Name: Ralphie May gave Bert Kreischer the idea for Secret Time
Uploaded: 2019-10-05T04:29:28.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ralphie May gave Bert Kreischer the idea for Secret Time' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-10-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ralphie May gave Bert Kreischer the idea for Secret Time' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-10-05. Transcript available.

i wouldn't mind doing a residency in vegas really how does this fucking end
though
oh not good and we're talking same way ralphie's ends
damn little ralphie that's what they would call it oh my god what if the last
special you did
was just like uh ralphie may that was the name of it oh man you look just like
ralph like you
were that crazy dude i i i mean i feel guilty now i know that i had nothing to
do with this
but me and him were on a cruise ship right before he passed like a few months
before he passed which
does he sleep in the middle of a ship he has to sleep in the middle of a cruise
ship at 600 pounds
or 500 pounds you couldn't sleep on a side of the cruise ship could you he's he
was sleeping a lot
that trip he wasn't getting up and doing much and uh and i went we went to his
room once a day and we
go in there and smoke a joint in his room and uh and what he's just laying in
bed the whole time he
was laying in bed a lot he'd get up and move around i mean i mean i'm i'm not i'm
definitely not speaking
ill of the dead but anyone was on that ship would agree he'd move around like
probably
two out of the seven days we were there he'd get up and do stuff and he not
often not often was he
moving around and when you say like like because i've never been around anybody
that has had that
much of a you know an impairment that wasn't like you know i had a friend that
didn't have any legs and
he didn't do that much and then um i had another lady that i think was just
lazy when i was growing
up you know and she also was taking care of a kid a black child yeah and both
her and her husband
were white and they were pretending like it was their child to everybody even
though the lady that
swept at his school bus was black miss tilly and it was obviously her child and
we'd go over there and
it was the weirdest thing like this our son boogie and it would be like dude
they had him dressed up
like a little cowboy and shit like to make him just seem even whiter dude i no
joke i remember this
little boogie he'd have on these red boots and he would do this little fucking
dance by the door when
you went in and it was like what like even i know that you can't get a black
kid out of two white
people no matter how hard you try i love that name boogie do you know what my
there's a i met a
football player in a in a place called the chatterbox one time booger mcfarlane
booger mcfarlane
and i saw him one time at the airport didn't i wanted to talk to him i was so
nervous
mcfarlane they were like this is my friend booger i could not stop laughing you
know he got the nickname
no because he would hit people so hard that they'd have to fucking pick him out
of their nose
are you serious yeah oh i did not i thought it was because he's always had boogers
dude give black people some fucking creative credit bro that's the only other
booger i had
met was from revenge of the nerds oh yeah that's true dude hair pie pan down
can you imagine though
but i hit you so hard you're gonna have to pick me out of your fucking nose bro
that's my friend
kim introduced me to him at the chatterbox in tampa and i was high as fuck and
she's like hey this is
my friend i was like hey man how you doing he's a big guy played at lsu yeah
and he was like
and she's like hey i go how you doing i'm burnt he goes i'm booger and i went
i could not stop fucking laughing and i and no one else was laughing because he
was a buck at the time
yeah so everyone knew booger mcfarlane oh yeah he played for the bucks yeah booger
um so let's go on
so i want to hear more about that ralphie mo this this thing yeah so um i don't
know i don't know
what i was saying gonna be in vegas oh so we were all hanging out oh yeah you
guys were on the cruise
ship and i said that i hadn't heard of many people that couldn't move around
that much he oddly enough he
is the reason i called this special secret time the netflix special because he
um we were all hanging
out and he was like i got offered a residency in vegas i was like man i was
like ralphie i think
that's the best thing for you in my opinion you go you get in vegas you get
healthy you don't have
to fly you don't have to travel i guess traveling was the thing keeping him
healthy because he was
moving around they had to get him right up and out but he was oh you don't even
think of that
you have to get up and go to the to the bus you have to get up at the gas
station maybe you'll get
a drink you know you have to do stuff you have to get up and pay for gas you
have to get there's
things he had to do i guess but i was like go to vegas dude because in my head
i go go to vegas get
healthy get it get involved with some ufc gym out there yeah where they're like
you know maybe it's
not a i don't even know but like they're fans of rogan's pockets they know who
i am and they let me
work out or like some guy keeps an eye on me and it's like make sure i'm doing
something healthy
yeah and then go in like go play golf once a day do a show and don't drink
because you can just come
home yeah that'd be great for me and i told him i was like dude do it and so
then we did one show i
got to be dead honest with you probably the funniest i've ever seen him in my
entire life he had a joke
about having mediocre dick you ever heard this he goes out he goes a lot of you
out there talk about
having big dick i got mediocre dick no one wants big dick ladies you don't want
big dick leaving your
pussy like a horse reaching for a sugar cube like he did nine of those theo
nine of those and i'm
fucking dying laughing you don't want big dick like just a nine different tag
he was so good at that
of doing those nine different tags and then i went up after him and i i was
buzzed already i was already
drunk and and i never get but it was like a cruise ship and cow heads cruise
calta's cruise i'd gotten
high with my calta yeah oh he's a sweetheart i got high with ralphie and the
things i found funny
were just secrets that i was gonna say on stage and then ralph to ralphie and
cow heads so they
could just and just be like secrets and like i was and i just first joke was
like secret time
when i got a shower i dry my asshole on the bed and ralphie lost it and he's
like he does that shit
you do that shit don't you and i was like yeah and he goes more secrets player
and so i just kept
telling secrets i was like secret time is the name of the special secret time
is the name of the special
and i got on stage and ralphie's like that's the funniest shit i've ever heard
you say
he goes just tell secrets just tell see oh you kept going tell that's so true
it's like you you
like yeah there's something you like telling secrets i love telling secrets
like when i go
like the perfect example is like when i go secret time i only had sex with six
people and then i go
fuck it's like it's women right like it's you just um and and i also feel like
if you keep like
and that's the other part is i talk shit about my family so i don't want them
seeing it
right so that's other part of the secret time but ralphie was like he all night
we went to dinner
that night at the italian restaurant on the boat and he was like he kept going
tell me more secrets
bert tell me more secrets and i just was like and when you're open up yeah and
you and you're like
i was telling them everything oh i got the clap in college they're like what
and then i just tell
them the story and they were laughing and i was like oh yeah i guess that's
kind of what i do on
stage is just tell a secret and then my kid's dumb as fuck and then i tell the
story
yeah so yeah so that but ralphie had to do with me did you enjoy that clip well
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