Name: Theo Von & Bert Kreischer on the "N word"
Uploaded: 2020-03-25T16:00:12.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von & Bert Kreischer on the "N word"' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-03-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von & Bert Kreischer on the "N word"' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-03-25. Transcript available.

someone always learned it from somebody else oh learn the dirty behaviors you
know the m-word
first time i ever heard the m-word i was at uh i was in i was in first grade
and these black kids
came into our neighborhood we live in like a poor white neighborhood and there
was a poor black
neighborhood like across across across nebraska or not nebraska i forget well
dude that's pretty
far then if you're thinking no no no no no that was the street name not the oh
right on bro yeah
and so damn this dude did not live by black people he said they lived a state
away
so they're like wow they were in nebraska and we were in florida and it was
scary man i gotta be
honest with you it was touch and going times yeah i mean we heard stories oh
yeah the rumor mill i
saw a note in a bottle one time in the river it was crazy watch out for the
blacks
that's crazy man oh the n-word somebody said it so so these these black kids
lived across this
this main street from us and then they came into our neighborhood i guess and
stole my football my
football i had a duke junior with a shoelace a tan shoelace as the strings we
used to play in the street
and so the the string for the shoelace ripped my dad replaced it with a with a
with a tan shoelace
it was very distinguishable and a little part we couldn't tie it so there was a
little like
part of the shoelace sticking out yeah so they came into our neighborhood and
they asked if they
wanted to play us a football and they had my football and these two brothers daryl
and darren
like yo they're they must i mean when i remember this story i'm there i feel
like they're 18 17 they're
probably just like 10 and 11 yeah and i was six yeah and they were like yo this
is football and
they're like no this is his football this little other little black kid and
they're like fight him
for it and i was like i have first grade i was not fighting anyone i was
wearing a loincloth and
knee-high moccasins oh yeah and so um james fighting your sexuality bro my dad's
like get him some
knee pads he's gonna be sucking dick so uh so yeah so and he's gonna need knee
pads to do it what a
pussy
what about the good old days man when you would suck your knees be a man about
it yeah bro support the
union you freak what kind of gay guy puts on knee pads yeah i can take like a
man man a backup gay
dude that's you mind if i pull my socks off
oh oh that's hilarious you want oh my god
boy he's locked up i want to i don't want to skin my knees when i suck your
dick go ahead
buddy yeah yeah whatever you gotta do whatever you gotta do man do you mind if
i pull my pants down
for some cushioning on my knees
oh fuck what if i take my shirt off and just tie it around both of my knees hey
is it cool if i take
my shoes off and put my knees in my
like damn dude i don't even think you shouldn't even be gay little guy anyone
who does that you're
like this is your first time sucking dick you do this a lot
just sitting on your feet and kneeling on your fingers
bro actually if you had to blow some dude that's not a bad like i would go
through all of those
things before you you gotta like you gotta have some ways to get out of it you
know i've gone down
on my wife on the side of the bed with my knees on the on the um wood floors oh
that's crazy grab a
pillow put them under your knees yeah the uh but anyway so these black kids
come in the neighborhood and
they they're like fight this kid i was like i've never been in a fist fight i
want to be in a fist
fight and then daryl and darren looked at me like like are we gonna have to do
this for you and i was in my
head i was like give him the ball i don't care my dad already bought me a new
one like like
and then they got in a fight they get into a fight daryl fights one of the
dudes or darren one of the
one of the younger one fights a black dude and they're all it's like it's like
five black kids
and then seven white kids or eight white kids more white kids because our
neighborhood and the dad
comes out and the dad starts chanting fight fight and we're in a white white
don't win we all jump in
and i am and i and then he's hitting me it's your ball motherfucker chanted chanted
and here i am just
some first grader in a loincloth and knee-high moccasins just fight fight and
then i said then
i said the word in front of my dad and it was fucking over really oh your dad
fought him no no no
my dad took me down to their fucking house walked me down stood in the fucking
thing i said don't
ever talk to my son don't ever i told my dad everything happened they stole my
ball this is what
he asked me to say don't ever talk to my son and we moved out of that
neighborhood month later
month later we were out of that when i was growing up you knew not to say the n-word
if if somebody
beat your ass that's how you knew you know what i'm saying like that was the
litmus it was like
you that's how you learned about it it was like oh somebody said it somebody
got their ass beat and
then that was it it's so funny man i never heard it like i heard it when i was
when we lived in that
neighborhood and then i never heard it in our new neighborhood never heard it
and then i never i
never heard it and i heard it a little bit in high school but but it was we had
a black friend uh
carrie brown and all the kids that grew up with him would drop the word but as
a like not not
derogatory just as like a joke if if if it was the punt like in a louis ck way
if it was the punch
line of a joke meaning towards carrie or or but it very lighthearted they were
like guys that he grew
up his whole life and then i heard a lot in college i heard it fucking well i
went to florida
state and we were segregated it was like famu and florida state so i heard it a
lot in college
famu was more black college a hundred percent yeah and i used to drive the
black chicks they'd call
they always lived in one dorm it's so funny i ran into this woman the other day
who went a black chick
my age who went to florida state and i said hey did you ever take safe escort
that's what i i was i
drive them around campus and like a k-car do you remember a k-car pull up a k-car
can you it was like
the uh the fucking biggest beater you could ever have yeah i think it's called
a k-car or q-car
it's like an old yeah yeah yeah yeah that was it oh yeah renault that's a that's
a renault isn't it
chrysler k that was a that was what we but it was white and so and man they
would what would happen is
you knew if the black chicks called on a saturday night because you it was just
taking people to the
libraries where you're supposed to go okay but if the black chicks call on a
saturday night
you knew they wanted to go to famu from florida state okay and we weren't
allowed to drive to
famu but once they got in the car you had to take them wherever they went so
what would happen is
they go they go we have a pickup at debony hall one based one lemon i have a
pickup at debony hall
her name's uh laquisha and you go okay you'd be like is it how many passengers
are like just one
that's what they say and so you'd pull up and then she'd like wave to you and
you go hey and as she
waved they'd pile in the other side of the car and she'd get in they go we're
going to famu
bitch i loved it though because i because i love hip-hop so i would just talk
hip-hop with them the entire
time every i learned about wu-tang clan that way i bought the method man album
through them i learned
about uh suave house mjg and eight ball it was like damn it was like the funnest
for me because i
loved hip-hop oh yeah and so we would just i'd be like what are you guys
listening to and i was driving
them for like 20 minutes so yeah we're listening to what there was no player
and there was no player
in there sometimes they'd have and we are wearing seat belts and everything no
there'll be so many
people in those seat belts i was back when seat belts were like people didn't
even die back then
dude who wore seat belts i see my kids putting on seat belts i'm like what are
you guys what are you
need knee pads for blowjobs what do you gotta put your shoes in your knees and
your a6 where you blow
a guy huh kids take out your inserts yeah yeah good evening good afternoon and
other times thanks for
watching that video you just saw i mean it was okay but the next video you
could watch could be way
better what if you watch a video right now that changes your life well you
could watch this one
or watch this one watch this one watch this one watch this one ah