Name: Theo Von Listeners Share Their FTCT Stories
Uploaded: 2019-06-12T03:00:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von Listeners Share Their FTCT Stories' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-06-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von Listeners Share Their FTCT Stories' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-06-12. Transcript available.

Theo Von Listeners Share Their FTCT Stories

hi field this is sarah from chicago hey sarah from chicago nice to see you over
there
and chicago an amazing city in the u.s you know a good city where i think you
get a little bit of
everything uh and i met some beautiful ladies over there in chicago and over
the years i saved
them on my phone i'll be like oh chicago janet you know chicago uh ray you know
raylene or
uh raynell and then over the years but then you come back to town over the
years and you then you hit
them up and you're like i don't even remember now this lady you know she's 45
or 47 she's got a
couple kids her husband's texting you back like who the fuck what's going on so
you got to be careful
who you whose number you save in that great city let's hear more this morning
on my way to work
i was laughing at the hotline question because my first sexual experience as a
15 year old was with
some with some crotch rubbing and praise god babe praise god and uh let's hear
you just say that
part again about the crotch rubbing because it's just make sure everybody heard
it i can't tell
some with some crotch rubbing and my boyfriend and i who's now my husband we're
in the back of my dad's
car on our way home from great america oh yeah and so it begins immediately i'm
going back to that
place in my heart in my right now i want to go put on like a um i want to put
on a big johnson shirt
they had this special series of shirts uh i want to go put you know i want to i
want to put on some
old music some boys to men or some um some kind of shit and really make it pop
so you and your
oh yeah you're in the back of a parent's car okay let's go my dad's car on our
way home from great
america great america is in gurney and we live all the way in chicago so it's a
good two-hour drive
pretty far and i remember i just kind of started touching his crotch and i don't
really know why
oh i know why because the lord wants you to that's why i mean i look if you put
my hand somewhere and
you put a crotch somewhere else and you turn off the lights when you turn that
light back on i swear
to god boy my hand will be over there so let's hear more um i'm the oldest of
two brothers so i
didn't really have any siblings to kind of help me understand what sex was what
was going to happen
none of that so he started reacting as men do to a woman touching his crotch
and he had a uh
he had a heart on for about two hours all the way from great america all the
way home and my husband
and i we still laugh about it uh but i remember being so shocked not really
understanding what the
hell was going on if he was going to be okay oh yeah and that's beautiful and
you know that's love when
you get erect and somebody asks you if you're doing okay i mean that's american
love right there
usually you get erect and people a woman might laugh she might you know text to
get a shot of it a snap
show her friend you know ronnie's got a little dick but it's beautiful when a
woman you know you get
erect you've been erect for a couple hours a girl knocks on the door hey
everything all right let's
hear more um and now obviously it's just something we can look back and laugh
at um gang gang gang a
two-hour wiener your man showed out with and that's beautiful and if you wanted
to enter something in a
national 4-h competition they're judging rabbits and they're judging you know
little chickadees and
stuff you got to have two of the chickadees and this hair's got to be slick
back and they got to be
healthy and their sugar levels good but you show me a man who can have an erection
you know a two-hour
wiener on a riding back seat of a car while his while the dad is picking the
music that's a show
animal to me thank you for that call and thank you for that story and just
taking me back in time
i remember hearing the first time i'd ever even heard about people having sex
because we used to do
some peeping time and when i grew up peeping time and was i mean that was cable
and we used to do some good peeping time and boy i could see somebody eat and i'll
watch somebody
eat or do sex or whatever and all of it was kind of the same to me at all just
i was so curious very
much like the american beauty remember that movie with kevin spacey and the
other boy ben affleck or
whatever but i loved that uh i loved watching people live their lives through
pain glass who
doesn't and so what i'm saying now is this uh i don't even know what i'm saying
i don't even know
what i'm talking about but uh but thank you for that story thank you for taking
me back i remember the
first time when i was young hearing about sex and hearing that people that were
having it and there
was a boy and he was like a year older than us or two years and everybody said
that he and this girl
that had sex on some lawn chairs out by a pool over summer and suddenly
everybody's like fuck man
i gotta have sex people are scared people are writing i'm having sex on pieces
of paper and just throw
just you know pinning it to their shirt everybody's like what are you talking
about you know
people don't even know like everybody was just consumed people are buying lawn
chairs and you know
laying them just putting them in their yard other people are like sacrilegious
they're buying lawn chairs
and like putting gas on them and burning them yelling racial slurs and stuff at
them it just
it got wild but but yeah once that fire starts once you hear somebody i mean i
remember my buddy
my buddy
you know i remember the big thing was if you could touch a woman's crotch while
y'all were in the back
of the car when the mom was taking you home that was and still let me say this
that is still a golden move i don't care if you're 15 or if you are 60
if your wife or your significant other's mother is driving y'all somewhere and
you in the back with
your lady and you get to doing some touching or you know or the or your lady
jerks you off while
your dad is driving y'all somewhere that's still awesome man that is still
it's kind of like it's the it's the mount kilimanjaro of sexuality it's just
that rare
it's just that thing it's something it's like so defiant of your parents and at
the same time so like
adventurous because with all your dad has to do is turn back and look and you
you're done dude what one of my friends who will name nate who will remain nameless
he was with his
family driving somewhere on a vacation okay he puts the map up like this and
masturbated behind the map
i mean if you think your parents don't know that you're masturbating behind a
map in a small vehicle this
wasn't an suv this is a car suv maybe jerking off behind a rand mcnally
behind a small map in a car in a sedan
dirt that's dirt boy that's dirt yeah man yeah man boy you got to tighten up on
that on that level
all right let's take another story that came in here but the man just some
beautiful stories
beautiful stories and we just want to what a phenomenal time this is in people's
lives
yes sir and that's first time crotch touch and that's that f first time ft ct
crotch touch
thank you for calling in kyle from north kakalaka beautiful beautiful place
over there and i know duke
was losing in those uh in those to vanderbilt in those men's college world
series but kudos to them
uh for for developing a great program over there i know you and season in the
college world series
as well right now on whatever you want to call it that first time crotch story
first time i grabbed
crotch my parents and everyone else was going to church so and you know when
you put the lord
next to the loins and it's a real face off oh makes it more exciting doesn't it
when everybody was in church
we would sneak away and go upstairs and we would swap spit with the girls you
know i was in middle school
and i had my girlfriend at the time and i had seen my stepsister and her
boyfriend
do something i ain't never seen you and he touched her crotch and he told me
that's what you gotta do
oh that's what you gotta do boy that's what you gotta do
sorry this is a very interesting to me to hear this research let's hear more
oh yeah suddenly it's saturday night even though it's sunday school suddenly it
is saturday night
my friend yes sir let's hear more i learned this new trick and we were making
out
oh yeah you're damn wayne gretzky brother i mean you're the damn wayne gretzky
of young leg let's hear it and she had sent me a note saying we were moving too
fast
and uh she broke up with me and i didn't grab another crotch for a few years
because i was kind
of like a ptsd from it you know i thought every time i i tried to make a move
on anybody they were
going to break up with me wow man well i appreciate you sharing that man i
could understand that some
yeah you know look that's very look something happens and it alarms you and
then you set off
let's hear more but that's that's my first crotch story so gang gang i love y'all
gang gang brother and thank you for sharing your story with everybody and i
mean that
you know it's brave to put a little bit of yourself out there whether it's a
piece of your
past or a piece of your present and i and i uh i applaud all of all the callers
that do
you know i remember now you know i had erectile dysfunction for probably about
11 years and i still
really you know i'll probably still at all times i got to have a little bit of
gas station you know
some of those uh gswps those gas station wiener pills in my system at all times
to even really get
out of bed in the morning i need two milligrams of something running through me
and and uh and it's uh
fuck sorry for us talking about jesus
man yeah well so you i remember getting non-erect
and a lady and then i try to tell her like i was doing magic and i was like
ta-da and my dick still wasn't doing erection
my wiener was still being soft being you know real natural
and
she was disappointed and then i couldn't get over that for years
because really i was just nervous i should have just said hey i'm just
uncomfortable right now
and it probably would have been cool but at the time i was just young and i was
nervous and there
was broken glass and look i can't get erect near broken glass okay yeah my bad
right but i can't get
erect near broken glass and i still can't or if there's a car accident or
something dude i
i ain't i ain't i ain't getting erect near a car accident okay yeah my bad
ladies but yeah those
things really can give you a little bit of travesty but thank you for sharing
man that is a middle
school's a little young to be learning that trick you know first time i saw
some breasts i remember i
was uh well they used to have somebody had chiseled some tits into a nice birch
that uh had been hit by
lightning out near us in the woods and people used to go masturbate to that and
you know and that's
just the lord working but this was uh i was at summer camp and they had this
girl man she had red hair
i'd never seen red hair i'd never seen it
i'd seen you know different colors of hair brown blonde uh black white
but i'd never seen red hair and this girl had it man she just looked so exotic
to me
and uh i saw him another camp counselor looking at her breast one time this
dude joey i think his name
was or you know joey was actually a little more this dude joey what was his
name he was my camp
counselor john he had a cousin a nephew named jonas oh man i got for some
reason i know them and my
brain my brain is just skipping on their name um but they was out i think he
grew up out off of
lee road anyway but uh they joey i think was looking at the lady's breast the
camp counselor
and i was a camper a camper and so i was like oh what's in there you know and
he kept looking in
her shirt and and they said oh titties are and so i wanted to look in right so
i looked in and i saw
him dude and i'd never seen titties dude except for my mom's you know and i'd
only sneakily seen them
and seen them sometimes when i didn't want to when my mom didn't think that we
knew what titties
were and she would almost and sometimes she would just get out th