Name: Beware of Cruises
Uploaded: 2018-10-12T01:16:37.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Beware of Cruises' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-10-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Beware of Cruises' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-10-12. Transcript available.

I remember another time I was in a hot tub, and this was on a cruise last year.
I went on a cruise with the Impractical Jokers.
These guys, they're jokesters, and they're friends, and they have a cruise.
And I went on there, and I was in the hot tub right in the morning, and they
had a boy got in.
And this boy, maybe 11, 11 or 12, a thicker boy.
You know, looked like he was maybe from Nebraska or North Texas.
You know, thick, kind of pasty, you know, kind of nice, kind of long hair,
though.
A little numb in the eyes, you know, a little Polish, you know, kind of like me.
I'm a little bit, I mean, I am Polish.
I'm Polish Nicaraguan, but I'm a little numb in the eyes, you know.
I'm coming in, you know, I'm coming in at about 70 watt.
And this boy was similar to that.
He seemed a little dull, you know, like they hadn't fully, like the electrician
hadn't visited his genetics.
You know, he was just a little bit dim.
You know, like maybe his great-grandmother was his, also his great-great-aunt,
you know.
Or there was some, somebody not walked far to fuck at some point in his genetic
history.
There was maybe some light inbreeding or just local seed that had been passed
between wombs somewhere along his lineage.
But anyhow, he's in the hot tub and I'm in the hot tub.
And this was early in the morning.
You know, I'd gone to the gym early because my legs hurt.
And, and I don't like it when my legs hurt.
I like my legs to feel regular.
Like, I like to not feel them.
Because that's the thing.
If your legs hurt, then they hurt.
But if they're not hurting, then you just don't feel your legs.
They're just there and you don't feel them.
But, but anyhow, I'm in the hot tub and this fella, he'd been in a contest or
something the day before.
And he's wearing like a little bit of an outfit.
He had on like a cape, kind of like a party cape, you know, just like a, and
you know, a cape, like a huge bib kind of that's on your back for superhero
shit.
And he was, you know, he was, and he had some eye, some eye paint, eye makeup
or something by his eyes.
Like he'd been a dressed up the night before at a costume type of deal.
And anyhow, this fella starts tickling me, right?
Tickling me.
Excuse me, having some coffee.
Oh, this boy starts tickling me.
And you know, I never really did like being tickled, dude.
In fact, I told a girl that I was hanging out with recently.
She goes, are you ticklish?
And I said, if you tickle me, I will punch you in the fucking face.
Because I've never enjoyed it.
I don't like being forced into painful laughter immediately.
I don't like it.
You know, I like to have a little bit of an inkling that I want to laugh and
then be laughing.
And not feeling that pain in my body of somebody trying to jolt me or just kind
of trying to get into your spirit, you know.
And you just, you just, I don't like it.
I feel, I don't know.
It just seems like something.
I don't know.
Some people I would like to tickle.
I'd love to tickle the Chinese, man.
Think about it.
Think about the Chinese right now.
Literally visualize them in your head.
Now think about tickling them, dude.
Think about tickling them.
How cool is that?
Because they're active, man.
And they're going to be fired up.
And now, okay.
Now think about tickling a Japanese person.
Kind of cuter, you know.
Cuter.
You know, Chinese, Chinese be more aggressive and they'll, the Chinese will
strike.
The Chinese will strike, dude.
If you haven't spent much time around the Chinese, they will strike, bro.
They are, oh, they are, they're just like termites in a way.
And I don't mean that in a negative connotation.
So don't take that out.
I just mean it in they are aggressive and they get it done and they'll eat
anything and they keep going.
And, and you wouldn't be surprised to find them in the wood in your house, dude.
The Chinese are plentiful.
I'll say that.
And so this boy is tickling me, right?
And he starts tickling me.
And I don't know him.
First of all, I understand tickling people, you know, you know, people do that.
Uh, tickling somebody you don't know.
Uh, fuck no, bruh.
You know, that's way too much, man.
Way too aggressive.
And so this fellow was tickling me and I'm trying to keep him off of me, right?
And he had kind of, you know, that pasty sort of Ruben-esque kind of skin, you
know, kind of thick, kind of had some kid titties on him.
You know what I'm talking about?
And so I'm trying to push him off, but not push him because when I touch him, I
realize I'm leaving handprints on his chest.
So this boy, I'm trying to fend him off and he's coming at me, you know, and he's
coming at me, bro.
And he's tickling and he's, then he had one of his feet up even.
He was flexible under the water.
Above the water, he looked unflexible.
He looked like a damn, just like a piece of fucking white furniture, you know,
something you'd see in Sweden or something at like a damn castle, like a Disney
castle.
He looked like a piece of damn, he looked like a fucking little marshmallow
love seat, you know, but under the water, agile and just, just like a damn,
just like a damn eel or a griffin, you know, and he just, and he brought one of
his legs up and was tickling me as well with his leg, right?
So this boy has both hands, one leg up, tickling me and I'm trying to keep him
off me.
It's just me and him in the hot tub.
It's 7 a.m.
So people are kind of drinking their coffee, coming outside, you know, bringing
bowls of breakfast out, pieces of fruit and small, you know, small breakfast
plates and stuff like that.
Shareable plates, you know, small stuff, slices of, what else was it?
Grapefruits.
And anyhow, so me and him are sitting and they start kind of looking over like,
what's going on?
And I'm trying to push this boy off of me and I'm starting to leave these
fingerprints and, and cause he's hot, the water's made him hot.
This is a hot tub.
And I'm leaving imprints on his chest and on his, you know, neck and it's,
people are looking at us.
And then the security, there's a security guard, you know, doing his rounds or
whatever.
He, he starts looking at us and act, acting like what's going on.
And I look, and again, I don't know this boy.
Okay.
Imagine somebody you don't know.
Now imagine that they are tickling you in a hot tub while people are trying to
eat breakfast nearby.
Dude, what?
That's not even normal.
That's not normal.
And, uh, and I'm leaving marks on his body cause I'm pushing him off.
And now I'm, I'm kind of fighting him.
I'm, you know, kind of pushing him under the water.
And he's a strong boy.
He was strong.
Felt like a damn, like it just, I was just pinned against a wall by like a
Dodge Neon.
You know, and, um, and the security guard comes over and fine.
And it's like, what's going on?
He's on his walkie talkie.
And the security guard on a ship, on a cruise ship, it's just the bartender
from the night before, you know, but now he has a walkie talkie, you know, they
just recycle everybody.
So I'm like looking at the dude and he knew I'd been drinking the night before.
So now I'll probably look like a damn unsuccessful pedophile, you know?
So I just got out of that deal.
I went back to sleep, man.
Uh, but you got to be careful on cruises.
Good evening.
Good afternoon.
And other times.
Thanks for watching that video you just saw.
I mean, it was okay, but the next video you could watch could be way better.
What if you watch a video right now that changes your life?
Well, you could watch this one or watch this one, watch this one, watch this
one, watch this one.
Ah.