Name: Jay Mohr Tells Theo Von Chris Farley Stories
Uploaded: 2019-05-28T07:08:15.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jay Mohr Tells Theo Von Chris Farley Stories' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-05-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jay Mohr Tells Theo Von Chris Farley Stories' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-05-28. Transcript available.

look at my man right here i love you at the farley mural yeah man breath this
young man named brady
matthews painted this for me and i was his first one well brady matthews needs
to hear this story
and then we'll go jump on to more stories yeah we'll jump on more stories in
just a second david
tell and i shared an office at saturday night live if you want to make sure
nothing gets done
put the two of us in an office like he had a box set of otis redding that lauren
gave him for his
birthday and he cut a hole where the mouth was and put a cigarette in it and
lit it like that
was two weeks of laughter like how long does the cigarette laugh one of them go
faster and we're
like he's actually smoked we weren't well so farley comes in on a rewrite night
there's no reason for
farley to be in the building he was the most beautiful man i ever met in my
life ever my
grandfather my other grandfather read my mom's dad maurice ferguson he was he
was the one man that
saw him he was the most beautiful man ever and then chris right behind him and
chris wasn't sober the
two years i was there he was had his together he was you know in a van down by
the river it's then yeah
and he comes in he goes what are you guys doing and me and david tell go we'll
give you a hundred
dollars to take a shit out the window oh yeah but we said at the same time like
creepy twins come play
with us danny we'll pay you a hundred he asked us how what we were doing and
our answer at the same
time he's from brooklyn i'm from jersey he's jewish i'm catholic like what we'll
give you a hundred
dollars like the cadence like we were singing a song together to shit out the
window and he goes give
me the money first and we're like oh fuck patent pockets bro and including and
i'm not exaggerating
making lunch baby four dollars in coins it was exactly a hundred dollars and so
he takes the paper
money chris farley puts it in his pocket and then reaches across my desk which
is against the window
the longest way you could go and fuck the strong motherfucker man yeah lifts
that shit tilts the
desk and the coins like in a cartoon ding ding ding into his pocket like ding
ding like stacks of
quarters stacks like ding ding ding ding ding ding it was amazing drops the
desk opens that giant ass
window goes up on the window ledge and rests the window on the back of his neck
facing in the building
oh wow is the 17th floor yeah he could fall to his death at any moment
especially at his weight that's a
risk he he's very graceful man i he was at no risk of losing he have long legs
no he was just like a
football player and he just had incredible balance you see him do cartwheels
and and flips he was great
the only thing in the building was like his nose his hands that were on his
knees and the snot bubble
coming out of his nose and all the holding just his head against that window
well yeah and he's balancing
on the ledge as well right but it became obvious and they do tell the story on
stage it became obvious
immediately that chris didn't get it to pop he didn't have to shit at all oh
but he had the money
and he always delivers and the deal's a deal but he always delivers so you're
doing that body tetris at
that point you know what i'm talking about i love you i swear to god i'll
fucking marry you
you start playing jango with yourself bro because you got to find a turd in you
body tetris i'm mad but that's true though you're just moving around yeah i
mean you're doing things
yeah that's when you get the diarrhea with the stomach ache you're like i gotta
move this bubble
here dude that's when you start that's when i need that shitty piece that comes
down makes it right
and comes down again yeah the one that fucks up your whole game that little hitter
you need that baller
so like the windows rattling from effort like he's purple and he's it's farly
he's going like
i'll get it and is he saying stuff also to make you guys laugh at this point as
well he can't he's
insatiable that way he can't and after like a minute which is a long time when
a guy's above the
skating rink yeah like if you ever see like a fake one fake newton without the
newton one of those
like that size that shape it was like square shape oh yeah and it was thin oh
yeah uh i'll guess
consistency fell like the snow through the window behind him fell from his ass
in the window onto my fucking desk oh that's a detroit dove right there it was
he wipes his
ass with his hand there's no papers we don't write we don't write yeah we do
nothing in there but
fucking i watch him smoke i do diamond push-ups and i call escorts and fucking
finally wipes his ass with
his hand he goes and starts doing like a zombie walk and starts chasing in
quotes because he's going
doing a zombie walk me and david tell are hauling ass down these hallways but
like in scooby-doo he's
always right behind us he's just going his eyes are all the way in the back of
his head so we don't
know how he can see and he went from like haha to like oh no like terrifying
like i thought uh harbor
heights mexican mafia gangbanger he's on pcp and he wouldn't go down i'm like
oh this is great
like right between the chin and from his fucking middle of his eyebrow to like
his bottom lip just
and then like a minute in you go this is a horror movie like i'm getting tired
and you get going you
fucking near you i am like somebody fucking john mitch mullaney gets out of his
car and beats him
up and the whole set mitch mullaney like apparently just fought in oakland his
whole life it was
amazing rest in peace brother he saved my life so farley's chasing us around
there's a hallway going
to lauren's office that's single file only lauren michaels yeah lauren green
actually he took over
the show for a while did he really no he just mentioned michael landon so jump
on that i love michael
landon i okay have you told him now well i didn't get my mom almost met him one
time at the fairgrounds
but um we're gonna get into this on mine let's start more stories with this
okay because this ties
right into everything i was just saying about your home it's fascinating he was
the ideal he was the
guy oh i get it even the pajamas that were the whole body red pajamas you're
like see that's what
a man wears oh he was prince henry he was prince henry prince harry prince harry
he was our you
know he was our yeah yeah you know he was estee lauder he was somebody you know
he was the big
deal atel and i had a single file only and i'm like i am i am 11 months removed
from college wrestling
so i'm like and this motherfucker's right next to me ass and elbows david tell
and he's like i'm like
neither one of us are giving it up and i'm on the bookshelf side and it hits my
shoulder and my
shoulder comes out of the socket goes around me like a grandma taking her bra
off at the table
it felt like it just went around my body and if you're not sure you've been
knocked out it's like
i'm not sure if i napped or not you did because there's no way like no i didn't
nap like i don't
know if i napped like then you something happened yeah if you're like did i
just get fucking knocked
yes yes you did and i i'm standing there i'm laying on my back and farley in
the shithand he's like
and i'm like um and i go fuck you farley i broke my fucking joe i'm like
putting it on like really
acting i made myself cry and he goes are you okay and he stands up and i just
got up and i ran out of
the fucking building and i jogged home and i got under the covers it was like
the most amazingly funny
the most impossible thing the most frightening thing and i like fooled like a
beautiful man
into thinking i was hurt like that hurt me worse than anything he's like are
you okay like when he
stopped being a zombie it was like heartbreaking i just fucking wanted to throw
myself in front of a cab
but that's but it's almost perfect man i can imagine at that moment you're
under the covers
and you created all of these all of these things happened and you're filled
with all these feelings
you're filled with excitement laughter uh fear chicanery because you guys
created this crazy thing
the the the vision tom foolery and rumpus the vision that somebody got shit on
the vision you know
hurt and all of that it's like and then you were able probably just to like
sleep comfortably that's
an enormous event but it just shows how many feelings you have to have
sometimes as an alcoholic
to be filled with to be able to just oh it was an overload it was too many
feelings right but the one
that got me was the are you okay that that fucking to this day i i get if i
think about it long enough
i'll fucking cry like that's a beautiful beautiful man like there's a reason
you mentioned his name and
people go oh my god like yeah you think you know but you don't know but i'm
glad you know what you know
yeah but he was the most beautiful man i ever met in my life not named maurice
yeah yeah