Name: Theo Von's #SatMornToons from This Past Weekend - Volume 2
Uploaded: 2019-10-05T14:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von's #SatMornToons from This Past Weekend - Volume 2' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-10-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von's #SatMornToons from This Past Weekend - Volume 2' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-10-05. Transcript available.

A regular summer day as a kid, you go to the gas station, where did you get
your money first of all?
My mom had a chart, if you were good, you started out with a dollar at the
beginning of the week.
And you got checks on there when you were bad, so everybody got checks and you
ended up with about 20 cents.
My little sister though, she was always sick, so she got all her money because
she couldn't do anything bad, she was ill.
So then we would get her money too, me and my brother would borrow her money
from her and break each other off 50 cents each.
So I'd roll out about 60 cents over to that 7-Eleven, I'd get myself fucking
two packs of Garber's Pale Kid cards, bro, you know what I'm saying?
Because I had to fucking stunt around my boys, remember that?
Lugie Larry, Snotty Scotty.
Oh yeah, dude.
Remember Bomb Tom and his head was fucking blowing up?
A flat pat and it was just a dude getting steamrolled.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He was curling up.
Yeah, some of them were a little dark, like Quaalude fucking Donald.
Damn.
And he'd just have a couple pills and his kids are fucking crying by the cops.
I used to get coked up with a dude that used to put a string on his wrist.
And the string would go to the doorknob.
But I used to get high with some crazy people.
Yeah.
I used to get high with his brother, who was bald.
And his brother would be talking to you, like we'd be doing coke, like yeah,
yeah.
And all of a sudden he'd go, like what?
And he'd go.
And he'd smack himself, because he kept thinking flies would win me on his head.
He would smack himself 80 fucking times a night.
Damn.
And we would laugh at every fucking time.
And after he'd smack himself, he'd go.
Oh yeah.
I had another friend, Kurt.
He used to get so paranoid that he would put little parachutes on his cocaine.
So if the cops came, he would throw it out the window.
And the little parachutes would fly.
I mean, that's the shit that was the 80s, you know?
God, the 80s was good, bro.
Fucking craziness, hell.
Everything was so much fun back then.
I feel like there was so much more mystery and intrigue, like when I was
growing up, than there is now.
Because I was at a place in New Orleans a while back, and somebody got CPR'd.
And I love that kind of shit.
You got four fucking fresh crab appetizers rolling on the table, dude.
And somebody might die fucking 11 feet away from you, dude.
You know what I'm saying, bro?
Game on, dude.
So this lady was, you know, something wasn't going well.
The husband wasn't really interested in saving her.
He's like, what's going on?
He kept asking her like six times, and she, you know, I'm not good at charades,
but I can obviously tell when somebody keeps pointing at their throat and not
being able to breathe.
I'm pointing at like shrimp.
He's like, well, what do you want?
You want me to order something else?
So then this dude, this one guy was pretty jacked up on some uppers, bro.
The kind of guy looked like he owned a dolphin once.
He's just going to do the Heimlich.
He takes his shirt off, right?
Oh my God.
Okay.
He starts going in on this lady, and the shrimp eventually shoots out.
And bro, nine minutes later, they're having dessert.
It's crazy how quickly you forget that you were just about to die.
But now I go back there, this is a year later, and he said, yeah, we can't do
CPR anymore.
So if somebody's dying, you just have to like be there for it.
You just clap?
Go, go, go.
Because what you don't know, a lot of people don't realize Noah's Ark came from
England and landed in America.
And a lot of the animals got off.
But some of the animals, they've been, you know, smoking weed and doing brotheling,
you know, doing sex down there, selling, you know, that body crotch.
And they stayed on the boat.
So Noah's Ark, so it hit the waters again, ends up in Australia.
That's when all these bootleg animals start rolling off the thing.
They got a, like a hyena and a, like a marmoset had had a baby, and that's how
the kangaroo happened.
And that bitch hopped right off and started fight, fucking fighting people
right at the dock.
Them koalas, bruh, they just, they're, they are the Snoop Dogg of the animal
kingdom, you feel me?
Them bitches always just snacking on that green.
And sometimes they'll have a video, they get so high, they just fall right out
the tree.
I mean, that's, I don't know if all that's in the Bible, but it should be.
You know, I like that movie, uh, Bridges of Madison County.
Well, it just shows that you can get love in different places, and that there's
different levels to love, and different parts of love.
Some love you get from here, and some love you get from there.
So I like that movie, Bridges of Madison County, and it's about bridges, man,
bridges, you know?
Because think about this, before bridges, what?
People had to try and jump over something.
So if you wanted to get a message to somebody across the, whatever, water,
dragon area,
you had to fucking get a buddy, feed him a bunch of steaks and everything,
train him, you know?
Tell him he was gonna make it.
And then send him out there running.
And the dragon got him.
You know what I'm saying?
So bridges are everything.
Because before that, you had to get wet, or get eaten, or get burnt.
Name, you know, name 11 other things that are better than that.
I stopped in the Fighter and the Kid the other day, you know, and I had a nice
chat in there with Brian Callens.
And he is, if you're not familiar with him, he was, I don't think he was in the
Old Testament, but he was in the New Testament.
And he was a Jedi or something?
I don't know what he did.
But he, he's seen many, many moons.
You know, Native Americans know him.
There's drawings of him on, on cave walls.
And these aren't rumors, these are real things.
If you put your ear up to a seashell that you find on a mountain, you can hear
it ask for Brian Callen.
Apparently, one time a huge wave came, and, and at the same time, a rainbow was
shooting through the sky, and the wave was like 100 feet high.
And at the same moment, an eagle flew right in, and there was like a triumvirate
of water, and, and, and, and rainbow, and, and he gallows.
And that, they say, is when Brian Callen became.
You know, they had a boy in our area, this boy named Wild Jacob.
At one time, his uncle, I remember, passed through town or something, gave him
a little hammer.
But Wild Jacob would just get off in the woods, and he'd find him a little tree
or something, or a little, you know, area of hardness, maybe a fence board or a,
um, piece of stone, and he would just hit it with that hammer.
Just, just for hours and hours.
In Chernobyl or somewhere, or Russia, or, you know, who knows, outer space.
They're thinking it was some wild, unique Morse code is coming in.
You'd come out of the school or, uh, out of your house, and he would have chiseled
a damn Deion Sanders into the side of a Honda.
Like, what the fuck, man?
But I'm just saying, Wild Jacob was out there all day with a frickin' one of
them little baby hammers, son.
Just re-arranging the world.
And, I mean, I swear to God, we thought we had a damn woodpecker in the
neighborhood for probably four years.
So it's nighttime, right?
Right.
And it's raining.
What year is it?
I have to know what year it is.
It's whenever you guys died, dude.
16, 70.
1967.
Alabama.
Not Alabama.
We're fuckin' hanging ages in Alabama.
Let's just pretend it's Alabama.
Okay.
You're in the stocks.
I think they're gonna do something tomorrow, like hang me up or something.
I don't think hang me up.
It's like a surprise party, I think.
What's your name again?
My name is Reggie.
Can I call you Master Reggie, then?
I mean, you can.
Master Reggie, um...
Yeah, just don't say it too loud.
Okay.
Can you sneak me out of here?
I can probably come back tomorrow night and help you.
Tonight, I can just give you water and also have this small bag of fresh pears.
Oh, I love pears.
Thank you.
I know you do.
But if they're gonna hang me tomorrow, then what's tomorrow night gonna...
What is that gonna do?
Yeah, that's a good point, actually.
We're gonna be a little late.
Can you say something inspirational to me to make me feel comfortable?
Even though a lot of the books and stuff just show that God just, you know,
has, like, a lot of white people in heaven that everybody's allowed in heaven.
Will I be able to go in the white sections of heaven?
You can stop by.
You know?
I haven't been part of a street fight in I don't know how long.
Last one that I could think of that I've been in was one Mardi Gras.
Down in La Faye, Louisiana, I was at my brother's house.
And it was, like, a street party.
And my wife was leaning over a fence talking to somebody.
Guys from next door came over and, like, bent over her back and put his hand on
her stomach
and, like, started talking in her ear.
And then, bro...
You just saw red, huh?
Yeah.
I ripped him off.
I had a buddy of mine who fights.
He started dropping this other guy's people left and right.
Dude, 100%.
Every shot that landed, everybody fell.
100%.
He shot 100% from the field that night.
Then I started punching this guy.
And then he had a lot more friends than we did.
And my brother is not a fighter.
So he didn't run out of the house to come fight.
But it was just, like, people were fighting everywhere.
He was a referee in that.
Yeah.
And I ended up getting my back up against a car because they were jumping.
Damn.
I was like, yeah.
And I got hit with a bunch of uppercuts.
It was crazy, man.
Mardi Gras things.
Mardi Gras.
That's one thing I do miss about Mardi Gras, man.
Everybody would drink all day and anything could happen.
You could start a family.
You could start a fire.
You could start a family.
You could start a fight.
Sometimes I take a little bit of flack for saying this.
But you got to, like, get control of your emotions, man.
You got to, like, say, okay, you know what?
This girl left me.
Or this job I lost.
Or I had this happen to me when I was a kid.
You got to say, you know what?
Okay, I'm not going to let that situation control me.
And I'm going to take control of my emotions.
And I'm going to move forward.
You got to assert yourself.
You know, your mind is stronger than those little emotions that are running
around inside your head.
You can overpower them.
You can do it.
If you don't do it, they're going to run wild.
And they don't deserve to.
They don't know what they're doing.
They're just up there making noise and going crazy and running around and
calling things out.
It's like, no, you stop.
Get control of those emotions.
You got to do it sometimes.
And a lot of people say, hey, it's not easy for everyone.
I get that it's not easy.
But, man, the alternative is, like, just let your emotions run everything and
run you into the dirt.
Don't let that happen, man.
Grab hold of them.
Yeah, grab hold of them.
Get control.
And like you said, start taking a step in the right direction.
That's where it starts.
Man, I love that, man.
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