Name: Theo Von Recaps His Trip to Maui
Uploaded: 2019-10-17T03:59:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von Recaps His Trip to Maui' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-10-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von Recaps His Trip to Maui' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-10-17. Transcript available.

Well, I'm back from Maui.
If you hear that, that's just that calm that's inside of me.
Hey, I'm back from that Maui.
Wow, you hear?
Oh, hell yeah, boy.
Somebody just, somebody, you heard it?
Somebody won that log.
Somebody got the fire all themselves.
Mahalo, aloha, konnichiwa, bahalo.
Madagascar, I'm back.
I'm that back of Lantern, baby.
Put that candle in me because I'm lit.
Let's get into it.
Yeah, I'm back.
I'm back from Maui.
Oh, I had a good time.
Look, if you don't know, if you're, you know, maybe 40% sure or something if
you're going
to heaven, because I think most people are, if they're really honest with
themselves, they
come in at probably about 40%, you know?
So if you're about 40% sure that you're going to heaven, then you could go to
Maui.
And Maui's like, I mean, it's, dude, there are times I close my eyes and I said,
dang, man,
if people, this place is going to give heaven a run for its money.
It just, I mean, it's romantic.
You could be by yourself and it feels romantic.
Dude, I felt like every time the breeze came by, it was trying to just, you
know, just trying
to get me back to its room.
It was just that kind of, just that kind of spirit.
There was just something, you know, and the water will come.
You'll be laying there taking a nap and you think you slept, you're laying far
enough from
the water.
And about, you know, maybe 18 or 30, you know, 30 or 60, 50, kind of 40 minutes
later, that
water will start licking at your fucking feet.
You say, dang, what's up, bucko?
So it's, you know, everything there is trying to, you get home, you have some
of the beach
will be in your pants, some sand.
You're like, what is it?
Who is it?
What is it?
And you're like, I hope this is, you know, some female sand.
I don't want no, you know, male sand trying to get in my pants, but you take
your pants
off and a bunch of sand will jump out of your pants.
You say, well, damn.
So just mother nature, that's where she really goes to just get on.
I mean, Maui just wants to love you.
And it really just wants to love you.
And, and, and I stay, I noticed after a bit that the, the ocean will start
doing your
hair for you.
Yeah.
Dude, I had, at one point I had like a little thing of algae right above one of
my, um, ears.
You know, you got a little conch over there on the left.
It's just like, you know, I look like kind of like a, you got like a, uh,
little,
seahorse kind of just hanging off that backsplash.
I mean, it's, I look like, you know, shunk, like, you know, like a conch quisha,
you know,
just out there with just, just the, the, the ocean and everything will do your
hair for you.
But I had a wonderful time, man.
I had so, I, if you haven't been to Maui, I totally recommend it.
And they say there's different islands and I want to go back there and do a, um,
a show soon.
And I want to go to some of the different islands over there.
Uh, and a people just, people, a lot of people, I did think this, I felt like
there could be,
even though it's very wonderful, it's definitely seems like a place where some
people that might
have done a crime would go to hide.
It's got that kind of crimey Heidi sort of, uh, you know, um, but what else?
Uh, what else is, I feel like, so I want to tell you more about Maui.
I'll probably wait till I get back into the studio, I guess.
What did I do?
I went there.
Oh, let me tell you this.
You go to mama's fish house and they got, it's in Maui and it's nice.
You get there, you're like, oh, it's too nice.
You know, it's real.
It's kind of, it looks fancy.
Dude, right when I got there, I thought to myself, I want to steal something.
I want to go.
That's how nice it was.
That's my initial reaction.
But instead, sit down, relax.
Even if you're by yourself, get you a little non-alcoholic beer.
You feel me?
Get a, um, one of the crab cakes.
I got the crab cake.
That's it.
Get one crab cake, unbutton your pants.
Welcome to Palestine, son.
Shit is fundamentally good.
It was, it was definitely one of the best meals I ever had.
And I was by myself too.
And, um, yeah, when I'm by myself at a restaurant, it's, I start to, you almost
start to freak out
a little because you start wondering if people think you're like in witness
protection or if
you're, you know, people kind of look at you like you, maybe your spouse just
passed away
or something.
They give you that, you know, they maybe give you a little extra bread or
something, half
an extra little, you know, baked, uh, you know, little, little, uh, croissant
piece or something.
Cause they think maybe your wife's gone.
She, you know, they think so, or, you know, you, they think maybe you don't
know what you're
doing with your life.
If it is interesting, if you go to a restaurant by yourself, people kind of
look at you like,
oh, maybe he, you know, you know, maybe he's still trying to do skateboarding
or something,
but, but he's too old for it.
Um, oh, one of the things that got me at the restaurant was the guy trying to
upsell me
on, uh, soup.
Look, don't, don't, I don't need it.
Don't the guy, you know, he's like, oh, they got Omegas in the soup.
Dude, I don't give a damn if Voltron lives in that bitch, dude.
I don't care if I want the soup.
I'm getting the soup, you know, he said, it's got a rare carrot base.
What the hell is that, buddy?
That's nothing, dude.
I don't care.
Brian, I don't care if you open my mouth and just drag me through Mr.
McGregor's garden.
If I want vegetables, I want vegetables.
Just don't upsell me on it.
You know, he tell me, he tell me, oh, we sprinkle the top of it with secrets.
Bitch, don't care.
If I want the soup, I'll get the soup.
You know, I just don't, I don't like being upsell with trickery words.
You know, oh, this, you know, the, the, uh, the Harry Covert was blessed by, um,
a cleft
pallet wizard.
I don't give a dang, bud.
Do not upsell me with the BS.
Just give me the facts.
What is it?
Is it soup?
And if I want it, I'll get it.
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