Name: Podcast Champ: Theo Von
Uploaded: 2018-10-19T04:55:14.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Podcast Champ: Theo Von' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-10-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Podcast Champ: Theo Von' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-10-19. Transcript available.

Podcast Champ: Theo Von

i remember i got on a school bus one day and the man didn't even take us to
school he just drove us
around and uh swear to god and then just drove us back home eventually what's
wrong with him he
didn't say anything either probably drunk and when at a certain point you don't
ask
wait go back black slaves either white slaves white pygmies everybody whatever
white slavery
hashtag no races but you're so lonely why man yeah it's been lonesome man well
i'm trying to
stay off a masturbation you know it's what do you think about when you masturbate
i think about
honestly now at this point i feel i think a little bit about some kind of
sexual ideas you know but
then i think about how bad i'm gonna feel after i'm done masturbating really
why do you feel bad
masturbating to light shame to light shame are you are you are you a porno guy
you watch like red
tube or whatever the fuck these days i've been out there man i've been in the
it's nasty out there
it is nasty it's nasty dude i was just talking about this on my podcast it's
nasty some of these
videos and people doing all these butt activities and everything and butt
activities you know what
the thing is they are like you just gotta it's constantly escalating like
everyone's trying to
one-up each other in the porn and i don't want to be in it they are aren't they
it's just too much
i don't need seven guys no what happened just one-on-one it's um why why does
there have to be a gang
bang every time yeah yeah and it's so rough whack-a-mole too if you see some of
those gang
bangs dude that shit gets tough it's like urban whack-a-mole on some of them
and andrew santino
has the best joke he talks about how a lot of black gentlemen always have their
sneakers on during
pornography thank you and songs that's aggressive i never thought of that why
do they for grip you just really rail at home grip and
probably out of plate's foot is rampant and also i don't know who the fuck made
on this carpet
it goes back to indoor outdoor like those are kind of outdoor shoes
yeah and they have them on indoors full circle with theo vaughn uh i hope you
call your podcast full circle
i've never gone full circle in my life what's the podcast name uh this past
weekend it's just
it was fun man we had so much fun in the city man we went to a baseball game
um and what else did we do we just oh i remember we walking around just hanging
out you know drinking
you know habana club you know or whatever you know people what year is this
this is 2002
so just walking around and uh so there's some people hanging out in the alley
that are kind of dancing
and partying a little bit so we go over there and we think it's like a family
it's like a birthday cake
and stuff so we're singing you know cumpleaños everybody's having a nice time
we think oh we're
you know we're in a different country we're celebrating some guy's birthday
then one of the
dudes at the birthday starts eating this lady out fucking just we're like this
and we're like oh these
are these are escorts like we didn't know we thought it was like a family and
next thing we're all
dancing with these fucking ladies and so we think it's like a grandmother and
like a fucking birthday
party next thing you know one of the guys goes down by the lady's waist a
little low
and fucking starts eating her pussy right there i'm like what the fuck bro
welcome to cuba yeah
this shit is fucking awesome i was talking to somebody last week i went to a
party and there
was boats and next you know there was a girl fucking a guy on the boat i didn't
know what to do get in
there yeah jump in the fucking call 911 what the fuck is wrong with you get in
there yeah just stand
there just stand there you're gonna stand and let somebody get that dick suck
at least go and put a
finger in their ass at least cheer for them you know my buddy um we got some
calls and stuff that
came in joe you mind if we jump to a couple of them yeah i've thought about it
some i mean i've
dated a little bit here and there within the industry but uh yeah well i'll
tell you this i mean so
yesterday i go to these adult meetings sometimes for adults and uh what do you
mean just like adult
meetings where people get together spend time together like a a um i don't know
if it's a a really
but it's probably cia bro in that vein he's always very like he's very dating
these adult meetings he's
like an international you talk about you talk about a a you got an alcohol
problem i mean i don't drink
so i'll say that so vague all right go on okay but anyway so i met this girl
right i met this sweet
gal that i didn't see i've seen her for a couple weeks really been long and
four probably in my brain
right long so i get her name i get her i get her number yesterday right well
then some straight up
skis some girl just throwing that butt around on snapchat right send me this
says i don't have your
number right so i give her my number on snapchat i'm in my i'm alone at home in
the evening i'm lonesome
i give this girl my number you don't have any food in there i have a little bit
of uh
london broil meat okay and i uh yeah and just me and we're eating just me your
brain gets real limbic
you know you drop in a primal time you know real limbic just that london broil
too that ain't the
fancy stuff yeah it's not real it's a tougher end of the scrapple it's a scrapple
it's the hip
it's the hip of meat but what happened was so then the snapchat girl text i
when i got the girl's
number that i really think like might have been the one oh yeah i i got her
number and i just put my
name in and i texted her my name right in front of right that way boom there's
nothing creepy about
that nothing creepy natural normal i was a gentleman in the conversation
gentleman everything
was good i'll see you later young sha you know and then though later so the
snapchat girl text me
i thought she texted me it wasn't it was the girl that i liked a few hours
later wrote i'm gonna put
you inside here i'll read god damn it this is this is the thirsty snapchat girl
no this ain't this is
the girl he likes no but the thirsty snapchat girl text him he thought it was
the one that he likes
right well this is uh this is the girl who i liked texting me back i thought
the thirsty snapchat girl
was texting me fuck this is already already bad she wrote cool you are going in
my rolodex right that's
what she wrote so i thought it's a snapchat girl she'd asked me for my number i
said i want to go
in more than that creeping damn it turn it in and i'll tell you what it is man
i'm alone by myself
at night and i'm just rock hard god damn it that's a no not rock hard soft and
car and and just
agitated lonely so wait so now that that worst thing you can do and i had london
brought i did
have a yogurt too but i was saving that for later that was going to be like my
nighttime adventure
that's gonna be your nighttime cat my nighttime adventure he said so what
happened what'd she
respond she wrote do tell go on oh so now i think it's definitely now i have
now it's on now in my
head no i have no doubt it's a snapchat girl i still think it's a snapchat girl
yeah i have not
brought to the realization that this is the girl that i although she's into it
she's game
maybe that's a game response maybe do tell go on go i want to be in more than
that maybe she's
thinking oh you want to give me a nice dinner maybe a steak and maybe a kiss
not a dick suck yeah
maybe i want to peel that rump apart nope no no too much too much too much yeah
maybe i want to
so anyway as i'm picking a little bit of london brawl out of my mouth dude and
feeling probably with
meat in your mouth you feel more carnivorous carnivorous and also more you know
i got this
yeah tribal tribal yeah tribal dude how to pat your mouth primal primal primal
there you go primal
she goes do tell go on i said inside of your body right because i want to go in
more than that i feel
like you're better than that but can oh i do too could have been a little more
district descriptive
this isn't me doing this this is the dark arts that are inside of me coming out
and that doesn't
mean a black man at a theater that means the other side of it where your
emotions yeah just just me
feeling lonesome and being you and arsema might be dating pretty soon because i'm
liking this whole
connection arsema that's you she's ethiopian ethiopian yeah adisababa i stopped
at adisababa
one time yeah that's some nice people there had some good uh flatbread let me
finish this up real
please so then i said i want to go in more than that so she goes do tell go on
i said inside of
your body then wherever you want me that's what i creep in with at this line
right
she goes wow that's how you roll huh wasting no time so at this point i'm like
why would the
snapchat girl say that you know she's just showing me like pictures of her butt
and like yeah pictures
of like her dirty bedroom you know right and then i'm like oh my god i'm so
sorry i just realized who
this was i don't even know what to say and that's when we had a conversation
about it uh well that's
cool did you explain the situation i tried but here's the explanation is
yourself here's the thing
i mixed this up i thought you were this raging whore who's gonna come over
share this london
broil and i was gonna fuck you yeah but right it turns out you're actually
really nice and i probably
this is the real me yeah i like you and i'm gonna put on an act and i would
have taken you out to
dinner and kind of bought you drinks and who knows what could have led to i don't
know what so is that
over you check any native americans car you always find gin and famers or
something you know they love
they keep the dead with them a lot of times i almost knocked this unfortunately
almost knocked
this young lady up that was from south dakota and she lived on a reservation
yeah and she like
threatened to have the baby oh damn how old were you 37 this year
it was this year and she wouldn't even be cool she wouldn't she threatened to
have the baby dude
and i just met her at a motel
and she threatened to have a baby man and so that's
tell us a backstory i met her on snapchat you did yeah and then i met her in
person in a motel
only hours later wow and uh down like that huh yeah oh geez and it was
definitely so i don't
recommend that kind of stuff i don't recommend making love to people off of
snapchat this south dakota
dude this was in no this is in different cities she was out of she was you know
out of their
whatever how'd you talk her out of it how'd you talk she came out uh she just
said
immediately she's like if i have this baby i'm like what she's like yeah i'm
having it
what and i was like jesus christmas were you like do you have a panic attack
man well part i had a ton
of things i had let me think about what i had that's now with your mom being so
tough was it like
did was it tough to feel like affection from her because sometimes like my mom's
a hard worker right
my mom delivered you know she's a delivery woman you know she delivered
newspapers since when i was a
kid she delivers magazines now um she's always had a fucking van you know now
she's got my her
husband he's has alzheimer's don't even know he's in the van he's with her
every day just fucking
bouncing around in the fucking passenger seat she had to get a fucking second
seatbelt installed for
him because he fucking would kind of sleep he's getting little he would slip
out of the fucking first
one now she's got him just basically in a fucking straight jacket just bouncing
around he has no
clue where he is just delivering fucking news on wheels every day you know i
think he's about 90
you know your mom still does this mom still does it dude and here's the worst
part bro she got a good
deal on this van right my mom likes a good deal and she got a good deal on this
van has no wind
none of the side or back windows bro so her fucking gps is the lord bro so she
just fucking
bouncing around he's got him in the thing yeah i 