Name: Theo Von on New Hampshire
Uploaded: 2020-07-05T16:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von on New Hampshire' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-07-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von on New Hampshire' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-07-05. Transcript available.

Let's hit a call right here. This came in. Boom, boom.
Live free or die, Theo. Live free or die. That's what New Hampshire's coming
with.
Dude, we all rock together with that shit. Believe it.
Live free or die. You heard him.
And this is your boy Rico coming out of New Hampshire calling in about that
state's war.
Tell me more, Reek.
It's Rico. And let me just say this.
Who's going to call in saying that their state isn't going to win the war?
What kind of mentality is that to go into war with? That's fucking brutal.
Well, they got some kind-ass states out there.
You know, what is it? Somewhere is the land of lovers. Where's that place?
Well, look, you try to hug a motherfucker with a machete?
Gang, gang, you're going to lose that hug more.
And for anyone to call up and say that their state isn't going to take it, I
don't even know what that's about.
Well, they had the guy from Maine that called it.
Onward, sorry I'm interrupting you. Onward, Rico.
Do you have no passion? No love?
Even if it's taking it, bro.
It's small enough where we all kind of know each other.
We got those crazy motherfuckers down in Seabrook, down on the coast.
What? Dude, first of all, small enough where you all know each other?
Dude, this ain't a quinceanera, man.
This is a war.
You can't be, you know what I'm saying? You can't be like, oh, Randy just got
here.
That shit can't happen on the battlefield.
This ain't a pick-up game.
You know?
You can't be down there and be like, oh, who we dressing out for this?
Man, come on, man.
Seabrook?
You said we got a, oh, we got those mad hatters down.
What'd you say here?
Let me listen to this one more time.
Let's hear this.
We all kind of know each other.
We got those crazy motherfuckers down in Seabrook.
What's Seabrook? Penitentiary?
Down in Seabrook?
What is Seabrook?
It sounds like a rich people homestead area on the water.
What, you got rich people down in Seabrook?
What they doing?
Driving sobs?
Man, you can't, what are they going to do?
Throw fancy jewelry at people?
You know what I'm saying?
You can't, you can't fucking, you can't beat, you can't beat somebody to death
with a, with
a wristlet.
You know, with a, with a 14 karat gold candelabra.
This ain't Clue.
This ain't Clue the board game.
You got to come with something real.
Let's hear more.
Down on the coast.
And we got like 13 miles of shoreline.
We got those Hampton Beach critters.
We got the mountains.
What mountains, dude?
The mountains of New Hampshire?
What do y'all got, man?
I'll look up this fucking cat shit claim right now.
Mountains of New Hampshire.
What do y'all have?
This say right here, Mount Washington, 6,200 feet?
Shit.
Listen, Rico.
Uncle Rico could throw a football over that thing.
That ain't nothing.
You got Loon Mountain, 3,000 feet?
Dude, I'll backflip off of that bitch.
What else y'all got?
Nothing.
Wildcat Mountain.
I'm looking at the picture.
The first picture of it right here on, uh, on Google Images.
You got two thick, frosty whites hanging out by a sign.
Say toilets this way.
Man, this ain't a fuck.
Y'all ain't got an army, bruh.
This dude got man tits right there.
He got tits hanging off his elbows.
He got them elbow titties, boy.
Come on, man.
I'm gonna let you go a little more.
Let's hear more, Rico.
Canadian border.
Okay, now you got the Canadian border.
That's huge.
We got those wild boys out in Keene State College.
We got Plymouth State College, Dartmouth.
We got them drawing up schematics, dude.
New Hampshire is taking this shit.
It's not, I'm gonna be honest, it's not even close.
Not even close to what?
You got people drawing up schematics?
What is that?
Schematics, dude?
This ain't the Iditarod, brother.
This ain't cross-country skiing, man.
This is war.
You got people out at Keene State?
Dude, how bad are colleges if they say it's Keene?
Come on, dude.
Keene State?
Come on.
There's not a lot of us, but we're here.
We're here.
That's your motto?
Dude, that sounds like a shitty motel chain.
We're here.
Onward.
We're gonna take over Maine quick.
Believe that.
Oh, I believe that, dude.
Maine ain't nothing, bruh.
Maine up there eating poisonous berries, dude.
You know, it's a bunch of stoners acting like they know what the wilderness is
about.
48 hours outside, brother, they'll be in that freezing cold rain, accidentally
eat a poisonous berry.
Gang, gang, done.
Call of the wild.
Let's hear more.
There's townships in Maine that are not incorporated into the United States.
That's how just vacant it is.
So we're gonna move in there, take over Maine quick.
And we're just gonna kind of lay low.
That quick take over Maine thing to Keene and lay low.
Lay low, bruh.
Y'all gonna be tired.
Lay low.
Y'all hopped up on syrup.
New Hampshire.
Man, look, I respect it, but I don't see any chance, bruh.
No Hampshire.
You got no Hampshire, dude.
The coolest thing y'all will have is a flag that have a hamp on it, baby.
Gang, gang.
Good evening, good afternoon, and other times.
Thanks for watching that video you just saw.
I mean, it was okay.
But the next video you can watch could be way better.
What if you watch a video right now that changes your life?
Well, you could watch this one or watch this one.
Watch this one.
Watch this one.
Watch this one.
Ah!