Name: Bert Kreischer Went to AA to Get Back His Wife
Uploaded: 2018-12-05T21:03:55.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bert Kreischer Went to AA to Get Back His Wife' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-12-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bert Kreischer Went to AA to Get Back His Wife' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-12-05. Transcript available.

So what made you want to be in your wife?
Were you guys just total just fucking out of the gate?
Or like, what was the whole deal there?
Yeah, no, my wife, my wife was.
Because your wife's a beautiful lady too, man.
I've spent time around her.
She's very sweet.
She's great.
She's great.
I started dating.
She didn't get a real short haircut, did she?
No.
Okay, good.
And that's something that doesn't, because a lot of couples start to look the
same as
they get older.
And if they're still fucking, then you got to, that to me is very, something
else is
going on.
It's like they're just trying to make one person as hard as they can.
I had sex with a girl, I dated this girl in college who cut her all her hair,
got a pixie
haircut, and we're having sex.
And as we're fucking, I'm drunk, right?
As we're fucking, I went, it was like, fucking a dude.
And then I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, yeah.
Like, immediately, I was like, whoa, what the fuck?
I met Leanne, and we dated for a little bit.
I didn't want to put a label on it, and then she dumped me.
And then when she dumped me, I fought to get her back.
I made her a mixtape.
I did everything.
What else did you do, everything?
Oh, dude, I was-
What do you mean, honestly?
I was crying in a car, driving down La Brea, crying in a car.
That's my first thing I do, yeah.
They're like, did you buy me flowers?
No, I'm fucking crying, okay?
I made salt water with my eyes.
I went to an AA meeting.
I did everything.
Oh, yeah.
I did everything.
I went to an AA meeting.
Dude, I go to this AA meeting, and they're like, and I'm with this guy.
I guess I shouldn't say his name, but he's like, you should stand up and talk.
And I was like, I was just lost, man.
I wanted this chick back.
Wow.
What did you say?
This is great, because I go to AA meetings.
So what did you say?
So they go-
I love that.
So he's like, all right.
I go, well, I don't know if I feel comfortable talking.
I haven't really made any decisions about what I'm doing with my life.
I'm just trying to get this chick back and see if I have a problem, because the
reason
we broke up is I had gotten drunk at a dinner party, and I just argued with her
friend,
and I wouldn't let her go.
I could see that.
And so he goes, yeah, just talk.
And I'm like, okay, I'm going to talk.
And part of me is a comic.
I'm like, yeah, I'm going to get up and say, I'm in a little stage time.
It isn't bad.
Guy in front of me goes-
A little stage time.
I love it, though.
I go to stand up, right?
And then the guy in front of me stands up, and he goes, do you mind if I go?
And I was like, oh, sorry.
Yeah, go ahead.
He stands up, and he goes, hi, my name's Dave or whatever.
I'm an alcoholic, and everyone's like, hi, Dave.
He's like, it's been a rough day.
This morning, my landlord came over, and I sucked his dick, and then I lit his
car on
fire.
Oh, my God.
And I was like, I can't follow that.
Yeah.
I was like, I can't.
You have to let somebody else go and then go.
I can't go right after that.
I'm going to fucking eat a bullet up here for the next guy.
You're like, this is the Chris D'Elia of AA meetings right here.
So I didn't say anything.
I didn't get up.
Wow.
And I left, and I was like, I don't know.
But that's for me.
And then the next day, I went on a jog down outpost.
I came running down outpost onto Franklin.
I live right over by Hollywood and Highland.
And I was like, I don't know what's wrong with me.
Oh, you were out here when you met your lady.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I was like, I don't know what's wrong with me.
I was like, I really don't feel like I have a drinking problem.
I really don't feel like, by going, I need to stay sober for a while and get my
head straight
if I'm going to be single.
I need to figure out what I'm doing with my life.
And I had this moment that I spoke to God.
And God said, if you want her back, you just got to promise that she's the one
and you won't
fuck it up.
Wow.
I swear to God, I spoke to God.
I believe you.
And I was like, I go, I'll never fuck this up.
Just give her to me and I will never fuck it up.
I'll marry her and this will be my chick.
This is the one for me.
He's like, I remember him saying in my head to me, remember what you just said.
I got home and she was in my bedroom on my bed and she was in a sundress and
she goes,
I think we need to figure out how to work this out.
What was she doing in there?
She had just gone to church.
Oh, wow.
She'd gone to a church down in Compton because she's Baptist and she couldn't
find one up
here.
And she'd gone to a church in Compton and in church, someone had said to her in
her
head, you need to get this guy.
This guy's a good guy.
He needs a second chance.
Wow.
And so then we just, we hung out.
We had a great time.
Didn't party for like six months.
Didn't drink for like six months.
And then one day we're in Italy.
It's New Year's Eve and it's snowing.
We're in Venice.
It just starts snowing.
I'd fuck you there.
That sounds beautiful.
And I said to her, I said, I gotta be honest with you, this is when I want to
drink.
It's like, it's snowing.
We're in St. Marks.
You didn't drink for six months.
Six months I didn't drink.
And I didn't have a, that's the other problem is I don't have a problem
quitting drinking.
Like I almost have a problem starting up again.
Right.
And so like, I go, I don't, I just feel like I want to drink.
And she goes, honey, I don't think you have a drinking problem.
Have a drink.
Wow.
And we had a cut.
We had a, we split a bottle of wine, went out in the snow in St. Marks.
It was empty.
It was fucking empty.
It was like the day after New Year's Eve.
Wow.
Town is shut down and it was fucking gorgeous.
It was St. Marks.
St. Marks is a big square in Venice.
Oh, okay.
It's like just huge.
And it was just starting to snow.
It was like perfect snow everywhere.
Oh, it was fucking great.
And so yeah, I've been with her ever since.
Well, thanks for watching that video right there.
That was a beautiful little segment, I think.
But of course, I'm partisan to myself.
But you can move on to another video right now.
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That's two different options.
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