Name: Stuck Yoovah | Theo Von
Uploaded: 2020-06-29T16:00:09.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Stuck Yoovah | Theo Von' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-06-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Stuck Yoovah | Theo Von' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-06-29. Transcript available.

Man, I remember, you know, when I was young, you were just happy to have
whatever.
And the only goal when you were a child when I was young was not to get your
ass beat by your mother or your father.
I remember this boy, one of the Yuva kids, they had his family that lived down
the street from us called the Yuvas.
And this one boy stuck, I don't know what his full name was, Stanislaus or
something.
I think they were from, they might have been Dutch.
I mean, I don't know if they were Dutch or not.
They were pieces of shit, but they might have been, you know, Dutch shit.
But they, the Yuvas had this, one of the boys stuck.
He'd had his, and it's a nickname, that was a nickname, Stanislaus I think was
his real name.
But he had his fingers glued together, two of his fingers.
And I mean, you know, not just a line of super glue, I'm talking a whole damn,
you know, one of those green bottles with the red cap.
They'd really put it on him.
And he had two, I mean, he was just a dang, you know, a Weeblo scout all the
time.
He had that double up, you know.
And he couldn't get them off, never got them separated.
As long as I knew him, which was probably nine years.
And so he would always suck on his fingers, you know.
And he would just enjoy that glue, enjoy that hit, you know.
And, um, shit, I don't even know where this story was going.
What were we talking about?
What were we talking about when you, oh, so one time he stayed over.
So one time Stuck stayed the night at my place.
My mother's house that I lived in when I was a child because we all lived
together because we were a family.
And, uh, and this is when we were still a family.
When we were still, you know, all living together.
And, um, and my, and, and we, and so our big thing was sneak down at night,
make, you know, cook some shit in the oven.
Some basic ass shit, crackers, you know, maybe a little bit of cheese on them,
maybe a little bit of a, you know, fucking just bop them up with that American
slice, you know.
Maybe take a slice of American and cut it in a four.
Bam, bam.
You know, put them crackers, you know, get them, you know, throw a little
pepper on them bitches, you know, fire them up.
And we'd get that oven heated, get that oven, you know, cranking.
But, you know, the light from the kitchen, it could hit the, under the doorway
of my mother's room.
And if I made too much noise, she could hear us.
So you didn't want mom to hear us and you wanted to get that food made.
And one of the most amazing things I ever saw was one time we had the oven open,
right?
And the Uvas were one of the toughest families I've ever met in my life.
One of them had, I mean, this kid might have had, damn, two spines in his back.
And something had happened to his teeth, it all grew in on one side of his
mouth.
It was just one huge tooth.
I mean, this tooth was probably two and a half inches long.
And when that thing broke through his gums, I mean, I can't even imagine when
he was teething as a child.
You know, the rest of us had to have ointment and gel and, you know, get Novocaine
shot up just for sprouting a couple little enamel nuggets.
You know, a couple little, little, a couple little baby ghosts.
And here he had this two and a half inch Grim Reaper rolling out of his gumosphere
into his, you know, into his mouth.
And it was, I can't even imagine.
But anyhow, anyhow, we're making these, you know, we're making these cookies.
You know, we're firing up these hitters down there with these crackers and
cheese, a little bit of pepper.
Maybe some, you know, whatever else.
Maybe mixing up a can of that orange juice.
They used to have that orange juice.
It was like this, they had this frozen chunk in the freezer.
And you got that chunk.
And first you would take it, it had this tight white plastic cord around the
can.
And the can was freezing cold.
The can had ice on the outside.
The can didn't want you getting inside of it.
Like cans nowadays, it's got these easy peel tops.
And, you know, it makes like a, when you open something, not the cans we grew
up with.
Those frozen fucking orange juice.
Man, you had to, you had to, you had to, you know, I mean, you had to fucking
sit there and babysit that thing.
You had to sweet talk it.
It was frozen.
You could barely hold on to it.
And it had frozen orange juice inside of it.
And I don't even think it was real orange juice.
It was just orange fucking ice.
But it was a huge chunk of it.
And so the thing was to get that ice out and get it into a thing of water.
Then you beat it around in this jug of water with a wooden spoon.
And then you got, you don't really have orange juice.
But what you have is sort of a lightly, you have kind of orangey looking water
with a huge chunk of kind of orange stuff in it.
In the pitcher.
So anyhow, me and Stuck come down and make that, right?
Then we start getting, we're getting these hitters that we put together.
We're slipping them into the oven.
And these ain't no gray block hitters, you know.
These are basic run-of-the-mill fucking 4th Ward, Covington, Louisiana out
there off Lee Road, you know.
Back there by the Baled Hay dealership.
Right down from Ozone Field.
You know, right there where they got all the animal carcasses out in a ditch.
This is those hitters.
You know, this is more of these backwoods hitters that we made.
You know, it's the cracker, them saltines.
You got that American cheese.
That little hit of freaking, that square of queso.
You know, that shadiest cheese too.
You can see through it a little bit.
You're like, fuck.
This shit looks questionable.
It's not even, it doesn't even taste like cheese.
It just tastes kind of like yellow.
It tastes like a little, like, like, uh, it tastes like, um, like harsh yellow.
And then you got that pepper.
Boy, we douse these bitches up with pepper, right?
So we put the tray of them in the oven.
Quiet, quiet, quiet.
Don't wake my mother, right?
Don't.
And my mother was the kind of lady that laid in bed waiting to get fucking woken
up.
I don't even think she went to sleep.
I think she just closed her eyes and waited to beat someone.
And I'll tell you this, the toughest thing I've ever seen happen out of
somebody.
I don't know what happened.
We're in the dark.
We get the oven open.
We get the thing stuck falls onto the oven door, open oven door, blazing hot.
I mean, this thing had been preheated.
We only preheated things to 400.
We only burned shit in my house.
Nothing was ever cooked correctly.
It was either fucking burnt because here's what happened.
You put it in, 400 was the only thing we knew.
You put it in at 400, then you forgot about it.
And then you smelled smoke and you ran downstairs and then you got your ass
beaten.
And that was how we cooked in our house.
But stuck fell on this hot door with no t-shirt, no shirt on his back.
And he held it in.
It was dark in the kitchen.
And I could see the pain on his face.
When stuck, Yuva hit that hot door with his probably 11 or 12 year old skin.
And held that pain inside of him.
It was just a different time.
And now you go upstairs, you Google, you do all kinds of, you probably call the
police on your parents, all of this, all of that.
Man, I remember just, you know, we put him on his stomach.
We laid cold towels on him, put the towels.
We had some towels that were, some spare towels.
And we put these towels into water, into cold water, and laid them on his back.
But man, it looked scary.
His back bubbled up.
I mean, it looked like the, it looked like just like a, his whole back looked
like a top of a meatloaf, kind of.
And, you know, it was just a different time, though.
You know, it was just a different time when things were different.
That's all I'm saying.
It was a different time when things were different.
And I miss it a little bit.
And Stuck had a brother.
And, and this was an older brother.
Could have been an uncle.
And that's the kind of the family it was.
You know, it was sort of that, you know, I mean, the, you know, the DNA kind of
did what it did.
You know, not everybody's got that, you know, that family tree.
You know, some people got that family cactus.
And there's a fern hanging off of it over here.
And you got a couple of fucking, you know, you got an owl living in one of the
branches.
And he's, you know, selling, selling coke.
But you had a, he had a brother that had moles on his back, right?
And this moles, these different moles.
And moles are little pieces of cancer or whatever that live in your body.
Sometimes they try and get you, or not cancer, but they're basically, they're
basically like the devil's little death buttons.
And they might have cancer in them.
And if the devil presses them and pushes that cancer into your skin, then you
can get sick.
But sometimes the devil just leaves them on your body.
And so you're just dancing around with these fancy little, you know, benign and
malignant studs.
You know, you out there stunting and flexing with these studs on you.
And, uh, and that's what happened with, um, with, uh, the oldest Yuva, uh,
brother.
He had, uh, uh, tattoos.
He had all kinds of tattoos.
He had tattoos, uh, and one of them was a constellation of his moles.
He had made a constellation.
And I don't want to say it was Orion's belt.
It could have been a little dipper.
I mean, we only knew like three constellations back then.
But those were the days, man.
Those were the days.
I mean, you know, it's, it's, didn't have, this, this wasn't so much
information out there.
You know, and I think, um, you know, over time, things like that evolve out.
You know, when I was young, those things were fun.
Those were like the people in my neighborhood.
And those were, you know, and we played football every, every day we played
football.
If it didn't rain, we played football.
And we played in the street.
We played in the street, man.
Dude, I saw this kid one time got, uh, his head run, ran his face right into an
open mailbox.
Open mailbox.
One of the black ones, those, you know, those hardy ones, the metal ones.
Now everybody's got a, a plastic mailbox.
They don't want their mail to get hurt when it gets delivered.
But we had the metal.
And I saw this boy get his face stuck right in it.
Had to go get two people's dads to come out and help him get the, get his
mailbox out the, get his face out the mailbox.
And those were the times, man.
And the kids were tough.
And things were different, man.
It was just different.
Good evening.
Good afternoon.
And other times.
Thanks for watching that video you just saw.
I mean, it was okay.
But the next video you can watch could be way better.
What if you watch a video right now that changes your life?
Well, you could watch this one or watch this one.
Watch this one.
Watch this one.
Watch this one.
Ah.