Name: Halfway to Christmas | Theo Von
Uploaded: 2020-06-30T16:00:19.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Halfway to Christmas | Theo Von' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-06-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Halfway to Christmas | Theo Von' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-06-30. Transcript available.

dude it's halfway to christmas can you believe it so if you're thinking right
now say if you're
thinking about santa you know because i think about santa a lot and if you're
thinking about
santa you have to you have to understand that he is he's kind of just oh i'm
turning emails off
he's kind of just waking up you know he's kind of because santa can sleep
through anything you
know he got a million uh little people you know personas pequeños hammering in
his in his in his
garage you know they're building trains they're building uh walkie-talkies they're
building um
some of them you know do you build you know you build a couple hundred thousand
trains you some
of y'all start to gram off and buy a little bit of dope so you know he he's got
all kinds of stuff to
deal with you know he goes outside and you know suddenly the place where they
were making wagons
and they were you know they were knitting dolls suddenly the back you know back
behind that little
building um people back there they got a little cook house and they you know
they're grilling up
brisket and and uh you know uppers methamphatomans you know you know i'm saying
the
fucking the devil's vitamins boy you know the methamphatomans son and so you
know that uh
that santa right now he's got work to do you know because he's just stretching
up because when you do when
you because when you ride all night like santa nobody works as hard as santa
think about it
you know jesus maybe um you know muhammad um uh who's a little fat guy with the
uh jewelry on
um not um no i know some of you guys are thinking probably of uh of um pitbull
no i'm talking about uh
the indian the deity the buddha so yeah you know santa's in a class of his own
and they have you know
and he and so when you work that hard at once one fell swoop you gotta you have
to get that rest
and so santa if you think about him right now in june he's just just waking up
you know he just he probably have birds living in his beard you know and he
probably has uh you know
some of his mustache probably has a little bit of dope smoke in it because you
know a lot of the
you know a lot of the elves and like i said you know a lot of the elves people
don't realize when
you when you caught up in that elf game it's it's like working for the carnival
it's like working for
the circus and you get in that elf game and next thing you know y'all are you
know you got you guys
are hanging out at night and it's boring it's cold you've been making uh tamagotchis
all day
you know we're building kickballs or building uh you know uh softball catcher
mitts and things like
that you know toys for children you know you've been building all types of
things that you know uh
sometimes kids will get something for their parents but the gift is a piece of
shit right because kids
don't know what parents want so they'll get them like um like a wooden bowl or
something that's not
you know that's nothing or i remember one time uh they had a one of our next
door neighbors gave his
dad a fucking um a huge like crate full of uh scallions ditch onions and you
could go in the
ditch and get free all the scallions you wanted well this boy had been
collecting them for probably
two months and then he fucking hit his dad on christmas with this box of uh you
know with
this box of ditch onions and next and that thing stank to high hell man dude it
smelled like the i
mean it just smelled like a like a suppository of the devil you know that thing
smelled like it had
just been hiding in the deep caves you know and being naughty and uh and this
boy gave it to his daddy
you know this boy richard that lived in our neighborhood and um and actually
you know what
the crazy thing was his name was mr richard and he was a kid but his dad um his
dad had uh his dad his
grandfather had died and the dad like missed the day you know his dad so much
and he used to call his
dad mr richard and so then he named his son miss uh after his own um dad mr
richard so dude this dude
you got a fucking you know 11 year old mr richard you know with that dirty box
of
fucking ditch onions and he hit his dad with that and that was a you know a
christmas gift so what i'm
saying is you know you get a lot of these people who you know you get a lot of
crazy gifts that
that santa's elves have to make and that you know that the story about uh mr
richard and them onions
doesn't correlate super well but you know what i'm saying is that these elves
have to make
that they don't even want to make they got to make all the gifts that kids give
to their dad
you know sometimes you might give your dad um you know a a roller skate made
out of cotton
and your next thing you know your your dad or your stepdad's out there and he
you know breaks his ankle and so it's like but still you know who makes all of
that is elves
and so these we got you know and it becomes like the carnival you know they're
carnies dude
that's all elves are bro they're a bunch of jesus birthday carnies and so they're
out there like that
and they got to build all these wild things and so when santa wakes up he's got
a lot of house cleaning
to do you know and this would honestly be a crazy good time for a zip recruiter
ad wouldn't it
but i don't have one that's just that's just a good joke though because imagine
if santa had that
but he doesn't so he's got to go out there and look all these elves in the eyes
and so santa got to get out there and look all these elves in their fucking
eyes and some of their
eyes are all glassed over and they're all doped up and they're hiding you know
grams and uh you know
kilograms of dope in their jaw and all that kind of shit but when you're an elf
you could do
you can really get bent out because imagine a couple hits of ass it'll do to a
six footer you you're an elf
bro when you are an elf man and then you know and the ankle bones connected to
the neck bone
and you do a couple hits lsd son yeah you're going deep you're going deep boy
you randy maulson you feel
me and so just just know that when santa that santa right now is waking up and
he knows that he still has
a lot of work to do good evening good afternoon and other times thanks for
watching that video you
just saw i mean it was okay but the next video you could watch could be way
better what if you watch
a video right now that changes your life well you could watch this one or watch
this one watch this one
watch this one watch this one watch this one ah