Name: Podcast Champ: Theo Von V3
Uploaded: 2019-01-01T05:45:58.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Podcast Champ: Theo Von V3' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-01-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Podcast Champ: Theo Von V3' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-01-01. Transcript available.

Podcast Champ: Theo Von V3

Theo Vaughn up in the house.
Gucci gang, son.
Gucci gang.
Even text Gucci gang.
Good to be out here, dude.
It's good to be had, man.
This is the gayest little microphone.
It feels like a...
It's all up in your grill.
Oh, it feels like the weakest one-armed black kid is trying to give me a hug.
That's what it feels like, dude.
Like, if you go like this...
Your plaques kill you.
It's so like, whoa.
Somebody feed this boy and then bring him back to the hug ring, you know?
Because he ain't ready for fucking real two-arms.
This dude ain't ready to hug him with one arm.
He's not ready.
For them, was she annoying first and he started beating off?
I think he had it in him.
Was he beat...
The devil.
I think he had a bit of it in him.
He had that devil in him.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He had that devil in him, Theo.
I could see it in his eyes.
He was talking to me, just hoping I'd go to sleep.
He would drug me, but not to have sex with me.
He would drug me so that he could freely masturbate.
He'd leave his socks on.
He wouldn't even take his pants off.
He was an animal.
He'd put a hat on.
He was an animal.
The worst is if you're jerking off with a hat on, bro.
You're going to hell, I think.
A fedora.
Yeah, that's the worst, bro.
That's the most French thing you can do.
Jacking off with them straw Kentucky Derby hats.
Yeah, what's the worst hat to jack off?
The worst hat to jack off to.
Probably a top hat because you have to balance yourself while you're jerking
off.
One of them fucking chimney sweep hats.
The best would be one of those Chinese hats, bro, because if you squat down low
enough to
the ground, you can almost hide under it and jerk off.
Those things would be dope, bro.
The most confusing would be like one of them Daniel Boone raccoon caps.
You got that tail in your eye.
You're blowing the tail.
The tail's in the way.
Get the fuck out of my way with his tail.
Right about the finish, you get distracted by the tail.
God damn it.
Choking up dusty coon fur.
And it's hard to ejaculate when you're breathing out real fast.
Right, yeah.
It's more of an intake sport.
Yeah.
So when I'm in LA, I feel relaxed.
Right.
And if I go to wherever you're from, I'm probably going to Coloma.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm probably going to Coloma and never wake up again.
Wow.
Yeah, because it sounds...
That Coloma?
Sounds boring.
We didn't have a lot of Asians, man.
We had a...
There was a rumor of an Asian when I was first...
What was his name?
I'm not sure.
What was the rumor?
What was the rumor?
The rumor was...
And I've talked about this before.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I've talked about this before.
Yeah, they had a rumor that there was an Asian kid, right?
And this is after...
Because we got a Latino kid.
We got a Latino kid.
A Latino kid.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Not a family, just one kid.
One guy.
Congratulations.
One guy.
One guy.
Nicholas was his name.
He had a little bit of light facial hair.
Nicholas.
Yeah.
Everybody was fired up about that.
Fired?
There was a lot of rumors and stuff going around about that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because, yeah, people had never seen that on children, you know?
It was like...
What, you mean light hair on the face?
Yeah, like this...
Yeah.
People were like, he's trying to grow a sideburn on his chin.
Yeah.
When I was on the wrestling team in middle school...
Penasquitas, right?
Because Penasquitas was 60% Filipino.
So anyway, so the rumor of the Asian, though.
You heard a rumor.
Yeah, they had a rumor that there was an Asian boy in Slidell, Louisiana, which
was probably
about 17 miles away.
And so we had to get over there, you know?
We were fired up, and we thought about it for a couple weeks, and then we
started...
Me and two of my buddies cut grass, man.
This kid, Danny, who was a good friend of mine, and he had a couple of
different deficiencies,
but he's doing okay now, you know?
And he...
We raised up some money, saved up some money over about two months, and then we
caught
a taxi over there.
Yeah.
And we went to this place where they were supposed to have, you know, this
Asian boy, Chet.
I want to say the name was Chet.
I'm trying to think.
I'll have to text somebody.
Probably Chang.
Does that sound...
Chet-Chang?
Chet-Chang.
Chet-Chang?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's a Chet.
Chet, I think.
Right.
Does that sound...
Do you ever see him?
Does that sound plausible?
No, it doesn't sound...
It sounds...
It doesn't sound plausible.
It does, it does.
It doesn't sound plausible because I've never met an Asian guy named Chet.
Yeah, there are in Southeast Asia.
There you go.
It's either...
I think it's either Thai or...
Oh, well, then you're right.
Chetmate, bruh.
Chetmate.
But so we got there and he wasn't there.
It was a...
It wasn't there.
It wasn't.
He wasn't there.
When he hit the bottom, dreams came out of him, bruh.
By dreams, do you mean guts and blood?
No, I just mean you could just feel the fucking fragments of ideas and hope and
imagination
fly out of his body.
We were talking about being on podcasts and you said...
We were talking about Rogan.
I said you were on there for three hours.
Now you said, I ain't never talked to anyone for three hours.
Yeah, man.
Well, Joe and I didn't know...
We didn't know each other, you know?
And I just get this...
That was the first time you've had a conversation with him?
I think so.
Yeah.
So I did not brought some oranges over there.
And because somebody said he likes, you know...
Somebody said he likes fruits and vegetables.
So I brought some...
I had some...
What are those?
Tangerines or tangelos.
I had a sack of tangelos at the house, you know?
I'm not mad at that.
And yeah, I brought some over there.
So you brought a little peace offering?
Some tangelos?
Yeah.
Brought what I had, you know?
That's a way to look at it.
Have you ever been to Amsterdam?
Yeah.
I feel like you get into some weird shit in Amsterdam.
We went to a sex show.
I took my girlfriend over there and we went and watched the sex show.
And it was...
The main stars were out, I guess.
It was like a flu going around.
And so they had some real third stringers on the wheel.
They had the B team?
Oh, dude.
They had the fucking water boy and his female cousin in there, you know?
I mean, this is something in your country that probably would have ate these
people, Chin Young.
But here's what I'm saying is that it was like a Lazy Susan, right?
And so you get in these little...
You get in a little room that are all around this Lazy Susan and your little
room has a window that faces...
Wait, what's a Lazy Susan?
A Lazy Susan is like a thing that spins around that your grandmother had.
Like if you opened her drawer and you would spin it.
Yeah, yeah.
So there's windows all around this Lazy Susan.
Yeah, there's windows all around this Lazy Susan.
And you go in and you get your little booth and you can go stand in there and
watch through your window to see the Lazy Susans.
So you can see a few other people kind of vaguely who are in their window.
You can't see them doing like jacking off.
You can't see them, but you can guess that they're probably jacking off.
Okay.
And then you can see it a little bit in your head, you know, in your
imagination.
Yeah.
And then what was going on on the show?
So I was in there.
Oh, it's too fucking...
I mean, it was like the guy could barely even fuck, dude.
It was like he had just won like a fuck drawing somewhere that he never thought
he would win, you know?
But he did all the entries.
And it was like he was fucking somebody.
It was like he was fucking somebody he knew he wasn't supposed to be fucking,
you know?
It's like the first couple of times, like you ever pierce your yourself, but
you don't put it all the way through the first time.
You just kind of keep checking for where it's okay.
That was this too, bro.
It was like...
He was just trying to figure it out on the fly.
Oh, yeah.
But he has a crowd.
Yeah, he was just working freelance, working freelance, man.
And the girl was not hot?
Oh, the girl was not hot, bro.
And then, here's the crazy thing, then I didn't want to watch him fuck.
No, I wouldn't either.
You have to stay in your little cage until the thing...
Until he finishes?
No, no, please no.
Please no, dude.
Please no.
I don't want that.
I thought those were the rules, son.
Nuh-uh.
You just have to stay in there until like it's...
Until like there's a certain amount of time.
I think it's three minutes and you get in there before your door opens up.
Oh, thank God.
So then you're like locked into watching these people fuck, dude.
And it's almost...
It got harrowing, man.
I was like cheering at first kind of for somebody, and then I wasn't.
And then I just like...
It's like when you don't want to watch the game anymore.
Yeah, you're just over it.
You're like, turn the shit off.
And then was your girl feeling it?
I think she was, dude.
But she and I had a tough go out there in Europe, man.
Why?
Just like traveling around.
And we didn't have a lot of money, so we were doing it.
It was a while ago.
Yeah.
This was probably about nine years ago.
Oh, shit.
Okay.
Where we at?
But no, I feel you, bro.
I mean, look.
I feel you, man.
I mean, I appreciate your thoughts on it.
I don't have that...
I don't have that many thoughts on it.
I'm so sorry, man.
My bad.
I mean, I don't ever think about it that much anymore, except for...
Yeah, no.
I mean, it's interesting to talk about.
The crazy thing is, yeah, I wish I had a ton of memories and stuff.
I was just so young, and I was just so...
You were partying, too, probably?
Yeah, I was just partying.
I was just like college.
How much pussy did you get at 19, honestly?
How much pussy did you get?
I mean, I feel like I probably, you know, didn't please a lot of women.
Yeah.
You know?
Yeah, but was there a lot back then?
I mean, they had pussy back then.
Yeah.
But imagine...
Imagine being 19.
You're a good-looking dude, right?
I'm like an eight.
As long as I brush my teeth, I'm an eight.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Good-looking dude, 19.
I look kind of like the dude I feel...
I look like the dude that always...
People always accuse of farting, I feel like.
Yeah.
They're like, oh, that dude probably farted.
And he was funny, probably, you know, then, right?
Just naturally funny, right?
You don't believe it exists?
No, I believe it exists, bro.
They caught a dude near me one time with a lamb.
No.
Which almost sounds beautiful when you just say it.
Yeah, the lions lay with the lambs.
Yeah.
But I don't think...
When you say near you, you mean in Hollywood?
No, no, no.
You mean when you were a kid?
In Louisiana, yeah.
Yeah, okay.
They got a lot of people out there.
On those fucking natural-born mushrooms.
Yeah, I know.
Oh, I never told you the end of that.
Oh, sorry.
So, no, I took that bag of mushrooms to that party.
Right.
And a bunch of people ate them who'd never had them before.
Uh-oh.
And then we played a game of hide-and-go-seek, right?
I was like...
Oh, no.
Oh, dude.
He had a hide in another dimension.
I was like, I'll count, you guys go hide, right?
Oh, no.
And I never went to fucking look for them.
That was the end of that, bro.
I never seen one dude.
This boy, Timothy, I never seen that dude again.
You don't even know how to do anything but just fucking...
Do you have a memory where you just bombed?
You know when you're bombing, you gotta dig yourself out?
Have you ever had one where you don't get out?
Yeah.
I got two of my crazy memories.
One time, some dude laughed so hard at the show, he came out of the closet to
his buddies
just right in front of him.
Swear to God, he's just like, I'm gay!
And, like, fucking literally, like, jarred something in his stem, you know?
And his buddy's like, what the fuck?
Dude, he's right up by the front.
You made him laugh so hard, he just admitted he's gay.
One of his buddies spit milk or spill it on, not milk, beer.
Yeah.
You know?
I'm gay!
Yeah.
And his buddies are like, what the fuck, dude?
And it was awkward because it seemed kind of real.
Yeah.
So, I mean, I've had people say a lot of s