Name: Theo Von on Pets
Uploaded: 2020-06-01T18:15:41.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von on Pets' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-06-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von on Pets' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-06-01. Transcript available.

And for me, like, I've never been a pet lover, and I, you know, and I know that
hurts some people to hear, but I grew up in an environment where you didn't
have, I didn't, nobody had a fucking pet when I was young, okay?
You know, I saw a blind kid one time get chased by two bats, that's really the
first experience I ever had with animals, and that shit is, and then I got
attacked by dogs on one of my birthdays, I got attacked by cats on one of my
birthdays.
A cat came off this roof one time of a camper and fucking got me right around
my clavicle when we were about to go to the river one time, couldn't even go,
you know, had to get rabies, tetanus shots, all of that, so I haven't had good
experience, and nobody in my neighborhood had a, nobody had a pet, nobody had a
fucking PET, a pet is something you touch that is an animal, okay?
People had animals, you know, they had that dog that live over there by
Wellington's house, by Danny Wellington's, have you seen that dog?
People are like, is that Danny's dog?
Fuck, no, that ain't Danny's dog, okay?
That dog's from somewhere else, that dog could be from Nebraska, it's mixed,
the dog is mixed, you know, it looks kind of half, you know, maybe half
Scottish,
half African-American, and that thing's out there fucking people up, by Danny
Wellington's, that ain't, that's nobody's dog, I remember the first time I ever
saw a pet indoors, and that was a pet, that's a dog you can touch?
That doesn't, it's not gonna, you know, that's not gonna, that's not gonna try
and attack you, or wrangle you, or get some blood out of your body with its
teeth?
Yeah, we didn't have all that.
So when I see these people come, you know, when I see, you know, and I'm in the
safe confines of this, of this ranch, man, it just made me, for the first time
in my life, I kind of felt what it was like to be an animal lover.
Really, and you know, and that shows me that a lot of times it's just about, it's
just about that safety, feeling that safety around animals, and feeling, I
guess, you know, I grew up in such fear of them that I wasn't able to love, it's
hard to love from a place of fear.
It's really, really hard, and that's one thing I've even found, I'm not trying
to get emo here, but one thing I found about myself as a person, that when I
was a child, I must have been so fearful as a child, that it was hard for me to
learn about love, because I couldn't, it's really hard to love from a place of
fear, because love is just, it's a lot of trust.
Love is just as much trust as you can put together.
I mean, it's just a really fancy, fancy buffet of trust, you know, you got a
little bit of trust pudding, and you got some, you know, you got some trust ruffles,
and you got some trust truffles, and you got trust flakes, and trust cracklings
over here, and then you got the boil trust, and the bake trust, and the merman
trust, and that's that trust buffet, that's love.
But, man, when you don't have that growing up, and you feel fearful, then it's
hard to love things, it's hard to love people, it's hard to love yourself,
really, but that's what happened to me with them animals.
You know, every time I went outdoors, it was fucking, you know, gang gang, son,
who wants a piece of daddy, you know, trying to punch at these crows that were
trying to attack us, or, you know, people, you know, dogs coming at us, you
know, not to mention the lice belt.
Don't even tell me I didn't grow up in the lice belt.
You know, next thing you know, you're walking with a friend, next thing you
know, he hits the dirt, and he's scratching his head, and you don't know what
happened.
You think invisible lightning got him.
No, it didn't.
No.
It didn't.
That's lice.
And that's the devil's invisible crawling lightning.
And that's head lice.
And so it just, you know, it was hard to love animals when you couldn't trust
them.
Because I'm going to be honest, if people want to say all animals, all animals
aren't trustworthy and all that, let's don't get into that shit.
Okay?
Some of these animals are out there just trying to catch it, just get that next
hit, to buy that next gram.
Okay?
To cop that next piece of ass.
Not every animal is nice.
You know, if you remember Roger Rabbit, and they have those three or four weasels,
those sneaky weasels, trying to bang that chick with the red hair.
Yeah.
Remember Scrooge McDuck?
The Beagle Boys?
They're dogs, dude.
Yeah.
And they were bank robbers.
And I know, you're like, oh, those are drawings.
I know they're drawings, but they're based on real life, you idiot.
And that's what I'm saying.
Not all animals are great.
But when you don't trust them, you don't have that trust.
Good evening, good afternoon, and other times.
Thanks for watching that video you just saw.
I mean, it was okay.
But the next video you could watch could be way better.
What if you watch a video right now that changes your life?
Well, you could.
Watch this one.
Or, watch this one.
Watch this one.
Watch this one.
Watch this one.
Ah!