Name: Theo Von: The Middle School Teacher Call
Uploaded: 2020-07-06T16:00:13.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von: The Middle School Teacher Call' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-07-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von: The Middle School Teacher Call' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-07-06. Transcript available.

we got this call came in right here uh this one looks funny it says funny
teaching story let's go
my name is page and i am a teacher in seattle washington oh page thank you for
calling i was
just up in tacoma last week and that's uh cold water country you know it's hard
to get cold
water out there even in the bird baths you see birds stop by check the water
too fucking cold
take off die of dehydration you know a lot of that water just too cold for
animals even to
i caught a bass it was fucking shivering you know sometimes you'll catch a bass
or something and
they they just flopping on the counter you know this one fucking shivering he
had water on his body
right and he was bouncing on the wood on the on the dock and he used the water
on his body just
bouncing bouncing bouncing bouncing bouncing to spell out hot cocoa he just
found h you know boom boom boom
h oh boom oh and he did all that until he had no more moisture on his body hot
cocoa i was like damn
everything's cold out here that's cold water country thank you for calling page
onward so you wanted to
know like who's watching your podcast and so i do want to know that and i
appreciate it thank you for
let's hear more it's i'm a teacher i'm a middle school teacher and i watch your
podcast and oh you're a
middle school teacher huh that's amazing a lot of middle school teachers out
there and that's beautiful
man especially when you got a beautiful female teacher and you a young boy you
show up because
you sound attractive page you know you sound attractive to me and all you got
to be is about
a four or up to be attracted to daddy you know so you sound attractive to me
and um onward something
funny that happened the other day and i was thinking about it when you were
talking about
like being in middle school and just like how weird people are in middle school
but i also coach
volleyball and so i and i'm not supposed to be thinking about i'm not thinking
about that wasn't a
to middle school volleyball that was just uh you know when i think about like a
like kind of an
attractive teacher teaching volleyball that thing kind of wow you know that
thing gets me you know
makes me flare a little you know make make my loins turn into lions and that's
really just all you
got to do is switch a letter you know that i'll turn my loins into lions boy
yeah i changed at school
and so i was changing my classroom for volleyball okay you're changing let's go
back a second here we go
i'm gonna shut up well and so i was changing my classroom football let's go
back a little more
here we go cool and just like how weird people are in middle school but i also
coach volleyball and so
i changed at school and so i was changing my classroom for volleyball man i don't
know if i'm being a
pervert or if i'm just being just regular you know in los angeles you're not
allowed to uh have any
interest in women anymore so you know i feel like what we're doing right now is
very it's like almost
like prohibition but that i'm secretly having to do this in a studio somewhere
on the third floor of a
building onward and i just like left all my clothes on like near my desk and
obviously like changed into
a sports bra and so i like oh man like i don't you ever have like one of your
fantasies you feel like
it just called a telephone number that's what i feel like right now i mean this
is this is something
you know this is a middle school teacher telling me she just changed in her
classroom
and you got me you know you got my wiener starting to loiter around a you know
around my waistline you
feel me onward i have to take off my bra and i gotta hear that part again sorry
changed into a sports
bra and so i like have to take off my bra and so my like bra and all my clothes
are like sitting there
and um the next day but you couldn't see the bra so the next day the kids came
in they said
i knew you lived here i knew you lived here you have all your clothes here you
have a suitcase here
and like i have to keep my suitcase at school because it doesn't fit in my
apartment because i live in
seattle and so i was like you know what and i'm like grabbing my clothes and i'm
putting it in this
bag i'm like none of your business and out falls my bra onto the ground and
there was two eighth
grade boys and one of them ran for the door he they both went and ran oh he
probably went to
masturbate i'm guessing i mean i couldn't imagine that you know and i'm not
trying you know and i know
you're probably thinking he went for something else but at eighth grade if an
attractive teacher
dropped a bra in front of me
what i would be like dude i would probably be i'd be i'd turn into louis ck boy
i'd start
wine gardening those plants or whatever harvey weinsteiner i'd hit those plants
and just start
weinsteining you know what i'm saying i put a you know i'd put a pearl necklace
on a cactus if you
had a fucking cactus in the window onward and the other boy he just stood there
staring at it and i
jumped on it like there was a grenade covering it up and i was like oh god a
hot teacher jumping on
her bra in the classroom i mean this is page thank you so much i got to hear i'm
gonna hit play this
again later in the car but i want to hear it again uh let's hear a little more
thank you page
get out of here get out of here and so they ran out of the classroom but you
know it's tough out here
and also i'm coming to your show with my best friend taylor this weekend and in
tacoma and we're so
excited to see you oh i didn't even realize page i thought that was from this
week um thank you thank
you for calling i thank you so much um and i hope you and taylor had a nice
time wow that's a sexy
story though i just heard that's a sexy story you know and shout out to the kid
who stayed around
that eighth grader that's a g right there that boy sees that bra hit the ground
the one dude he's out
that dude ain't going to get laid until probably late into college but that
eighth grade boy he's
thinking man you know maybe we're playing strip poker without the cards you
know and and miss page
went first oh man you make me want to go back to middle school
man you make me wish i couldn't really read and spell that well you know and
you know i just you
know i could do some algebra but barely so that i could go back to middle
school and just apply myself
to some fine teachers you know thank you for calling page that's that's a oh
that's everything
did i remember i'm trying to think of the hot i mean first of all i remember as
a kid in middle
school i was attracted to any teacher you know even if it was like a male
teacher with real long hair
who conditioned his hair if that dude turned around to face the board and he
had a nice ass boy i'd think
about him you know i mean i had feminine wiles but if he came across as a as
feminine into my eyes
boom then that just projected right into my brain because you and all you had
to do was think about
something and your dick would start looking for somebody remember that you know
i never owned a pet
growing up really outside of you know small ground game um but man having a
penis when you're young
it's like having a pet it's like having a you know it's like having a you know
it's like having a runt
feet uh runt ferret that has attention deficit disorder you know your dick will
start looking
around you know it's a damn everything it's just your dick is just why you know
your dick will eat a
piece of you know your dick will eat a will eat a corn kernel i bet your dick
has so much you know
relativity at that point when you're young your penis got that vibe boy your
penis will just show up
yep i mean your penis will provide services you're reading a book you don't
have a um
a book stopper a word remember piece of paper bam your dick shows up i got you
dog you know
when you're young your penis is violent it's vibrant you know your penis
looking for things to
do i bet man i bet there's got to be a video out there somebody taught their
penis to eat a piece
of corn and if you have that video send that in man i'm not gonna you know i'm
not gonna watch it
more than one time you know but i will watch it for you know the artisticness
of it in the you know
hashtag vegetarian but yeah man those you know that was young and i pretty you
know i remember i remember
who da oh man we had this teacher i think her name was like miss baldoin or
miss boudreau or somebody
i think i was in seventh or eighth grade and she had perfume she wore like
perfume and she had
i mean she just looked like
every boy i know can't do math from my hometown and it's because of her it's
her fault
dude i wanted to get problems wrong so i could stand there and just smell her
while she like showed
me the work she's like you got to show your work and i'm just like i can't
think because
60 of the blood is in my penis and nuts when i'm sitting there listening to her
you know i couldn't even bend my legs that's how erect i was
you know i had to roll over to her desk and then you know pull myself up by my
arms
and those were just i mean miss boudreau what was her name miss
von so i don't know she just i remember here's how sexy she was i remember she
wore red
that's all i remember she might have never worn red but i that's just what i
remember she but red is
that color of sex of lust it's just like in my brain she wore red she had dark
hair and like you
know all of my youthful masturbation and probably a lot of my young erections i
you know i you know i
would attribute to her probably or you know if i could leave something in my
will it would be for her
you know it'd be for her to get you know maybe now in her life i don't know if
she has a man now or
whatever but you know a lot of women as they get a little bit older they still
want to catch some
you know you know some routine cop you know some hard d and i was young back
then but you know uh
my dick had an old soul i always felt like that and my dick had seen things my
dick had seen
railroads being built you know my dick had heard like a you know like a
printing press in the distance
my dick had seen my dad had an old soul i had an old soul dick and if i could
leave something in a
will or something i would leave a lot of those old erections of my past to her
good evening good
afternoon and other times thanks for watching that video you just saw i mean it
was okay but the next
video you could watch could be way better what if you watch a video right now
that changes your life
well you could watch this one or watch this one watch this one watch this one
ah