Name: Theo Von Loves Calling 911
Uploaded: 2020-07-22T16:00:14.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von Loves Calling 911' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-07-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von Loves Calling 911' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-07-22. Transcript available.

You know, I remember one of the first times I ever even performed, I was, you
know, a child or something.
I think I was a child or I was just a small adult that was just lying about how
old he was.
But I was, you know, just a middle-aged child or something, I don't know,
probably about nine.
And if we were bad, which we were, my mother would make us perform, do a
performance,
so we could come downstairs and watch Rescue 911 on television.
Because that was my show, man.
That was my thing. That was my jam.
I love to call 911.
And some of you guys know that about me and some of you don't.
I'll call them matches. I'll text them.
You know, I texted them from the Poirier-Halloway fight.
I said, they got some damn ruffians out here beating the shit out of each other.
You know, and they said, where are you?
I said, I'm at the UFC, whatever it was, 214, baby, where are you guys, dude?
Gang shit, bring the fire department.
But you can text 911 now, but when I was young, I would call them.
I'd call them for anything.
You know, I'd call them.
If we couldn't pay the bills, I'd call them.
Hey, uh, yep, uh, St. Chammany Parish, police and fire.
I'm going to help you.
Is this an emergency?
Yep, uh, we can't pay the water.
Mom can't pay it.
So, she, you know, she told her boss off and she got fired.
So, um, sorry, um, you, I'm going to have to, uh, keep the line free for actual
emergencies.
But at least I'll let them know.
Some of you got to let the city know what you're thinking.
You got to at least let them know what you're dealing with, you know.
But, um, but anyway, I remember, you know, that we, my mom would make us, we'd
had, she
didn't make us, but we would come down and perform.
You know, we would put paint or something on our bodies or put a sheet on top
of us and
write China on it maybe and do, you know, get in a, like a line and put a
couple sheet
on us and make a dragon.
We'd come down and, you know, you know, my brother would beat a little, uh, you
know,
we'd have him beat a, what is it called?
Uh, he would beat like a tambourine with a spoon or, you know, we had a,
we had a, this man my mom dated used to do fake accidents to get money.
And so we had, I remember like a metal neck brace that he left over one time.
And so sometimes my brother would put that on and get thimbles, like, you know,
metal
little thimbles from sewers, sewers kits.
And he would put them on his fingers.
And so we'd all come down and he would play kind of Chinese music on his, you
know,
bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, just, you know, play in that, that
metal neck brace.
And, uh, and the rest of us would just be in a damn sheet.
We'd written China on the side of it and cut a couple eye holes out the front
and wrote
dragging on the front and we would do a show, put on a show for mom.
And if she liked the show well enough, then we were allowed to sit there by the
television
and watch rescue 9-1-1 or, you know, a couple other programs, unsolved
mysteries,
rescue 9-1-1, America's most wanted.
I mean, we liked to watch shit that was very fear-based and we would sit, dude,
we were,
I mean, we would sit literally two inches from the television screen.
I mean, our television was, was as big as two iPhone 9s.
I mean, that bitch was as big as two, like a double wide iPhone 9.
And we would sit there two inches from it and just let it all, just let the
devil just go
straight into our eyes.
And that was, you know, that was, but that was some of the first times we would
perform
that I would perform.
I remember as a child was coming down and doing that and performing for mom
so that we could watch rescue 9-1-1.
Good evening, good afternoon, and other times.
Thanks for watching that video you just saw.
I mean, it was okay.
But the next video you could watch could be way better.
What if you watch a video right now that changes your life?
Well, you could watch this one or watch this one.
Watch this one.
Watch this one.
Watch this one.
Ah!