Name: We Need New Maps | Theo Von
Uploaded: 2020-07-18T16:00:12.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'We Need New Maps | Theo Von' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-07-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'We Need New Maps | Theo Von' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-07-18. Transcript available.

Oh, dude, I was thinking about this.
Bro, maps aren't that great anymore.
Go look at a map, dude.
Look what's on it.
Mountains.
Mountains.
What is like a wet, slippery kind of river.
All kind of stuff on it.
But not the shit we need, man.
I need a real map.
I need to know where the cocaine is at.
Okay?
Can we get that on the map?
Okay?
What's the map company?
Merriam Webster?
Whatever it is.
But we need a map with real shit.
Where's the fucking quicksand?
Y'all putting plateaus on the map.
I don't give a fuck about a plateau.
I want to know where are all these bitches that's just going to be trying to
get at you for your money.
Where is that area?
Where is the people that think they're better than everybody else?
Can we outline those areas around the edges of the country?
Like, I want a real map.
Like, where are you most likely to see twins?
Wouldn't that be helpful?
Wouldn't that be helpful?
Because if you're riding across the country in a car or van or something, you
know, or even hang gliding or something really far, you want to be able to know
where you might be able to land and see some twins.
Because that's the kind of shit.
But now they got all this shit.
Here's a map.
Here's a map.
Here's a plateau.
I don't give a damn.
Here's a national forest.
What about where there's possible gold?
How about that?
Let's make a map that's actually helpful.
What about where people have asthma?
And what about where, you know, where people most likely to, you know, get bit
by sharks or rabies?
How about showing the damn rabies belt?
How about putting stuff on a map that is helpful to people?
Oh, here's a, um, tributary.
I don't give a fuck.
Where's little Terry?
That's always slinging them eight balls.
You feel me?
Why ain't he on the map?
And we need new maps, dude.
And I'll say that right now.
So, Mr. Trump, why don't you give us some new maps, but I wouldn't mind a map.
Let me know where I could get the freshest milk.
Because if you notice, a lot of the milk you get, especially if you get milk at
a gas station,
that shit is the, it is the Bruce Willis of leche.
You have, that shit goes sour in eight hours.
You have eight hours to drink any milk you get from a gas station.
Go fall asleep.
As soon as you wake up, that milk will be sour.
You know, we need, we need to legalize decent gas station milk.
Good evening.
Good afternoon.
And other times.
Thanks for watching that video you just saw.
I mean, it was okay.
But, the next video you can watch could be way better.
What if you watch a video right now that changes your life?
Well, you could.
Watch this one.
Or, watch this one.
Watch this one.
Watch this one.
Watch this one.
Ah!