Name: Theo Von Gives Advice for Sweaty Hands
Uploaded: 2019-08-28T02:00:32.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von Gives Advice for Sweaty Hands' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-08-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von Gives Advice for Sweaty Hands' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-08-28. Transcript available.

Hey, Dio. Cam, Charlotte, North Carolina.
What's up, Cam, from Charlotte.
And that's, uh, Charlotte is a woman's name, too.
It's also a city, so, you know what I'm saying?
Sometimes if you see a dude just humping the air in the middle of town,
you say, dang, what's going on, boy?
You say, oh, I'm just getting a little bit of Charlotte.
You feel me, gang, gang?
20 years old, young buck, trying to figure out my way in life.
20 years old right there, double decades right here.
Onward, brother.
I got a problem with these sweaty hands, man.
My dad had problems with it, tells me not to worry about it,
but comes a problem on dates, man.
Oh, you got them sweaty hands, huh?
You got them leaky mitts, baby.
Tell me more.
Just wondering some advice that maybe you could give a young guy.
Sweaty hands, trying to figure out this world, man.
Oh, you got that drip shake, huh?
I can only imagine, man.
You try to shake somebody's hand, and you and your daddy probably can't even
handshake
because it's just like two fists trying to hug, and they can't.
It's like, hmm, damn.
Onward.
Thank you, and maybe give me a little advice on what to do with these hitters.
Thanks, man.
You got them leaky hitters, bro.
I mean, the only thing you could do, marry a plumber.
You know, that's the old joke.
If you got sweaty hands, you marry a plumber.
But damn, boy, you got them sweaty hands, that's trouble.
Hmm.
Yeah, that's a tough one, man, because, I mean, you could keep, like,
I don't know if you've ever been to the gymnasium,
but they have this little thing of chalk sometimes.
I guess people die there a lot or whatever, and they'll put it on their hands
or something.
You know, if they're doing, you know, I guess, I don't know.
I don't know what it's for, really, but people put it on their hands there.
And you can do it, too.
So you can put one of those in the vehicle or something.
What else?
You could hold your hands out of the window when you drive.
So, you know, you could hold your hands right out of the car window when you
drive,
like a little Bichon.
And they do that sometimes and hang your tongue out or something to kind of
cool them bad boys off.
Because those are, that's those fucking front grippers, baby, them hands.
You got a pair of them.
And, I mean, yeah, I don't know what else you could do, dude.
Get some gloves or something.
Get some cinnamon.
Put a, you know, or do something like seasonal.
Some Oregon, not Oregon, a little bit of ganger.
You feel me, that ganger?
Get you some of those, you know, or crumble up some ganger snaps or whatever
and put them on the front.
Get you right.
But, yeah, you need some type of a dust to cover it.
Now, there's a surgery you can get.
You got to get the glands sawed out of your hands.
So, I don't know where you want to do that at.
But I would say, I think it's, a lot of girls will think it's cute, too.
You know, just tell them they make you nervous or something.
I think, now, that's a good way, in the beginning, say, oh, yeah.
You know, oh, hey, Violet.
You know, you're really making me nervous.
You know, my hands are really just leaking for you.
Or get you some special gloves, some gloves that match, like, your pants.
Like, Brennan Schaub is, like, a guy that will wear some fucking weird gloves.
So, do some shit like that and do something.
But I think if a girl said, man, your hands are real wet.
I would say, look, well, look.
Hey, I'll get wet if you get wet.
You feel me?
Now, that's kind of perverse.
But that's, you know, that's not a real Christian way to go about it.
But that's something you could do.
And what else?
Man, the truth is, somebody's going to love your damn wet hands.
They probably got a lady out there sitting around with dry, ashy hands.
You know, some lady, she's just leaving just real intense fingerprints
everywhere she goes.
And people say, damn.
I mean, you probably can't play solitaire because the cards get all kind of
waterlogged up.
You know, they get all, you know, they swole a little.
But, but they got some dry, dry lady out there.
I mean, look at this.
Your mother, your father, Majin, he's, you know, he got them drippy mitts.
So, it's all, we've all got something, bro.
You know, I feel like I've been losing my hair, dude.
That's scary.
You know, I got a big nose right on the front of my face, dude.
You know how much easier it would be if my nose was on the back of my face?
Way easier.
But, you know, we've all got some kind of thing.
You know, I got those fucking, people don't want to talk about them a lot.
Those clavies.
I got those up top hitters.
Baby, them high ribs.
And them bitches are beautiful.
But, you don't see those a lot.
You know, so we all have things about ourselves that we don't really enjoy.
So, I think if you got some, you know, just tell them you've been doing laundry
or something.
You could do that.
But the unique thing about it is, is there's somebody else out there that's got
it just like you, your father.
And you have somebody to talk about it with.
And, if anything, it's a gift, man.
What if you and your father had nothing in common?
You know, I'd give anything to have something, you know, to be able to talk to
my father.
Not only talk to him, but about something we had in common.
Blame him.
You also have somebody to blame.
These days, you could take your daddy to court.
Sue him, boy.
The state versus drip drop.
You feel me?
But, I think it's something you have in common with your father.
And, he cares about you.
You know, he's damp with affection for his son.
He's damp with sentiment for his boy.
And, that could be anything coming out of your hands, dude.
Who could, you know, who knows, man.
Damn.
That could be that body skeet.
Boy, that could be the Lord trying to just really blossom right out of your
palms.
So, there's a lot going on with you, man.
And, I think there's supposed to be.
You know, you don't want to have a dry existence.
So, I would put some, you know, maybe there's like a powder that's real fine.
People wouldn't notice.
You could put in your pockets.
You could wear gloves.
Really cool, chill gloves or something.
Fashion's gotten so weird, you could almost do whatever you want.
You could do some blue jean gloves or something like that.
Something that's really kind of unique.
Or, like, Rocky.
Remember, he wore that.
And, he just had a lisp.
So, he didn't even, he wasn't even that fashionable.
He had a speech impediment.
And, he fucking, you know, wore mittens.
So, Jesus Christ, Brian.
He had a great career.
But, I think there's a lot of possibility for you, man.
And, I love you, Brian.
I hope when I see you, dude, you fucking shake me.
You shake my hand with one of those wet bitches, baby.
Because, I'm going to grip that thing and I'm going to pull you in, daddy.
And, give you that one-handed fucking, that fucking lava lock, baby.
That love.
That fucking one-handed fucking love hustle real fast, boy.
That half a hug.
You feel me?
I'm in and out.
Oh, okay.
Thank you guys for checking out this clip.
And, if you want to see another clip, then you can look at this clip or this
clip.
Either one of these.
So, did you pick one or are you still just watching me do this?
Because, this is alarming.