Name: Theo Von & Bert Kreischer: Reality Bites Back
Uploaded: 2020-03-04T17:00:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von & Bert Kreischer: Reality Bites Back' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-03-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von & Bert Kreischer: Reality Bites Back' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-03-04. Transcript available.

Well, let's talk about Reality Bites Back, because that's where you and I first
met each other, which is kind of crazy.
Some people don't even know about this show, and I don't know if we could put
clips of it into this episode without it getting taken down.
Dude, I'll tell you right now, if you could find the clip of me getting kicked
off of Reality Bites Back, do you remember that?
With Greg Louganis, dude?
And Michael Ian Black?
Yeah.
Do you remember how I got kicked off?
I remember you did like, yeah, somebody said you did like a DNA, like a broke
chain DNA, like an HIV kind of DNA dance on a desk.
Yeah, I've got, so for those of you who don't know, it was a reality show
within a reality show.
I don't know where you can find it.
If you can find this clip.
I have all the videos at home.
Please send it to me.
I'm going to make it sound ridiculous.
This is exactly what it is.
So it's me, Mo Mandel, and Amy Schumer on the final table.
I have been hitting on Greg Louganis the whole time as a joke.
I thought it was like.
And he was handsome.
I mean, this is back when.
Can I tell you, by the way, can I stop and put a pin in this?
Your dive in the wheelchair as your salute to Amelia Earhart was the funniest
fucking thing in the world.
Thanks, man.
I'll describe it for anyone who can't see it.
Theo does this like song to the judges about Amelia Earhart.
It makes no sense.
Yeah.
Gets in the wheelchair.
Someone rolled you off, correct?
Mm-hmm.
Someone rolls him off, and he falls, I think, 25 feet, 20 feet onto his stomach.
Yeah.
With, I think, wings attached to your wheelchair.
Mm-hmm.
And knocks the wind out of him legit.
Yeah.
Pops up like.
And we are all like.
Full Amelia Earhart.
Full Amelia Earhart.
And everyone's like, 10, 10, 10.
It was fucking amazing.
And then Mo Mandel.
It's so ridiculous.
Oh, yeah.
Mo.
Mo did a, Mo's dance, Mo's dive.
The whole thing was, so you think you could dive.
It's a mix up of, so you think you could dance and a diving competition.
Yeah.
Mo Mandel's was making fun of the time when Greg hit his head.
And I even think he said, there's AIDS in the pool or something.
Yeah.
He goes, oh, man.
I'm going to jump in the pool.
I hope I don't get any AIDS on me or something.
Yeah.
And then he jumps and almost hits the diving board accidentally.
Almost hits his fucking head for real.
Unbelievable.
And he did not plan on doing that at all.
I literally came half inch from hitting his head on the diving board.
Yeah.
And I don't remember what Amy's dive was, but it was inconsequential.
Yeah.
Because, and mine was.
Because everybody else had already kind of fucked.
There were so many outliers that Amy almost just had to play right in the
middle.
Yeah.
And Chris Fairbanks did a double flip.
Yeah.
And nobody gave a fuck.
Yeah.
Everybody's like, get this fucking guy out of here.
But it was like, so many people had to make so many poor choices.
Oh.
And then, and then, so then the whole thing is then that it turns into the
boardroom with
Donald Trump, whatever that show is, The Apprentice.
Yeah, The Apprentice.
So they bring us into the inn.
They bring me, Amy, and Mo in.
And it's Greg Louganis and Michael Ian Black.
And he real quick cruises through Mo and Amy.
He's like, Mo, your dive was a little offensive.
Amy, it was inconsequential.
Bert, I understand you're married.
And I went, I am.
And he goes, with children?
And I said, I am.
And he goes, you're not a gay man.
And I went, no.
And he was like, do you realize how offensive it is to hit on a gay man and
lead him on and
make him think you were gay?
Because I was legit hitting on Greg Louganis the whole fucking episode.
Like, even low-key hitting on him?
Even when the cameras were off, I was flirting with him.
Wow.
Thinking like, if he thinks, you know, whatever.
Right, right.
If he thinks I might be able to fuck, he might give me an extra, you know.
Yeah.
And he was like, and I think it was edited out.
But I think of the thing.
I go, Greg, you have AIDS.
I would.
Wow.
Do you think I was hitting on you?
And he was like, you're fired.
And he just gets up and leaves.
And Amy and Mo are like, oh, my God.
They're like, what the fuck did we just witness?
And then they're like, Mo and Amy are dismissed.
And they get up and they walk out.
And then Michael Ian Black goes, Bert, you've made a lot of bad life decisions.
By the way, Michael Ian Black's not even joking at this point.
Right.
And I was like, yeah.
And he goes, your body, your hair, I mean, your facial hair.
Like, he's picking me apart.
Yeah.
And I'm like, yeah.
And by the way, no joke, I am humiliated at this moment.
Because I had driven all of us down.
Remember?
Oh, yes.
I drove us all down.
And in the car ride down, Amy said, oh, my God.
What if one of us gets kicked off?
How awkward would the drive back be?
And I was like, oh, my God.
I've got to drive everyone fucking home.
And so he goes, Michael Ian Black's like, oh, I'm going to need your trunks,
your suit.
And I was like, OK.
And so I get up.
And I'm just embarrassed.
And I'm trying to make it funny.
And I don't know how to.
So I knock over each of the chairs.
And he goes, what are you doing?
And I said, I make big exits, Michael.
And he was like, no.
There's no music playing in this.
And Michael Ian Black's, yeah, I mean, really talented.
Kind of a pussy, though.
And he's really straight.
His whole thing was like straight, man.
Yeah, always.
And I take my robe off.
And then I take my trunks off.
And I'm naked.
And he's like.
Wow.
He's like.
And he might be homerotic.
He's not even joking at this moment.
He's like, I wouldn't do that.
And by the way, there's a 30-person film crew there filming this.
I get on the table.
And I put my feet on the back of his chair.
And I start pulling his face into my junk.
And he's like, no, no.
He's like, I go, look at it, Michael.
And he goes, I'm afraid I'll turn to stone.
I go, part of you will.
Yeah.
And by the way, I'm not getting a laugh.
It is awkward.
It is uncomfortable at this moment.
And I look at him.
And in a last ditch effort, I kick and I do a backspin naked.
And I stick it on the table.
And I look at him.
And fucking thank you, Michael Ian Black breaks character and starts laughing
hysterically.
And the whole set starts laughing.
And I walk off.
Now, my daughters were in preschool at the time.
And I had only been bragging, I will be on Comedy Central.
And I know now, as I'm driving you guys back, that's all these parents will see
is me naked face fucking Michael Ian Black.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
And I tell my wife.
And how many of the dads will be jealous, probably?
I tell my wife when I get home, she goes, how did the day get going?
And I said, I think I might have just ruined my career.
And she was like, really?
And so I didn't think about it until that episode aired.
And then Amy called me the day it aired.
I was in Pittsburgh.
Wow.
What did she say?
She goes, I just watched the episode where you got kicked off.
It is fucking hilarious.
You have nothing to be worried about.
It is fucking hysterical.
She's like, highlighted the show.
And I was like, oh, thank God.
It was funny.
And it was funny.
And then it disappeared.
No one ever even saw it.
And did he really have AIDS, Greg Luganis?
Because he.
Yeah, I think he still.
It's HIV positive.
Right, HIV positive, my bad.
HIV positive, yeah.
Do you think you could beat AIDS?
What's a disease you could beat?
Name three diseases you could beat, honestly.
Crohn's.
No way.
I think so.
You couldn't beat Crohn's.
Can you bring up Crohn's, what it is?
It's just your stomach hurts a little bit.
Yeah, dude.
You're talking about a guy who just like, yeah.
Yeah.
Was fucking somebody in a deep freezer eating a fucking Snicker in a 40?
No, no, no, no, no.
So you're talking about beating a disease.
So you're talking about me getting it and going, I can lick this disease.
Yeah, I can beat Crohn's.
Ooh, it's right around the butt.
It's like irritable bowel syndrome almost.
Yeah, dude.
No.
I can beat Crohn's.
Okay.
All right.
I can beat Crohn's.
And by the way, I'm not to be flippant if you have Crohn's and you're like, you
have
no idea the hell I live in.
No, no, no.
Obviously, we're fucking around, everybody.
But I'm not joking, I changed my lifestyle.
I stopped drinking, started eating healthy, smoking pot every day.
I think I can manage Crohn's.
I think I can manage Crohn's.
Yeah, you just did a triathlon, didn't you?
Just did a triathlon, yeah.
Here's the thing.
Once I get a disease, all I got to do, clean my lifestyle up, and then I think
I can deal
with it.
Okay.
Two other diseases you think you could beat.
What's something with your eyes?
Optimization?
I could definitely optimize.
What is that?
I think that's just a word.
It's just getting better.
Yeah, yeah.
I could beat the gout.
Easy.
Yeah, gout's easy.
That's just shrimp.
Too much shrimp and fucking not enough elbow movement.
But it affects millions across the fucking, across the South.
I grew up in the gout belt, dude.
Everybody had gout.
Everyone's got gout back in Tampa.
Dude.
Red wine and fucking...
Oh, see, shrimp.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
You got it bad.
Your people got it bad.
Oh, yeah, bro.
Oh, half my fucking family looks like crustaceans, dude.
He's like, is that a barnacle on your back?
I'm like, nah, I fucking had a salty salad a couple years ago, and it's never
been the
same.
It's crazy how salt just will get stuck in your body.
Dude, when I, like, no joke, when I get my heaviest is like when I'm on the
road doing like, if I do a theater run, I kind of balloon up because I'm flying
and partying every day.
Like fly, like fly, fly, fly, fly, perform, party.
And that's when I balloon up.
And I'll come home and I'll be like 240 and then just, I'll eat healthy for two
days and I'll drop 15 pounds immediately of just water weight.
Yeah.
Of just, because you eat like shit in the airports, you're drinking booze, you're
retaining water, you're on planes, your ankles are bloated.
Yeah.
And then all of a sudden just, I always think, like, if I just built fences, I'd
be in great shape.
Really?
Like, just built fences or like, it was a hotter.
No, really?
Yeah.
You don't think you'd be there?
Because look, I used to work in that type of labor force and I, I mean, it's so
easy, bro, to become just a dude that fucking naps in the truck, dude.
It's so easy to be that dude.
Okay, I'm wrong.
You're right.
I'm wrong.
I'm the napper.
Oh, yeah.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What the fuck am I doing?
What the fuck am I doing?
Here, I got confident with crones and I started saying this shit I could do.
No, I couldn't do that.
You're right, you're right, because I'm the guy that if I was building fences
and they were like, hey, man, we're going to burn one behind the house, I'd be
like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm in, I'm in.
Next thing you know, I'm in the back of a bed of a truck with my head on a
hammer going, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Bill's here, let's get back to work.
Yeah, I would not be able to do that.
It just gets so easy to, like, all it takes is one long lunch and next thing
you know, you're that fucking dude.
One long lunch where they go in and they pull in the store and the guy in front
of you, your head chaperone, your head guy, grabs a 40, just a tall boy of like
blood ice.
It's only your third day working, you're working hard and suddenly the fucking
truth.
Next thing you know, you're Rodney King.
Remember Rodney King when he was on a celeb rehab and he worked for, like, some
housing company and he worked for a pool company.
Did he really?
In Compton.
Harry Basil worked with him, didn't he?
No, I don't know who's Harry Basil.
Is that a comedian?
Yeah, Harry Basil that runs the Laugh Factory.
They just showed him.
I get no respect.
What is that?
That's Rodney Dangerfield?
Oh, yeah, Rodney Dangerfield.
I don't see, I don't drink before I go on stage.
I'm sorry, Rodney King is the victim, is one of the victims.
Yeah.
Oh my God.
Wait a sixth degree of separation, Rodney King from himself.
Wait, Harry Basil?
Rodney Dangerfield.
Oh, you're talking about Rodney, okay.
I get no respect.
I'm sure he said that at some point during the beating.
Hey, I get no respect.
Yeah.
You know what's crazy is my sister can't even read.
But what does it have to do with us right now?
Hope you enjoyed that video and you can watch another.
And you can watch this one, you can watch this one.
Different options, different choices.
Some guy just brings you one option, not this guy.
Two options.
Watch one.
This one or this one.

Theo Von & Bert Kreischer: Reality Bites Back

Well, let's talk about Reality Bites Back, because that's where you and I first
met each other, which is kind of crazy.
Some people don't even know about this show, and I don't know if we could put
clips of it into this episode without it getting taken down.
Dude, I'll tell you right now, if you could find the clip of me getting kicked
off of Reality Bites Back, do you remember that?
With Greg Louganis, dude?
And Michael Ian Black?
Yeah.
Do you remember how I got kicked off?
I remember you did like, yeah, somebody said you did like a DNA, like a broke
chain DNA, like an HIV kind of DNA dance on a desk.
Yeah, I've got, so for those of you who don't know, it was a reality show
within a reality show.
I don't know where you can find it.
If you can find this clip.
I have all the videos at home.
Please send it to me.
I'm going to make it sound ridiculous.
This is exactly what it is.
So it's me, Mo Mandel, and Amy Schumer on the final table.
I have been hitting on Greg Louganis the whole time as a joke.
I thought it was like.
And he was handsome.
I mean, this is back when.
Can I tell you, by the way, can I stop and put a pin in this?
Your dive in the wheelchair as your salute to Amelia Earhart was the funniest
fucking thing in the world.
Thanks, man.
I'll describe it for anyone who can't see it.
Theo does this like song to the judges about Amelia Earhart.
It makes no sense.
Yeah.
Gets in the wheelchair.
Someone rolled you off, correct?
Mm-hmm.
Someone rolls him off, and he falls, I think, 25 feet, 20 feet onto his stomach.
Yeah.
With, I think, wings attached to your wheelchair.
Mm-hmm.
And knocks the wind out of him legit.
Yeah.
Pops up like.
And we are all like.
Full Amelia Earhart.
Full Amelia Earhart.
And everyone's like, 10, 10, 10.
It was fucking amazing.
And then Mo Mandel.
It's so ridiculous.
Oh, yeah.
Mo.
Mo did a, Mo's dance, Mo's dive.
The whole thing was, so you think you could dive.
It's a mix up of, so you think you could dance and a diving competition.
Yeah.
Mo Mandel's was making fun of the time when Greg hit his head.
And I even think he said, there's AIDS in the pool or something.
Yeah.
He goes, oh, man.
I'm going to jump in the pool.
I hope I don't get any AIDS on me or something.
Yeah.
And then he jumps and almost hits the diving board accidentally.
Almost hits his fucking head for real.
Unbelievable.
And he did not plan on doing that at all.
I literally came half inch from hitting his head on the diving board.
Yeah.
And I don't remember what Amy's dive was, but it was inconsequential.
Yeah.
Because, and mine was.
Because everybody else had already kind of fucked.
There were so many outliers that Amy almost just had to play right in the
middle.
Yeah.
And Chris Fairbanks did a double flip.
Yeah.
And nobody gave a fuck.
Yeah.
Everybody's like, get this fucking guy out of here.
But it was like, so many people had to make so many poor choices.
Oh.
And then, and then, so then the whole thing is then that it turns into the
boardroom with
Donald Trump, whatever that show is, The Apprentice.
Yeah, The Apprentice.
So they bring us into the inn.
They bring me, Amy, and Mo in.
And it's Greg Louganis and Michael Ian Black.
And he real quick cruises through Mo and Amy.
He's like, Mo, your dive was a little offensive.
Amy, it was inconsequential.
Bert, I understand you're married.
And I went, I am.
And he goes, with children?
And I said, I am.
And he goes, you're not a gay man.
And I went, no.
And he was like, do you realize how offensive it is to hit on a gay man and
lead him on and
make him think you were gay?
Because I was legit hitting on Greg Louganis the whole fucking episode.
Like, even low-key hitting on him?
Even when the cameras were off, I was flirting with him.
Wow.
Thinking like, if he thinks, you know, whatever.
Right, right.
If he thinks I might be able to fuck, he might give me an extra, you know.
Yeah.
And he was like, and I think it was edited out.
But I think of the thing.
I go, Greg, you have AIDS.
I would.
Wow.
Do you think I was hitting on you?
And he was like, you're fired.
And he just gets up and leaves.
And Amy and Mo are like, oh, my God.
They're like, what the fuck did we just witness?
And then they're like, Mo and Amy are dismissed.
And they get up and they walk out.
And then Michael Ian Black goes, Bert, you've made a lot of bad life decisions.
By the way, Michael Ian Black's not even joking at this point.
Right.
And I was like, yeah.
And he goes, your body, your hair, I mean, your facial hair.
Like, he's picking me apart.
Yeah.
And I'm like, yeah.
And by the way, no joke, I am humiliated at this moment.
Because I had driven all of us down.
Remember?
Oh, yes.
I drove us all down.
And in the car ride down, Amy said, oh, my God.
What if one of us gets kicked off?
How awkward would the drive back be?
And I was like, oh, my God.
I've got to drive everyone fucking home.
And so he goes, Michael Ian Black's like, oh, I'm going to need your trunks,
your suit.
And I was like, OK.
And so I get up.
And I'm just embarrassed.
And I'm trying to make it funny.
And I don't know how to.
So I knock over each of the chairs.
And he goes, what are you doing?
And I said, I make big exits, Michael.
And he was like, no.
There's no music playing in this.
And Michael Ian Black's, yeah, I mean, really talented.
Kind of a pussy, though.
And he's really straight.
His whole thing was like straight, man.
Yeah, always.
And I take my robe off.
And then I take my trunks off.
And I'm naked.
And he's like.
Wow.
He's like.
And he might be homerotic.
He's not even joking at this moment.
He's like, I wouldn't do that.
And by the way, there's a 30-person film crew there filming this.
I get on the table.
And I put my feet on the back of his chair.
And I start pulling his face into my junk.
And he's like, no, no.
He's like, I go, look at it, Michael.
And he goes, I'm afraid I'll turn to stone.
I go, part of you will.
Yeah.
And by the way, I'm not getting a laugh.
It is awkward.
It is uncomfortable at this moment.
And I look at him.
And in a last ditch effort, I kick and I do a backspin naked.
And I stick it on the table.
And I look at him.
And fucking thank you, Michael Ian Black breaks character and starts laughing
hysterically.
And the whole set starts laughing.
And I walk off.
Now, my daughters were in preschool at the time.
And I had only been bragging, I will be on Comedy Central.
And I know now, as I'm driving you guys back, that's all these parents will see
is me naked face fucking Michael Ian Black.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
And I tell my wife.
And how many of the dads will be jealous, probably?
I tell my wife when I get home, she goes, how did the day get going?
And I said, I think I might have just ruined my career.
And she was like, really?
And so I didn't think about it until that episode aired.
And then Amy called me the day it aired.
I was in Pittsburgh.
Wow.
What did she say?
She goes, I just watched the episode where you got kicked off.
It is fucking hilarious.
You have nothing to be worried about.
It is fucking hysterical.
She's like, highlighted the show.
And I was like, oh, thank God.
It was funny.
And it was funny.
And then it disappeared.
No one ever even saw it.
And did he really have AIDS, Greg Luganis?
Because he.
Yeah, I think he still.
It's HIV positive.
Right, HIV positive, my bad.
HIV positive, yeah.
Do you think you could beat AIDS?
What's a disease you could beat?
Name three diseases you could beat, honestly.
Crohn's.
No way.
I think so.
You couldn't beat Crohn's.
Can you bring up Crohn's, what it is?
It's just your stomach hurts a little bit.
Yeah, dude.
You're talking about a guy who just like, yeah.
Yeah.
Was fucking somebody in a deep freezer eating a fucking Snicker in a 40?
No, no, no, no, no.
So you're talking about beating a disease.
So you're talking about me getting it and going, I can lick this disease.
Yeah, I can beat Crohn's.
Ooh, it's right around the butt.
It's like irritable bowel syndrome almost.
Yeah, dude.
No.
I can beat Crohn's.
Okay.
All right.
I can beat Crohn's.
And by the way, I'm not to be flippant if you have Crohn's and you're like, you
have
no idea the hell I live in.
No, no, no.
Obviously, we're fucking around, everybody.
But I'm not joking, I changed my lifestyle.
I stopped drinking, started eating healthy, smoking pot every day.
I think I can manage Crohn's.
I think I can manage Crohn's.
Yeah, you just did a triathlon, didn't you?
Just did a triathlon, yeah.
Here's the thing.
Once I get a disease, all I got to do, clean my lifestyle up, and then I think
I can deal
with it.
Okay.
Two other diseases you think you could beat.
What's something with your eyes?
Optimization?
I could definitely optimize.
What is that?
I think that's just a word.
It's just getting better.
Yeah, yeah.
I could beat the gout.
Easy.
Yeah, gout's easy.
That's just shrimp.
Too much shrimp and fucking not enough elbow movement.
But it affects millions across the fucking, across the South.
I grew up in the gout belt, dude.
Everybody had gout.
Everyone's got gout back in Tampa.
Dude.
Red wine and fucking...
Oh, see, shrimp.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
You got it bad.
Your people got it bad.
Oh, yeah, bro.
Oh, half my fucking family looks like crustaceans, dude.
He's like, is that a barnacle on your back?
I'm like, nah, I fucking had a salty salad a couple years ago, and it's never
been the
same.
It's crazy how salt just will get stuck in your body.
Dude, when I, like, no joke, when I get my heaviest is like when I'm on the
road doing like, if I do a theater run, I kind of balloon up because I'm flying
and partying every day.
Like fly, like fly, fly, fly, fly, perform, party.
And that's when I balloon up.
And I'll come home and I'll be like 240 and then just, I'll eat healthy for two
days and I'll drop 15 pounds immediately of just water weight.
Yeah.
Of just, because you eat like shit in the airports, you're drinking booze, you're
retaining water, you're on planes, your ankles are bloated.
Yeah.
And then all of a sudden just, I always think, like, if I just built fences, I'd
be in great shape.
Really?
Like, just built fences or like, it was a hotter.
No, really?
Yeah.
You don't think you'd be there?
Because look, I used to work in that type of labor force and I, I mean, it's so
easy, bro, to become just a dude that fucking naps in the truck, dude.
It's so easy to be that dude.
Okay, I'm wrong.
You're right.
I'm wrong.
I'm the napper.
Oh, yeah.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What the fuck am I doing?
What the fuck am I doing?
Here, I got confident with crones and I started saying this shit I could do.
No, I couldn't do that.
You're right, you're right, because I'm the guy that if I was building fences
and they were like, hey, man, we're going to burn one behind the house, I'd be
like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm in, I'm in.
Next thing you know, I'm in the back of a bed of a truck with my head on a
hammer going, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Bill's here, let's get back to work.
Yeah, I would not be able to do that.
It just gets so easy to, like, all it takes is one long lunch and next thing
you know, you're that fucking dude.
One long lunch where they go in and they pull in the store and the guy in front
of you, your head chaperone, your head guy, grabs a 40, just a tall boy of like
blood ice.
It's only your third day working, you're working hard and suddenly the fucking
truth.
Next thing you know, you're Rodney King.
Remember Rodney King when he was on a celeb rehab and he worked for, like, some
housing company and he worked for a pool company.
Did he really?
In Compton.
Harry Basil worked with him, didn't he?
No, I don't know who's Harry Basil.
Is that a comedian?
Yeah, Harry Basil that runs the Laugh Factory.
They just showed him.
I get no respect.
What is that?
That's Rodney Dangerfield?
Oh, yeah, Rodney Dangerfield.
I don't see, I don't drink before I go on stage.
I'm sorry, Rodney King is the victim, is one of the victims.
Yeah.
Oh my God.
Wait a sixth degree of separation, Rodney King f