Name: Theo Von Takes Calls on Kissing Practice
Uploaded: 2020-03-12T16:00:15.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von Takes Calls on Kissing Practice' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-03-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von Takes Calls on Kissing Practice' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-03-12. Transcript available.

Now, last week, we was talking about kissing, smooching, and I talked about a
couple of things when I was young.
You know, when I was young, not everybody knew how to, kissing people, it weren't
the first way you knew to say hey to somebody.
First, when they teach you to handshake, and that's basically saying, hey, let
me touch you real quick.
Let me touch you.
Say, okay, I'll let you touch me, but just my hand.
I say, okay, that's an agreement.
That's a handshake.
And then they do a hug.
Hey, I'm going to trust you enough to put both your hands around and touch my
back really quick while I touch your back.
Okay, and go.
Boom.
Okay.
That was good.
And then it gets to another level, though.
When your body starts to get hot.
When your loins start to look around, you feel me?
Because when you're a man and you're young, you can only look around with your
head and your neck.
But at a certain age, your wiener says, hey, I'm about to peek around as well.
And that is called.
What is it called?
Shit, I don't know.
Purbity.
And that's almost full perurbity, baby.
That's when you're getting lit, bro.
That's when you're suddenly lit for some tit, dude.
But what I'm telling you is this, what I'm trying to say, is that we all
started practicing away kissing.
I shared about mine last week.
And so you guys had some calls that came in.
And I want to hear a couple of those.
Here we go, gang.
Hi, Theo.
This is MoFo from Idaho.
What's up, MoFo?
What's up, MoFo?
MoFo from Idaho.
And Idaho is a good place if you want to get kind of wind burn on your face and
sunburn at the same time.
And if you want to look for gold but not find any.
But still dress like you look for gold.
Then Idaho is a beautiful spot.
Great place to get sunburned and go missing as well.
A lot of missing people in Idaho.
Onward.
So I'm the youngest of six.
So I had older siblings.
And we had a Barbie head that was like a head and shoulders and neck.
So you could do her hair and her makeup like it was like a mannequin head.
So when I would get a chance to be alone with this Barbie, I would practice
kissing.
I think we're alone now.
There doesn't mean to be anyone around.
Yeah!
Okay.
So you would kiss that little baby, uh, that baby Barbie.
Let me hear more.
On her neck and her face and everything and...
Damn, this shit turning me on a little wobby.
I'll be honest with you, dude.
Dang, this shit got me working, dude.
This shit's gonna bring old Patrick out the closet.
You feel me, man?
This shit got me going.
Let's hear more.
I'm gonna back it up a little bit in a second.
Here you tell me what happened again.
Onward.
The chance to be alone with this Barbie, I would practice kissing on her neck
and her face and everything and it always, it never failed.
Every time I went to do that, one of my siblings would catch me and be like, Mo,
are you kissing the Barbie's neck?
And I'd be so fucking embarrassed, Ed.
So that would just go on and on.
And also, uh, you know, the poles in the basement.
I used to put on my roller skates and, like, swing around the poles and
practice kissing on those.
And again, somebody would always catch me and be like, what?
Are you kissing the pole?
Anyway, so funny.
Uh, yeah, look, everybody's got a way.
You know, that's interesting.
You're kissing plastic, uh, humans and you're kissing poles.
You know, that's really, you could work at the mall.
I mean, it almost sounds like you could work at the mall.
Um, but yeah, there's, everybody had a different way.
You know, some people would do something different, man.
I had this boy live across the street from us named Robert and he would put his
hand in hot water and get it real hot.
And he would make that kind of kissing area, like a little lips with his hand
where you put your, curl your fingers and your thumb across the front.
And then he would kind of kiss that when it was all warm.
You know, everybody had a little something.
We would heat up the oyster.
You know, every now and then things got a little bit homosexual with the kids.
You know, if it's young fellas, they're kissing on each other's neck a little.
But when you're, when you're a child, anything, gay is not gay.
Gay is just children.
You know, I remember finding, I found two of my nephews one time in the bed and
they in there butt naked.
So what am I going to, you know, they're children.
And one of them had a bunch of damn, uh, little, uh, Hershey's Kisses in there
with him.
He had a whole damn stack, a couple of them on his belly and stuff starting to,
and some of them were melting a little bit and the chocolate was getting on his
skin.
But what am I going to, you know, that's nothing.
That's children.
All right, let's take another call that came in here.
Hey Theo, this is Colt.
Uh, I used to practice kissing on an apple.
I would take a bite.
I would take a, like a little, like a little nibble out of the apple.
And then, you know, it would leave like a little hole for like, uh, you know,
you could put your tongue in there.
Damn, boy, man, that shit got me feeling some type of way, you know, you out
there getting that fruit, dog, putting your tongue into that fruit, boy.
You could have at least had a little bit, you know, you could have cut open the
orange, bro, and perved out into that sucker.
I used to do that when I got a little bit older.
I'd dig out the middle of an orange and throw three of my fingers in that
bastard.
Let's hear more.
And it was kind of a sweet treat at the same time.
So, that was kind of how I used to practice kissing when I was young.
And, uh, I really like the podcast, man.
I really like your, uh, I really like your content.
And, uh, just keep, keep doing you, baby boy.
Gang, thanks, Colt.
I like that.
I like a man named after a weapon as well.
Colt, you know.
Or maybe, uh, who else?
Um, uh, Ninja Star.
And if you don't think there's probably a young black woman out there named
Ninja Star, then you're probably wrong, baby girl.
Uh, kissing on an apple.
Let's hit, let's take another one that came in.
How you practiced getting that lip-locking going, gang.
Hey, Theo, I'm calling all the way from Pennsylvania.
Damn from PA.
And that's Amish country.
If you want to see what, uh, your grandparents did.
Drive through PA, man.
You get out there, out near, uh, what are some of those areas out there where
they, I mean, you can smell the butter.
You can smell the breast milk in the air.
I mean, these women got some breasts on them, too.
That's the breast belt.
Dude, you be driving, you hit a speed, like, what is that, a speed bump on the
interstate?
You be like, nah, man.
That's just a couple titties crossing the road out there.
Cause it's that kind of place, man.
And they got skin just so milky.
My God.
That milky skin.
I mean, just make you want to just, I mean, God damn, every titty look like a
damn.
Ooh.
Every titty looks big and good out there.
But there's nothing like a real milky, uh, breast.
You know, a lot of times they try to push, these days they push these different
type of breasts, this and that, you know.
Oh, here's that lean titty, rock witty.
What?
A lean titty?
People want the breast.
The breast is supposed to be the breast, you know.
You know, I remember when I was growing up, we had a lady that worked at the,
at the, this lady, we lived in an apartment for a little bit.
And it was four apartments in one big building.
And we would play football in the backyard.
Outback.
And they had this, that big area.
And we'd get out there.
And just be our, just pretend we were heroes, you know.
And you had different, you know, you had a hole in a certain part.
You had to go around.
And they had drainage coming off of somebody's laundry room.
So you had to be careful.
And if somebody was running their dryer, that hot air was puffing out of one
area.
So that's where we would do the intros at the beginning of the game.
We'd say, oh, starting quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles.
And your boy would come running out of that dryer smoke from the, by the
laundry room.
And then we'd play the game.
But they had a lady who did a verbal sex work by us.
And she was like a hotline worker.
Back in the day, they used to have a, if you called on the phone line, you dial
1-900-BIG-TITTY or something.
A woman would answer.
And she'd be like, yeah, yeah, you know.
This is, uh, this is Diane, you know.
This is Diane, uh, breast or something like that, you know.
This big titty.
What can I do for you?
And she would sit there and she would like, oh, yeah, let me, I'm taking your
pants off right now.
Oh, yeah, you know.
Oh, I'm choking you right now.
I'm, you know, I'm, uh, spitting in your belly button.
You're like, what?
I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I'm hiding olives in your ass, you know.
They'd be getting real nasty and stuff.
But she was doing verbal sex work.
And every minute she kept the person on the line, she would, uh, get more money
for the family.
But one of her windows, her window was down by the other end zone where we
played football.
So you didn't even want to go score down there sometimes when she was getting
real vulgar, you know.
She'd be like, oh, I got three olives.
I got three olives in my ass, you know.
You'd be like, oh, I got it.
I'm making martinis in between my tats.
You know, she'd be just getting crazy.
Oh, yeah.
She'd be down there.
Yeah, give it to me.
Like, what is going on?
All right.
Let's take this call that came in right here.
Here we go.
Hey, Theo, I'm calling all the way from Pennsylvania.
And this regards to your last podcast about practicing your kissing.
And I used to take a nice, juicy, soft mango, just bite a little small mouth
hole in the side of it and start making out with a mango.
Let me know what you think.
Dang, boy, you sound like a pervert, bucko.
What do you sound like?
Dude, you're doing something wild.
A mango, first of all, mango is the straight-up slut of produce.
You got to think that.
You think when tomatoes see a mango coming, they ain't saying, oh, look at this.
Thought over here.
Dude, think about that.
You don't think when two peaches, they sitting around, they on a swing set,
just peaching, you know, maybe splitting up a percocet or something.
And then they see this mango get out of a taxi.
You know, they both thinking, oh, look at this over here.
Charlie, get over here, Charlie.
I'm telling you, bro, mango is a straight-sloot of the fruit kingdom gang, bro.
Thank you for calling, man.
And get out your mama's refrigerator, bro.
You sound like you got to stay home if you being like that.
Onward.
Hey, Theo, this is Old Gun.
I'm out in the Bay Area, California.
I was just listening.
What's up, Old Dun?
Thank you for calling, brother.
Onward.
It made me think of how I used to practice kissing.
I used to make out with my elbow pit on the inside of my forearm.
And I used to get it, I used to fucking give it hickeys and everything, dude.
That was my shit.
I think I did it for like a year.
Everybody knows he did it for way longer, too, even though you just said that.
But onward, brother.
And then, I don't know why I stopped doing it, but I hadn't thought about that
in many years.
Thank you.
Keep up the good work.
I love the positive message you bring with the humor attached.
Gang, bro.
Thank you, man.
Thank you very much.
Thanks for calling, man.
Look, dude.
You're making me think.
I have a limited neck.
My neck, I got a medium to lower neck.
If I look for something, I can't look real long because I got to bring my neck
back to center.
I got to recenter my neck.
Some people got that neck.
They over here.
They over there.
They doing laundry.
They looking for this.
You know what I'm saying?
They on a lost and found.
They could do multitask with that fucking big reacher.
With that fifth fucking limb, baby.
That neck.
But my shit, limited time.
I got that limited look piece, baby.
So, I couldn't really get into the crease of my elbow very much.
But I bet I did try that.
Let me try it.
Oh, yeah.
Now, the second I put my face there, I remember I definitely did.
Oh, yeah, man.
Damn.
Dude, my elbow crease tastes like it remembers me, dude.
I'll be honest with you, boy.
Damn, this chick is fine as hell.
Dude, and I remember even this, dude.
This is so perverse.
I can't even believe I'm telling you this.
As I got older, sometimes my underarm would have the vibe, the scent of a woman
to it.
And I would sometimes put my face right down in there and, like, get a couple
of huffs off my own, off that own, my own fucking little reach crevice right
there, that armpit.
And then I would use that, you know, I'd fuel myself to pleasure myself, you
know, and do masturbation.
So, damn.
Almost wish I had to say that.
But, you know what?
Whatever, man.
That's who I am.
That's who I am, dude.
Because I wanted that full body experience.
Because sometimes one of my underarms, one of my underarms always smelled a
little bit, got that spaghetti, kind of that Italian, you know.
It's something under there.
I'm running like a primavera, you feel me?
But every now and then, one of my underarms had a bit more of a kind of a
fertile, feminine kind of, you know.
It kind of had the same tenor, the same kind of, the same hit, that you could
get the same hit off of it you would off of a woman's body.
And even maybe a vagina, even if I'm being real honest with you.
And I know this is gross.
I know this is kind of graphic, man.
I'm sorry about that.
I'm not trying to be disgusting.
I'm just trying to be honest with you.
But so I'd get a couple hits of that, and then I would use that, because that
would get my brain all fired up with that hot pouch, you know.
It would just, it fueled that, because I would have that, the scent.
I had that scent of a woman right under my arm, that hooah, you know.
And so I'd get a couple hits of that and then use that to power my ability to
touch myself.
But yeah, man, we all did something, and it's okay.
That's nature.
Nothing wrong with you, and there's nothing wrong with me, man.
We got a couple more that came in.
And I got to tell you about this last ad for the episode.
When you're selling online, getting your orders out can be a real pain.
Oh, what's that pain?
Oh, that's getting my orders out.
How do you keep track of who gets what?
What carrier should you use?
Are you getting the best rates?
That's why you need ShipStation.com.
It's the fastest, easiest, and most affordable way to manage and ship your
orders.
Just a few clicks, and you'll be managing your orders, printing out labels, and
getting your product out fast to keep your customers happy.
ShipStation makes it easy.
ShipStation helps you get orders out, save money on shipping costs, and keep
your customers happy.
No matter what you're selling on Amazon, Etsy, eBay, your own website, it
brings all your orders into one simple interface.
No more going to PayPal and printing out the thing and taping it to this, and
then where does this go, and then who do I, now I got to run them all over to
the post office.
Now, you can put it all together, simple interface, take your shipping to the
next level.
It works with all the major carriers, including USPS, FedEx, UPS, even Amazon Fulfillment.
No wonder ShipStation is the number one choice of online sellers.
And right now, this past weekend, listeners can try ShipStation free for 60
days when you use offer code THEO.
There's absolutely no risk.
You can start your free trial without even entering your credit card info.
Just visit ShipStation.com and click on the microphone at the top of the
homepage and type in THEO.
That's ShipStation.com.
Use code THEO.
ShipStation.
Make ship happen.
Oh, these are good, man.
Let's take another one right here.
How you got that smooch.
How you got that smooch practice.
Because, look, some guys lucked out.
Some fancy guys, if you was real rich, maybe your mom come downstairs and give
you a little kiss or something to stay heavy with you if you had a stepmom.
Maybe she'd sleep over once a month or something.
You're like, damn, I don't even know what dad's for.
He's just a bank.
Because I'm the one.
Me and Rhonda are seeing each other now.
But if that wasn't your case, then you had to learn to kiss somewhere.
And if somebody wasn't kissing you, you had to find a way.
And that's who I am.
And I appreciate you being similar.
Let's go.
Hey, Theo.
I'm calling about the practicing kissing when you're young.
I think I was in sixth grade.
You finally merged schools with four different elementary schools.
You got all these girls there.
I was like, I need to practice.
I would take long, hot showers.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Homeward.
And after that shower, I'd sit down.
You'd sit down.
And there was a faucet that was like there, like, you know, when you first turn
into the bath and you turn into a shower.
But, uh, you practice on that, boy.
You know, it was smooth.
It was chrome.
It was shiny.
You said, I'm going to give this guy a little tongue.
Pretend it's a girl.
Look at your own reflection.
And then, like, close your eye and just picture a nice moment.
But, all right.
That's all.
Dang.
Dang, bucko.
That's one way to do it, man.
Dang.
And that's how you end up selling, uh, and that's how you end up selling
bathroom equipment for the rest of your life, man, with that kind of love for
the game right there.
But, yeah, I can understand what you're saying.
See your reflection in something.
And then you go kiss it.
Now, if you're sucking on the front end of a faucet, that might be kind of homoerotic.
You might be getting a little bit homoerotical right there, bro.
You might meet a man.
Hell, you might end up dating the tin man.
You know, if somebody in the next room is watching Wizard of Oz, and even
through the television, that tin man sees you sucking on the end of a friggin'
dripping faucet, boy.
Yeah, man.
Boy.
That mad metal maniac's gonna pop right out of your screen, bro.
And he's gonna want his, uh, he's gonna want his chrome polish, daddy.
Look, stay safe out there, man, wherever you are.
I am saying that, and thank you for sharing.
Thank you for sharing that.
That.
Um, let's take another call, man.
Let's take one more call that came in here to the hotline.
I appreciate you guys being, uh, so supportive.
I'm excited about going to Maui in two weeks.
If you have a friend on the island, tell him to get, uh, to get that hitter,
man.
Grab some tickets.
Um, what else?
Yeah, I just need, I'm ready to have a little bit of break, man.
I feel a lot of stress in my shoulders.
I can't, it's like, like a tingling that's in my shoulders and my neck.
And I think I might be allergic to coffee, too.
So, you know me, dude.
I got all the problems, baby.
Oh, I'm wearing this Joe Musgrove today, too, son.
Got this beautiful hitter right here, Pittsburgh Pirates.
Shout out one of the best in the game right there, gang, bro.
Good evening, good afternoon, and other times.
Thanks for watching that video you just saw.
I mean, it was okay.
But the next video you could watch could be way better.
What if you watch a video right now that changes your life?
Well, you could.
Watch this one.
Or, watch this one.
Watch this one.
Watch this one.
Watch this one.
Ah!

Theo Von Takes Calls on Kissing Practice

Now, last week, we was talking about kissing, smooching, and I talked about a
couple of things when I was young.
You know, when I was young, not everybody knew how to, kissing people, it weren't
the first way you knew to say hey to somebody.
First, when they teach you to handshake, and that's basically saying, hey, let
me touch you real quick.
Let me touch you.
Say, okay, I'll let you touch me, but just my hand.
I say, okay, that's an agreement.
That's a handshake.
And then they do a hug.
Hey, I'm going to trust you enough to put both your hands around and touch my
back really quick while I touch your back.
Okay, and go.
Boom.
Okay.
That was good.
And then it gets to another level, though.
When your body starts to get hot.
When your loins start to look around, you feel me?
Because when you're a man and you're young, you can only look around with your
head and your neck.
But at a certain age, your wiener says, hey, I'm about to peek around as well.
And that is called.
What is it called?
Shit, I don't know.
Purbity.
And that's almost full perurbity, baby.
That's when you're getting lit, bro.
That's when you're suddenly lit for some tit, dude.
But what I'm telling you is this, what I'm trying to say, is that we all
started practicing away kissing.
I shared about mine last week.
And so you guys had some calls that came in.
And I want to hear a couple of those.
Here we go, gang.
Hi, Theo.
This is MoFo from Idaho.
What's up, MoFo?
What's up, MoFo?
MoFo from Idaho.
And Idaho is a good place if you want to get kind of wind burn on your face and
sunburn at the same time.
And if you want to look for gold but not find any.
But still dress like you look for gold.
Then Idaho is a beautiful spot.
Great place to get sunburned and go missing as well.
A lot of missing people in Idaho.
Onward.
So I'm the youngest of six.
So I had older siblings.
And we had a Barbie head that was like a head and shoulders and neck.
So you could do her hair and her makeup like it was like a mannequin head.
So when I would get a chance to be alone with this Barbie, I would practice
kissing.
I think we're alone now.
There doesn't mean to be anyone around.
Yeah!
Okay.
So you would kiss that little baby, uh, that baby Barbie.
Let me hear more.
On her neck and her face and everything and...
Damn, this shit turning me on a little wobby.
I'll be honest with you, dude.
Dang, this shit got me working, dude.
This shit's gonna bring old Patrick out the closet.
You feel me, man?
This shit got me going.
Let's hear more.
I'm gonna back it up a little bit in a second.
Here you tell me what happened again.
Onward.
The chance to be alone with this Barbie, I would practice kissing on her neck
and her face and everything and it always, it never failed.
Every time I went to do that, one of my siblings would catch me and be like, Mo,
are you kissing the Barbie's neck?
And I'd be so fucking embarrassed, Ed.
So that would just go on and on.
And also, uh, you know, the poles in the basement.
I used to put on my roller skates and, like, swing around the poles and
practice kissing on those.
And again, somebody would always catch me and be like, what?
Are you kissing the pole?
Anyway, so funny.
Uh, yeah, look, everybody's got a way.
You know, that's interesting.
You're kissing plastic, uh, humans and you're kissing poles.
You know, that's really, you could work at the mall.
I mean, it almost sounds like you could work at the mall.
Um, but yeah, there's, everybody had a different way.
You know, some people would do something different, man.
I had this boy live across the street from us named Robert and he would put his
hand in hot water and get it real hot.
And he would make that kind of kissing area, like a little lips with his hand
where you put your, curl your fingers and your thumb across the front.
And then he would kind of kiss that when it was all warm.
You know, everybody had a little something.
We would heat up the oyster.
You know, every now and then things got a little bit homosexual with the kids.
You know, if it's young fellas, they're kissing on each other's neck a little.
But when you're, when you're a child, anything, gay is not gay.
Gay is just children.
You know, I remember finding, I found two of my nephews one time in the bed and
they in there butt naked.
So what am I going to, you know, they're children.
And one of them had a bunch of damn, uh, little, uh, Hershey's Kisses in there
with him.
He had a whole damn stack, a couple of them on his belly and stuff starting to,
and some of them were melting a little bit and the chocolate was getting on his
skin.
But what am I going to, you know, that's nothing.
That's children.
All right, let's take another call that came in here.
Hey Theo, this is Colt.
Uh, I used to practice kissing on an apple.
I would take a bite.
I would take a, like a little, like a little nibble out of the apple.
And then, you know, it would leave like a little hole for like, uh, you know,
you could put your tongue in there.
Damn, boy, man, that shit got me feeling some type of way, you know, you out
there getting that fruit, dog, putting your tongue into that fruit, boy.
You could have at least had a little bit, you know, you could have cut open the
orange, bro, and perved out into that sucker.
I used to do that when I got a little bit older.
I'd dig out the middle of an orange and throw three of my fingers in that
bastard.
Let's hear more.
And it was kind of a sweet treat at the same time.
So, that was kind of how I used to practice kissing when I was young.
And, uh, I really like the podcast, man.
I really like your, uh, I really like your content.
And, uh, just keep, keep doing you, baby boy.
Gang, thanks, Colt.
I like that.
I like a man named after a weapon as well.
Colt, you know.
Or maybe, uh, who else?
Um, uh, Ninja Star.
And if you don't think there's probably a young black woman out there named
Ninja Star, then you're probably wrong, baby girl.
Uh, kissing on an apple.
Let's hit, let's take another one that came in.
How you practiced getting that lip-locking going, gang.
Hey, Theo, I'm calling all the way from Pennsylvania.
Damn from PA.
And that's Amish country.
If you want to see what, uh, your grandparents did.
Drive through PA, man.
You get out there, out near, uh, what are some of those areas out there where
they, I mean, you can smell the butter.
You can smell the breast milk in the air.
I mean, these women got some breasts on them, too.
That's the breast belt.
Dude, you be driving, you hit a speed, like, what is that, a speed bump on the
interstate?
You be like, nah, man.
That's just a couple titties crossing the road out there.
Cause it's that kind of place, man.
And they got skin just so milky.
My God.
That milky skin.
I mean, just make you want to just, I mean, God damn, every titty look like a
damn.
Ooh.
Every titty looks big and good out there.
But there's nothing like a real milky, uh, breast.
You know, a lot of times they try to push, these days they push these different
type of breasts, this and that, you know.
Oh, here's that lean titty, rock witty.
What?
A lean titty?
People want the breast.
The breast is supposed to be the breast, you know.
You know, I remember when I was growing up, we had a lady that worked at the,
at the, this lady, we lived in an apartment for a little bit.
And it was four apartments in one big building.
And we would play football in the backyard.
Outback.
And they had this, that big area.
And we'd get out there.
And just be our, just pretend we were heroes, you know.
And you had different, you know, you had a hole in a certain part.
You had to go around.
And they had drainage coming off of somebody's laundry room.
So you had to be careful.
And if somebody was running their dryer, that hot air was puffing out of one
area.
So that's where we would do the intros at the beginning of the game.
We'd say, oh, starting quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles.
And your boy would come running out of that dryer smoke from the, by the
laundry room.
And then we'd play the game.
But they had a lady who did a verbal sex work by us.
And she was like a hotline worker.
Back in the day, they used to have a, if you called on the phone line, you dial
1-900-BIG-TITTY or something.
A woman would answer.
And she'd be like, yeah, yeah, you know.
This is, uh, this is Diane, you know.
This is Diane, uh, breast or something like that, you know.
This big titty.
What can I do for you?
And she would sit there and she would like, oh, yeah, let me, I'm taking your
pants off right now.
Oh, yeah, you know.
Oh, I'm choking you right now.
I'm, you know, I'm, uh, spitting in your belly button.
You're like, what?
I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I'm hiding olives in your ass, you know.
They'd be getting real nasty and stuff.
But she was doing verbal sex work.
And every minute she kept the person on the line, she would, uh, get more money
for the family.
But one of her windows, her window was down by the other end zone where we
played football.
So you didn't even want to go score down there sometimes when she was getting
real vulgar, you know.
She'd be like, oh, I got three olives.
I got three olives in my ass, you know.
You'd be like, oh, I got it.
I'm making martinis in between my tats.
You know, she'd be just getting crazy.
Oh, yeah.
She'd be down there.
Yeah, give it to me.
Like, what is going on?
All right.
Let's take this call that came in right here.
Here we go.
Hey, Theo, I'm calling all the way from Pennsylvania.
And this regards to your last podcast about practicing your kissing.
And I used to take a nice, juicy, soft mango, just bite a little small mouth
hole in the side of it and start making out with a mango.
Let me know what you think.
Dang, boy, you sound like a pervert, bucko.
What do you sound like?
Dude, you're doing something wild.
A mango, first of all, mango is the straight-up slut of produce.
You got to think that.
You think when tomatoes see a mango coming, they ain't saying, oh, look at this.
Thought over here.
Dude, think about that.
You don't think when two peaches, they sitting around, they on a swing set,
just peaching, you know, maybe splitting up a percocet or something.
And then they see this mango get out of a taxi.
You know, they both thinking, oh, look at this over here.
Charlie, get over here, Charlie.
I'm telling you, bro, mango is a straight-sloot of the fruit kingdom gang, bro.
Thank you for calling, man.
And get out your mama's refrigerator, bro.
You sound like you got to stay home if you being like that.
Onward.
Hey, Theo, this is Old Gun.
I'm out in the Bay Area, California.
I was just listening.
What's up, Old Dun?
Thank you for calling, brother.
Onward.
It made me think of how I used to practice kissing.
I used to make out with my elbow pit on the inside of my forearm.
And I used to get it, I used to fucking give it hickeys and everything, dude.
That was my shit.
I think I did it for like a year.
Everybody knows he did it for way longer, too, even though you just said that.
But onward, brother.
And then, I don't know why I stopped doing it, but I hadn't thought about that
in many years.
Thank you.
Keep up the good work.
I love the positive message you bring with the humor attached.
Gang, bro.
Thank you, man.
Thank you very much.
Thanks for calling, man.
Look, dude.
You're making me think.
I have a limited neck.
My neck, I got a medium to lower neck.
If I look for something, I can't look real long because I got to bring my neck
back to center.
I got to recenter my neck.
Some people got that neck.
They over here.
They over there.
They doing laundry.
They looking for this.
You know what I'm saying?
They on a lost and found.
They could do multitask with that fucking big reacher.
With that fifth fucking limb, baby.
That neck.
But my shit, limited time.
I got that limited look piece, baby.
So, I couldn't really get into the crease of my elbow very much.
But I bet I did try that.
Let me try it.
Oh, yeah.
Now, the second I put my face there, I reme