Name: Couple Has a Surprise Baby
Uploaded: 2019-08-06T00:37:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Couple Has a Surprise Baby' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-08-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Couple Has a Surprise Baby' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-08-06. Transcript available.

Hey yo, this is Mike from Raleigh, North Carolina.
And he also would sometimes wear roller skates at lunch and do a little
athletics.
But go on, onward.
Not really a hot topic or anything.
I just thought it was kind of a crazy story.
I don't know if you've ever heard a surprise baby story.
But the day after the 4th of July, we had a baby boy.
And we had no idea that was coming.
She took some tests back in November.
I came back not pregnant.
She was having her cycle, her hitter every month.
Oh yeah, that Tony Gwynn baby batting for the cycle, bruh.
It's like a brother gets loose inside of a woman, bruh, that Tony Gwynn.
And they start acting wild, you know.
And they start just really, just, just really acting wild.
He never kicked one time.
And 4th of July, she thought she was constipated all day long.
I was driving around, going to go to a pool party.
I was listening to King and the Sting.
And, you know, she said she thought she was constipated and feel good.
So we were going to go to the ER together.
And she ended up going home, going to sleep.
So I was just waiting to get that call.
She wanted to go.
But I never got a call.
Went by.
Her apartment car was gone.
Called the hospital.
Said they were getting, she was getting transported there.
And came by.
Her dad was outside waiting for me, saying I was going to be a daddy.
She was in labor.
And I just think it's funny, man.
You know, some people when they're, when they're pregnant, they give them all
this, uh, the Beethoven, with the baby in the womb.
What's all this stuff?
My kid was listening to this past weekend, King and the Sting, and that
Congratulations by Chris Delia.
Oh, God.
Sorry about that part.
Hope the kid will be okay.
Onward.
Yeah, I just thought you'd think that's cool, man.
Maybe he'll grow up to be a comedian one day.
That's off to me, man.
Gang, gang.
Gang, gang, bro.
He might be a comedian.
He might also grow up, uh, you know, to be a mime.
I mean, that dude must be hella quiet if nobody even knew he was in their body
for nine months.
Think about it.
If I got something in my body for nine months and it doesn't make a peep, that's
not even a baby, man.
That's a ninja.
Your wife had a ninja.
So, you might want to give that thing a piece of, you know, a big piece of
pound cake or a big turkey leg or a cotton candy.
Because you got that low-key, that secret Asian, baby.
That's a damn ninja, dude.
If you didn't, dude, I never gone to the toilet and come back a parent.
I mean, that's dark arts, brother.
You know, and God bless you guys with the new baby and I'm so excited for you.
But I never, you know, I've never been over at, you know, at a chick's house
and she busts a fart or something or a little bit of body gas and next thing
you know, I'm a stepfather.
So, I don't know what's going on.
But y'all might need to get on keto or y'all might need to get on a, you might
need to get a sonogram at the house, brother.
You know what I'm saying?
You got to know when, you just got to know if something's living inside of your
body, I think.
I guess.
Or maybe you don't.
You know what?
Actually, bro, this sound great.
You didn't have to spend any money on the baby shower.
You didn't have to paint the room or do all of that.
Dude, if this baby can be quiet for nine months inside of a woman's body, he
can sleep in the garage.
He could sleep in a fucking, in one of the DeWalts in the truck.
Dude, you could put this baby anywhere.
Dude, you could put this baby in a glove box.
Baby, leave him in there overnight.
Put a sack milk in there with him like your boy Raleigh Coleman.
So look, man, I think you need to write a book on how to have that zero dollar
baby.
Because you heard a million dollar baby, Hilary Swank.
But you never heard of a, of a, of the, of zero dollar baby.
That's what you got to write.
How to have a baby, zero dollars, zero sonograms, no baby clothes, silent baby.
Baby, you got a, you got a damn mind, brother.
And congratulations, man.
I'm happy that you're a father.
And it sounded like your wife is doing okay.
And, and, you know, it sounded like y'all beautiful over there.
And, and, and thank you for sharing that remarkable story.
That's remarkable, Jesus.