Name: The Heimlich Maneuver Story | Theo Von
Uploaded: 2020-05-13T16:00:22.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Heimlich Maneuver Story | Theo Von' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-05-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Heimlich Maneuver Story | Theo Von' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-05-13. Transcript available.

i was in new orleans for a wedding okay a fly-in friday into the big easy
go to this place pascal's manali right and it's a it's a place where you can
get seafood
and seafood you know what that is man it's different food out of the ocean or
out of water
it almost they say seafood some of the stuff they serve in louisiana easily
could have been
extradited from a ditch you know i mean they got some things like fuck if they
catch a dog that can
swim they'll grill that they will grill that thing up uh in some places in louisiana
so the word sea
i think is um you know that could be used or not used uh things in water or
things from water i think
is more applicable i mean somebody will grill up a fucking spare tire if they
find you know and call
less seafood you know but we're at this place pascal's you know we hadn't even
gotten to the
hotel or motel or wherever we're staying my buddy and his i flew in my buddy
and his girlfriend flew
in on the same flight i'm dropping them off at their airbnb and uh everybody's
hungry we stop at this
place we order some food right we're sitting there chatting suddenly somebody
across the room starts
choking or choking to death i love you know that's the thing about choking it's
like
you know people it's either i guess it's either you're choking or you're
choking to death there's not
a lot of you know middle ground when it comes to choking um and this person was
choking i guess to death
you know we would we you know it would take a while still to see so at that
time they were just choking
i guess somebody has to die to be actually choking to death even though
sometimes people like i was
choking to death but they didn't die some of the people say i was choking to
death if you don't die you
weren't you were just choking but anyhow whatever this person is choking and
they stand up and everybody's
just like sitting down like uh pretending somebody's not choking maybe to death
and her husband this guy
this this no this lady's choking you know when she had kind of a i don't know
if you ever seen napoleon
dynamite but uncle rico you ever seen that dude his uncle who could throw the
football over the mountain
she had a haircut like his you know kind of a um kind of a haircut that had
been blown blow dried way
too long you ever see somebody their hair has been blow dried way too long and
it seems just lightly
not crisped but but just it seems almost fried a little a little bit you know
air fried not fried by
something wet but fried just by air it seemed her her hair seemed kind of air
fried anyhow she's choking
and her husband i guess is trying to help but he's just like massaging her
shoulders and i'm like
what the fuck dude and so i'm trying to make eye contact with him before i try
to get over there and
help because i don't know if this dude you know i don't know what their
relationship's like maybe he's
you know trying to kill his wife or something i don't know but i don't want to
fuck up their whole
you know whatever they're trying to do or he's you know if he's if they're
maybe she's horrible to him and
this is you know he you know planned ahead on this sandwich and this is you
know the the meal that's
going to take her out you know maybe he can't afford a cruise you know a lot of
people take
their spouse on a cruise and they push them overboard while they've been
drinking maybe this guy's like
you know i'm gonna save money on a six hundred dollar cruise ticket and just
hit up this you know
you know 14 dollar you know oyster po'boy here in new orleans anyhow so she's
choking this dude's like
massaging her shoulders so i'm i'm like i'm gonna stay out of this because i
don't want to
you know ruin whatever money this dude's trying to make or you know whatever
and then the waiter comes
in everybody else is just kind of chilling i stand up and i'm like does anybody
know
you know what's going on over here and it's a small room we're in there's only
probably 13 people
in the whole room and there's about maybe 12 tables and one of the tables is a
five top so
i mean this lady's like spitting and like i don't know if you've ever been
choking or not but it's
pretty intense if you've ever been like choking choking possibly to death that
is intense you
know and your your face and your your your throat starts making all this extra
saliva you know you
start turning your whole head turns into like a water slide i mean you start
dripping out of your
eyes and your nose and everything because you're you know your body's trying to
lube your whole universe
up so you can get this whatever's inside of you so it'll pop out and this lady's
i mean dripping
she's like crying and there's you know grease coming out her pores and like you
know her ears are like
saliva just swirling at her ears and everything i mean she's this lady's lubed
up i mean you think
she's ready for some type of gangbang if she wasn't choking possibly to death
man i tell you dude this so
this waiter comes over and he straps on the heimlich bro this start this dude
straps on the heimlich and
he was the skinniest waiter you know i'm not accusing anybody of different you
know
you know extracurricular activities but i've worked on the pizza line i used to
work make make pizza
with a guy on methamphetamines and them boys can put in work you know and they
don't weigh much i mean
this this dude had this guy i worked with would wear a belt but he would have
to tie the belt
you know in his his what his waist was basically just a forearm with a spine in
it you know and some
organs and some lean organs i mean this boy was lean and so i've been around
these fellas that's
jacked up on them uppers you know that they call it high diving you know when
you're on them uppers
constantly because you live in it 60 feet you know when it's a i mean you your
world is just a bouncy
board up there anything can happen that fall can be fast and and this this guy
this lean fella
starts doing heimlich on this lady and this lady's a you know she's a middleweight
light heavyweight
maybe you know she kind of she's not she's like a buster douglas kind of if you
will if you want
to use fight in terminology she's she's sort of a buster douglas um and as he
pulls on her his whole
body is coming up off of the ground so this this guy is heimlich and this lean
this lean fella dude
he's heimlich and her it looked like a skeleton trying to fuck like a big
animal as he's pulling his
his whole his whole body is bucking on her like his whole his feet are coming
up off the ground his
momentum and she's just i mean this and suddenly there's just kind of like a
like a like that like
and just this big splash of like you know whatever it was whatever it jacked
her system up
just just just kind of just attacked it just flew i mean they had liquid flew
out of her eyes nose and
mouth you know the trifecta you know i mean it was it was artful almost it was
something you'd see at
disneyland around sun around sunset when they do the big water display and the
water kind of jumps from
one hole to the other and they're playing the music you know be our best be our
best you know um
and the music's you know everybody was kung fu fighting and just the waters are
jumping
and landing in other holes and it's like this perfect thing it was like that
man it hit the air
and it was just like and just splashed and then everything was done and it was
over
and it was awkward man it was so awkward and i didn't know what to do so i
started a round of applause because otherwise i'm thinking here well first of
all the lady lived
you know if somebody lives hell yeah you know even if her husband had a plan or
he was caught up in
the dark arts in his brain you know he was thinking about murder he'd been googling
stuff that was
dangerous then would come back to haunt him you know on a dateline episode
whatever you know i mean i could
see some you know fella thinking about taking his wife out via via sandwich
that's an easy that's a
17 kill you know uh but this guy you know i got started this round of applause
is a round of applause
going and uh and that kind of broke the awkwardness man and i've been there let
me tell you i have been
there okay i've had uh uh reactions if i have and this is like and i'll know
now because i'm giving this
secret out to people but if i have tuna fish and gatorade same time just
straight tune out the can
albacore you know none of the cheap shit but if i go albacore that white meat
you know that front meat that that breast of the fish immediately uh
if i have that with gatorade my throat shuts down i mean closes up i remember
being in a hotel in
chicago you know i'm hitting myself with that gatorade that thirst quencher and
i'm popping off
uh i got one of them bags and cold bags of of tuna fish because sometimes they
used to have for a
while and they may still have them because it's hard to get into a can of tuna
i mean i remember
seeing a homeless guy beat open a can of tuna with an umbrella once in santa
monica and i'm like
fuck that dude you know that's that's aggressive for some fish you know for
some low-key fish that's
aggressive so i'll i know that i'm not that kind of guy you know i'm not that
kind of guy i'm not the
guy that beats open a can of tuna for you know with a with a you know with a
weather prevention
utensil but when when i mixed it so that for a while they had it in a bag and
it was just a bag
you could seal tight you would open it and you could get to the tuna right
there immediately there's a
tuna it was kind of this metal pouch pouch that's a better term than bag so i
was in my hotel room
i'm running late i just hit the gym i want to get you know electrolytes and get
my protein in so i hit
up a 7-eleven on the way to my room grab me a uh a bag of that snack fish that
low-key snack fish
and a gatorade and the gatorade man right when it hit my throat and i had the
tuna in my mouth and
throat my shit closed up locked so i'm in my hotel room and my shit is locking
locking bro you ever see
like on those movies where somebody attacks like a uh or somebody you know
tries to i think like maybe
star wars where somebody tries to get onto the you know the space vessel and
the doors start closing
whenever they're you know finally are stealing it or whatever and the the
sliding doors are to start
locking down like it was like that i mean my throat started locking locking i
mean no entry dude i am
reaching down my own throat i don't know if you ever reached down your throat
for something
you know um i'm trying to think what i would compare it to first of all never
would i think
i could get my hand down my throat until i have to dude i was just trying to
hold my throat open so i
could get air in and out of it man my throat keeps locking i try to call the
phone uh try to call
the front desk i can't i'm like go into the hall right into the hall i have my
toothbrush in my hand
because i'm trying to push that in my throat and like hold it to the side to
hold my throat open go
into the hall there's a man dude a man i'm pretty sure my eyes were watery
could have been a you know
i mean it's chicago it could have been a lesbian could have been a hearty
lesbian
you know you know a third degree lesbian and and i am pulling on this person's
pants just pulling on
the front of their pants by their pockets like on my knees like basically
motioning this toothbrush
down my throat and at first i think the dude or the i think it's a man now
pretty sure more i remember
my memory's getting stronger because i have one of those memories that gets
stronger you know some
people memory that gets weaker my memory gets stronger so i'm pulling on this
man's front
pockets and everything and at first i think he thinks i'm in caught up in some
you know on some
cocaine and i'm probably doing some shit off a back page and i'm running some
illegalities
you know i'm probably in my room raising turtles you know what i'm saying bro i'm
probably in my room
you know making homemade pesticides and eating fucking barbiturate soup up in
my hotel room
you know i'm probably making bathtub gin and fucking you know making towels out
of
you know a dead woman's hair or something he probably thinks i'm caught up in
something
because if you run out into the hallway and you're motioning the toothbrush
down your throat
you know that has a kind of like an oral sex kind of vibe to it and you're
crying and everything
uh but eventually this guy got what was going on dude and this man is holding a
toothbrush inside
of my mouth to keep my throat open and after about maybe 45 seconds of that it
passed
it passed bro and then this dude is like i gotta run and literally took off
like i don't know if he was like a like a clark kent kind of dude that does
this shit
you know it was just wandering around looking for people to help but he helped
me and took off could
not even get his information could not even get his information man i could
barely get his gender or
sexuality so but so that's what happened right when i got to new warland
somebody was choking to death
or possibly to death and you know and they didn't and then they sat and they
finished eating they had
dessert they had other other things snacks you know and i kept trying to catch
the husband's face he seemed
i mean what was he gonna do massage her shoulders as she died which would be so
awkward you're dying
somebody's giving you like a nice massage ah interesting good evening good
afternoon and other times
thanks for watching that video you just saw i mean it was okay but the next
video you could watch could
be way better what if you watch a video right now that changes your life well
you could watch this one
or watch this one watch this one watch this one watch this one ah

The Heimlich Maneuver Story | Theo Von

i was in new orleans for a wedding okay a fly-in friday into the big easy
go to this place pascal's manali right and it's a it's a place where you can
get seafood
and seafood you know what that is man it's different food out of the ocean or
out of water
it almost they say seafood some of the stuff they serve in louisiana easily
could have been
extradited from a ditch you know i mean they got some things like fuck if they
catch a dog that can
swim they'll grill that they will grill that thing up uh in some places in louisiana
so the word sea
i think is um you know that could be used or not used uh things in water or
things from water i think
is more applicable i mean somebody will grill up a fucking spare tire if they
find you know and call
less seafood you know but we're at this place pascal's you know we hadn't even
gotten to the
hotel or motel or wherever we're staying my buddy and his i flew in my buddy
and his girlfriend flew
in on the same flight i'm dropping them off at their airbnb and uh everybody's
hungry we stop at this
place we order some food right we're sitting there chatting suddenly somebody
across the room starts
choking or choking to death i love you know that's the thing about choking it's
like
you know people it's either i guess it's either you're choking or you're
choking to death there's not
a lot of you know middle ground when it comes to choking um and this person was
choking i guess to death
you know we would we you know it would take a while still to see so at that
time they were just choking
i guess somebody has to die to be actually choking to death even though
sometimes people like i was
choking to death but they didn't die some of the people say i was choking to
death if you don't die you
weren't you were just choking but anyhow whatever this person is choking and
they stand up and everybody's
just like sitting down like uh pretending somebody's not choking maybe to death
and her husband this guy
this this no this lady's choking you know when she had kind of a i don't know
if you ever seen napoleon
dynamite but uncle rico you ever seen that dude his uncle who could throw the
football over the mountain
she had a haircut like his you know kind of a um kind of a haircut that had
been blown blow dried way
too long you ever see somebody their hair has been blow dried way too long and
it seems just lightly
not crisped but but just it seems almost fried a little a little bit you know
air fried not fried by
something wet but fried just by air it seemed her her hair seemed kind of air
fried anyhow she's choking
and her husband i guess is trying to help but he's just like massaging her
shoulders and i'm like
what the fuck dude and so i'm trying to make eye contact with him before i try
to get over there and
help because i don't know if this dude you know i don't know what their
relationship's like maybe he's
you know trying to kill his wife or something i don't know but i don't want to
fuck up their whole
you know whatever they're trying to do or he's you know if he's if they're
maybe she's horrible to him and
this is you know he you know planned ahead on this sandwich and this is you
know the the meal that's
going to take her out you know maybe he can't afford a cruise you know a lot of
people take
their spouse on a cruise and they push them overboard while they've been
drinking maybe this guy's like
you know i'm gonna save money on a six hundred dollar cruise ticket and just
hit up this you know
you know 14 dollar you know oyster po'boy here in new orleans anyhow so she's
choking this dude's like
massaging her shoulders so i'm i'm like i'm gonna stay out of this because i
don't want to
you know ruin whatever money this dude's trying to make or you know whatever
and then the waiter comes
in everybody else is just kind of chilling i stand up and i'm like does anybody
know
you know what's going on over here and it's a small room we're in there's only
probably 13 people
in the whole room and there's about maybe 12 tables and one of the tables is a
five top so
i mean this lady's like spitting and like i don't know if you've ever been
choking or not but it's
pretty intense if you've ever been like choking choking possibly to death that
is intense you
know and your your face and your your your throat starts making all this extra
saliva you know you
start turning your whole head turns into like a water slide i mean you start
dripping out of your
eyes and your nose and everything because you're you know your body's trying to
lube your whole universe
up so you can get this whatever's inside of you so it'll pop out and this lady's
i mean dripping
she's like crying and there's you know grease coming out her pores and like you
know her ears are like
saliva just swirling at her ears and everything i mean she's this lady's lubed
up i mean you think
she's ready for some type of gangbang if she wasn't choking possibly to death
man i tell you dude this so
this waiter comes over and he straps on the heimlich bro this start this dude
straps on the heimlich and
he was the skinniest waiter you know i'm not accusing anybody of different you
know
you know extracurricular activities but i've worked on the pizza line i used to
work make make pizza
with a guy on methamphetamines and them boys can put in work you know and they
don't weigh much i mean
this this dude had this guy i worked with would wear a belt but he would have
to tie the belt
you know in his his what his waist was basically just a forearm with a spine in
it you know and some
organs and some lean organs i mean this boy was lean and so i've been around
these fellas that's
jacked up on them uppers you know that they call it high diving you know when
you're on them uppers
constantly because you live in it 60 feet you know when it's a i mean you your
world is just a bouncy
board up there anything can happen that fall can be fast and and this this guy
this lean fella
starts doing heimlich on this lady and this lady's a you know she's a middleweight
light heavyweight
maybe you know she kind of she's not she's like a buster douglas kind of if you
will if you want
to use fight in terminology she's she's sort of a buster douglas um and as he
pulls on her his whole
body is coming up off of the ground so this this guy is heimlich and this lean
this lean fella dude
he's heimlich and her it looked like a skeleton trying to fuck like a big
animal as he's pulling his
his whole his whole body is bucking on her like his whole his feet are coming
up off the ground his
momentum and she's just i mean this and suddenly there's just kind of like a
like a like that like
and just this big splash of like you know whatever it was whatever it jacked
her system up
just just just kind of just attacked it just flew i mean they had liquid flew
out of her eyes nose and
mouth you know the trifecta you know i mean it was it was artful almost it was
something you'd see at
disneyland around sun around sunset when they do the big water display and the
water kind of jumps from
one hole to the other and they're playing the music you know be our best be our
best you know um
and the music's you know everybody was kung fu fighting and just the waters are
jumping
and landing in other holes and it's like this perfect thing it was like that
man it hit the air
and it was just like and just splashed and then everything was done and it was
over
and it was awkward man it was so awkward and i didn't know what to do so i
started a round of applause because otherwise i'm thinking here well first of
all the lady lived
you know if somebody lives hell yeah you know even if her husband had a plan or
he was caught up in
the dark arts in his brain you know he was thinking about murder he'd been googling
stuff that was
dangerous then would come back to haunt him you know on a dateline episode
whatever you know i mean i could
see some you know fella thinking about taking his wife out via via sandwich
that's an easy that's a
17 kill you know uh but this guy you know i got started this round of applause
is a round of applause
going and uh and that kind of broke the awkwardness man and i've been there let
me tell you i have been
there okay i've had uh uh reactions if i have and this is like and i'll know
now because i'm giving this
secret out to people but if i have tuna fish and gatorade same time just
straight tune out the can
albacore you know none of the cheap shit but if i go albacore that white meat
you know that front meat that that breast of the fish immediately uh
if i have that with gatorade my throat shuts down i mean closes up i remember
being in a hotel in
chicago you know i'm hitting myself with that gatorade that thirst quencher and
i'm popping off
uh i got one of them bags and cold bags of of tuna fish because sometimes they
used to have for a
while and they may still have them because it's hard to get into a can of tuna
i mean i remember
seeing a homeless guy beat open a can of tuna with an umbrella once in santa
monica and i'm like
fuck that dude you know that's that's aggressive for some fish you know for
some low-key fish that's
aggressive so i'll i know that i'm not that kind of guy you know i'm not that
kind of guy i'm not the
guy that beats open a can of tuna for you know with a with a you know with a
weather prevention
utensil but when when i mixed it so that for a while they had it in a bag and
it was just a bag
you could seal tight you would open it and you could get to the tuna right
there immediately there's a
tuna it was kind of this metal pouch pouch that's a better term than bag so i
was in my hotel room
i'm running late i just hit the gym i want to get you know electrolytes and get
my protein in so i hit
up a 7-eleven on the way to my room grab me a uh a bag of that snack fish that
low-key snack fish
and a gatorade and the gatorade man right when it hit my throat and i had the
tuna in my mouth and
throat my shit closed up locked so i'm in my hotel room and my shit is locking
locking bro you ever see
like on those movies where somebody attacks like a uh or somebody you know
tries to i think like maybe
star wars where somebody tries to get onto the you know the space vessel and
the doors start closing
whenever they're you know finally are stealing it or whatever and the the
sliding doors are to start
locking down like it was like that i mean my throat started locking locking i
mean no entry dude i am
reaching down my own throat i don't know if you ever reached down your throat
for something
you know um i'm trying to think what i would compare it to first of all never
would i think
i could get my hand down my throat until i have to dude i was just trying to
hold my throat open so i
could get air in and out of it man my throat keeps locking i try to call the
phone uh try to call
the front desk i can't i'm like go into the hall right into the hall i have my
toothbrush in my hand
because i'm trying to push that in my throat and like hold it to the side to
hold my throat open go
into the hall there's a man dude a man i'm pretty sure my eyes were watery
could have been a you know
i mean it's chicago it could have been a lesbian could have been a hearty
lesbian
you know you know a third degree lesbian and and i am pulling on this person's
pants just pulling on
the front of their pants by their pockets like on my knees like basically
motioning this toothbrush
down my throat and at first i think the dude or the i think it's a man now
pretty sure more i remember
my memory's getting stronger because i have one of those memories that gets
stronger you know some
people memory that gets weaker my memory gets stronger so i'm pulling on this
man's front
pockets and everything and at first i think he thinks i'm in caught up in some
you know on some
cocaine and i'm probably doing some shit off a back page and i'm running some
illegalities
you know i'm probably in my room raising turtles you know what i'm saying bro i'm
probably in my room
you know making homema