Name: How Bert Kreischer Met His Wife
Uploaded: 2020-03-01T17:00:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'How Bert Kreischer Met His Wife' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-03-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'How Bert Kreischer Met His Wife' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-03-01. Transcript available.

what made you want to be in your wife were you guys just total just fucking out
of the gate or
like what was the whole deal there yeah no my wife my wife was your wife's a
beautiful lady
too man i've spent time around she's very sweet she's great she's great i
started she didn't get
a real short haircut did she no okay good and that's something that doesn't
because a lot of
couples start to look the same as they get older and if they're still fucking
then i you gotta
gosh that to me is very something else is going on no it's like they're just
trying to make one
person as hard as they can i had sex with a girl i dated this girl in college
who cut her all her
hair got a pixie haircut and we're having sex and as we're fucking i'm drunk
right as we're fucking i
went it was like fucking a dude and then i was like whoa whoa whoa yeah like
immediately i was like
whoa what the fuck um i met leanne and we dated for a little bit i didn't want
to put a label on it
and then she dumped me and then when she dumped me i fought to get her back i
made her a mixtape
i did everything what else did you do everything oh dude what do you mean
honestly i was cried i was
crying in a car driving down the break that's my first thing i do yeah they're
like did you buy me
flowers no i'm fucking crying okay i made salt water with my eyes okay i went
to an aa meeting i did
everything i did everything i went to an aa meeting dude i go to this aa
meeting and they're like uh
and i'm with this guy i guess i shouldn't say his name but uh he's like he's
like you should stand up
and talk and i was like i was just lost man i wanted this chick back wow what
did you say this
is great because i go to a meeting so what did you say he so they go um i love
that so he's like all
right i go well i don't know if i feel comfortable talking i haven't really
made any decisions about
what i'm doing with my life i'm just trying to like get this chick back and see
if i have a problem
because the reason we broke up is i gotten drunk at a dinner party and i just
argued with her
friend and i wouldn't let her go and so i could see that and so uh he goes yeah
just talk i'm like
okay i'm gonna talk and part of me is a comic i'm like yeah i'm gonna get up
inside i'm in a little
little stage time isn't bad guy in front of me goes little stage i love it
though i go to get i go to
stand up right and then the guy in front of me stands up he goes do you mind if
i go and i was
like oh sorry yeah go ahead he stands up and he goes hi my name's dave or
whatever yeah i'm an
alcoholic and everyone's like hi dave he's like it's been a rough day oh this
morning my landlord
came over and i sucked his dick and then i lit his car on fire oh my god and i
was like i can't follow
that yeah i was like i can't let somebody else go i can't go right after that i'm
gonna fucking eat a
bullet up here for the next guy you're like this is the chris d'alee of aa
meetings so i didn't say
anything i didn't get up and i left and i was like i was like i don't know if
that's for me
and then and then like the next day i i went on a jog down outpost i came
running down outpost
onto franklin i live right over by hollywood and highland and i and i was i was
like i don't know
what's wrong you were out here when you met your lady oh yeah yeah yeah and i
was like i don't know
what's wrong with me i feel like i i don't i was like i really don't feel like
i have a drinking
problem i really don't feel like by going need to stay sober for a while get my
head straight if i'm
gonna be single i need to figure out what i'm doing with my life and i had this
a moment that i
spoke to god and god's and god said if you want her back you just gotta promise
that she's the one
and you won't fuck it up i swear to god i spoke to god and i was like you and i
was like i go i'll
never fuck this up just give her to me and i will never fuck it up i'll marry
her and this will be my
chick this is the one for me he's like i remember him saying in my head to me
remember what you just
said i got home and she was in my bedroom on my bed and she was in a sundress
and she goes i think
we need to figure out how to work what was she doing in there she had just gone
to church oh she
gone to a church down in compton because she's baptist and she couldn't find
one up here and she
gone to a church in compton and and in church someone had said to her in her
head you need to get this
guy this guy's a good guy he needs a second chance wow and so then we just we
hung out we had a
great time didn't party for like six months didn't drink for like six months
and then one day
we're in italy it's new year's eve and uh it's snowing we're in venice it just
starts snowing
i'd fuck you there that sounds beautiful and i said i said to her i said i
gotta be honest with you
this is when i want to drink is like it's snowing we're insane you didn't drink
for six months six
months i didn't drink and i didn't have a like that's the other problem is i
don't have a problem
quitting drinking like i almost have a problem starting up again right and so
like i go i don't i just feel
like i want to drink and she goes honey i don't think you have a drinking
problem have a drink
wow and we had a cut we had a but we split a bottle of wine went out in the
snow in saint mark's it was
empty it was fucking empty it was like the day after new year's eve town they
shut down and it was
fucking gorgeous saint mark's saint mark's is a big square in venice oh it's
like just huge and it was
just starting to snow it was like perfect snow everywhere oh it's fucking great
and so yeah i've been
with her ever since but then she got nervous because she's like okay i gotta
introduce you to my
family first thing she said was my dad my dad lives in a convenience store okay
and i was like
a cs they call him i go okay and she's like i just want you to know like you
know like my family's
from very humble means yeah i was like all right well man sure enough it's
called kemp's corner
and it was in bowden georgia and we pulled up bowden b-o-w-d-o-i-n no b-o-w-d-e-n
wow and
walk into a convenience store with all your luggage right like how fucking
weird you walk
into like a convenience store with all your luggage and then walk into the back
and put it in
the back and we hung out there went out to eat came back and he closes the
convenience store we're
sleeping in the freezer right pitch black no windows ice cold i love it's like
a cave yeah and in the
middle and like right before bed he's like did you guys want anything like a
snack before bed and i
was like yeah you just walk into a convenience store i got like a fucking 40 i
got a snickers bar i got
some reese's peanut butter cups i was like this is fucking awesome i sat in the
convenience store
in my underwear just murdering food i was like i think i love you i think i
need to marry you i'm
gonna get you pregnant first you're a redneck you understand yeah yeah man and
that's semen first
dude dude you gotta see if that fucking chick will play i can't yeah i can't
take her to the game not
knowing if she can pitch yeah and did you guys when did you guys start making
love or you'd already
been making love no we'd already been making yeah we we had sex probably like
five dates in this
back during sex in the city do you remember that sex in the city run where all
guys thought all girls
were whores i remember thinking that though just even looking on instagram so
there was a period
where women were like and that thing is still there but like sex in the city
came out and women were
like yeah i like to fuck oh i could see that and now we're in control of our
own pussies and that
scared the shit out of me because i've only had sex with six people women why
am i saying people
women just fucking adult women too adult women are all the women you ever had
sex with over the age
of 18 yeah wow yeah even my first one when i was 17 was 18 fuck yeah dude play
up baby she was a
senior i was a junior play up dude yeah jv dude getting up in the bigs huh yeah
and i dated a chick
younger than me when i was 18 and i never fucked her because i this is gonna
sound so creepy that i would
have this wherewithal but even then i just didn't think it was right because i
was like she's younger
than me she was like a junior i was a senior i was 18 she's probably 16 maybe
17 and i was like i'm
going to college and i don't think that's right to do to someone is take their
virginity and just
fucking bounce yet yeah that's not cool and i never had sex with her wow yep
shout out to jem
bethea jem bethea huh what if she showed up now do you think your wife would
give you a pass
she's married to a guy that i fucking really respect but no she's smoking and
what if something
happened to him jem bethea is gorgeous to this day what if something happened
to that guy if
something happened to both our wives and me and her ended up like say we're all
on a cruise right
and and it's like the end of infinity wars like half the people just die yeah
and it's me and jen
i still wouldn't i don't know she's complicated i love her she's like one of my
close friends but
but what she's just a complicated person she is yeah she can fucking she can
work you into a spiral
oh she's great though yeah but yeah i don't i mean i don't know i know her too
well as like i've known
her for almost like a little sister my my whole life now because after that she
went to florida state
then she moved out to la she was a stylist for a while really yeah she's great
and you saw her again
and you got at that time you were dating your lady you're with your lady i have
known her date when i
was dating my chick i've known her she's dated a couple of my friends i love
her but like i could man
she's she's way too much have you and your wife ever thought about like doing
swinging or anything like
that not even remotely really that's so not leanne leanne oh leanne barely
wants to fuck me yeah let
alone other people oh yeah that's true i think she's got a crush on you though
really yeah she's
she loves you man she's sweet lady you know what's crazy is my sister can't
even read but what does it
have to do with us right now hope you enjoyed that video and you can watch
another and you can watch this
one you can watch this one different options different choices some guy just
brings you one option
not this guy two options watch one this one or this one