Name: Theo Von: Ranch Dressing Funeral
Uploaded: 2020-02-24T17:00:21.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von: Ranch Dressing Funeral' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-02-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von: Ranch Dressing Funeral' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-02-24. Transcript available.

What else? Ranch dressing is finally available in kegs. Good.
And I'm sure that'll help with, I'm sure that'll help run up the bill of
insurance costs.
That's got to be healthy for somebody.
Give your freaking little nephew a thermos of ranch dressing.
Kids in fourth grade sitting there sucking down a couple of, you know, pints of
Thousand Island during recess.
Unbelievable.
Just in time for the holiday season, Hidden Valley unveiled their brand new
ranch dressing keg.
They say it comes with a one year supply of ranch in each keg.
Hidden Valley, that's what they call your healthy aortas.
Hidden Valley, you can't even see them anymore.
Because you've had so much damn ranch.
But you know what?
I say that's a good way to go to heaven if you're going to die.
I've always been ashamed that the only ways that we have to get to heaven are,
are after if you go, if you, you know, or to deal with the body are embalming
or burning.
I think is the second one.
You're going to burn me, guy.
Oh, that's brave.
You know, you seem like a smart guy.
You're burning up people that are dead.
What an asshole.
Why don't you go make a sword and burn down your neighborhood?
You freaking sword maker.
Because here's the thing.
How about this?
Fill me with fucking ranch, baby.
Huh?
Embalm this little bobcat with that R-A-N-C-H, boo-boo.
You're telling me that formaldehyde and that being, what's it called, when you're
burnt to a crisp, you know, whatever it is, decapitated or something, are the
only things that can happen to you after you die?
No.
Way more options.
I want to fill daddy's body with ranch.
I want to be embalmed with ranch.
Take my eyeballs out.
Leave my mouth open.
Put me in the funeral casket.
All my orifices open.
Bunch of little things.
Chips.
Ooh, broccoli.
Get them.
Pop, pop.
Get them in my faces.
You know, hit them orifices.
Hit that mouth.
Eye, eye.
Get that triple dip.
Make me a little bit of a snack hole.
That way people are actually enjoying their time at my funeral, at my showing.
You know?
What about bacon wrap?
How about you put a huge slab of that frickin' thick, thin ham around daddy's
neck?
Damn, boy, have all the dogs barking outside of that funeral house.
Boy, you'll have birds at the windows ready to get in there and just take a
little bit of a nip-nip
off daddy's frickin' head vase, off that neck, off that ham.
But there's way other things you could do.
Black and dipped.
Baby backed.
What if you went to somebody's funeral and their ribs had all been cooked and
ready to eat?
And if you wouldn't have a human rib, you're a lying.
You're a liar.
And I tell that, you know, I'm not saying that to make fun of anybody, but if
you wouldn't
eat a human rib that had been perfected, cooked, maybe over there at Arthur's
Barbecue
or whatever, in Kansas City or in Wichita, wherever that place is, you wouldn't
get that
hitter?
You can lie to yourself.
Just don't lie to me.
Because I'm not listening to it anymore.
Wow, you know what's crazy is my sister can't even read.
But what does it have to do with us right now?
Hope you enjoyed that video.
And you can watch another.
And you can watch this one.
You can watch this one.
Different options, different choices.
Some guy just brings you one option.
Not this guy.
Two options.
watch one
this one or this one