Name: Joey Diaz on Selling Subarus During the 1980's | Theo Von
Uploaded: 2020-04-24T16:00:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joey Diaz on Selling Subarus During the 1980's | Theo Von' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-04-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joey Diaz on Selling Subarus During the 1980's | Theo Von' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-04-24. Transcript available.

Crazy how I never got into robbing cars or car stereos.
I love watching them.
Because I had a buddy who used to rob car stereos.
But at one point, cars started putting a device in it
that if you stole the stereo, it wouldn't work on another car.
I think especially Subaru had the technology.
Oh, yeah, Subaru.
But I'll tell you what, bro.
When I first started working for Subaru, it was 1986.
Really?
I was living in Boulder, and I was a detailer.
But I became friends with the manager.
His name was Peter Pinto, a real street guy.
And one day, he's like, why do you wash cars?
You're like one of the best salesmen.
Just talking to you, I can buy shit from you.
And he goes, just come over on a Monday and see if you like it.
And I came over on a Monday and sold three cars and made $1,000.
At that time, I used to work 60 hours a week for like.
Washing.
I think it was $8.60 a month they would pay me.
And you made it in a day?
I'd make it in a day selling cars.
And I went, I borrowed $500 from my girlfriend's mother.
And I went and bought, you know, three jackets, three pair of pants, a pair of
shoes, a belt.
And I went and fucking knocked them fucking dead.
But I thought I was making like $7,000 to $10,000 a month.
That's huge three months.
In 1987, going to school, $7,000 a month.
Subaru selling 10 cars a month.
You get a check from them.
You get a check from Subaru.
But the lot man drove like a fucking, like an expensive BMW.
And I'm like, how can a fucking lot man sell, you know, have a BMW?
I mean, what can a lot man make, you know?
The year went by.
I stayed a loyal employee.
You know, I got into a few arguments there.
I threatened to fucking break the car with an axe window if they didn't pay me
and shit like that.
But the cops came in one day.
This was a crazy place where I worked.
It was called Crouch Subaru.
Yeah.
Crouch, and that's German, huh?
Crouch.
Crouch, huh?
You know you're going to get fucking robbed if somebody's Crouch.
C-R-O-U-C-H.
They own an Acura store today.
Yeah.
A couple Acura stores.
But in those days, that Subaru store was a fucking, a comedy.
Like, it was a comedy.
And they didn't have a lot of Subras.
Did people even know what that was then?
Yeah, no.
In Colorado, it was the number one car.
It's the number one car.
It used to be Burt Subaru.
We're the number one Subaru dealer in the world.
Wow.
They did 500 new Subarus a fucking month or something.
And then we were like number eight in the district.
But one day, the cops came, and they arrested this fucking lock guy because he
was running
a scam at the gym.
But what we also didn't know was that after you sold a car, he would talk to
you for five
minutes about your car, and he would upsell you.
Oh, he's selling shit on his side.
So this motherfucker was taking the stereos out of the GL10 sedans, the top,
and putting
it in your shitty car.
Wow.
So all these people were paying 20 grand for these high-end cars and the radio.
It's like an AM radio.
Oh.
And bro, he did it to every five.
Like when he got arrested, he had been doing this for years.
Like people were buying cars.
Made a ton of money.
A ton of money.
He was selling rims, tires.
Then the cops came in again one day and surrounded the building because we had
a salesman that
used to rob banks at lunchtime.
Oh, wow.
His name was Carlos Valverde.
I would never forget this guy.
And he had nine kids, nine fucking kids in here with the same wife.
He had been married like 30 fucking years.
Robbing that pussy as well, apparently.
He was married 30 years.
He was like 22.
He was Spanish.
Carlos Valverde.
That's as Spanish as can be, dude.
Never forget this guy.
And one day the fucking cops came and surrounded the building.
He was fucking robbing banks at lunchtime.
Him and four other guys would fucking get cars.
I mean, it was fucking crazy.
Then I got in trouble there.
Like, this car dealership was a professional thievery.
Like, the people who worked there.
Everybody was stealing from everybody.
There was a guy in there that robbed banks.
That's a great sitcom.
Everybody's stealing from everybody.
Oh, my God.
There was a guy in there that was in probation because he robbed banks.
And he just got out of jail doing 20 years for robbing banks.
The manager was a biker that would work six months of the year.
Yeah.
Like, cut his hair and shave.
And he was a great salesman.
Then the other half of the year, he was a biker.
Didn't do no drugs.
He hated drugs.
And he hated the smell of vinegar.
Wow.
So when I didn't want him there, I would come in and I'd buy a bottle of white
vinegar.
And I'd take a cap and put it in the corner of his office and spill it.
And he'd be in the office within minutes.
He'd be like, I smell vinegar.
And he'd fucking leave.
I used to get Coke bindles and tie, like, fish wire to them.
And I'd throw them on the floor by him.
And I'd roll them from my seat.
And he'd be fucking trying to step on it.
I had a great time.
That sounds so much fun, man.
But it's so funny because what I learned that year, I still do today.
Right.
Like, all the things I learned about selling cars and how you should be a salesman,
like,
I still use those principles today.
Hmm.
Like, they kept me alive in the comedy game.
Yeah.
Like, you know, so it's good evening, good afternoon and other times.
Thanks for watching that video you just saw.
I mean, it was okay.
But the next video you could watch could be way better.
What if you watch a video right now that changes your life?
Well, you could watch this one or watch this one.
Watch this one.
Watch this one.
Watch this one.
Ah!