Name: Theo Von Remembers Working at Frozen Options
Uploaded: 2020-01-30T21:00:09.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von Remembers Working at Frozen Options' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-01-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von Remembers Working at Frozen Options' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-01-30. Transcript available.

Dude, I'll tell you this, they had, when I was working in Charleston, South
Carolina,
they had a smoothie outfit over there I worked at, and it was a bootleg kind of
health and
wellness shop, and it was called Frozen Options was the name.
It was like a startup smoothie deal, Frozen Options, and self-tanning
eventually, but that
came later, and they had a manager, the guy, it was just some guy who was
basically trying
to hire people and then trying to hook up with the lady, trying to hire cute
chicks or
even busted chicks and get them to do a lot of tanning until they looked
attractive and
then make love to them.
I think that was kind of some of his business model because he was kind of sad
on the inside
a little, but anyway, yeah, I worked at Frozen Options, right, and I don't know
why I thought
of this, but so at one point, we got the tanning beds, and they had a man that
came in one time,
I'm an urban gentleman, bro, you know, kind of, you know, a darker man, and he
wanted to do
the tanning bed, and so I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I, you know,
you don't
want to tell anybody no that they shouldn't do the tanning bed, but this guy,
you know,
he's already, God kind of put him in the tanning bed a little already, so the
Lord's got his,
you know, he's got that base, and because I never seen a black guy get into a
tanning
bed before, so dude, he would come, he would come, and about the third or
fourth time he
came, I realized something might have been wrong with him a little bit, but I
don't know
if something was, something also might not have been wrong with him, he could
have not
been wrong, you know, or nothing, but anyway, dude, so the crazy, so the wild
part is I used
to get high back then, that's when I was smoking a lot of weed and making
exotic shakes
for people, somebody'd roll in, I'd hit him with that fucking peanut butter and
menthol
fucking, that medium, bro, there you go, they're like, it's not cold, I'm like,
who gives a
damn, they said it's called frozen options, I said, well, this is one of the
options, baby,
okay, one of the options is not cold, right, and you got that, you know, I
fucking hit somebody
with that pineapple walnut little baby shake, you know, I'm the kind of dude, I'll
fucking
just squeeze four cherries, just, just strangle four cherries in the palm of my
hand and then
just drip the, just open my hand up and then just drip it right into your mouth,
you know,
I'll put two blueberries under your tongue, bro, and hide a fucking pecan in
your ass, bro,
and slap your cousin, dog, and that's a, right there, that's 475, you know, I'm
the kind
of guy, I'm serving up different options, so anyway, dude, this story's a
little bit
vulgar, but, you know, talking about urinating and having to, you know, handle
body, and handle
body, you know, things that come out of your body in places, but anyway, so one
time the
man went in there and he had something that happened to him, and I heard him
laughing in
there for a little bit or yelling or something, I'm not sure, and dude, I'm not
the kind of, look,
if somebody's in a tanning bed and they're doing, going through some shit, I'm
not the, I'm not
opening that bitch up, okay, it's a nine, they're in there for nine minutes or
11 minutes, I think
this dude, and he was getting blacker, he was getting more, you know, I mean,
he was definitely,
I don't know if he was trying to get better at sports, I don't know why, I
still have no idea
why this man was trying to get darkened out, but he was fucking, you know, he
was really,
he started out about like a, like a, like a Mahomes, and he finished up like
around a little
bit of like a, kind of a, kind of a, kind of a, kind of more of a crisp Denzel,
so that's
really the range he was in, you know, or, um, but anyway, so anyway, he had a,
a bowel, bowel
accident, or a BM, my grandmother used to call it, you know, when you basically,
you have a boot,
you know, you, you do throwing a little booty work out of your, you know, it's,
this is, sorry,
this is vulgar to talk about, but the man had a poop or something in the, what
is that thing
called space shuttle, no, it's a, uh, like a hot, like a little toaster, fuck,
I was just talking
about it, um, tanning bed, the man had a little accident there, well, dude, I,
you know, I'm working
in the shake shop, bro, and this was a startup, so, you know, maybe you got two
employees, so the other
employee was this chick, dude, and she was, bro, this chick was addicted to tanning,
but anyway, uh, so
anyway, I had to go, I had to clean the thing, I had to clean the, um, I had to
clean the, the
self, the tanning bed of the, you know, feces, bro, feces, or whatever, excrement,
but dude, I
don't know, anyway, so I don't know if I cleaned it that good, or what happened,
but anyway, over
about the next probably three months, dude, probably about, probably about nine
people got pink eye
from the tanning bed at Frozen Options, and self-tanning, and, um, and damn,
dude, I, and then
I would start seeing people around town with pink eye, and I would just feel
bad, bro, and I knew, I,
dude, I cleaned that thing so hard, but I think I just, you know, you can only,
it's the, it's the
dark arts, man, you know, you can only clean, if somebody's in a, in a bunker,
in a fucking,
in that body bunker, just getting that tan on, and you, and they blow up, you
know, they throw
some body work out into the deal, out of the bottom, you can't always, no
matter what you
clean it with, I mean, you know, the Lord himself could hand you a mop, and you're
not gonna get
it all up, but, uh, and then, dude, the place went under, and we sold the, they
sold the tanning
bed, so, I can't even imagine how many people got, got that itchy eye, bro, you
feel me, but, hey,
things happen, man, things happen sometimes, so, if you've ever had pink eye in
Charleston,
I'm just saying, man, that's one of the options, dude, that's one of the
options, bro,
because I worked in the smoothie place, dude, I remember one time this lady
came in, this lady
was a damn Muppet, and she looked at the sign, and all the different fruits,
and different options,
and she came up, and she goes, what's blueberries, and I fucking lost my mind,
because this lady was probably about 40 years old, what's blueberries, and she
just had never
heard of them, so, but then on the same foot, man, on the other side of the bunion,
or whatever
they say, I got to also serve that lady the first serving of blueberries she
ever had, you
know, because that's what I do, I'm the kind of guy, bro, you know what I'm
saying, I put
fucking five blueberries into an oyster, close that bitch up, put it in your
mouth, and fucking
braid your hair, bro, and that's fucking $9, dog, that's a medium, that's a
medium, that's how I do
it, dude, you know what I'm saying, I'll take a hit off of a hot jaunt, blow it
in your, blow it
straight up your cousin's freaking pie hole, bro, you know, that, that, that,
just, just shotgun it
right into his mouth, you know, put a necktie on his ass, take him to a fucking,
take him to a, you know,
take him to a, um, down by the train tracks, and fucking tickle his ass until
the number six comes,
bro, and that's $7, dog, that's a large, so that's the kind of, that's, that's
who you get, that's what
you get from me, when you get the different options, and that's a fucking
medium, bro, oh,
you come in, you don't have any shoes on, over at Frozen Options, dude, oh,
well, how about this,
bro, I'll throw, uh, I'll throw a fucking half a gram of oat milk, couple, two
Winstons in there,
dude, two Winston Longs in there, 112s, you know, I'll throw in, uh, uh, two scoops
of strawberry,
you know, a little bit of creme de coco, bro, that coconut crema, and I'll
fucking whip that bitch up
and pour it right into your damn brassiere, and chill them tits off, you feel
me, and that's a large
right there, so I'm just telling you at Frozen Options, we got different things,
you want pink eye
from the tan in bed, we got it, so shout out to anybody in Charleston, South
Carolina, who has ever
gotten, uh, pink eye to go with that base, bro, if you got that, that healthy
base tan, you may also,
if you got that itch, bro, you got a little bit of downtime in your uptown, you
feel me,
and I tried my best to clean that bed, man, but we were understaffed over there,
my god, we were understaffed, and it just, we were better than that, damn, I
cleaned that fucking
tan in bed, bro, I cleaned it, I can't even tell you how many times, because
people come in, bro,
and they go tan in it, one girl's like, I'm gonna stay in there for about 19
minutes, I was like,
damn,
she definitely gonna get pink eye, she's gonna get pink eye in her dang buttocks,
dude, because that is,
that's too long in there, if you in there baking, and they still got them body
remnants from your boy,
dark tanion, bro, you know, the fifth, uh,
fencer, the fifth, um, what is that movie called, the fifth musketeer,
fuck yeah, I know, dude, hell, you could probably get a job right now at frozen
options, baby,
you feel me, come on in, baby, come on in, we got roller skates,
we got tanning, what's blueberries, we got them,
frozen options, oh, you have, oh, what do you want, that cowboy special, huh,
I'll take two hits of, uh, I'll take two dips of, um, of long cut, throw that
in the blender,
I'll take a, uh, I'll, I'll take a, half of a Pabst Blue Ribbon,
throw two thing of, um, nutmeg in there,
and then drop a fucking copy of Reader's Digest in that bitch,
mix it up,
that's a medium for you, boy,
thank you guys for checking out this clip,
and if you want to see another clip,
then you can look at this clip, or
this clip, either one of these,
so, did you pick one, or are you still just watching me do this,
because this is alarming?