Name: Theo Von's #SatMornToons from This Past Weekend - Volume 3
Uploaded: 2019-10-12T22:07:40.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von's #SatMornToons from This Past Weekend - Volume 3' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-10-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von's #SatMornToons from This Past Weekend - Volume 3' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-10-12. Transcript available.

you know because i think about santa a lot he's kind of just waking up
because santa can sleep through anything you know he got a million uh
little people you know personas pequeños hammering in his in his garage you
know
they're building trains they're building walkie-talkies it's that time
you know suddenly the place where they were making wagons suddenly back behind
that little
building they got a little cookhouse you know they're grilling up brisket and
uh you know uppers
met them fatiments you know and so you know that santa right now he's got work
to do nobody works
as hard as santa think about it jesus maybe you know muhammad uh who's a little
fat guy with the uh
jewelry on no i know some of you guys are thinking probably of pitbull no i'm
talking about the indian
the deity the buddha so yeah you know santa's in a class of his own but yeah
dude every you know
things are getting softer dude i was thinking about this a lot of c-section
babies they should
tell you if somebody's a c-section baby or if they went through the canal you
know if there's a real
andy dufrane you feel me they said it would take a man 600 years to get out of
this here prison
but andy dufrane did it in less than nine months because dude premature babies
they get
fucking out the gate they cut out they get a little you know they get the red
carpet somebody reaches
in there and get you i had to fucking tighten my head up into the shape of a
vagina and squeeze
myself out into the world and you got these little pre uh not premature man my
bad um you got these
little whatever they you know c-section babies cheaters yeah basically the new
england patriots of humans
running around and they should put it right on your neck cs or nb baby them
natural birthers bruh
that vag route son i remember getting on the plane and eating the edible and it
was me like martin and
gabriel and we were sitting across from three like old women and all of a
sudden the edible started
hitting me right and i'm 380. i'm huge at the time really that must have been
miserable oh i had to
be 380. this is like 10 years ago i'll never forget taking my shirt off and the
sweat was pouring down
me and these little old ladies were just looking at the floor and there i am
sweat another time i went to
delt and i took an edible but i got so hungry i had a pack of cinnamon shirts
and that's a mistake dog
cinnamon makes you sweat like a motherfucker really dog i started sweating on
the plane there was a
little gay guy next to me and he was asleep you know how gay people put those
little things on their
eyes i had to take my shirt off there i am in first class with the blanket up
to my stomach my tits
are out yeah you could feel the beads i remember getting off the plane in miami
the next morning and
my pants were fucking wet and the stewardess would just walk in the halls look
at me and give me a
water she knew how fucked up i was i've been to jail have you been to jail i
have been in jail yeah
i like blacked in when cop lights were coming down the street and i was walking
down the street in an
elf costume with my other elf friend yeah all of a sudden my friend takes off
so i just start running
and i jump a fence and i land on the other side of the fence and i just hear
freeze and they made me
come back over the fence finds my fake id and they basically just brought me to
jail for being drunk
underage damn having cellmates is alarming yeah i had two did you and they're
both covered head to
toe tattoos oh and you're if there's a uh let's play somebody's getting fucked
in here yeah i was wearing
tights it's you yeah you know i woke up in an elf costume with tights on i don't
know i don't know where
i am i just all i see is two guys with face tattoos oh yeah standing i
literally stood up and the first
thing i said was shannon's gonna be so pissed this is a time of year where you
can reimagine yourself
you know life is just still going forward but suddenly somebody walks up with a
piece of chalk and
they just draw like a line in front of you and sometimes a line is so powerful
because it can be a
starting point it can be an ending point it can connect two things i gotta how
do i get from here
to here oh i know how a line you know a line is such a simple thing and it can
be so powerful
so this is that time of year where you can set your line what do you want to
reel in do you want
anything different you just want to keep riding the same you want to walk that
tight rope and we can do it
and that's one thing that's beautiful about this time of year is it's just a
chance to kind of re
just you know you could turn the gas off for a little bit and now you can
restart
you know whatever happened happened and now i'm gonna i'm gonna put this line
right here
and when i walk over the line i'm gonna try something different i'm gonna try
to have a new experience for
myself we just got to take our brains in different directions some of that
direction is movement
movement will get you going the problem being in a urinal you stalled out they
don't have these
running urinals where you can run and piss at the same time i could do that bro
oh i go you run
running run with a spear my hand jump off a cliff piss at the same time how's
that not an olympic sport
dude we got this bitch ass stuff people jumping over hurdles who gives a fuck
dude do something
that's really an olympian could do i don't see somebody jumping over hurdles no
that's not even
an olympian anymore that's just a night that's an advertisement for a company
now i want to see that
real hitter i want to see somebody you know you know catching a violent sheep
or something and
strangling that thing you know at the same time that he's uh doing a backflip
off of a uh third story
burning building over there outside of toledo now we're talking that's the olympics
get this other
shit out of here dude these days i think santa could probably catch some
charges a big white dude
rolls down a chimney somewhere bruh and what are you doing here nice it's not
going to work super
well right now i need you to sit down please you know probably i'm surprised a
lot of extreme liberal
people they're probably going to put little caps on their chimneys i heard
somebody the other day a
parent out here in los angeles saying that they didn't want their children
celebrating christmas
that it feels errant that gifts just come out of nowhere and it creates a bad
example for their kids
man fuck that this is christmas man they said it's scary the lady said the
other day it's scary to have
them to for your children to imagine a man they don't know coming down the tree
bitch that ain't a man that's santa have we lost it this shit man merry christmas
to everybody out
there who's celebrating that's what i'm telling you yes suddenly it's like we're
doing so badly
and i love how suddenly it's happened like all of a sudden everything is
horrible and really when you
get out into the world most things are fine i'm noticing especially in america
it's a lot of the
media is just saying that things are bad when you go outside it's not that way
that people are
generally being pretty decent to each other i think part of what's happening is
that as the
traditional media dies they get desperate for attention they get all click-baity
so they exaggerate
the polarization and the catastrophe the best example of that is there's way
more coverage
of violent crime than there was 25 years ago but there's half as much violent
crime like in the
five major measures of violent crime have fallen by 50 in the last 25 years
like who knows that
no one oh it's dangerous the streets are dangerous we're all at each other's throats
it's like no we're
not it's safer now in the united states than it's ever been it's safer now than
it was in the early 60s
you'd never guess that think about it that specifically dangerous things
carefully um that's
such a place where kids learn oh that is the only place they learn that's where
everyone learns
everything when you're doing dangerous things carefully man that's where you
learn when you
see your three-year-old daughter climbing up the monkey bars our daughter used
to do that in our
backyard you know and she was three and the monkey bars were about eight feet
high she liked to go right
to the top and climb across them it's like we're watching out the back window
thinking but what do
you do we go around there be careful yeah there's a bit of malevolence in that
oh my daughter's
worrying me i'll go out there and take care of her but i'll startle her then
she'll fall well
that'll fix her she won't do that again she won't make me nervous it's like you
got to watch those
things man right it's not about them it's about you yes that's for sure that's
what you got to ask
yourself am i taking care of my child or am i just afraid to be afraid for them
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