Name: Animals Show Up When Theo Von Pleasures Himself
Uploaded: 2018-12-18T03:20:38.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Animals Show Up When Theo Von Pleasures Himself' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-12-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Animals Show Up When Theo Von Pleasures Himself' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-12-18. Transcript available.

Um, what else? Oh, dude, I've been realizing this. So even though I quit
smoking, my, um, you know, my jerking off has been kind of flaring up at night,
not at the daytime.
I noticed my, my, my heavy desires to really touch out and spray out of my own
body occur around 1am, 1240, 1240 to 120. I almost want to lock my dick away in
a special box because I'll find it. I will find ways to, you know, but yeah, I'll
just keep finding ways to touch my own body until seed flies out of it, you
know, and it's kind of, um, it's tough.
It's tough when you just do it, you know, when you do it too much, but, but we'll
see. We'll see, man. I'm not going to feel bad about it. I just wish that I had
a bit more control over it. I mean, I almost want to handcuff myself to the
fucking neighbor's door or something.
But the crazy thing is I've been noticing when I do masturbation in my room,
the neighbor's dog will start barking.
And I don't know if anybody else is a pet owner. I've never been a pet owner.
You know, I got attacked by a bunch of animals when I was young.
Two birthdays, I got attacked once cats and also by dogs on a different
birthday, kind of a group attack they did.
Um, but yeah, that kind of stuff, if you think that it's not, you know, it's,
it's just kind of alarming to think that the dog knows I'm doing it.
So if anybody has experience with that, where animals behave certain ways
around them while they're experiencing, you know, full sexual or self-sexual,
let us know.
Let me know. Hit the hotline with that. 985-664-9503.
Cause I swear to God, the thing, and it used to be that I had a neighbor, my
neighbors had a cat.
And if I would pleasure myself when I would leave the apartment later, the cat
would be out there in front of their apartment.
And so something's going on.
I'm like the damn, uh, you know, beat master, you know, like the beast master.
He had all these little ferrets and little, you know, Guatemalan fucking steam
punks under his arms and shit.
Well, I'm like the beat master, dude.
I jerk off and all the animals show up.
And it's like, damn, what's going on?
Cause this is, I mean, I don't, I don't think I'm living in like in a magical
apartment complex.
But if I'm doing masturbation, I'm doing self-skeet, you know, I'm doing that
fucking, you know, making my little own, my, you know, my old, doing my own old
faithful over at the house.
But there must be something going on.
You know, I don't know if my, if my, what's expelling out of my body is coming
out at a certain, you know, audible octave or something.
If, you know, the animals can hear it or if it's, I don't know if I've been
eating something that makes the scent of it real strong or real primal.
But, you know, to have, but to have that cat, what that would be on its doorstep
across the way when I would come out after doing myself.
And then now to hear this dog barking, whimpering.
And look, I think the crazy thing is it took me a while to notice it.
And finally I noticed it and I've known every time I notice it now.
And I'm just thinking what, how long was I doing this without even noticing
that every time I was masturbating that there was a dog out there.
You know, a dog was, I mean, I didn't even notice that I was jerking off and
there was the sounds of a, you know, a big animal.
And I didn't even care or stop.
You know, I guess it just, I don't know, it doesn't make me feel bad about
myself, but it makes me just like, what the fuck, man?
It makes me think I don't have a lot of skills, you know?
You know, if an animal's jerking off, if I'm jerking off and an animal is, you
know, howling and stuff through just a regular apartment wall or, you know.
It just makes me think I don't have a lot of skills if I'm not noticing that.
So, I don't know, maybe I need to meditate more or something.
But yeah, and then it makes me think, well, what if, you know, how far is this
happening?
Like, how many animals within like a, you know, within a half block radius?
Are there fucking monkeys swinging around the chandeliers?
Are birds chirping?
You know, are there worms coming up out of the ground?
Like, what the fuck's going on when I, you know, what's going on?
So, different times, man.
Different times.
They don't want Santa coming down the tree because it's, you know, embarrassing
or down the chimney.
Can't jerk off without a wolf coming near you.
Different times, man.
Is it the end of times?
Well, thanks for watching that video right there.
That was a beautiful little segment, I think.
But of course, I'm partisan to myself.
But you can move on to another video right now.
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That's two different options.
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