Name: Animal Rights Around the World | Theo Von
Uploaded: 2020-06-23T16:00:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Animal Rights Around the World | Theo Von' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-06-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Animal Rights Around the World | Theo Von' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-06-23. Transcript available.

Here, in America, animals get more rights because we don't need them as much.
Animals get extra rights here. You might see two gay dogs getting married here
in New Hampshire or over in Albuquerque. You might see a couple of gay Dobermans
out there doing sex and looking for ring shopping.
Here in Beverly Hills, last year they had a famous Bichon that a lady tried to
get a nose job for it. It wasn't appeasing some of the selfies and stuff she
was taking. For her, it wasn't good enough.
It wasn't a goat that he rescued or something. Now he's walking it over there
on Santa Monica Boulevard or in West Hollywood.
But that's just because you don't have necessity for the animals here. You know,
you get up into Montana, you get up into Mississippi.
They got people, they see a deer, they're going to gun it down. But they're
going to eat it.
They're not just, you know, they're not just drive-by shooting animals. You
know, they use them. The animals are of necessity.
And when you get out there to Africa, you get out there to the big black
continent.
You know, the big, that big mysterious, that Mother Earth.
And that thing is just the damn womb of the world.
If you haven't been to Africa and looked into an African man's eyes, that's
where they got the idea for Lion King.
If you haven't, look, I've been to, I think I've been to Africa maybe six,
seven times.
And you look into a Kenyan man's eyes, you can see the beginning of humanity.
And I know that might sound wild to you, but their eyes just go so much deeper
than a lot of other, than a lot of the eyes here in America.
Because we got new eyes here.
You know, this country's only been around for so long.
You know, but you get into the, you get into the depth, into those, you know,
visual swimming pools.
You know, those wading waters that are sitting in a, in a, in an African man's
skull.
You can really, and I'm, I'm serious here, you can see back into the, almost
the beginning of time.
You know, a lot of people out there are looking in space.
Elon Musk out there hunting around in space, how to travel through time.
Well, I'll say this, if you shoot, you fire me good and hard and concise and
you organize me enough and you shoot me right into a, into a, into a real black
African man's eye sockets.
I bet you I show up a million years in the past, and I'll be back there just
bare, just bareback riding a, a damn Valorosa saptusticus.
You know, I'll be back there.
I'll be back there on one of them snackadactyls, you know.
And those are beautiful animals that only eat snacks.
Imagine that, no meals.
Lunch, dinner, breakfast, brunch, fuck all that.
Snackadackle eats when it wants to.
It doesn't live by these codes.
A snackadackle eat when it wants to.
Other people sitting down for dessert, a snackadackle break out a bowl of
fucking cereal at 4 a.m.
Because that's how they behave.
But back to my original thought now.
So in some places they kill animals, they need them, it's a necessity.
And when you get to Africa, okay, when you get to that big A, you know, where
Indiana Jones went a couple times looking for treasure.
When you get there, you see a couple caterpillars go by, that's like bison,
okay?
That is moving lunch right there in places where people are starving.
And that's real stuff.
So you get over there, that's a real deal.
You know, people are like, you hear that in the middle of the night, they're
like, I think I hear something.
And somebody look outside and it's just a caterpillar.
But that don't mean anything.
It means you get the spears out.
Because that's lunch.
You know, that could be dinner.
And I'll tell you this story.
I was in Vietnam.
I might have told this story before.
I have a very short-term, long-term memory loss.
And I was in Vietnam.
And, you know, you can go to the markets there.
And they kill an animal right there for you in the market.
You know what I'm saying?
You want an owl?
You want a little bit of owl meat?
Chop, chop.
And next thing you know, they got a, you know, they got the owl right there.
They got a, you know, no birth certificate.
This ain't no cabbage patch fucking cutlery place.
This is the real deal.
They got an owl.
You know, chop, chop.
You know, they got a, um, aardvark.
You want a little bit of aardvark?
Next thing you know, they crack, crack.
Cracked open a spine of aardvark.
You know, and they got, you know, they pouring a marrow into a cup.
And they dipping you out.
A couple of vark medallions, you know.
Next thing you know, you rolling out of there with eight little cuts of, you
know, vark.
So people, you know, you go into these Vietnamese markets.
Anything is a meat.
What do you want?
You want a little bit of, I mean, look, dude, if some, if some, uh, some
visitors went missing, dude, I guarantee you they show up on a menu in a market.
You want two pounds of Kathy?
Huh?
You want a couple grams of Andy?
We got him.
So I went in there and I was thinking, you know, with these American thoughts,
you know, I went in there like, oh, they got a pit.
They had a couple of, uh, pigeons in there, you know, or might've been, uh,
what is it?
Um, some of God's canaries, you know, uh, couple of partridges.
They had a couple of partridges in there in a cage.
You could buy them, you know, dollar a partridge.
So I'm thinking I'll get me a, a partridge.
I'm going to set it free.
I'm going to change the game.
You know, I'm going to be this big, you know, fancy fella here.
I'm going to come in here and show these Viettes how to change the game by
setting animals free.
Dude, I bought one dollar for a, uh, partridge, right?
Get that partridge.
I'll run outside.
I mean, this is my moment in the sun, you know, this is my, uh, this is, I let
that, that partridge loose, man.
I tell you immediately eight different Vietnamese people jumped on this partridge.
They had a, one dude pulled a sword out of his belt and went right at the partridge,
dude.
Another dude came rolling off of a tree branch, dropped down on a rope and
tried to snatch for it.
Another, I mean, people came, it was like, it was choreographed by the Lord.
It was just not just eight different levels of partridge attackers.
And one guy got to it first, right?
Grabbed it right out there in the wild, in the open, you know, in a parking lot
by a Vietnamese.
The Vietnamese market snapped its neck, did a neck snap on that partridge, you
know?
I'm not talking L5S1, dude.
I'm talking L9.
I'm talking about up top.
Snapped its neck and just put it right on his shoulder.
Because the Vietnamese have small little shoulders, you know, barely could hold
a book on them.
Barely could really hold a small book or a notepad.
Kind of probably comfortably set a notepad, but they got very, very small
shoulders.
And he walked off.
And that's when I realized, wow.
Yeah, animal rights, definitely.
But these people aren't killing these partridges over here because, for fun.
That man was going home.
That man was going to have Thanksgiving dinner or whatever.
You know, Vietnamese holiday supported a meal.
That man was going to feed his family.
So, I guess if you got a meal, man, get your meal.
You know, I know I'm going to go over to Mississippi this year for Christmas
Eve.
I spend my Christmas Eve in Mississippi.
And you know that somebody is going to be sharing up a rare meat over there.
You know?
And, dude, I will find a way to get a little bit of dove or some venison.
Or, hell, if they had vark, I'd have a slice of that.
You know, I don't know what they'll have.
You know, turtle.
You know?
A little bit of horse or something.
Whatever.
Good evening.
Good afternoon.
And other times.
Thanks for watching that video you just saw.
I mean, it was okay.
But the next video you could watch could be way better.
What if you watch a video right now that changes your life?
Well, you could.
Watch this one.
Or, watch this one.
Watch this one.
Watch this one.
Watch this one.
Ah!