Name: Theo Von & Whitney Cummings on Young Love
Uploaded: 2020-03-02T17:00:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von & Whitney Cummings on Young Love' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-03-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von & Whitney Cummings on Young Love' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-03-02. Transcript available.

Like, I remember when I was in maybe sixth grade, like, there was this girl
that I was in love with, and I think...
In sixth grade?
Oh, dude.
What? How old are you in sixth grade?
Honey, I fell...
12, 13.
Yeah, 12, 13.
What? That's not love.
Oh, I was 80% heart. Dude, and listen to this. I had a man's dick since I was
about four.
So imagine... My dick's been the same size since I was four.
How do you know? How do you...
They told me.
Who's they?
They told me.
Who's they?
Medical facility, doctors, everybody.
Medical facility?
We get it. You grew up rich. You had a medical facility. Okay. You had health
insurance. Cool.
Every sports coach, dude. I remember one sports coach taking a picture of it
who was not even a pedophile.
You know that's illegal.
But he wasn't a pedophile who was just like...
Yes, he was.
No, it was like looking at the nice tires on a truck. It was like, dang.
Okay, so, okay. So I am obsessed with when you realize you were molested, like
the day you realized.
You just... We just caught it. Here it is. Hashtag times up. I'm here. Theo has
come forward against his childhood basketball coach who took a picture of his
dick.
I know the story you're telling yourself.
Right.
It was like a tire on a car. You were molested, Theo.
No, it wasn't.
Is this a bad time to...
I was molested by Kodak, dude. I'll tell you this. I bet it took him a couple
extra minutes to develop that shot because I had some... I was throwing some
real heat.
But I remember coach being like, hey, hey, hey, Daniel.
It wasn't one hour... My dick was so big it wasn't one hour photos.
It was a three day photo.
Coach Daniel, I need you in here to see this boy's dick, man.
That's illegal and that's molestation.
No, it was people who were partying.
Is it molestation or molestation?
A molestation is something that Bill Murray's going to be in. It's a movie that
he's coming in out next year.
Groundhog Day.
Yeah, or it's like, I think somebody touched me. I think somebody touched me.
Someone kept fondling my mole. My mole just happens to be on the tip of my dick.
Dude, what a great YouTube fucking sequence this is. Somebody that just sneaks
up on people and touches their fucking mole.
Depending on where it is, that can be very legal and get you on Meghanslaw.com.
So what else happens...
Or Angie's List, which I mix up all the time.
Can we change the name of one of them?
Is it Megan or Angie?
Well, here's the thing. You go on fucking... You get into these Meghanslaw
sites.
Next thing you know, you're looking for a carpenter. Next thing you know, you're
fucking molested.
You know?
Wait, you go on Meghanslaw looking for a carpenter?
Well, you easily...
They would build a children's nursery for you.
I'm just saying there's a lot of things going on out there that people are not
looking into.
It's true, it's true, it's true.
But I remember also, going back to what we were talking about, I remember being
like, you know, in fifth grade or something.
And I was in love with this girl, right?
In love.
Like, everything I knew.
Like, I mean, I was just sprouting aortas every fucking day thinking about this
girl.
Like, and just my ribcage is just full of just blood for this woman.
You're such an artist, Theo.
You really are like a spoken word poet.
I don't know.
You are. I mean that.
I mean, those people end up fucking, usually selling sandwiches out of a
fucking van.
No, but you have a very, what's the word?
Florid? Is that the word? Florid?
Look that up.
It's like, you have very, like, flowery delivery.
Oh, thank you.
Yeah.
I remember, the only way I could express to this girl that I liked her was...
Florid.
Having a red or flushed complexion, elaborately or excessively intricate or
complicated.
Well, that makes it seem pejorative.
Having a red or flushed complexion, I still probably definitely have three
milligrams of Cialis in my system from probably a couple days ago.
Because I'll pop a 10 milligram just to fucking hit the streets.
What does Cialis do?
Just makes you feel a little bit of fluff, you know?
No, but I mix up Cialis with...
They're all the same.
Are they?
Yeah.
All the antidepressants?
Oh, no, no, no.
I mean, this is an antidepressant for sure.
It's an antidepressant for erection.
Really?
Makes you stout.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
I thought that was Viagra.
Gives you that friar tuck, you know what I'm saying, bruh?
Right, a who?
That bow staff.
Please don't call me bruh.
Sorry.
Thank you.
Young lady.
Okay, thank you.
Very good.
Not little lady, though.
I have a lot of...
This is a lay...
I have a lot of rules.
I don't know.
For someone this sleepy, I have a lot of rules.
But no, this is when women need to have the most rules, ladies.
When you're feeling...
I'm about to pass out, and I just want you to know that I have strong
boundaries, and
I will sue you if you try to penetrate any of my orifices.
Oh, wow.
This is where I really...
You know what a Nantucket sleigh ride is?
It's when you kill a whale, and it retaliates that whales and mammals are the
strongest right
when they're about to die.
Oh, wow.
It's like the final burst of energy, and that's me right now.
This is my Nantucket sleigh ride.
Damn, this is...
Do not call me lady.
I just want to make you as least attracted to me as possible.
I feel like I've always been the same amount attracted to you.
Really?
Yeah.
But I'm going to finish this brief story real quick.
So I was in love with this girl.
The only way I could express it to her was, in my primal ways at this time, I
saved one
day, I think it was Valentine's, I saved all the spit in my mouth one day
during class,
right?
And after class, I ran up behind her and just spit it all right into her hair.
And that was like, for me, it was like, this is...
What did you think you were going to accomplish by that?
I just hope that somehow through it, maybe through the genetics of it and all
the, just
the...
The genetics of it?
Like the ocean that had been going on in my mouth, the ocean of the fucking
high and low
tide of the saliva, just the little...
The more sober you get, the more on drugs you seem.
Really?
That's great.
It's pretty great.
But I think I just wanted...
But that's how, like, just nervous...
Was it like a possessive...
Because spitting on someone is a very degrading thing.
It's going on out there, FYI.
Yeah.
Out on the streets.
There's a lot of spitting in the face happening.
Hashtag Tinder.
And I feel like it was like you were trying to own her in a way or just get
your genetics
onto her lower back.
I think I just thought this was the only way.
And I did hair, you know?
And I just...
You did hair.
I spit into her hair.
Got it.
Oh, right, right, right.
Yeah.
And I'm not...
I mean, this is just...
When I look back on it now, I'm like, this is the only way...
And now if you love a woman, you spit on the front side of your head.
Yeah.
So you weren't that...
Well, now I'll just lick under their chin.
You were close.
Is that a thing?
No.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, that's cool.
If a guy did that to me during sex, I would not be able to stop laughing for
like 45 minutes.
It's called the Virginia Mud Trail.
Have you heard about that?
It's...
Okay.
I thought it was the Nantucket Wine Tasting.
Yeah, it's different now.
That's when you had a grape...
The Nantucket sleigh ride intersects with something licking your face.
Yeah.
That's when you eat grapes out from under somebody's arm, I think.
Yeah, and that's a Marina Del Rey wine tasting.
But no, what were we talking about before I got into that?
Why I was talking about feelings and stuff.
Well, I have lots of questions about the coaches that took pictures of your
dick.
Oh, yeah, right.
I mean, because I'm filing a suit after this, so I'm just trying to collect
data because I am your defense attorney.
Bitty basketball, son.
We are going to get you millions of dollars.
Go Blazers, baby Blazers.
For a good score?
It's not that great.
It's not great when your coaches are jerking off to your girth of your dick.
Well, they weren't jerking off.
They were...
It was admiration.
It was like...
You ever been to Rome where you go look at the statues and stand there and you
walk away with your wife and go get some pizza?
Just like that.
You have to pay like $300 to look at all that shit.
No, it's not enjoyable at all.
I went to Rome and to go see the Sistine Chapel, it was like $800.
I was like, fuck art.
I'm good.
You can afford that.
I know, but I mean, even if you have $801, you can technically afford it.
That doesn't mean I'm about to write that check.
Right.
You know?
Right.
I see a bunch of shit.
I've already seen textbooks for 30 years.
Wow.
You know what's crazy is my sister can't even read.
But what does it have to do with us right now?
Hope you enjoyed that video and you can watch another.
And you can watch this one.
You can watch this one.
Different options, different choices.
Some guy just brings you one option, not this guy.
Two options.
Watch one.
This one or this one.