Name: Theo Von's #SatMornToons from This Past Weekend - Volume 1
Uploaded: 2019-09-28T14:00:12.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von's #SatMornToons from This Past Weekend - Volume 1' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-09-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von's #SatMornToons from This Past Weekend - Volume 1' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-09-28. Transcript available.

Dude, back in the day, boy, when I was young and you heard that doorbell go off,
boy, everybody tried to get to the door to see who it was.
Every kid in the house, man, you could be crying, immediately you dry your
tears up, you put on some powder, whatever, flour, sugar, whatever you gotta do
to make it look like you wasn't crying,
to tighten up, to get first to the door.
You could be in a coma or pretending you're in a coma so you don't have to go
to school.
Fuck that.
The doorbell goes off, you yank that homemade IV out of your arm and run to the
door.
Your mom's like, I thought you was dying.
Somebody would yell in halfway to the door, like, it's for me.
You don't even know.
You just trying to lay claim.
You get there, dude.
It was Jehovah's Witnesses, boy.
Damn, man.
It's the Lord.
Dude, one time, I was in Illinois, in like rural Illinois.
It was wintertime, right?
Yeah.
And we'd eaten some acid, right?
And we got pulled around these cops in this convertible.
They're like, all right, put the top up, get home.
You know, they let us off.
They didn't realize we were on LSD, right?
So we go driving off around these back roads.
And dude, the sun is coming up and we find ourselves on the exact same road
headed right back where the fucking cops are.
And they're still sitting there in no fucking way.
And we can't fucking turn around now.
You can't see a cop and then stop.
Yeah, I remember.
Oh, we're going after that.
We put the top back down so we thought there would be less car for the cops to
see as we went by.
So maybe they wouldn't see us.
Fucking acid logic.
Oh, dude, yeah, acid logic.
And went as slow as possible, bro.
But, bro, the fucking moment we were passing by, I'm just hoping they wouldn't
fucking hear us.
Probably doing four miles an hour.
Shh.
That was the last thing I heard somebody say before the lights went up.
All three got taken into the county courthouse.
Really?
Oh, yeah.
I was on the plane.
So I'm on the plane and, man, there is somebody just puffing butt out into the
air.
You know, somebody just doing, you know, body gas.
And I don't, look, I don't mind smelling one or two.
You know, I'm human.
You know, hell, I'm even a little curious, you know.
But this dude, whoever, this dude was just kept, I mean, this guy was like a
damn locomotive.
And I got that big face piece, you know.
So I'll really, you know, I could smell somebody drinking a Sprite from
probably about 60 feet away.
He's in the seat in front of me.
So finally, dude, after about the seventh time, I fucking woke him up.
I was like, bro, dude, that's, you nasty, man.
And he looked at me.
He was going to maybe say, ah, that's not me.
And I said, that's you.
That's gross.
You're an adult.
And, bro, he didn't do it anymore.
I felt at a certain point like it was personal.
Does that make any sense?
Yeah, totally.
And you had to play the role of that social assassin.
You helped everybody out on the plane.
Oh, yeah.
I got to go to the UFC fights.
Dude, I hadn't been to a fight, you know, since I seen a couple, honestly, a
couple sisters beating up my buddy that had a couple milkshakes in his hand
outside of Cincinnati.
We're going to call and interview the champ.
We're going to call and interview the champ by Dustin Poirier.
Looking for the champ.
Champ's here.
Champ's here.
What's up, brother?
How are you?
A little busted up, you know, but feeling good.
Feeling like the champ.
The champ, dude.
Congratulations, brother.
Thank you, Theo, man.
It was awesome to see you out there in the crowd, bro.
Yeah, I would have tested positive for being a straight bitch in the audience,
dude.
I was fucking so scared, bro.
Some people got hurt.
I was praying for people.
I texted the police at one point.
Like, it was getting, it was crazy, man.
Dude, I was so excited, bro.
I was going to fucking, if anybody jumped in, I was jumping in, you know?
I knew you had my back.
Oh, yeah, dog.
Look, I was going to get knocked the fuck out.
Boy, I was ready to get knocked out.
I even brought a pillow in my bag.
And, dude, we got first class on the airplane.
And first class, man, look, I don't get it all the time.
You know, some people probably always get first class.
You know, Ariana Grande.
Chris D'Elia.
You know, he got first class.
He rich.
I don't know if you know Chris D'Elia or not, or D'Elia.
I heard a rumor that he was at a coffee shop and the table was uneven.
And he took $600 and put it under, you know, the bottom corner of the table to
fix it and left it there when he left.
You know, somebody said he has a bathtub that has like a little soap buffet on
the edge of it.
And Chris D'Elia, dog, probably has blueberry soap.
You know, soap that looks like soap, but it's just crystal and it's not even
really soap.
You know, coconut soap or menthol.
Different type of varieties because he's like that.
And that's different, man.
I'm used to, you know, you get one kind of soap.
You go in there and it's like, oh, what kind of soap do we have?
We got fucking soap.
That's it.
And Chris D'Antoni is a male comedian.
You know who he is.
You go to his house and let me tell you, his house, it's crazy.
They have a drawbridge.
Dude, it comes down and then there's people drawing on it.
There was two guys drawing.
I'm like, what are y'all drawing?
Whatever he wants today.
And you get up there and there's an old man standing there at the top of this
hill.
And he's like, do you know the password, son?
And I was like, fuck you, dude.
It was actually just a homeless guy.
It had nothing to do with Chris's place.
But you get over to his place, man, it's nice.
They got so many stairs.
Oh, you know, I thought I was at Makudampiku.
Dude, in his place, when you walk around, his home is, it's like a castle.
I was like, oh, I think somebody left their car running.
And they had like a, I don't want to say a slave, but they had some dude in
chains.
And he's like, oh, no, that's the dragon, man.
They got a dragon down there, brother.
I was like, oh, okay.
It's a Black Mirror episode.
I remember at this time of year when I was young, in the fall, the carnival
would come by.
And so basically, this guy that was operating the ride, he couldn't even
fucking hear you.
He would lock you in this kind of caged up deal.
And then he would start it off.
One time they set the Ferris wheel up too close to a tree, an oak tree.
You know, or like a haunted maple or something.
You know, but it looked like an oak.
They had a wasp nest up there.
And dude, I don't know if I remember a more harrowing experience.
Dude, you get on this Ferris wheel, and this bitch is just taking you over and
over again through the wasps.
And every time we went through, man.
Every kid on the thing screaming, crying, getting stung.
I remember fucking Daniel hit the air, bruh.
Right, I'll just jump probably 90 feet off.
Nobody, I don't even know what happened to him.
God, I remember that that was miserable.
But they gave everybody free cotton candy.
This was our Vietnam, bruh.
October 31st, it was us against the world.
We was going to get them baby snicker.
And we'd all be on the back of mom's car.
But with the tailgate down, and she's rolling, bruh.
And we're on the back, and mom would roll up by the yard, and we would run and
jump off that tailgate into the yard.
As that car was going, just, bruh, bruh.
Like right out the back of a C-130, man.
Shout out to all of our servicemen and women.
Just bruh, bruh.
And tumble roll into the yard.
Lose half your fucking candy in the room.
Whatever.
And then your sister would come off at the last minute.
She's only two years old.
And then it was just every step you could get through the dark grass to get up
to that front door.
Trick or treat.
And the mom is right there, and she's got the big bowl, and she's dressed up
like a little cat.
And man, you hoped that snicker was in there.
God, I loved Halloween.
Say you were in third grade, and you had that first recess on your new
playground.
The slide was always a piece of shit, bruh, honestly.
Dude, especially in the South, man, they gave us metal slides.
Some days it was 97 degrees.
You got 70 kids trying to play on a fucking hot slide.
You'd have one kid go down.
Then the other 69 kids are now playing a game called EMTs, Emergency Medical
Technicians.
Fucking little hot legs Daniel.
You know, he'd be at the top, and people would be like,
Daniel, don't do it, Daniel.
But you know Daniel, bruh.
He makes his own choices, dude.
And old Daniel, who had just recovered from the burns from last year,
gonna give that 96-degree slide a second chance.
The second he hit the top of that slide, when he sat on it, bruh, you could
hear the scream start.
As he would hit the slide and his legs would roast.
And all the other kids playing EMT suddenly.
I want to say one more thing, because you mentioned this part about you feel
guilty because you haven't served.
And I hear that from a lot of people.
But what I wanted to say is, first of all, it's not for everyone.
You don't need to be in the military to serve.
What can you do if you didn't serve?
Well, there's a bunch of things you can do.
And one of the best things you can do is you go out and you try and live a good
life.
You try and raise a good family.
You try and build a good business.
You try and just be a good person.
Because by doing good things, you're helping America.
You're helping our economy.
Without a thriving economy in this country, the military wouldn't even exist,
right?
So one of the best things you can do as a person is go out and do your job
really, really well.
Go out and kick ass.
You're literally building America and keeping America strong.
You're serving.
It's in a weird way.
As you say that, I'm thinking, you're serving America in a way.
You're serving America by being a good person, by putting other people employed,
by doing fair business.
Yeah.
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