Name: Anything Can Happen in a Van - Theo Von
Uploaded: 2019-02-12T20:44:30.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Anything Can Happen in a Van - Theo Von' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-02-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Anything Can Happen in a Van - Theo Von' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-02-12. Transcript available.

Man, remember going out on the town when you were young?
Man, you're 16 years old or you were, you know, 22 and you hit the town.
Anything could fucking happen, bruh.
A friend pulled up. He showed up in a fucking van.
He didn't even drive a van.
One of his parents drove a van.
And one of his parents, who probably were not super smart,
let their son, a 16-year-old kid, take the fucking van to go out at night.
Is there any, how has that not caught on to parents?
Don't let your fucking son take the van.
A van is just a trap house on wheels.
Anything could happen.
Dude, if somebody had a car, it was like, oh, things was limited.
You know, you could ride around.
You could listen to some music.
You could put some beers in a trunk.
You could smoke a joint, right?
Somebody had a fucking van.
Dude, if your friend had a van, bruh, anything could happen.
You could start a small business.
You could run a butcher shop in the back of that bitch, son.
You know what I'm saying?
Y'all doing 40 miles an hour and fucking dropping bacon bits out the back.
In a van?
Anything could happen in a van.
You could start a little family back there.
You could run a, you could start an advertising agency back there.
You know, it's mad men back here in the third row.
Dude, if you ever had a van with that third row, anything could happen in a van.
But I remember when you were young, the night, the night was thick.
Boy, you got out of, you know, your friend picked you up at eight o'clock.
Y'all rolled out.
If you was girls, you was a couple of bad bitches rolling out, you know, put in
your fucking, you know, put in a real, you know, put your strongest tampon in
and hit the town.
We doing it tonight, Daniela.
You know?
You know what I'm saying?
Maria, you know what I'm saying?
Huh?
Huh?
Susan?
Huh?
Tiffany?
Tonight, we letting it all hang out.
No bra tonight, girl.
I'm letting these titties touch the wind.
Man, I miss that being young.
Every, dude, I remember we go out.
Man, I remember one time my buddy picked me up and he had a van.
He had the longest van you could get.
Have you ever seen that van?
It was like for church, right?
But then every now and then, somebody who wasn't with the church would get the
church van.
Dude, that thing had nine rows.
You know what I'm saying?
The eighth row was just for sin.
The ninth row, bro, they had usually like a little, you know, a cooler back
there.
A couple that get you a couple of, you know, some juice hitters, some, you know,
Capri Suns.
You know, you get them Capri Suns and you're just juicing yourself up, just dousing
yourself up.
With fruit juices in that ninth row.
Then you jump back over the seat into that eighth row and sin again, boy.
You know what I'm saying?
Drop your sin stick in.
And you had maybe a lady back there.
If you was being real wild, you might have had a little man back there with you.
You know, and that was it, man.
Somebody who wasn't with the church got that church van.
And anything could happen.
Dude, the fourth row, that was for remedial reading.
They had tutoring going on in the fourth row.
The fifth row, they had somebody who was usually grilling cheeses or, you know,
doing grilling cheeses there.
Somebody hit you with that small, just that, I don't know if you've ever eaten
a grilling cheese, but they're good.
You know, somebody sometimes had a dog back there and they were talking about,
you know, maybe they were going to listen to widespread panic or something.
I mean, anything in that law, so when somebody got that, when somebody that
wasn't with the church got the church van.
Dirty magic could happen.
You know what I'm saying?
Dirty fucking magic.
You know, they had dirty, you know, the one of the rows, it was somebody doing
magic or pretending they were doing magic, but really they were just trying to
touch each, you know, just trying to get a little bit of touch.
You know, a little bit of David Coppin feels, you know what I'm saying?
Oh, come back here, I'm going to pull a rabbit out this hat.
But then you get back there and the only thing in that hat is, you know, a
little bit of regular cock.
And you're like, oh, this ain't a rabbit.
This ain't a rabbit, you know, but I'm going to let that thing hop around on me.
Man, being young, man, when you were, man, anything could happen when you were
young.
And when you had a friend that got to somebody that wasn't with the church, got
that church van.
Could you believe a parent, much less a parent with the church?
First of all, what is the church doing selling that van back out into the world?
What do they think is going to happen?
Not every family has 19 children.
Remember that van, you know, the long van I'm talking about?
That thing was like a 40-seater.
You could put two baseball teams in the van and still have a couple rows for
referees to sit between them.
But in it, man, when that wild stuff happened with somebody who wasn't with the
church, got a hold of that church van.
And they had a boy like that in my town, this beautiful boy named Samson.
And he would come pick us up in that church van, bro.
Dude, one of the windows, immediately, we couldn't get it open.
Somebody just fucking broke that bitch out with a hammer.
And we were so full.
We were in like the sixth row.
You couldn't even hear the glass break in the front.
And we was smoking giants in there.
And we were smoking just American children's giants.
Just blowing, just huffing huge amounts of marijuana into our lungs.
And I'm talking them horse leg hitters, man.
We had one boy with us.
He was so weak he couldn't even hold up some of the big giants we were smoking.
He couldn't even hold them.
He had to hold them with both arms and then also get one of his legs up there
to hold that giant.
You know, he had to fucking put, he had to get two hands and a foot up there to
hold that giant up to his mouth.
And he was just, dude, people smoking horse legs, dude.
Equestrians.
You know what I'm saying?
The kind of giants that might test positive for doping, for steroids.
Them big horse legs, baby.
Dude, I remember I got high one time, you know.
They picked me up at 8 o'clock.
I got so high, I fell asleep.
At 8.15, I was unconscious, right?
But still, I was young, man.
And you could faint or pass out.
You could die when you were young.
And you wake back up two hours later.
And people were like, where have you been?
And you're like, I've been fucking dead in row six.
I'm like, well, come on back, man.
You're like, I'm back now.
You know, this is reincarnation.
Pass that jaunt again.
And you get jaunted up.
But I remember all kind of stuff.
People, you know, using, you know, making, you'd have a one, row seven or row
eight.
Somebody making illegal footwear.
Anything could happen.
You know, they had a couple of children back there with printing presses.
You know, you know, making propaganda flyers.
Anything could happen.
You know, the first or second row, that's where people that really, you know,
some people were just looking for a ride.
Hitchhikers.
Everybody was in that church van.
When somebody that wasn't with the church got a hold of it.
You know, you'd have people in the second row, you'd have, or the third row,
you'd have people touching each other's crotches, you know, fangabonging, you
know, fangabonging each other.
But by the seventh row, they'd be raising a child, the same people, later that
evening.
It was just, you know, anything could happen.
When you get married in row five, you know what I'm saying, child rearing in
row seven, divorced in row 11, working for the city in row 12.
Bam, son, you got a whole fucking life going on in that church van, boy.
Thing had 46 rows, dude.
They had a funeral going on in row 39.
Somebody gone, somebody died.
And this time died for full time.
This is full time, 40 hours a week dead.
We're not talking part time.
But man, that was wild.
That was wild.
And that was wild being young.
Thank you guys for checking out this clip.
And if you want to see another clip, then you can look at this clip or this
clip.
Either one of these.
So did you pick one or are you still just watching me do this?
Because this is alarming.