Name: Theo Von on Tampa, FL
Uploaded: 2020-07-19T16:00:07.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von on Tampa, FL' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-07-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von on Tampa, FL' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-07-19. Transcript available.

And I don't know if you've ever been to Tampa, but Tampa is the kind of place
where, first of all, it's a bunch of people that wanted to be pirates, I think,
and then pirating went out of business.
So suddenly, you've got a lot of people that's suddenly just straight up landlocked.
And the zoning is insane.
You will have a dental, you'll have a place where you get dental, and then next
door, strip club.
But strip club will also have, maybe they'll do all beef patties out the back.
So everything is possible.
And that's one thing I really enjoyed about it.
You could get a used car and prosthetic limb, same place.
Because the zoning is just, I don't know who did the zoning.
You know, I don't know who did the commercial residential zoning.
You know, you'll have six homeless people living, you know, legally living
right in a supermarket.
And they're trying to, you know, they're out there in the frozen foods, and
they're all wearing, you know, parkas and shit.
And you're trying to get some fish, you know, you're just trying to get some
fish sticks.
Or, you know, them breaded chicken fillets.
And they are trying to hit you up for a dollar.
You open that frozen food section, and ba-bam.
You know, Soily Ronnie pops out.
You know, Soily Ronnie pops out with that dirty hand.
And you're trying to catch that buck off you.
And all you're trying to get is a bag of those frozen carp hitters.
You know, or frozen bass pieces or whatever they're serving, you know, fish
sticks.
But yeah, man, they got that wild zoning.
You know, you get used car and prosthetic limb.
So you got a Ford Fiesta with fucking new, you know, you know, new kneecaps in
the back.
And that's Tampa.
Anything's possible in Tampa.
You know, it's like that.
And they have crime, but they don't, it's kind of everywhere a little bit.
And, you know, I like, I like a city that have some crime.
Because you know what's, you know what, when a city has crime, you know what's
better?
The food.
I'll tell you that.
Even a peanut butter and jelly sandwich down there in New Orleans tastes better.
Because you know somebody's getting popped off two or three blocks away.
So your taste buds, you know, they're, they know that this is, you know, this
is life or death situation.
They know that even if you just got a bowl of gazpacho, that this shit could be
your last meal.
So your taste buds, they show up.
You know, they tuxedo up to the top of your tongue.
And they're ready to really embrace whatever's going on.
You know, if you're eating somewhere, you know, you're eating down there in Boca
Raton.
Or you're eating over in damn, you know, some other city or something.
You know, some fancy place, you're eating over in Los Angeles, you're eating
over in, where's another place that's fancy?
Oh, Martha's Vineyard.
Then you, you know, you could probably barely even taste.
You know, you're not alive.
But somebody give you a, you know, a kettle full of, of, of gazpacho in South
Chicago.
That's, that's life or death dining.
Food tastes better in cities where the crime rate is higher.
And I'll say that to the end of time.
Because something, there's just something, it's just something about, you know,
when somebody's just around the corner.
Trying to set you off with a knife.
It just, you know, it adds a little bit more mystique to a pork chop.
It really does.
And look, I grew up in that environment where, you know, you, when that danger's
outside, boy, everything tastes good.
Because that might be your last grip.
That might be your throat and your belly's last grip at sustenance.
And, and I feel like you get a little bit of that in Tampa.
You get that danger.
You know, there's cannons.
They have people that have fucking cannons there.
Not cannons.
I'm not talking cameras.
You'll see a couple homeless dudes or a couple dudes who have homes but don't
mind looking homeless.
And they shining up a cannonball.
At a, at a gas station.
You know, it's like, uh, bitch, it's, you know, 2018.
And you out there polishing sea balls at a fucking sit-go.
What's going on?
But that's that pirating lifestyle.
It's a little bit in the bloodstream over there in Tampa.
In Tampa, you find a lot of women, uh, talking on their cell phone crossing the
street with no shoes on.
Apparently, you don't have to have shoes in Tampa.
That's, uh, alternate, you know, that's optional.
Shoes optional.
You know, some places that they say, you know, no shirt, no shoes, no shoes, no
service.
Well, Tampa doesn't say that.
Tampa, it's just like, service.
Because some, you know, six out of 11 people aren't going to have shirt and
shoes.
Dude, I got to the airport, and I'll say this, man, uh, the airport, the new
worst airport in America, Tampa International Airport.
Dude, this fucking thing.
It took 25 minutes to get to the rental car place.
And I was cruising.
I didn't have to wait in line.
It's just, you got to go all the, up these escalators, down these escalators.
You got to take a tram.
You got to take another tram.
A lot of senior citizens, mark my words, a lot of senior citizens going to die
at TPA, Tampa International Airport.
Because they're not thinking about humans.
I mean, if you want to drop off a rental car, bitch, and you're leaving on
Friday, you better, uh, you better show up on Thursday morning.
Or you will not get to the actual, you won't get to your gate.
This shit was dangerous, man.
It was real, it got real Game of Thrones-y over there around the, around the TSA
area.
But, you know, I'm complaining.
Look, I mean, I'm not complaining.
I mean, I'm celebrating the city.
You know, I had some barbecue.
And, you know, that was pretty good.
Uh, what else did I see over there?
I saw some big old, you know, they got them cancer tits out there.
In Tampa, you get a lot of sunburnt breast meat.
So, they got them straight up fucking cancer front bags out there.
You know, you see them, some girl rocking them fucking, them D cups.
You know, but two-thirds of the cup is probably melanoma.
And you see them rocking that.
And I'm not condoning breast cancer.
I'm not wishing upon that on anybody.
Even anybody that don't have breasts.
Uh, but, you'll see ladies out there.
Damn, boy.
They, you know, they're wearing shoes that match with their, you know, with
their burn-up chest skin.
Lady look like, in the chest, sometime right between them tits, they look like,
uh, some of these ladies look a little bit like,
have you ever had a thing of French onion soup?
And then it gets kind of, if you let it sit for too long, that thing gets on
the top.
That little bit of layer of, you know, it just gets a little bit too French on
the top.
And it starts, it gets this little film, like that little layer of, you know,
soup epidermis.
Just like that, but put it right between on the lady's chest.
And throw a Winston in her jaw.
Throw a big Winston up in Judy's jaw.
So, she huffing on a Winston.
Running with that French onion fucking tit front.
No shoes.
Does have a shirt.
Definite service.
Strip clubs.
Tacos.
Diversity.
That's Tampa.
You know, it's a pirate's life for me.
Good evening.
Good afternoon.
And other times.
Thanks for watching that video you just saw.
I mean, it was okay.
But, the next video you could watch could be way better.
What if you watch a video right now that changes your life?
Well, you could.
Watch this one.
Or, watch this one.
Watch this one.
Watch this one.
Watch this one.
Ah!
Ah!