Name: Quarantine Reports from Callers Around the World | Theo Von
Uploaded: 2020-05-01T16:00:09.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Quarantine Reports from Callers Around the World | Theo Von' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-05-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Quarantine Reports from Callers Around the World | Theo Von' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-05-01. Transcript available.

we had some calls that came in i wanted to hear how uh different places in the
world
were dealing with and and and and and what your what your corona was like your
corona time and
so we got some calls that came in here right here this is nicole from malaysia
and beautiful place
over there malaysia and i actually saw a couple of monkeys over there steal a
bag of chips from
a thick thick urban check and um and they went at least two rounds bro you
thought it was gonna end
there but you know a big girl don't want to lose that that chip sack gang shit
onward
hey theo it's nicole calling from penang malaysia hey nicole and thank you for
calling in from penang
there and malaysia i don't know i've been to malaysia actually i just told you
that and it's uh
man it's like the beach went to the beach that's how that's how beachy it is
and it is
it's humid dude i remember i took my shirt off and they had two goldfish
swimming in my belly button
i mean it's that it's humid you'll find a damn starfish come out from under
your arm
onward because in one of your recent episodes you said you wanted to hear from
more people who live
internationally we're still in quarantine over here and we probably will be
until the end of ramadan
which is near the end of may because they're real worried about people having
large gatherings for
ramadan since it's a majority muslim country shout out muslims brother shout
out slims baby all day
onward so even though we don't have a lot of cases at all we're gonna be
in lockdown for a while longer which sucks and i'm a senior in high school so
we're all just hoping that
they'll ease up on the restrictions in time for us to have graduation because
we really don't want
to miss that it's crazy here because it's actually illegal to exercise outside
so we can't run or walk
our dogs or bike outside at all and i got stopped by the police for going on a
run by myself so you
can't really be outside at all unless you have evidence that you're going to
the grocery store
and that's the only time when you can be outside so that kind of sucks because
we're really locked in
here wow oh thank you nicole thanks for uh for that message wow i can't believe
you guys are really
i mean you can't even take a dog
yeah i guess you just have to have a dog just teach a dog to what urinate
inside or use a toilet wow
that's bad that's insane but um but that's beautiful i'm glad that you know i'm
glad that
that's that you know you guys are able to i guess help the animals like that
but um yeah i mean that
makes me think at least i can go for a run you know and wow you can't exercise
you got stopped by the
police for just for fitness dude that reminds me one time i was jogging in the
midwest
and i was in a real and that's the real thick belt i don't know if you've been
to the midwest but damn
you won't i mean you'll have a thigh you know your thigh will just show up out
of nowhere they got a
damn somebody they'll you know you'll see a some fella got hamstrings with real
ham on them you're
like the hang boy that's a salty bass that's salty back strap um and i was
going for a jog and somebody
stopped some guys like he pulled over he's like you okay what's happening buddy
all right what's going
on what i was like huh i'm just he's like what are you running from man you
scared of something
like no man i'm this fitness buddy i'm doing i'm doing fitness i'm an adult man
but wow we're really putting that in perspective and you to be in school and
not know if you'll be
able to have that graduation experience wow
you know that puts it into perspective for me for sure you know we got a lot to
be grateful for
and uh i'm sorry i'm sorry that you're dealing with that your attitude seems
really good though
nicole i appreciate you sharing that with with uh with me and and you know and
just sharing a little
bit of what's going on over there and then wow yeah if it comes in a religious
territory
um which i like you know i like there being some religion and you didn't sound
negative about
it and i appreciate that you know not that you would but you know i like i
think it's a good time for
people to have faith and and the fact that you know people are going to say
okay not only have i been
going through this but that doesn't negate that i'm going to try and still have
my faith um
you know because if i you know what i'm saying i've been a half i've been one
of those kind of half
half-breed christians you know where you know you know my faith is always
you know i grew up i didn't really have a lot you know i had i was around a lot
of it
and we would go to church and stuff but in my heart i didn't really know much
um but
so that's real special that people are able to have faith and and and uh you
know that they're not
letting that discount saying okay well look you know we did the core of it so
now we don't have to do
you know we don't have to do the fasting we don't have to do this or that that's
pretty powerful
uh but thank you thank you for that update from um from the malay the malay
people over there beautiful
all right let's take another call here and this is from prague right here and
this is uh sean
hotchman let's go hotch hey theo this is sean i'm in prague in the czech
republic
thank you for calling sean from czech republic and when i actually visited
there they had a man
pickpocketed me and this guy was small this guy had the smallest damn hands bro
you couldn't even
i mean this guy oh no one you could barely feet you know he could put dude he
could almost put both
hands and both feet in your pocket and you couldn't feel it think about that
think about having
four appendages in a damn pant pocket and you can't feel the person in there
and that's dark magic
right there let's hear more i wanted to see how things were elsewhere in the
world we've been on
lockdown for about six weeks now things are slowly starting to get back to
normal as you can see
there's a bunch of other people out here on the bridge still everybody wears
their mask outside but
people are starting to go back out to the parks some of the stores are up and
back up and i think
by the middle of june things might be getting back to being more or less normal
looks like the borders
are going to be closed for the rest of the summer but uh maybe after this is
all done you can find
another european tour love to see you bye gang thanks sean interesting so yeah
that sounds pretty
similar i think things are starting to loop people people are starting to
loosen up make the choice some
people you know and that's what life is like that it's just a you know it's a
lot of just hansel and
gretel and gretel and that's who we are really we you know we're curious
creatures
damn it i'm sorry sean but yeah you get that you know people i notice it too
the traffic's getting
more in los angeles people are doing more things more thoughts trying to holler
um
more gay dudes even you know out here in la there's a thing now if you go
running if you go running on
your feet and without a mask that is a apparently it's like a pickup thing for
men that like other that
like other men and so it's like the new member if you used to put your foot out
under the uh bathroom stall
wall in minnesota or whatever you know used to drop that boot over there and
that other dude's little
shitter and then bam next thing you know you're playing freaking hide that rodney
um
but what was what we're talking about uh but what i'm telling you is or what i'm
what i'm sharing right
now is just that yeah people are going to make their own choices and so i you
know i understand when
some people are like we need to liberate we need to you know i was talking to
my brother-in-law or
something i think we might be second cousins or not second cousins but i don't
know somebody
fucked somebody honestly and that's how we're you know cousin-in-law and he was
saying well
like you have counties in texas where uh they had four cases of it so what do
those people do like
they you know how do they get back to work how do they they can't start their
universe back up um
so it's tricky man it's tricky to see but i think humans you know we're going
to have our
own sense at a certain point of when's okay to venture back out and to get
things popping and
you know feel the world and know if it's safe um
and know if it's safe for us and what our level what what's safe for me you
know i'm risky
you know i'm that risky biscuit you know what i'm saying you could put jam on
me bro you could put
pepper you could put down rubber cement on my back you know what i'm saying i'm
still a snack dog
so gang shit you feel me but uh but thank you for sharing this beautiful and if
you and and both um
both of these call these last two callers were from uh on video so if you're
watching on youtube you can see
uh these people's beautiful faces and and um and sean is from right here on on
a famous bridge right
there in prague let me see famous bridge in prague and that bridge is called
the charles bridge
named after a white so beautiful man thank you brother thanks for calling in
and be safe over there and
and and and yeah it's definitely it's like people's idea of what's safe is
different
uh people's idea of what's safe is different i did read uh that the there are
now 50 000 deaths in
the u.s from um corvid 19 coronavirus and you uh and every year the pneumonia
gets that many people
as well every year pneumonia does um and i i really believe that if we didn't
have if 20 years ago this
happened i don't think you would have heard anything about it i really don't i
don't think you would
have heard anything about it i think it would have just been like oh this year
is a strong flu season
um we have a flu that's lasted late um
and that's i i think that that's where it kind of would have landed
but now you have the 24-hour news cycle so you got to fill that news bank you
have to do it
there used to be two hours of news there was morning news and there was evening
news
and then they would do a late evening in case you was by over you know you had
a little side piece
over and y'all wanted to do you know we'll look at something before y'all went
over there and touched
each other's bodies or something or split a steak or something but but now it's
24 so so they used to be
able to pack the whole news into those three hours and some of the stories
would double over
now there's 21 more hours of news so they got to fill that with something
and that's where i think hysteria really began where the news is like okay
what can we do what and then at a certain point what's selling for us what's
keeping people hooked on
the screen uh so i really believe that and and um i really believe that if we
didn't have the 24-hour
news cycle that we wouldn't that this would just be kind of a strong flu season
that it came and gone
now i know that this is stronger this has a this thing has a higher kill rate
than other than other uh flus but
but i just think that's what it would have been
but hey what do i know right and i might be wrong also so really good chance of
that let's take one
more video call that came in and this is a gentleman from dubai right here uh
gang
what's up theo this is hunter checking in from dubai united
their emirates game gang what's up hunter thank you for checking in brother uh
from dubai onward
an american but i live here full time now i just wanted to give you some
insight on what's going
down in this country it's pretty strict right now we have handled it well and
it's been kind of
contained to one busier area the city and everywhere else is doing pretty good
but you have to apply
for a permit anytime you go outside anytime and now they've restricted it to
where you can only
leave and go places every three days so we're kind of just huddled up um hunkered
down but shout out
to companies like kareem and zamato um that's like our version of postmates
they're delivering food
still and other than that dubai's interesting it's um definitely still kind of
a third world country
scenario but um pre-covid it was very almost over employed there's virtually no
unemployment no
homelessness um to that though there is a dark side these guys aren't these
guys from like
karachi pakistan daka bangladesh and various places like that they're just they're
not getting paid well
and it's rough living scenarios and because of this now they're just not
working at all so there's
actually been a spike in homelessness and people who are stranded and the
airports are closed so they
can't get back to their home country so that is a sad thing to see but other
than that we're holding
it down um thanks for everything you do gang gang there is gang bro thank you
hunter for that
message man and that's information as well as a message wow yeah you don't
think of that you know
i mean it's i mean you do think of it maybe you do that the whole what you know
it's in every place
it's it's going on and i'm not trying to this isn't like a i'm not trying to
make this be a downer thing i'm
trying to just share what it's like from around the globe you know um you know
i'm not trying to make
us feel bad about anything i'm not trying to feel bad about it you know this is
what life is life is
i mean life think about what life has been for some people think about some man
was born imagine this
some man was born somewhere in a forest maybe or you know in like a like a like
a thick thick thick forest
and he don't know anything and he you know he grows up and he doesn't his
parents don't have much money
or whatever and he just said he does woodworking he does basic stuff and then
he you know one day he
sees maybe like um you know he sees like a a beautiful bird or something maybe
a robin like
a red robin a red-breasted robin and and that's like that's like his the best
part of his life and he
and then he dies and his family dies and and that's his life his life with that
one thing when he saw that
robin it was everything for him that was his that was his you know having a
family that was his prom that
was his you know getting married that was his that was his that was the that
was it that was his his life
um and that's a life that's a that's a beautiful life that's in its own place
the robin man but it's
different when you get you know we're used to like fancier lies getting to do
this and getting to do
that and and now some of that has just been adjusted um but thank you for that
information
from there from dubai and what it's like and that wow being stranded i would
hate that
that would be tough man because people are going to do what they're going to do
at a certain point
people want to buck little little charlie gonna buck little aside gonna buck
little yee-hom over here
or chin you know little chin strap or whatever your boy's name is viet people
gonna get buck dog
somebody's gonna fucking hum a glass bottle at a jogger you know i'm saying
people gonna start to bend a
little and see what they can good evening good afternoon and other times thanks
for watching that
video you just saw i mean it was okay but the next video you can watch could be
way better what if
you watch a video right now that changes your life well you could watch this
one or watch this one
watch this one watch this one watch this one watch this one ah

Quarantine Reports from Callers Around the World | Theo Von

we had some calls that came in i wanted to hear how uh different places in the
world
were dealing with and and and and and what your what your corona was like your
corona time and
so we got some calls that came in here right here this is nicole from malaysia
and beautiful place
over there malaysia and i actually saw a couple of monkeys over there steal a
bag of chips from
a thick thick urban check and um and they went at least two rounds bro you
thought it was gonna end
there but you know a big girl don't want to lose that that chip sack gang shit
onward
hey theo it's nicole calling from penang malaysia hey nicole and thank you for
calling in from penang
there and malaysia i don't know i've been to malaysia actually i just told you
that and it's uh
man it's like the beach went to the beach that's how that's how beachy it is
and it is
it's humid dude i remember i took my shirt off and they had two goldfish
swimming in my belly button
i mean it's that it's humid you'll find a damn starfish come out from under
your arm
onward because in one of your recent episodes you said you wanted to hear from
more people who live
internationally we're still in quarantine over here and we probably will be
until the end of ramadan
which is near the end of may because they're real worried about people having
large gatherings for
ramadan since it's a majority muslim country shout out muslims brother shout
out slims baby all day
onward so even though we don't have a lot of cases at all we're gonna be
in lockdown for a while longer which sucks and i'm a senior in high school so
we're all just hoping that
they'll ease up on the restrictions in time for us to have graduation because
we really don't want
to miss that it's crazy here because it's actually illegal to exercise outside
so we can't run or walk
our dogs or bike outside at all and i got stopped by the police for going on a
run by myself so you
can't really be outside at all unless you have evidence that you're going to
the grocery store
and that's the only time when you can be outside so that kind of sucks because
we're really locked in
here wow oh thank you nicole thanks for uh for that message wow i can't believe
you guys are really
i mean you can't even take a dog
yeah i guess you just have to have a dog just teach a dog to what urinate
inside or use a toilet wow
that's bad that's insane but um but that's beautiful i'm glad that you know i'm
glad that
that's that you know you guys are able to i guess help the animals like that
but um yeah i mean that
makes me think at least i can go for a run you know and wow you can't exercise
you got stopped by the
police for just for fitness dude that reminds me one time i was jogging in the
midwest
and i was in a real and that's the real thick belt i don't know if you've been
to the midwest but damn
you won't i mean you'll have a thigh you know your thigh will just show up out
of nowhere they got a
damn somebody they'll you know you'll see a some fella got hamstrings with real
ham on them you're
like the hang boy that's a salty bass that's salty back strap um and i was
going for a jog and somebody
stopped some guys like he pulled over he's like you okay what's happening buddy
all right what's going
on what i was like huh i'm just he's like what are you running from man you
scared of something
like no man i'm this fitness buddy i'm doing i'm doing fitness i'm an adult man
but wow we're really putting that in perspective and you to be in school and
not know if you'll be
able to have that graduation experience wow
you know that puts it into perspective for me for sure you know we got a lot to
be grateful for
and uh i'm sorry i'm sorry that you're dealing with that your attitude seems
really good though
nicole i appreciate you sharing that with with uh with me and and you know and
just sharing a little
bit of what's going on over there and then wow yeah if it comes in a religious
territory
um which i like you know i like there being some religion and you didn't sound
negative about
it and i appreciate that you know not that you would but you know i like i
think it's a good time for
people to have faith and and the fact that you know people are going to say
okay not only have i been
going through this but that doesn't negate that i'm going to try and still have
my faith um
you know because if i you know what i'm saying i've been a half i've been one
of those kind of half
half-breed christians you know where you know you know my faith is always
you know i grew up i didn't really have a lot you know i had i was around a lot
of it
and we would go to church and stuff but in my heart i didn't really know much
um but
so that's real special that people are able to have faith and and and uh you
know that they're not
letting that discount saying okay well look you know we did the core of it so
now we don't have to do
you know we don't have to do the fasting we don't have to do this or that that's
pretty powerful
uh but thank you thank you for that update from um from the malay the malay
people over there beautiful
all right let's take another call here and this is from prague right here and
this is uh sean
hotchman let's go hotch hey theo this is sean i'm in prague in the czech
republic
thank you for calling sean from czech republic and when i actually visited
there they had a man
pickpocketed me and this guy was small this guy had the smallest damn hands bro
you couldn't even
i mean this guy oh no one you could barely feet you know he could put dude he
could almost put both
hands and both feet in your pocket and you couldn't feel it think about that
think about having
four appendages in a damn pant pocket and you can't feel the person in there
and that's dark magic
right there let's hear more i wanted to see how things were elsewhere in the
world we've been on
lockdown for about six weeks now things are slowly starting to get back to
normal as you can see
there's a bunch of other people out here on the bridge still everybody wears
their mask outside but
people are starting to go back out to the parks some of the stores are up and
back up and i think
by the middle of june things might be getting back to being more or less normal
looks like the borders
are going to be closed for the rest of the summer but uh maybe after this is
all done you can find
another european tour love to see you bye gang thanks sean interesting so yeah
that sounds pretty
similar i think things are starting to loop people people are starting to
loosen up make the choice some
people you know and that's what life is like that it's just a you know it's a
lot of just hansel and
gretel and gretel and that's who we are really we you know we're curious
creatures
damn it i'm sorry sean but yeah you get that you know people i notice it too
the traffic's getting
more in los angeles people are doing more things more thoughts trying to holler
um
more gay dudes even you know out here in la there's a thing now if you go
running if you go running on
your feet and without a mask that is a apparently it's like a pickup thing for
men that like other that
like other men and so it's like the new member if you used to put your foot out
under the uh bathroom stall
wall in minnesota or whatever you know used to drop that boot over there and
that other dude's little
shitter and then bam next thing you know you're playing freaking hide that rodney
um
but what was what we're talking about uh but what i'm telling you is or what i'm
what i'm sharing right
now is just that yeah people are going to make their own choices and so i you
know i understand when
some people are like we need to liberate we need to you know i was talking to
my brother-in-law or
something i think we might be second cousins or not second cousins but i don't
know somebody
fucked somebody honestly and that's how we're you know cousin-in-law and he was
saying well
like you have counties in texas where uh they had four cases of it so what do
those people do like
they you know how do they get back to work how do they they can't start their
universe back up um
so it's tricky man it's tricky to see but i think humans you know we're going
to have our
own sense at a certain point of when's okay to venture back out and to get
things popping and
you know feel the world and know if it's safe um
and know if it's safe for us and what our level what what's safe for me you
know i'm risky
you know i'm that risky biscuit you know what i'm saying you could put jam on
me bro you could put
pepper you could put down rubber cement on my back you know what i'm saying i'm
still a snack dog
so gang shit you feel me but uh but thank you for sharing this beautiful and if
you and and both um
both of these call these last two callers were from uh on video so if you're
watching on youtube you can see
uh these people's beautiful faces and and um and sean is from right here on on
a famous bridge right
there in prague let me see famous bridge in prague and that bridge is called
the charles bridge
named after a white so beautiful man thank you brother thanks for calling in
and be safe over there and
and and and yeah it's definitely it's like people's idea of what's safe is
different
uh people's idea of what's safe is different i did read uh that the there are
now 50 000 deaths in
the u.s from um corvid 19 coronavirus and you uh and every year the pneumonia
gets that many people
as well every year pneumonia does um and i i really believe that if we didn't
have if 20 years ago this
happened i don't think you would have heard anything about it i really don't i
don't think you would
have heard anything about it i think it would have just been like oh this year
is a strong flu season
um we have a flu that's lasted late um
and that's i i think that that's where it kind of would have landed
but now you have the 24-hour news cycle so you got to fill that news bank you
have to do it
there used to be two hours of news there was morning news and there was evening
news
and then they would do a late evening in case you was by over you know you had
a little side piece
over and y'all wanted to do you know we'll look at something before y'all went
over there and touched
each other's bodies or something or split a steak or something but but now it's
24 so so they used to be
able to pack the whole news into those three hours and some of the stories
would double over
now there's 21 more hours of news so they got to fill that with something
and that's where i think hysteria really began where the news is like okay
what can we do what and then at a certain point what's selling for us what's
keeping people hooked on
the screen uh so i really believe that and and um i really believe that if we
didn't have the 24-hour
news cycle that we wouldn't that this would just be kind of a strong flu season
that it came and gone
now i know that this is stronger this has a this thing has a higher kill rate
than other than other uh flus but
but i just think that's what it would have been
but hey what do i know right and i might be wrong also so really good chance of
that let's take one
more video call that came in and this is a gentleman from dubai right here uh
gang
what's up theo this is hunter checking in from dubai united
their emirates game gang what's up hunter thank you for checking in brother uh
from dubai onward
an american but i live here full time now i just wanted to give you some
insight on what's going
down in this country it's pretty strict right now we have handled it well and
it's been kind of
contained to one busier area the city and everywhere else is doing pretty good
but you have to apply
for a permit anytime you go outside anytime and now they've restricted it to
where you can only
leave and go places every three days so we're kind of just huddled up um hunkered
down but shout out
to companies like kareem and zamato um that's like our version of postmates
they're delivering food
still and other than that dubai's interesting it's um definite