Name: Theo Von Takes Call: Are We Going Full Blown Apocalypse?
Uploaded: 2020-04-08T16:00:17.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von Takes Call: Are We Going Full Blown Apocalypse?' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-04-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von Takes Call: Are We Going Full Blown Apocalypse?' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-04-08. Transcript available.

gang gang what's up man this is dusty from leesburg georgia what's up dusty
over there
in leesburg huh and leesburg georgia and that is um man that sounds like a
small place
that's something kind of place where everybody kind of you know where the water
fountain is you
know it sounds like you could definitely could find a wishing well over there
beautiful home
we're brother i just want to call in with some thoughts on the coronavirus i'm
uh kind of sick
of this half apocalypse everything shut down half still going to work paying my
bills which
i am appreciative of because i understand there's a lot of people out there
without work not able to
pay the bills but uh i mean yeah i'm just sick of fledgling in the middle here
we need to choose
the side either everything just needs to go back to how it was and we figure
the shit out that way
or we go full fucking apocalypse and we get a couple of doom buggies and a
couple of sets of
shoulder pads start shaving our heads in the mohawks and speaking simpler
languages you know what i'm
saying like hey man i look there's that everybody that's what i'm saying where
everybody's a lesbian
you know what i'm saying you fold your nuts into something and you next thing
you know you got some
vajuts down there and everybody's a everybody's a let's do mohawks on everybody
you know what i'm
saying ladies trim your tits down guys sharpen up your lower ribs and expose
them bro and let's
fucking go toe to toe i'm look there's something to be said there's a there's
there's i think that seed
is that that seed lives in a lot of us somewhere that element of anarchy you
know what i'm saying we
got that fucking violent onion smelling up our insides you know that thing is
in there
and not there's a lot of people who are who are who are kind of like society
society
they don't feel that the you know the ronda jam or the you know the this this
human gumbo that we
have going on is the best um is the best for it's not the it's not the it doesn't
really
fulfill their appetite but i feel there's this middle ground thing
like okay like okay like i don't have my windows tinted on my uh on my truck
right so
i'm at that point where i'm like okay do i need to can i go get them tinted or
can i break them all
out and hire a couple of straight up beautiful ass fucking lean lean with it
rock with it vets to
hang out the back and shoot with slingshots as i as i go as i drive like that's
where i'm at
like what things do i need to do and what things can i not like like where am i
at like okay can i
still go to the grocery or is it okay to just turn my living room into a damn
garden
okay because i got enough room for three rows of sweet patates right in front
of the damn ottoman
and right before you get to that um dual deck cd uh 10 disker
you know i there's it's it's just kind of everything's in the middle
like what do i i got two sides of my sink in my kitchen
like do i still need to just do the dishes at night or i do i need to plug both
of those bitches up
and start raising farm fresh salmon in one half of it and shrimp in the other
you feel me you know i was
gonna have some shrimp so yeah there's that middle ground there it's like okay
um or you know am i still
married to my wife like how weird does shit have to get before i'm just like
how long does the courthouse
have to be closed down before i can just kind of walk on off
you know but before the marriage certificate there's nowhere to even go cash
that thing in it
it's interesting
it's interesting because society is just like kind of a stack of things that
happen
you know man gets a little property he gets a wife and then they have a family
and then
you know enough families needed uh we're teaching their kids and say well okay
let's
you know uh we got too many kids let's hire just one person to teach them all
and so then
then one person was the best the best teacher in the neighborhood became the
teacher
and the kids all went to her and that's how a school started then you got a
school
and you say this man over here okay i'm good at making uh boots i'll make all
the boots
all right cool donnie you do the boots now buck yellow you the boot man donnie
and everybody gets their thing and it builds
but then man it's definitely there's a little bit of janga in the air
it's like okay we've been there's a lot it's been this thing's been
this thing's starting to sway in the wind a little
you know these stepkids are they how you know
they're not even really mine at this point shit's hitting the fan they're not
doing shit
they in there they on the tablets all day
they every time an orange comes off our orange tree they get out there and
sneak it
you know i'm saying daddy i don't have any vitamin c my spine's getting all
fucking
bent out
because i don't have the proper vits in me what's going on
you know it's do i still have to be a step parent like that
you know things it's going to get interesting man
but i feel you i wish they would just shut the news down and say hey look
it's every man for himself
but then also that's just a little part of me that wants that
the other part of me is like hey man
let's get shit back organized
because uh
you know because people have things that they need
that you know people are missing regular things
people are missing their birthdays they're missing this
and i was thinking what imagine
some kids miss prom this year
imagine that imagine you're in senior year of high school
and they don't have it
wouldn't that have sucked man senior year
this was it man
this was you were going to get out and everything was going to happen
you was going to maybe get a little titty or something
from your girl veronica or whatever
whatever you know varantula whatever your girl's name was
keisha whoever whoever cop you know
whoever's letting loose that evening tit
that little baby milk jug that was going to let you touch
you know what i'm saying people had plans
okay i'm going to get it you know i'm going to
i'm going to do well on basketball
i'm going to get my scholarship people had plans
what about prom
think of all the high school seniors are not getting to go to prom this year
no prom
why
dude prom was it
prom remember prom man
now you can't how you going to do what are you even going to do
you're going to order a prom you can do amazon prom
you're going to get you're going to do an amazon prom
and they're going to bring you a little
it's just a little box
and they got a you know
they got a bunch of liquor in there
and you and you have to drink it real early
and then listen to some music that you don't remember
and then they just they also in there
there's a picture of you just and it's just you got a vomit in your buddy's car
and then they already put the picture a picture together of you just passed out
and your girlfriend's driving you home because you passed out in the back
because your boy lance gave you a couple hits of bad acid bro
a couple bootleg shit his cousin made man
that little fucking paper mache
you know kaleidoscope starter
it's just
i don't know just amazing but yeah it's like
think about all the things you were that could be affected and that are being
affected
there's a you know there's just it's it's so interesting i mean
all the different down to the minutia of things the little things
somebody had a trip planned to to uh engage themselves
to get engaged to someone ask them to marry
to do family start family you know
and now that's been postponed okay our trip i don't know do i still
and now we're fighting and now we
and now we might not even be together what the hell
what the hell charlis
we was supposed to this was gonna be something we was going to barbada's
you know we had two first class tickets to barbada's
and we was gonna be lovers you know
and now we fucking fight
so it's just it's interesting man
it's interesting
and also it's interesting how many things we expected
you know how much i expected
i expected things to be the same
oh i didn't realize i was living in this system
of like um of needs and wants
i was you know this human created cosmo of society
and now it's
mother nature play you ever play uno and mother nature just
plays that uh what is it called skip bow
yeah i think that's let me see what it's called
skip bow
yeah remember that skip bow
i think it was like uno or something
and but then somebody plays skip bow and the whole shit changed whatever plans
you had
i'm gonna do three of a kind
seven of a kind
i'm gonna touch somebody's ass when the power
goes out and then steal a couple cards and cheat
people had plans but then and then somebody played skip bow or it was in the
deck
now what
now what
and you find out somebody's been touching your ass
and that's what we're doing mother nature said hey
you didn't see i got this card
you didn't see that i that there's
you living out here on my titty on my belly
y'all been out here doing this and doing nascar and doing uh
you know hedge funds and fucking
threesomes and all of that
y'all doing that on my ass on my backside on my front side on my side side
and suddenly man there's some realism
hmm
okay there's somebody else playing ball here
there's something else at work
that's nature man it's fascinating really
but the levels the levels of people that people are dealing with this at
and the different things and
and how people are handling it
it's all pretty fascinating
i think it's really fascinating honestly
um
i think it's very
fascinating
good evening good afternoon
and other times
thanks for watching that video you just saw
i mean it was okay
but
the next video you can watch
could be way better
what if you watch a video right now that changes
your life
well you could
watch this one
or
watch this one
watch this one
watch this one
watch this one
ah