Name: Breech Birth vs Head First Birth | Theo Von
Uploaded: 2019-08-30T00:46:38.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Breech Birth vs Head First Birth | Theo Von' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-08-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Breech Birth vs Head First Birth | Theo Von' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-08-30. Transcript available.

You ever seen a baby deer? Sometimes if a baby deer gets born, they come out of
their mom.
First of all, a baby deer walks out backwards into the world. Do you know that?
Some animals come out frontwards. Humans. You know?
Figures, dude. Idiot humans coming out frontwards. What an idiot.
Because somebody can attack your head immediately.
Say you're being born and there's a damn war going on. Or there's a fire.
And you stick your head out first. What an idiot.
You're an idiot. And when I say you, I mean all of us.
Because that's how we do it. And that should show us right there that humans.
We're not, you know, we're not really pro.
We're not, we're kind of just dumb a little.
We go head first into the world.
I mean, it's brave. You know, it's adventurous.
It's that pioneer spirit.
But to imagine, think about this.
You've, there's, it's a place you've never been.
Because you've never been anywhere.
Because you're brand new into the universe as far as we know.
And you're going to stick your head out there first.
What a damn Muppet.
What a greased up, damn snicker sniffing Muppet.
It's crazy.
And that's why breach birthers, I trust a breach birther more often.
And I wish that if, we should all have to wear a little name tag that says if
we were breach or head first.
Because while head first, it's brave and everything.
Also, way idiot.
Yeah, never been in the universe before.
I'm just going to stick my head out first.
Well, that's nuts.
So breach birthers, at least they're like, I'm going to put a toe into the
universe and see how it feels.
Maybe I'll put two feet into the universe.
Way more.
And if a breach birth, if it's a fire, if it's a war, or if somebody lops their
heads off, their legs off, you still got the rest of your body.
You can still get born and go live out in the world in a wheelchair or on a
skateboard if you don't have any legs.
Sometimes when people don't have legs, you know, you can see them on the
Internet.
It's a lot of some men and some men in India, even they duct tape them to a
skateboard and that's their body is the skateboard, you know.
They still have their chest and their genitalia and, you know, hips.
But anyhow, you know, that's kind of, I was just fearful.
You know, I was just fearful.
I was just scared, you know, I think just some fear that there's a lot going on
and that, you know, and I was, that I was just going to mess up.
You know, that I just lost my confidence.
I lost my footing for a second.
And going back to what I was talking about, and going back to what I was
talking about, a baby deer, they come in, they back into the universe.
If you ever, sometime I'll stay up at night watching animals be born on the
Internet.
You know, and I was watching funerals for a while, but my therapist said I
should quit watching funerals because it's depressing.
And I'll say this, dude, honestly, a lot of the funerals on the Internet,
extremely long, like most of them are Middle Eastern.
I'm talking, you can watch, there's funerals on the Internet that are six hours
long, and not very bizarre, exciting, but also bizarre.
But you can watch babies be born, but baby deers, they back into the universe.
But when they get here, their legs are so shaky.
You know, their legs are just like, just long, just, they're almost just like
marshmallow with hoofs on the end.
Imagine trying to stand up on marshmallow.
I mean, it's tough.
It's almost, you know, it's, and sometimes if you do a lot of drugs or
something, you can have that similar experience.
But that's how baby deers are, and their legs shake, and that's how I felt.
I just felt shaky.
I felt like my legs and my neck and everything was just marshmallow.
And I just got, I just, you know, I just felt like I didn't want to, I don't
know.
I just wanted, I don't know.
I just didn't feel okay.
And sometimes you're going to have days like that, and so that's just kind of
what was going on.
And I'm not apologizing.
I'm not complaining.
I'm not, I just was trying to, you know, the past few days, I was just trying
to think about what was going on.
You know, and sometimes, fucking, you know, the universe is going to be, you
know, it's going to be this, it's going to be this cool little crystal ball
that I'm going to play with and look at.
And sometimes the universe is going to be a damn cannonball.
That's going to rip right by and just rip my sister's tits off, you know.
Or it's going to just, just come steaming fast right through my stepdaddy's
legs and just blast his nuts into the, the next nutosphere.
Sometimes that kind of stuff's going to happen.
And that's what was going on.
So I just had some fear, man.
You know, I had some fear of, of just failure, I guess.
I had some fear of, you know, I don't know, just everything.
I had some fear.
So that's what was going on with me.
And, uh, and today, and today I'm feeling better.
You know, I've done some things.
I went for a run.
Um, I'm staying, I'm just staying confident.
I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm coming back, man.
I'm Stevie fucking Starlight, dude.
I'm not Billy Black Hole.
I'm not Billy Black Hole, dude.
Well, I'm just, just, just, just falling into my own gravity.
And I'm just going to go hide in my shirt.
Like a Punxsutawney Phil.
That's lazy and don't want to get out there and do his work.
And see what his fucking shadow's going to do.
I'm not going to be like that.
I'm going to be like Stevie Starlight.
And I'm going to fucking, when my mom's at work, I'm going to go in her room.
And I'm going to get her nightgown out of the fucking closet.
And I'm going to get in front of the mirror.
And I'm going to.
I'm going to be human.
That's what I'm going to do.
Thank you guys for checking out this clip.
And if you want to see another clip, then you can look at this clip or this
clip.
Either one of these.
So, did you pick one or are you still just watching me do this?
Because this is alarming.