Name: Theo Von: What’s Going On? Nothing!
Uploaded: 2020-04-23T16:00:23.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von: What’s Going On? Nothing!' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-04-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von: What’s Going On? Nothing!' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-04-23. Transcript available.

You know, the strangest thing
you can ask someone right now is
what are you up to?
Or what have you been up to?
Have you had someone ask you that yet?
Hey, hey man, what are you up to?
What?
What am I up to?
Nothing.
I'm up to nothing.
There is nothing to do.
Hey man, what you been doing?
Nothing.
Hey, hey, hey, buddy.
No, nothing.
Do you understand?
You know, I realized one of my buddies
is a psychopath or psycho whatever it is,
a psychopath.
He's like, hey man, what have you been doing?
Huh?
Oh, me?
Oh, yeah, man.
I just been, you know,
I just traveled.
We went to the water slide last weekend.
And, you know,
we went to DiMaggio's,
you know, that restaurant.
Nothing.
I've been doing nothing.
I've been doing nothing.
The same thing
that everybody has been doing.
No matter who you are right now,
you're doing,
I don't care if you are
Walter Disney,
you're doing nothing.
Even people that are smoking DMT right now,
no matter how hard a hit they take,
nothing happens.
Because there's nothing to do.
Hey, man,
what have you been up to?
Nothing.
Nothing, man.
Absolutely nothing.
There's nothing to do.
I think, like,
there's nothing.
I mean,
I have been,
people are like,
what have you been doing?
Well,
honestly,
what I've been doing,
usual stuff I do.
Really,
try not to masturbate
or do self-pleasure
or do self-bust.
I have been,
I have learned,
I,
I've learned that I
can cook
and then I've learned that
I don't know
any good recipes.
That's what I learned.
I learned, like,
oh, okay,
I'm willing to cook.
Like,
I find myself
just making something
that's around
my apartment.
Like,
oh, okay,
I'll have a little bit of
lettuce and oatmeal.
There could be something.
You know,
I find myself just mixing.
Oh, yeah, yeah,
I'll have a Pop-Tart
and I'll have,
you know,
I'll have a Pop-Tart
and I'll have
two orange halves
or an orange.
You know,
just like wild mixes.
Okay,
I'll have a little,
you know,
some cuts of
London Brawl
and,
you know,
and maybe
four baby Snicker
and that's dinner.
Just the,
the,
the connect,
like,
things that connect there,
that,
the,
it doesn't matter anymore.
It,
you,
you know,
before Corvette,
it was like
the afternoon's connected
to the lunchtime,
the evening's connected
to the dinner.
But now,
it don't matter.
The breakfast is connected
to the midnight snack.
It don't matter.
Oh,
rise and shine.
You know,
I got half a bag
of Cool Ranch Doritos
and,
you know,
a third of a cup of,
you know,
baby marshmallows for you.
And don't forget to have,
don't forget to squeeze,
you know,
a chunk of lime
into your mouth.
And,
and that's it.
It's just,
you know,
the,
there's the,
I'm just saying that
you can have whatever
you want right now.
And it can be a meal.
You don't even have to mix things.
Like before,
pre,
pre-Covid,
you had to mix stuff.
Oh,
you want to make a cake,
you need to get an egg,
do an egg in a bucket,
do a flour,
do some milk
or some leche,
some Mexican milk.
And do it like that
and do it
and mix it up
and throw some sprinkles in it
and put out
and do an oven.
And then,
do,
do,
do,
do,
damn,
you got a cake,
you got a birthday,
you got a cumpleaños,
you know,
circle a cake.
But,
now,
don't matter,
you want to fucking
crack an egg into your mouth?
You want to take half a dram of water,
little bit of milk,
eat a quarter stick of butter?
You know,
hide two packets of,
sugar under your tongue,
sugar in the raw?
Bam,
son,
now you've had some cake.
There's just,
the,
the,
the template is kind of blown out.
Oh,
it's lunchtime,
why don't you have a freaking,
uh,
porterhouse steak
with a Chobani yogurt?
Why don't you do,
you want to do a little,
do a Chobani,
daddy?
Do that little,
you know,
hide a fucking,
hide a half a gram of yogurt
in your little cousin's jaw.
And then,
you know,
and then beat his little ass
if you have to.
Sorry.
You know,
let him,
you know,
don't,
just hit him like in the back
and like in the fat areas.
Don't hit him anywhere
where it could hurt him.
What's going on?
I don't know.
I don't,
I don't,
it's the dumbest,
what's going on?
Nada.
Nada.
Spanish nothing.
Nothing is going on.
I've been at home.
I don't even know.
It's,
it's nice to not have to
set your alarm clock.
Isn't it?
I know some of you have children
you can't relate to,
but it's nice to not have to
set your alarm.
You know,
I don't need an alarm
for anything right now.
I don't need,
I don't,
it doesn't,
what if it's,
it doesn't matter
if it's 11.50 p.m.
or 4 a.m.
I can
watch another episode
of Schitt's Creek
and then
go back to bed.
Doesn't matter.
Doesn't matter if
it does,
it does,
nothing matters.
Nothing matters.
What's,
what's going on?
Nothing.
Nothing.
I'm just trapped
playing
with the devils
that are inside
of me.
That's what I'm doing
most of the time.
Good evening,
good afternoon
and other times.
Thanks for watching
that video you just saw.
I mean,
it was okay.
But,
the next video
you can watch
could be way better.
What if you watch
a video right now
that changes
your life?
Well,
you could.
Watch this one
or watch this one.
Watch this one.
Watch this one.
Watch this one.
Ah!