it's chicken or egg.
I don't know if they start dating me because they want to be comics and they
want to learn
how to do it.
Or if halfway through I somehow make it look so fucking easy that they're like,
I can do that.
Like, I don't know.
But I know a lot of guys who date girls and halfway through they're like, I
think I want
to start comedy.
Do you think that they feel like if they're not funny enough or they're not in
that world
that you're not going to want to be with them?
No.
I think they just genuinely see that like how, you know, they're like, oh, she
just goes
20 minutes a night.
Yeah.
This makes money.
Like, this shouldn't be...
This doesn't look hard.
She can do it.
I can fucking do it.
Or it's my fault.
I blame myself because I think I learned early on you have to laugh at a guy's
jokes even
if you don't think they're funny because I'm always trying to make sure, you
know what
I mean?
Make somebody okay.
So, yeah.
So, guys would be corny.
And I'm like, you're hilarious.
So, I probably enabled it.
Yeah.
I'm like, well, if Whitney thinks I'm funny, I must...
Yeah, do that thing where you juggle your farts again.
I'm getting bumped by...
I'm getting bumped by my ex.
I'm fucking ha-ha cafe.
Like, goddammit.
I love how cafe is at the end of it.
It's people just getting molested in the back.
And it's suddenly a fucking...
They got lattes.
It's like a Parisian cafe.
It's like a Parisian cafe.
Like, what?
That's so Persian.
Did you ever date any comics?
You said you didn't.
I haven't dated any comics.
But you're starting them.
You're starting them.
Yeah.
I'm like a manager.
I'm a developmental executive at this point.
I'm just a talent.
Yeah, your vagina's just claiming 10% from all these guys.
But yeah, who knows?
I don't know.
I think there is something extremely attractive about somebody that can make
you laugh.
I think, but it's also for me, like, it's just like, don't shit where you eat.
And like, it's already so hard to do stand-up.
The only thing that would make it worse if you had to like run into your ex in
the belly room.
Like working on new material.
Or like having your ex be like, so I'm fucking this girl last night.
You're just like, ah, why did I do this to myself?
I bet it wasn't that good.
Yeah, like, oh.
Were you ever there when Gary Goleman and April Macy got in a huge fight at
Westwood Brew Co.
When he was on stage?
I think that's when I was like, I'm never dating a comic.
Fucking ever.
And I love April.
I just, I love.
Oh, yeah.
I love her.
I think she's hilarious.
Me too.
Her story about her mom and stuff is so good.
But he's really funny too.
I just haven't seen a lot of him lately.
I've never seen Gary before.
You've never seen Gary Goleman in person?
I'm a fan.
No, I've never seen him in person.
But this motherfucker does 40 minutes on sugar cookies.
Like, how is he coming up with it?
Like, it's amazing.
He did, like, an hour on orange juice.
Yeah, that's crazy.
How?
Do you write jokes about that?
Like, how if you brush your teeth and then drink orange juice?
Yeah.
He's a beautiful, yeah, he's like Jimmy Schubert a little bit.
But it's like, it's like this weird art.
And he's like 6'4 and like a linebacker body.
Like, and he does jokes about like fucking, you know, Slim Jims.
And he's just like, how is it?
So he's like, anyway, so I was at Westwood Brewco one night.
I can't believe you weren't there.
This was 10.
All the shitty nights I was there and the one good night.
That's the one where you miss.
And he was on stage and there were like two people in the audience.
And April Macy was like, wait, I don't know how it happened.
But she was like screaming at him on stage.
It was fucking incredible.
And he's like, fuck you.
It was like, it was amazing.
But I was like, I'm never dating a comic.
That's what it's going to turn into.
Can you imagine the only thing worse than fighting with your boyfriend or
girlfriend
is doing it in front of college kids and other comics at 1 a.m. on a Tuesday.
And they don't know either one of you.
They're like, well, these fuck-ups.
Oh, these people are fucking.
At least let's watch that.
And they're in their 40s.
Like, just like, what the fuck?
Oh, my God.
Like, what a nightmare.
We're going to hell.
I think we're going to hell.
That's what I'm most scared of.
I think Ap