Name: Theo Von's Idea of Heaven
Uploaded: 2020-03-10T16:00:13.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von's Idea of Heaven' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-03-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von's Idea of Heaven' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-03-10. Transcript available.

When I was young, heaven was different.
I thought, oh, you go to heaven.
The first thing I thought about, honestly, was the food.
I thought about the food.
Because you know, if I'm going all of that way,
and I'm dying to even get into the joint,
they better have some entrees, you feel me?
They better have a couple soup du jours and duge mine, baby.
We all better be having soup.
And that's the first thing I thought about when I was a child.
When I thought about heaven, I thought, oh, man,
they're going to have all the different, you know,
you have a breakfast item right here,
and you have a little over there.
You got an extra chocolate area if you want to run through there
and get some chocolate or dudette or whatever.
You know, I just thought they have spare rib, that kind of stuff.
I'd never even had spare rib, but I'd heard about it.
And sometimes if you met like a rich man or something like that
when you were young and you smelled his breath,
you might catch that hit of SR off that bad boy.
I'm talking about spare rib.
And you get that just, oh, okay.
I see what y'all doing at home.
Y'all got a little bit of cash at the house.
But that's what I thought about heaven when I thought about heaven.
When I was a child, my heaven had all kind of, they had food.
They had a big table with food on it.
And then what else?
Sorry.
They had a lot of clouds, I remember.
My heaven, it was a cloudy heaven.
And not like, I guess, not like 70% chance of rain or anything like that.
It was overcast, but fluffy.
That was my idea of heaven.
It was overcast, but fluffy and kind of warm, like probably clouds that were
maybe, you know, 400 count or 200 count.
Or at least 80 count.
Dude, I got some pillows at home.
These bastards are probably about four count.
You can feel the quills from the, I don't even know what animal it was.
It said it was goose, but I bet it's a little bit more of a warbler.
It seemed like they plucked about 2,000 warblers and threw these feathers into
the pillow.
But every, you gotta, if you lay in one position, then that quill comes out and
gets you.
You gotta turn, it's like, oh man, right there, no, no, no.
And finally you get in the right spot.
And with no quills, and that's when you're like, oh hell yeah.
Come on, boy, now we're living.
Now we're living, just laying in the Lord's lap, baby, when you get that nice,
comfortable pillow.
I can't believe people don't have pillows installed around our head or neck.
People get tattoos all the time.
Oh, that ain't comfortable.
You see somebody with a tattoo, it's nice, it's artistic, it's drawing.
But it isn't, you know, it's not, it's not comfortable.
If I saw somebody got a pillow sewn into the back of their head.
Come on, boy, I'd be right, look, I would understand it.
I'd say, oh yeah.
I see what you're doing there.
That way, you just got that big, just that, that way anyway, somebody, even if
you fall down, you have that, nothing.
Stay down.
You trip over something, stay down.
Now you're napping.
There's definitely a beauty, I think of, you know, I think there's just going
to be new things we're going to start doing in the future that we're not doing
yet.
Where we're taking care, you know, you know, sew a pillow to your head or, you
know, add maybe some piping or something on the outside of our knees and legs
to give us more sturdy.
Because people aren't that sturdy.
Run and push someone, I bet you they fall over.
Nine out of ten times, if you run and push somebody, that bitch is going down.
But then change your game up, change your vibe up.
If they got, you know, a couple of pieces of PVC pipe hooked on each leg, baby,
who knows what could happen.
It might take you a half hour to really bring them down to the ground.
So anyway, just kind of, but, but what was your idea of heaven when you were
young, you know, what was it?
And what is it now?
That's what I think.
Now my idea of heaven, no emails, no emails.
No smartphones, no smartphones, just dumb phones.
Remember the dumb phone?
Do you remember the dumb phone?
You had to go over to it.
It was making a loud noise.
You had to pick it up and somebody would ask.
They got to ask for one person.
Is Randy there?
Nah.
And you could lie to him, bro.
You could lie so easily.
Even if you were Randy, you could be like, Randy ain't here.
You got the wrong number.
We don't even have a Randy around here.
Let me see if Randy is here.
Randy?
Nope.
He ain't here.
Remember that, man, with the dumb phone.
You could, anything.
The dumb phone.
It also, if you, if you answered, you didn't want to talk to somebody, you
could wrap the cord.
It had a cord.
You could wrap the cord around your neck.
T-Y-O-L, bro.
Take your own life right there.
You're like, dang, man.
What happened to Bert?
You'd be like, well, somebody called.
He couldn't handle it.
And now he's in heaven.
But yeah, that's my heaven.
No email.
Dumb phones only.
And what else?
Still food.
And I'm thinking now more nachos.
More chicken piccata, maybe.
Where else?
What else would I have?
Definitely still the desserts.
But more of like, I would go with a coconut.
When I was young, it could be anything.
Just sugar.
It could be a table full of sugar.
I don't even care.
Just let me stick my head in it for about 19 seconds.
You know, I don't even care.
I don't even, I don't care if they just put a bunch of Laffy Taffy under my
tongue and punched me right in the mouth.
You know, when you're young, you don't care.
But now when I'm older, I want my heaven to be a little bit more.
I don't know.
I guess I just want different things in it.
I want, you know, I definitely want, I want a lot of people there.
And, but honestly, dude, if somebody's real chatty, you could DH them, bro, put
them in a different heaven.
Because I ain't, when I go to heaven, dude, I ain't doing a ton of listening.
Okay, I want a quiet heaven.
So if y'all want to get a different heaven, if they got kind of a more urban
heaven or something, then y'all can do that.
But my, I'm staying in that low, just kind of mild, maybe a breeze.
The loudest thing is a breeze.
You know, maybe a breeze that could sing.
So it's just kind of lonely teardrops.
You know, a breeze that kind of just could also, you know.
Oh, you got that yummy eye.
The branch is green beside me.
Like, I just don't want anything real loud in my heaven.
But, we'll see, man.
And I want the joy there, too.
I want everything to be joyous.
I probably won't even be able to judge when I'm in heaven now.
There won't be as much judgment.
Gosh, that would be nice.
To have less judgment.
Imagine somebody's just, imagine that.
That would be really just the biggest piece in my whole heart and brain.
If there was less judgment inside of me.
Because if you crack me open, dude, you got about a thousand Judy's fallout,
bro.
Because I'm judgment.
I'm judgment, bro.
Dude, if you saw me at a flavor for ice cream, I'm judgment.
Chocolate chip, papa.
It's hard not to judge sometimes.
You know, it's hard.
But, also, the judgment of me allowed me to be able to do stand-up comedy.
And do comedies.
So, there's, you know, it's, that's double sword, man.
But, but yeah, what was your heaven like now?
Do you have a different heaven?
And now, I think more there is.
When you're a kid, a heaven is just, they got animals there, but you could pet
them more, I think.
They have alligators, but they're not dangerous.
You might see an alligator, and he's, you know, if you ask him if he's ever
eaten like human,
he would, he would tell you, but he would, he wouldn't just tell you in front
of everybody.
He would kind of whisper to you later, or kind of write it on a, you know,
maybe on a, on a napkin or something.
Or something, give it, slip it to you.
Say, yeah, I've had a little bit of, you know, you know what I'm saying?
I've had a couple Viettes by the river, you feel me?
I've had a couple, uh, couple bad bitches came down by the water.
And I was on graph.
But I think, you know, it's just different now because, what am I talking about,
but I don't know.
Um, but yeah, if you have, what was your, did you have a different heaven when
you were young as to what your heaven idea is now?
You know, now my heaven has more, like, loved ones in it.
It's not just about what I want.
It's more, I think, about a little bit of, you know, there's other people I
want to make sure everybody, you know, gets in.
You know, it's like, I don't know.
Anyway, if you ever thought on what your heaven was like as a child, maybe, if
you had an idea of heaven, and if, what it's like now.
And some people, you don't believe in heaven, that's fine.
You out here working, just kind of milling around, baby, that's, it doesn't
sound fun to me.
I like more of like a, you know, that's, I'm a romantic.
You know, I'm a romantic.
Good evening, good afternoon, and other times.
Thanks for watching that video you just saw.
I mean, it was okay.
But the next video you could watch could be way better.
What if you watch a video right now that changes your life?
Well, you could.
Watch this one.
Or, watch this one.
Watch this one.
Watch this one.
Watch this one.
Ah!