Name: Theo Von Reminisces About His Childhood Baseball Team
Uploaded: 2019-12-23T15:00:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von Reminisces About His Childhood Baseball Team' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-12-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von Reminisces About His Childhood Baseball Team' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-12-23. Transcript available.

I remember we had a baseball field we played on,
and I was on a really rot-gut team called the Cubs.
And a couple jerseys, they accidentally wrote clubs on it.
So about six of the guys on our team were on the Cubs, the Playville Cubs,
and we had about three or four guys on the Playville Clubs.
And we would play on a field out there on the edge of town off of Highway 190
that had a slant.
It had a gradient.
They just, I don't know if, you know, there had been like a,
they might have been having gravity issues or something, or I'm not sure.
This might have been during a sinkhole flare-up, I'm not sure.
Because that sinkholes, those things, dude, when Mother Earth has had too much
to eat
and that bitch belches, somebody's losing a fucking half a parking lot
full of Honda Civics or something, you know?
You know, she ain't afraid to digest anything.
It could be somebody hitchhiking, you know, somebody driving a Dodge Ram.
Everybody is going straight into the Earth's core.
But we played softball on a, on this field.
Not softball.
We, it was regular ball, baseball.
And man, I wasn't good at baseball, man.
I, um, I remember asking the coach one time if we could put tape on the ball,
like, um, you know,
like, uh, duct tape.
So that thing wouldn't come in, it wouldn't hit, you know, it wouldn't be as
hard when it
hit the glove.
So most of baseball was me hiding kind of whenever the good batters would get
up.
Cause I'm a daydreamer.
I don't need a bed.
I don't need a pillow.
To, you know, to really create that ambiance.
I'm that, I got that Spielberg in me.
I got that cerebral Spielberg.
You know, I got, this shit is, it's going in my head.
And so baseball and a day, you can't daydream and do baseball.
You can't, I, you cannot do it.
Cause you're out there and next thing you know, you, you, you fucking, that
ball comes zinging
at you.
You'll lose an oxy, you know, it'll, you'll pop your occipital.
Dude, it'll hit you in the eye.
One of your, one of your eyeballs roll right out your mouth.
Like you're a Halloween game show.
That shit can get tricky.
But we played on a field when I was on the Cubs clubs that was at a slant and
dude, you
would hit a grounder towards first base.
And by the time it got to like the outfield, it was, Oh, it was, it was along
the third baseline.
It was just every ball.
So the best player was out there on third base or in the left field.
And I didn't, I wasn't good at it, man.
Cause I would forget we were playing.
I forget I was playing.
Dude, I'd be, I'd be out there way out in right field, picking stuff and eating
it or trying
stuff.
I mean, I wouldn't eat, I would not eat everything that I picked.
That wasn't, I wasn't that boy.
You know, you always had that one creepy boy, just anything you find, he just
slid it into
his mouth.
I mean, it could be anything.
It's dude, he put a damn snake in his mouth.
You know, some of these guys, they'll babysit a damn, you finally get their
jaws open and
they're in there, you know, they're having, you know, a couple of little
oysters are in
there doing conjugal visits and stuff.
Some people will put anything under their tongue.
Oh, but that field, man, it was so hard.
Cause if a ball went into the outfield and you got it, you had to run, dude,
you had to
run uphill.
Well, it was very, I mean, it was like a damn decathlon just trying to get the
ball
in.
And sometimes you would throw it and it would come right back down the hill at
you.
You're like, gee, well, and then at the far left field, it went sloped that way.
It sloped out.
Dude, one guy hit it.
This one fellow, Mikey Donowar, and he was, my God, this guy, he was, um, he
was, um,
I mean, he must've came out of the womb with a, uh, you know, he must've came
out of the
a damn with capability.
And capability is when you just, when you're not, you know, when you just, when
you can
do something.
Have you ever done anything?
Well, that's capability right there.
And this boy just had all the athletic capability and he would hit that ball
and we went to get
it and went over the deep off the edge, deep field.
And dude, it took you, sometimes I remember getting a ball and coming up the
hill off the
deep end.
And by the time I got up there, the game had been over for about 40 minutes.
Everybody's just knuckle deep eating snow cones.
And some of the parents are over there, you know, you know, complaining about
their spouses
or whatever, some of this one lady would cry every time we won like, bitch, you're
not
even, you don't even have a kid on the team.
Okay.
You just out here lurking.
This lady would creep us out, dude.
She'd be crying.
Somebody would hit a damn double and she would start crying like jeepers.
And she had a Don Mattingly tattoo on her fucking, on her ribs, but she was
beautiful though.
I will say that she had a certain beauty about her.
You know, there's something, there's something very American about it.
When somebody hits a damn double and a lady starts crying just a few feet away,
there's
something, hell, I don't even know.
It's almost like, it's like that movie, it's the way I feel when I'm, when I
watch that movie
Cinderella Man.
My heaven.
That thing will fucking get me, bro.
Cinderella Man.
What's going on?
Good to see you.
Happy November 18.
And it is the year 2019 2019 and we are living it.
We are living through time.
I was thinking about that this weekend, how time is just such a, it won't, you
can't stop
it.
I mean, you just, it's on, it's just the, it's kind of like the, it's the LeBron
James
of, of mediums.
This bitch is going.
And sometimes I realize I'm like, hey, time, time, time.
You know, I'm over here, you know, hold it up, but time ain't fucking with you,
boy.
Time ain't fucking with you.
You little assholes out here on that lopsided field, get your shit together.
I can't believe our town would do all of that.
Just really.
And they had regular fields.
I think they had a couple parents out there like seeing the children struggle
and seeing,
you'd have some kids, dude, they play baseball so much, they'd have a damn,
they would grow
into genetically even, one of their legs almost had a little bit more reach on
it.
They'd be a little bit more right-legged.
Or you'd see some of the coaches out there would measure that right leg on you
during practices
and stuff, because see who would be able to get the best angles based on the
field.
And that was, it's weird when carpentry kind of comes into a baseball.
You know, when somebody, when you got a damn subcontractor out there playing on
the, you
know, as a third base coach, it just gets a little kind of obtuse.
Well, thanks for watching that video right there.
That was a beautiful little segment, I think.
But of course, I'm partisan to myself.
But you can move on to another video right now.
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