Name: Theo Von & Ari Shaffir Talk Slavery
Uploaded: 2020-02-20T16:00:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von & Ari Shaffir Talk Slavery' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-02-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von & Ari Shaffir Talk Slavery' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-02-20. Transcript available.

People say it's like it's brave to do jokes or non-jokes about fucking whatever.
I'm not going to say anybody's name, but like, you know, when they're just like
forego comedy for a while
to go on and fucking be serious about something.
It's like sober.
That ain't brave.
Yeah.
That's not brave.
You're not taking any chances.
You want to be brave.
Do today in 2019, do a nine-minute pro-slavery bit.
Yeah.
And get the crowd to laugh.
That's brave.
Try that and see how it ends your career.
That's bravery.
You're risking something.
Well, yeah.
I asked the guy one night in the front row.
They had a black gentleman up there, you know?
And I was, you know, I wasn't, I was nervous, but I wasn't wild, you know?
And I said, hey, man, would you own a slave?
You think, honestly, you're chilling at home, right?
Did you just ask such a black guy?
Yeah.
I said, look, bro, be honest.
Be honest.
You're chilling at home.
Yeah.
There's a bunch of dishes to do.
Your wife's out of town.
You maybe don't know how to do dishes or you don't like doing them.
You're watching the game.
It's Sunday.
There's three games in a row.
You're watching the game.
And the game is just two people just kicking a ball back and forth outside,
right?
Because it's the 1800s, right?
Oh, right, right, right.
Somebody got a bag of marbles.
But still, you're watching the game.
And some guy goes door to door like, hey, got these cool slaves.
And the slaves are cool.
They're smiling.
You wouldn't, you would not get somebody.
We haven't put color on it yet.
Yeah.
Just said people.
Yeah.
We got these slaves, probably Asian, Korean, little, some beautiful Korean.
Yeah.
Take up less space.
As Slavs, you know?
Yeah.
Would you get one?
I think I would.
I get it.
I'd treat it well.
But then, no, I know who I am.
I would treat it well for a while.
But then, once they fucking act up, you got to lay the law down.
Wow.
Damn.
It's like, you guys, you bring it on yourselves.
You think I want to treat you like this?
You bring it on yourself.
I want to be a good master.
Yeah.
I am a man of constant sorrow.
I feel like you would have been good in that movie, man.
Yeah.
But, yeah, here's the thing.
There's something about, like, you would get, if the guy didn't know anything,
you would
get a couple.
A badge.
If everybody was getting slaves at the time, of course, you would get slaves.
You wouldn't be the one who would be like, I'd be, you know, more woke than
everybody
based on, fuck off.
Do you think you would be a good slave?
Be honest, dude.
Well, let me think.
Okay.
I'm not, physically, I'm not the best.
I could do a lot of, like, mental work for you.
Okay.
You know, like the way he did in Sean Shank, where he was like, hey, you do
accounting?
You're going to work in the office now.
You're going to do the books now.
Yeah.
I wouldn't run.
I would accept that I have no power.
I'd be pretty fast at that.
I'd see somebody get whipped and stuff.
I'm like, oh, I get it.
No, that'll happen to me too, right?
Yeah.
No, I'm, yeah, I get it.
I'm smart enough to know that there's no way out.
I might be looking for an escape plan, but I'm waiting for a while, let a few
people escape
and then see how that plays.
I'm not trying to be the front lines of escape.
Yeah.
You're not trying to be the fucking first guy out there.
Yeah.
I think I could easily do it.
I always say, ma'am, to people who are helping me, you know, not even older
women, just like
people at the airport.
They're like, do you have your tickets?
Like, here you go, ma'am.
Here you go, ma'am.
Yeah, sir, you know, I could be respectful.
Yes, sir.
I get it.
You were in the household.
Yeah, this is it.
My mom taught me well.
My dad taught me well.
Yeah.
I'm hoping to get a piece of cake at Christmas.
I'm fucking-
All the better.
Yeah.
I know you didn't have to do that, sir.
Yeah.
I really appreciate that.
Thank you.
It was delicious.
That would be crazy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I shared a piece of cake with my boy.
That's crazy, man.
Can you-
It's just wild that things happen.
But it's also, it's like, something just go over time.
Can I just ask one favor?
It's my wife and I's anniversary next Thursday.
Could you just like, just for one day, not rape her?
Yeah.
Just that one day.
It'd be really cool.
Give it a fresh morning with the lady.
Yeah, yeah.
Just let me have a shot at her.
Let us sleep in a little.
Yeah.
I'm not saying don't rape her at all.
Just that one day?
Yeah.
Let us sleep till 6.15 a.m. if you don't mind.
But again, if it's an issue, obviously, it's your call.
But I would love that.
Dude, how crazy.
That must have been-
That must have been crazy.
No, you cannot imagine.
I can't even imagine that, dude.
I would hate that kind of shit.
I don't like getting up early that much.
That would suck.
That part would suck.
Yeah, I'd like to sleep in.
I'd be like, how about I'm like a, you know, until 4 a.m. slave?
You know, I'd wake up at 11.
Oh, that night shift guy?
Yeah, I like the night, you know?
There's less distraction.
Oh, yeah.
You get more shit done.
You don't bump into other slaves.
Yeah, you're right there on the porch ready to rock.
Yeah.
Like, oh, yeah, he's with you.
Yeah, they wake up in the morning like, who bailed all this hay?
Yeah.
I did, Your Honor.
Yeah.
Yeah, I just hit him with a Your Honor.
Make him feel even better.
Wow, you know what's crazy is my sister can't even read.
But what does it have to do with us right now?
Hope you enjoyed that video.
And you can watch another.
And you can watch this one.
You can watch this one.
Different options, different choices.
Some guy just brings you one option.
Not this guy.
Two options.
Watch one.
This one or this one.