Name: A Police Officer on Domestic Violence During Shelter In Place | Theo Von
Uploaded: 2020-05-03T16:00:14.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'A Police Officer on Domestic Violence During Shelter In Place | Theo Von' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-05-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'A Police Officer on Domestic Violence During Shelter In Place | Theo Von' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-05-03. Transcript available.

You know, also, I wanted to know if there was, if law enforcement, how they
were dealing with some of the, if there was a spike in crime or what like that.
And we had a, well, we had two officers that called.
I want to get one right here.
Listen to this VM right here.
Okay, here we go.
Let's get the fuzz on the line here.
What's up, Theo?
My name's Isaiah, man.
You said any officers of the law call in with your statements about the domestics
right now raising up just because of the COVID and everything going on.
Thank you, Isaiah.
Thanks for your service and thanks for, and thanks for calling in, brother.
Let's hear more.
And yeah, man, it's been, it's been crazy out here, dude.
I mean, I think in the month of March alone, domestics where I'm from have
doubled.
I'm in the Dayton, Ohio area.
Gang shit, Dayton, baby.
Them flyers, huh?
What about your boy Troutman?
I think he just got drafted by them New Orleans Saints, boy.
You know it.
And also, if you've never been to the United Air Force Museum, I think it's
called, in Dayton,
I would go out on a limb to call it probably one of the top six museums in
America.
One of the top six American museums or museums.
Which is Spanish.
Let's hear more, sir.
So, we had a domestic, like, a couple weeks back.
Homeboy sneaking out a fire escape, dude.
He gets down this fire escape, getting out, and he fucking realizes there's no
ladder to
take him from here to there to the ground.
So, he's just stuck up there.
You know, shirtless.
He's got his shorts on.
He's like, fuck, man.
We're standing in the alley like, hey, man, you got nowhere to go.
So, you know, that's just a little glimpse of what it's like.
But, appreciate you, man.
Keep it up.
Keep up the good work.
Take care.
Thank you, sir.
I appreciate the call.
Yeah.
And that's real.
I mean, a lot of men stranded on the fire escape, aren't they?
I mean, that's just a euphemism.
I mean, that guy should run for mayor of my damn heart.
Because that is just, that should be our national bird.
A shirtless man on a fire escape with nowhere to go.
I mean, name a better one.
Didn't think you could.
And that should mean, yeah.
And two officers down there like, look, buddy.
Look, then jump.
Then jump, buccaroni, okay?
Jump.
If you survive, dude, I'll take you over there to Bucca de Beppa down there.
You know, down by the south side, down by the damn water.
And we'll buy you a freaking pepperoni bread.
Hmm.
But, yeah, that's really.
That's how I feel, though, a lot of times.
I feel shirtless.
And I feel like I'm just on the fire escape of my own life.
Praise God, brother.
Thank you for that, sir.
And you guys stay safe out there.
But, yeah, domestics are going up.
Domestics going up on a Sunday.
You know that shit's getting hot.
You know it's getting hot in the house.
A lot of spouses saying, hey, honey, will you turn the AC on?
It is on, okay?
It is on, Ronald.
It's ladies' night.
It is on.
Cut it on, Jack.
The AC is, oh, really?
Dang, because it's hot in here.
It sure is.
That's because we got 200 degrees of your bullshit.
And a lot of these thotty-ass ladies out there, too, being sneaky and being a
little snack-a-dactyls.
You know, and texting different men and stuff like this and Facebook and they
college heroes and shit.
I'm telling you, man, these domestics, it's because you can't put, if you put
too much fire in a furnace, bro, something's going to get cooked.
And, hey, look, I hate to say it, but we might end up with a few beautiful
episodes of Dateline out of all of this.
And I don't want people to die, but I do want more Dateline.
And you just, you know, you've got to wonder how that will all work out.
We had another officer of the law that called in.
Let's get that call here.
Hey, CEO, this is Kyle out in St. Louis, Missouri.
What's up, Kyle, out of St. Louis?
And St. Louis is famous for the Arch and also for this comedian's up-and-coming
comedian, Chris D'Elia, actually.
He's canceled there doing his show there.
Let's hear more.
In my garage gym, doing some prison yard workout, lifting, nothing, trying not
to get too fat.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, that prison yard workout, that's nice to do by yourself and not have to
do an actual prison where after the workout, you've got to watch some guy bust
out.
You know what I'm saying?
You've got to at least stand there and look excited while somebody jacks off so
you don't get, you know, abused or sexually abused.
Gang, bro.
Don't worry.
And you pose the question of law enforcement if domestic violence is up.
My girlfriend, she happens to be a police officer, and she said the number's up
25% to 35% in her jurisdiction.
Pretty crazy stuff.
I think people need to get out, get away from each other.
She may kill me, too.
I hope not.
We both love the show.
Keep up the great work.
Be careful.
Be safe.
Gang, gang.
Gang, bro.
And thank you to your beautiful lady for her service.
Wow, dog.
Yeah, that's the thing.
You've got to get out.
Go take a drive.
Take a bike.
Get a two-seater bike and cut the back off of that bitch and do a one-seater.
You know, get in a wheelbarrow, dog, on a downhill.
Go be by yourself.
You know what I'm saying?
Live.
You've got to take some time.
Play hide and go seek.
Have your wife go count, and you drive out of town and get a motel somewhere.
I mean, that's easy.
You have to just, you know, it has to be, you know, you've got to separate from
each
other, especially if you have a weapon.
If you have a weapon, bury the weapon.
Give it to your friend.
Bury.
Give it to your friend, bury.
The original burying the weapon.
Don't fucking, you know, you don't want to put a gun in the dirt, man.
You want to, but, you know, have it somewhere else where you can't use it.
If you want to shoot a spouse, you have to do a handgun, you know, make a
little gun
with your hand, or draw a gun and throw it at them, you know, draw it on a
little sheet
of something, a legal pad.
But thank you for calling, man.
I like that, getting a prison workout, getting it done on your own.
Good evening, good afternoon, and other times.
Thanks for watching that video you just saw.
I mean, it was okay.
But the next video you could watch could be way better.
What if you watch a video right now that changes your life?
Well, you could.
Watch this one.
Or watch this one.
Watch this one.
Watch this one.
Watch this one.
Ah!