Name: How Chris D'Elia Dies
Uploaded: 2020-02-12T21:00:07.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'How Chris D'Elia Dies' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-02-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'How Chris D'Elia Dies' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-02-12. Transcript available.

how do you die man how do you die you know because no because i like you know
when i listen to your
acting stuff and i see you like have these you know like you get these visions
and like you know
um and you talk about how like you know it's the it's life is a movie and there's
this thing and
you know and you how do you die man because it has to be something neat yeah
you can't die in a
fucking bitch ass way like in a in like in a hospital can you i don't want to i
think that
like there's cookies and shit on the table or something and there's fucking
yeah somebody's
supposed to be there with you and then you got a call or in the fucking hallway
and you die um
i think that uh i you either this is how you go you either you you're in your
bed at home
you just have a malfunction and pass away if you can't get that there's no oh
he's got
he's got cancer you gotta take him to hospital for fucking two two months and
he dies there i'm not
doing that shit no bro don't do that no uh oh shit he's on his last leg i don't
ever want anybody
saying that shit about me right why because you don't want that news to get out
or you know i just
no i don't want that's boring regular shit yeah i want to i think honestly a
cool way to go
because you got to do something i know but who knows if i'll be big then you
know what i mean who
knows if i'll have my if i have my i think it'd be cool to like if somebody
like if somebody poisoned
me yeah like that i like really like if i broke their heart and then they
poisoned me like some real
like korean shit yeah you know what i'm saying or like no japanese i guess it
would be japanese i don't
mean to be racist but no it could be either one there's a lot of korean no korean
is a lot a lot
of a lot of revenge yeah yeah like most in fact has there ever been a movie in
made by koreans or
japanese that wasn't about revenge no but um a lot of poison meat too in all
their films there's a lot
of food poison so so yeah so like if i broke a woman's heart and i probably you
already did the
thing that oh whatever you've already you've already done the thing that's
buried you milling
in the distance you've done it you've done it you've done the thing that ruins
you you're done
if i ran for president it's already over yeah no way yeah me too just because a
couple of texts i've
probably sent 100 now i could see this maybe you're at a diner right you're in
the mountains right
your truck breaks down right and you thought you had you like and you have a
dog in the back of your
truck you're not even fucking sure if it's your dog but it fits the vision
right so you walk up you
walk up to this diner right you get in you call you know maybe michael enochie
or somebody or maybe
even um you know chris pine or somebody yeah maybe i know him yeah and you call
them and they're like
yeah we'll come help you yeah and you but in the meantime you're gonna wait you
can have a sandwich
right and they don't have anything on the menu that you like you know fuck yeah
go figure right but
the the lady says that they can make you something special she says we have a
special of the day
and it happens to be like your favorite food you're like oh that's wild so you
get it you're
sitting there eating right you take two bites and then you realize that you're
poisoning you look
in the distance and the waitress or the manager is a is an old flame somebody
you did wrong yep
yeah that's a way to go and i'll tell you what too would you risk and you'd
risk i would 100%
respect that i'd be scared as shit i would cry probably but but i would but to
have that gentle
conversation where they sit down and they let you know what happened and they're
like listen i i poisoned
you uh this is it there's nothing you can do about it you broke my heart you
know and and i loved you
and you really hurt me in in you know 2008 or whatever it was yeah and you've
lived your whole
life you're 77 and i never got remarried you know i never was married i never
had another guy i always
you're always the person on my mind and i have to kill you before i die and
that's what i did wow and
i'm sorry but i had to do that for me dude tears running down my face man and i
eat the rest of that
fucking shit before i die too give me it all give me it all i'm gonna you have
this special shit give
it to me i'll ingest it and i'll die dude i feel like crying right now man yeah
and uh that's how i'm
gonna go that's how i want to go dude and no bullshit that's how i want to go
and i take those last
few bites and i feel the poison swell my throat up and i look over at that my
dog not my dog whatever
the fuck that dog is sitting in that truck and i'm waiting for fucking you know
either my opener or
chris pine to get there and they they die before that i die before that bro but
i'm looking at that
dog and i'm wondering is that dog mine or is that dog not mine and that's the
last fucking thought i
have and i'm holding the girl's hand i'm holding her hand and she gets it and
she's like i'm so sorry
honey yeah man that's the dude that's a real way that's the real way bro
because that would mean
something at the last moment you'd be having at least an effect even if that
effect is that
you are letting them have that even if it's yeah it would be something real
yeah yeah it's like you're
like this neil armstrong for like real shit sometimes man that's just emotional
yeah i i uh i yeah i would
go that way i would like to go that way actually or would you go into battle i
could see maybe going
well that's another way with a sword but not with a gun no no no no no no but i
don't want to get
like all cut up yeah soft battle maybe like slap battle he died he died getting
slapped a lot that's
west hollywood yeah thank you guys for checking out this clip and if you want
to see another clip
then you can look at this clip or this clip either one of these so did you pick
one or you still just
watching me do this because this is alarming