Name: Chris D'Elia & Theo Von Talk About Education Reform
Uploaded: 2019-06-19T00:30:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Chris D'Elia & Theo Von Talk About Education Reform' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-06-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Chris D'Elia & Theo Von Talk About Education Reform' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-06-19. Transcript available.

what are some things about you if you had to change something honestly you had
to change
something about crystal you're like oh this has to go calf power calf power i
would have calf power
yeah yeah no i have no calf power oh my god no calf power any you don't have
any no dude if i
even look up for a high book on a shelf i fucking yeah you're probably ready
you got to get a water
dude dude i have no calf power and i love working out and when it comes to calf
i just i guess i
just go you know what fucking i guess forget it dude you just leave at the end
and don't do them
yeah i don't i don't i save them for the end and then i don't do them yeah yeah
yeah yeah in the
workout early dude my mom my mom would always be like when i was a kid she
would this is the same
kind of shit she would be like what kind of homework do you have and i would be
like oh i got english i
got math i got fucking social studies i got this and she'd be like okay cool
and then like three and
then like five o'clock would roll around she'd be like you should get started
on your homework i'd be
like you know what i fucking talked to my the math thing isn't due until
fucking tuesday so i don't
have to do that tonight and then turns out social studies was a lot less than i
thought it was and
she'd be like oh really i'd be like yeah okay and then nine o'clock and she'd
be like did you do your
homework i'd be like no but it's actually okay and she'd be like what and i
just would never do my
homework that's what that's what calf exercises is like i would never do dude i
fucking wish i
that's so true i'll tell you what man i can really relate to that shit dude i'll
tell you what i wish
you know how they always say like kids do your homework stay in school i wish i
didn't do more
homework i wish i did less homework really yeah dude we do dick jokes yeah oh
yeah i don't need
to know about fucking imaginary numbers i don't have to do any of that work
dude when i when i did
math okay when i was in math and i was not doing well in math where'd you sit
in the classroom
uh the back until they made me sit in the front you sat in the back they made
me sit in the front
oh that kid they were like yeah it was always a kid that they moved yeah
exactly through like you
thought the back was the worst until you got to the front it was like they lapped
you with the front
you could sit in the front and be like oh the back is the shit and they're like
no no no get back in
the front i'm like these motherfuckers i'm lapping these people that's how bad
i am so but then didn't
all your friends in the back look so dumb then once you got to the front you
look back you're like
oh those kids are dumb as fuck they did and and and yeah and they you were even
dumber but they
could only see your back so it's okay um they can see your face um yeah so i so
i would do math and
then and then i got like uh to a mat like we got to imaginary numbers and i was
like if you're just
gonna make this shit up from now on i'll fail and i don't give a shit you know
what i mean like
fucking go fuck your where's the camera go fuck yourself with your imaginary
numbers yeah and that's
common core man when i was growing up they had yeah it got all kind of crazy
carry the one i'm like oh
this shit it sounds like a fire hazard like things got real vague and things
were uh it sounded like
somebody's getting abducted remember that carry the one i'm like i'm out of
here yeah i'm not into
that yeah i'm like i go i go digit i go single digits and if you want i could
go a little bit
of double digits and then that's it dude when you get into hundreds and
carrying shit and x exponents
right fuck out of here i'm out of here what am i a scientist yeah what am i a
fucking burn victim
dude you think i want to know how all these chemicals work i'm just like dude
you want me
to do this i'm like chernobyl exploded anyway and i don't have anything like
you got guys who do that
shit uh me fuck out of here that's true what are we gonna do with that
information man yeah do you
remember learning about how like a neighborhood worked remember that where the
postman should go in
the neighborhood that was effective so we yeah so we never learned that uh my
my town we never learned
that uh and i don't think that that's a class but you you maybe may you maybe
learn that that would be
amazing if there was a class on how a neighborhood work you know what dude
there should be a fucking
class on how here's the thing there should be these should be the classes okay
for real okay
fuck math get out english a little bit up to like fourth grade yeah and then
high school no you don't
need english in high school you don't need english in high school yeah if you're
here's the thing if
you're don't know english how you even get to if you're in eighth grade and you
don't know how to
talk you have to you have to join the army basically right because like you
know and you're
frontline you understand you're not the guy in the back now by the way army
that's opposite of a
yeah it's opposite yeah you're dumb as fuck you're in the front you know they're
all the laughed
motherfuckers so yeah yeah yeah yeah you're the guy teach you how to catch
bullets with your heart
yeah yeah yeah exactly or a head head or heart johnny caught it in the shoulder
not good enough
not good enough um so okay so that's two of the classes then they're gone
english is out right
social studies by the way that's where we learned about the neighborhood what
is it yeah but but it's
not though do you understand it's neighborhood what statues are right right
right right so this
is what it should be actually for real how a city or neighborhood works okay
okay that should be
class and we call that what just basically street beats
all right cool i like that it's a good class name also if the class names were
hip yeah
if the class names were hip like that i would be in it man yes sir i'd take
street beats boy
street beats ap ap street beat yeah yeah larry got a tattoo uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh
now why did larry
get a tattoo right yeah so uh today we're learning class why larry got a tattoo
and i'm in the i'm in
the front right is it because his name is a larry all guys named larry have a
tattoo if you ever
met a guy whose name larry and doesn't have a tattoo and he's not in the three
stooges you haven't
met a larry i'll tell you that much so um so so so you got street so street
beats um swimming huh
um depends really not not in indiana right no but in la yes in the b yeah i
mean west coast east
coast you know being a beach guy yeah um maybe like up near you know some some
fucking city west of
portland you might learn that body style or like yeah let me think uh um uh you
learn you know what
you you know what's a good what a good class would be like to learn who an
alpha is like you have to
understand who the alphas are and we call the class peck the pecking order okay
yeah pecking order like
you don't po they call it okay yeah who do you have for po yeah yeah and it
would be like this real
fucking either you would have teachers that were like real alpha or these real
beta motherfuckers that
were like look i understand who i am um and it's okay if this is who you are
but you need to know
who you are and if an alpha walks in the room you kind of look at them like you
know what i mean
yeah just water the plants again yeah yeah exactly how do you look at how you
offer him a lollipop or
whatever the fuck it is like who you know you understand you know not class
right peck in order
it would be like greg stand up show us how you look at an alpha and he'll be
like because i'm a beta
yes and then greg goes like this and you're like a plus oh yeah yeah plus greg
yeah yeah yeah
yeah just keep hanging the christmas ornaments greg right he'll be over there
under the mistletoe he'll
be over there under the mistletoe 100 yeah yeah i think how to behave at
functions is another one
that's a good one function behavior that could probably be in po yeah it could
be in po yeah it
could be like a second year yeah because alphas behave differently than betas
in oh it's different
alphas will leave a place early kind of to go do something better even though
they're not doing
anything and get there late yeah the alphas are only in places for like 25
minutes yeah sometimes they
barely even show up they get there late and they left early yeah would you say
you're an alpha
me yeah no i think i'm more of a more of a beta really i'm like one of those
chinese fighting fish
i think what are those betas yeah but i think they have their own alpha beta
shit going on well i
mean yeah they're suicidal some of them yeah but they only think they're
killing themselves a lot
of them think it's a mirror and they're killing themselves that's why they do
that that's so
fucking interesting you know what you came to a dinner once and you came late
and left early
remember that dinner oh yeah i did so you might been alpha yeah because you
guys first of all
was a dinner in the dark well but that's what a fucking that's what a nice
place is you don't
go to a fucking bright place for dinner dude what are you fucking you know you
make some money you
got to go fucking dim the lights bro i make money yeah i want to see what i'm
eating bro dude that's
right because you're pouring your heart that's why you're pouring your heart
you gotta let that go
that's true man you are pouring your heart you know i really am that's okay but
but that's okay
though that's why people like you bro that's one of the reasons why people like
you that's why i like
you it's one of the reasons why i like you yeah yeah who are very different but
we also like
we vibe off each other and i'll tell you too what was i gonna say um oh yeah
you thought you'd be all
alpha by coming late and leaving early yeah i paid for your meal yeah i did i
paid for your meal
so you're not gonna alpha me bro yeah i was like what am i gonna do and i took
what we should have
learned in school and i was like it was like that meme with the fucking uh who's
the guy
zach alfinakis doing all the math and i was like pay for it i was like i got
bye bye i got it and
i'll pay for it and they all went oh they did the weba that's a pecking order
yeah dude are you
starting to live through memes you think i don't know i did two meme jokes and
i think that's probably
it i think that's probably it for the day probably yeah i thought about that
when i said that i was
like too many meme jokes but well thanks for watching that video right there
that was a beautiful
little segment i think but of course i'm partisan to myself but you can move on
to another video right
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