Name: Two Ounces of Kill Your Cuz | Theo Von
Uploaded: 2020-05-10T16:00:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Two Ounces of Kill Your Cuz | Theo Von' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-05-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Two Ounces of Kill Your Cuz | Theo Von' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-05-10. Transcript available.

Hey, Theo, what's up? It's me, Pat, man, from Santa Cruz, California.
What's up, Pat? From Santa Cruz.
Bro, imagine how cool it must be to grow up in a place like that.
A place that have cruise in the name of it.
Could you imagine that?
A place that have cruise.
Dude, I had some friends from a place called Big Branch.
That was the name of the place.
Big Branch.
So you know what was happening around there, boy.
Nothing.
Onward.
I woke up this morning and thought I was having a heart attack.
And basically went to the emergency room and they told me I had scoliosis, man.
Was I ever relieved to know that I wasn't numbing my chest because my ticker
was bad.
It was basically born with scoliosis, man.
It pinched a nerve and made me feel like I was going to have a heart attack.
But I got to tell you what, man.
You make me laugh all the time.
Caught you in comedy two months back.
And, dude, praise the Lord, Theo.
All right, man.
Out.
Gang, bro.
Now, scoliosis.
Look, I'm glad you're well.
And you sound.
If you're well enough to leave a voicemail, you're doing all right.
Dude, we had a guy when I was growing up.
And in college, he would get all high.
I mean, and by he, I mean all of us.
And we would smoke it all, bro.
We'd smoke whatever.
That's back when you, they didn't have as much weed.
Now, they got all kinds of different weed.
You know, they got shit.
Euthanasia is a strand.
They got left leg.
They got some shit, you know.
Kill your cousin is a new strand.
Like, what is that?
You know?
I'm trying to have a family reunion.
And everybody's got two ounces to kill your cuss.
This isn't going to end well.
But, this dude would get so high, man.
He had one.
His mom had one of those throat things.
She couldn't talk or something.
Or not talk, but she'd done so many Winstons that she blew her throat out.
So, she had to have that little, you know, that thing like the, um.
She had to put that thing up to her throat.
And he got so high that he would have to use that bitch.
He couldn't talk.
So, he'd get his mom's little case.
You know, when she was asleep, he'd get the case.
And he'd bring that thing with him.
That little safety case when we would smoke out.
So, we'd be blazed up, man.
I mean, higher than the damn Chicago fire.
And this dude, he'd be like,
Dog, let's hit the, uh.
Let's hit the Wendy's.
That's the only thing he could use was that.
Let's hit the Wendy's, papa.
So, we knew when he opened that case up that he was baked out.
His Oreos was double stuffed, bruh.
Oh, man.
I need a ride home.
He would have to use that little electric thing, bruh.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
But, man.
If you got scoliosis, how the hell did it take you so long to recognize it,
papa?
That's a children's disease.
And everybody remembers scoliosis, man.
And everybody had a different, you know.
Remember school, when you were young, you had to go to school.
Because nobody trusted you were just maybe going to be smart.
And, like, every four years at school, they would take everybody into the
cafeteria and take their shirts off.
And I remember the first time I went, I was like, damn, this is some real
German type of shit.
Um, and they would have you bend forward and show that little back beezy, baby,
that backbone.
You know, you'd have to frickin' hit that dolphin, bruh.
Yer, yer.
And the lady would stand there.
Miss Wascom or Miss Connaughton or Miss whoever.
You know, Miss Barbara.
She would stand right there.
And she would take a marker, man.
She would take a marker and just draw it straight down your back.
Oh, he's good.
This one checks out.
You know, he's straight.
He could go, you know, back to learning.
And then they had, like, one group, I guess, if you had scoliosis.
Which I thought it sounded good.
They're like, oh, we're gonna see who has scoliosis.
I'm like, oh, shit.
I hope I got it, dude.
I'm sharing a bedroom with my brother.
You know, I'm ready for a life change.
But, but it wasn't.
It was like your spine had that little hiccup.
You know, your spine got a little wandery in the middle.
That shit got a little Hansel, Hansel Gretel.
You know, your spine kind of went missing on itself a little.
You know, your spine kind of wandered off into the woods over there.
By one of your, you know.
Your spine kind of did a little detour around one of your lungs or something.
Damn.
And so they do everybody.
And anybody had that little, you know, had that HOV lane on their backbone.
And couldn't, you know, hit that dolphin.
They'd draw the little crook on their back with the marker and put them in that
special area.
I don't know what happened to those kids, man.
And Daniel, dude, everybody knows Daniel, bro.
He, I remember one time he took his shirt off and they had his spine in him.
It had the damn, uh, it went in a damn pentagram.
But like, well, that he ain't, he couldn't be real healthy.
So, but you know, Daniel, man, he's, I'm not shocked.
He probably shifted his spine into that shape by himself.
Because he's got, he makes his own choices.
Man, he made his own choices.
But I'm glad that you, I mean, if you had a childhood disease this long, you, I'm
glad you're getting on top of it.
You might want to get also checked for them, uh, el pollo pox, baby, them
chicken pox.
And what else?
Oh, getting a, um, splinter.
That's another thing kids hate.
But I'm glad you're well, brother.
Stay safe, man.
Good evening, good afternoon, and other times.
Thanks for watching that video you just saw.
I mean, it was okay.
But the next video you could watch could be way better.
What if you watch a video right now that changes your life?
Well, you could.
Watch this one.
Or, watch this one.
Watch this one.
Watch this one.
Watch this one.
Ah!