Name: Theo Von on Anxiety
Uploaded: 2020-02-15T17:30:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von on Anxiety' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-02-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von on Anxiety' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-02-15. Transcript available.

yeah I grew up with a lot I just had so much anxiety man everything man I you
know I don't
talk about anxiety that much and I think because some of my anxiety has gone
away from once I got
an AA program or I started finding recovery for myself or seeking out forms to
make myself feel
better uh but dude I had I had anxiousness as a child I had anxiety and I think
part of the reason
I had so much anxiety as a child was because I was uh I was breastfed on a cups
my mother had them baby
a's you know when it came when it came time for you know on them tea ties my
mom had them a coops you
know them baby a cups and for a baby when you're trying to breastfeed when you
were when you're a
baby and you're breastfeeding I don't know if there's anything more anxious
looking than a baby
trying to breastfeed off a a cup because you're trying to get all that leche
you know you're trying
to hit that you know just straight up catch that that DNA you know that DNA uh
you know you're trying
to catch that just jowl up with that milky milky offset and you can't get
enough you can't get it
you're trying to rattle that milk out of a little a cup come on and that's the
and that's just a you
know with as a baby you're just trying to rattle that a cup but there ain't I
don't care how much
you rattle there ain't enough there ain't there ain't much you know there ain't
much sauce in that
in that dish if your mom got them small breasts and look I love my mother you
know and I'm not
discrediting her I'm not saying there's anything wrong with my mother at all I
respect my mother's
body it was beautiful body you know my mother's always taking care of her body
and I've always thought
that my mother had it was a beautiful woman but damn boy when you're a child
and you got a rattle
you trying to rattle some milk out of an a cup you know that's like trying to
beat a couple sips of
you know a punch out of a out of an empty uh capri sun sack come on can you do
it and that rattle what
I'm saying is that rattle as a baby that rattle never leaves your body that
shaking shaking shaking
rattling just you know beating your hands against a small a cup breast trying
to get a sip of you know
that body guava that never leaves you and so I no joke I have a theory that a
lot of my anxiety
and a lot of anxiety out there comes from children who were raised and breastfed
off them small a cup
breast because you never forget that just that constant just but nothing very
little in there
maybe you catch a drop you know when your mom leans over to look at something
maybe you catch a you
know a quarter gram in the back of your throat but very little in the makeups
very very little
and that rattle that desperation never really leaves you the uncomfort because
as a baby you're really
putting yourself out there when you think about it when you're sucking on a
breast or a you know a teddy
you know some people call them teddies especially like if you're in Scotland
they're like oh look at
look at the teddies on the you know if you if you are you know you know if you're
gumming up on a breast
or a teat or a teddy then you you're putting yourself out there you know as a
baby you know as
a baby you're putting yourself out there man because you know other babies
might be around they might be
relaxing maybe the dog is in the room maybe your dad's in the room or a sibling
and you're gonna just
try you're gonna I mean you're not it's not like you're waiting by a microwave
you're sucking on that
heater when you're breastfeeding as a baby
you know I'm saying you just putting your face and just taking all the chances
and that's exposing yourself
that's putting yourself out there
just giving just sucking to stay alive
and the fact that nothing might come out
and that's embarrassing then people got to look around and see your cheeks ain't
filling up
and I think I went through a lot of that
you know and my brother had also gotten to my mother's breast before me he was
older than me
and he was born before me and he breastfed before me
and I even remember one time when I even and I vaguely vaguely remember this
and some of this memory is more in my bones than it is in my brain
but I vaguely remember
there being
my brother elbowing me off that breast
you know and just getting you know
just giving me that sharp
you know
just that arm edge
that elbow
you know
just giving me that fucking right
that natural right angle of the arm
that elbow
and just
you know
nudging me off that
ta-tat
nudging me right off mama's ta-tat
and taking that
you know
maybe catching a couple
you know
whatever last grams of milk was in there
and leaving me off that leche
and that's
it's just tough
and so I think a lot of my anxiety
started then
a lot of my anxiety started then
and some people you know
you may
you know
and it makes sense
it just makes such sense
the struggle
because here's the other thing
the other babies
was these fatty fatty babies
and they over there
with their long eyelashes
because they got a lot of milk in them
and the milk is making you know
parts of their body grow
and they got strong bones
and they got fucking
you know
they might have an ankle
weighs
you know
each one of their ankles now
weighs a couple ounces probably
because they're boning up
their body's marrowing up
because they're converting that milk
and they looking all fat
and unconscious
one baby had passed out
and a lot of milk
had drooled out of his mouth
and pooled up around his eye
he had that naughty white eye patch
you know
that fat baby fucking eye patch
when that
that milk
you know
they're sleeping at such an angle
where the milk
rolls out of their mouth
and just pools up in their eye
around their eye
on top of their closed eyelid
and they got that fucking
leche eye patch
you know
and you're like
damn
that fat fucker
he have so much milk
over by him
he fucking
he doing tricks with it
he's doing stunts
this motherfucker over here
David Blaine
and under his fucking milk
sleeping under half an ounce
and I'm out here
just
just fighting for every damn
drippity
drap drap
I'm just saying
that is the struggle
when your mother
got a small breast
and you're trying to get
that natural
that natural body sauce
out of it
you're trying to get that
you know
that
that nurture
that
you're trying to get
fed
and that anxiety
never leaves you
oh sorry
I went off on that
but that shit
bends me up a little bit
because I think about anxiety
I think about how anxiety
gets baked in you
as a child
here's another thing
I think if you was
a lot of children
you get anxiety
because you were
conceived in a doggy style
position
and a lot of people
think that's crazy
and sorry
I'm having a little bit
I got me a sack of cherries
and they're good
I think these are from
Washington State
or actually Montana
dude
everybody say
different people
have cherries and stuff
go to Montana
and get you a
sack of them
fucking hitters boy
mother nature's
G spots
right here boy
these Bing cherries
come out
my daddy used to eat
these at night
and let me hold
the pits in my hand
if I was well behaved
but anyhow
what was I talking about
oh
I think babies
that were conceived
in the doggy style
position
come out with
severe anxiety
because that's pressure
imagine
you have
of course
if you're conceived
in doggy style
you feel like
you got to put on
a show for the world
and that's baked
into you
whereas if you just
that you know
if you just that
casual
just loitering
just missionary baby
and you come out
all just loitering
into the world
just that
misonario
then yeah
you're gonna have
a casual lifestyle
but if you that
that naughty daughter
that pops out of
a doggy style
conception
come out
you're gonna be
a tricky bitch
out in the world
because you're gonna
be nervous
because you already
feel like you have
to put on a show
before you've even
opened your eyes
or your soul
to the world
so it's crazy
how many things
can happen
how many things
can be baked
into us
that we don't
even realize
you know
how many things
can be
that are just
beyond us
you know
and I say
I guess some
of this stuff
I've had a wild
week man
thank you guys
for checking
out this clip
and if you
want to see
another clip
then you can
look at this
clip
or
this clip
either one
of these
so did you
pick one
or are you still
just watching
me do this
because
this is alarming
Thank you.