Name: Tales From the Drunk Tank | Theo Von
Uploaded: 2020-07-23T16:00:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tales From the Drunk Tank | Theo Von' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-07-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tales From the Drunk Tank | Theo Von' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-07-23. Transcript available.

Let's hear more.
Hey, yo, Theo.
This is Matt from New England.
Matt from New England.
And that's almost British.
Straight up.
Nobody ever talks about that shit.
So, onward.
I work at a drunk tank, all right?
And I work the third.
Drunk tank?
Like, what do you mean?
Like Dave and Buster's?
I don't even know what that is.
Let's hear more.
Third shift, you know, the graveyard shift.
So, I see the craziest of the crazies.
So, basically, last weekend, I go in.
Hold on.
Let me look this up.
Drunk tank.
Is it a prison?
Oh, yep.
A large prison cell for the detention of drunks.
Bang, bang.
Well, you know who you ain't taking care of is my boy Jack, who's got 75 days
sober.
But let's hear more, Matt.
To my chef to relieve my coworker.
And my coworker is telling me that she had a gentleman there earlier who was
obviously intoxicated,
saying that he was in the mafia.
He's been traveling around the country, state to state.
He's been killing people.
Hmm.
So, she said she had a man there that was a self-proclaimed serial killer.
But do the, you know what, I already, I'm like, do the good killers say they're
killers?
It seemed like if you're real good at something, you're more low-key about it,
especially if it is, you know, ending other people's existences.
But that's just me.
Let's hear him on.
No, and he's been getting away with it.
And he's telling this to my coworker.
And he is well over the limit.
He's about two, three times over the limit at this point.
And she's like an older woman, you know, she's defenseless, basically.
And she's, he's like, I will come back here and find you if you tell anybody.
She goes, damn, this shit's making me mildly erect, dude.
I'm not even joking.
I'm starting to feel a little bit of thump down in my dump.
Let's hear more.
You know, and that's the thing.
Every time a woman feels like they're about to get serial killed, who do they
come to?
Men.
Okay?
You know, everybody wants equal opportunity, but nobody wants to deal with
serial killers themselves.
We, we're, look, if you want to help us, then help us at all times.
Don't just come around, ladies, when you want defense from, um, possible future
murder of yourself by someone else, by a serial killer.
Help us at all times or be friends always.
Let's hear more.
That's just part of the job.
A couple hours later, because this guy was released to a sober party, he comes
back.
So you released an assumed serial killer?
This is, this is all over the place.
More?
The police bring him back for going to another bar and getting rowdy again.
So I have to talk to the serial killer, allegedly.
He seems like a normal dude, you know, so he's, he's brought in into a-
That's their trick.
He ain't gonna, he ain't gonna talk to you and be juggling knives, you know,
and hiding cyan, you know, and, you know, have a cyanide recipe on his jacket.
That's their trick, Matthew, is that they don't, you're not supposed to know
they're serial killers.
That's what I'm thinking, man.
If I'm drunk in a place and there's a, there's a lady there and she's the guard
or whatever, fuck yeah, I'm gonna tell her I'm a serial killer.
What else are you gonna do?
You're bored, probably.
You're used to being at the bar having fun.
More?
In a, from a police vehicle and then there's another cop car behind him as
backup.
So I, this guy, he's been drinking more.
He's actually like so over the limit, I have to send him to the hospital.
So I send him to the hospital and I ask one of the officers to stay back so I
can talk to him.
And I tell him what my co-worker told me.
He's been going around the country, he's been killing people, and I told him
that, you know, he would come back and harm us if he found out.
So the cops said, oh, I'll just look into his criminal history and, you know,
we'll see where it goes from there.
So once I go back inside, I realize how much of a fucking idiot I am.
Now I'm so paranoid, I'm having trouble sleeping, I'm looking at the security
camera, I'm at work right now,
I'm looking at the cameras, I'm seeing this car going up and down the street,
this red Jeep.
I've been seeing it all night, Dio, and I don't know what the fuck to do.
Look, I'll tell you what to do, man.
Get your life up.
Okay, you out here, you know, I love you, brother, but listen.
First of all, you said a senior citizen lady, okay, and I respect senior
citizens, but a lot of them, you know, they're just starting to bother
everybody.
And a senior citizen lady told you that there's a killer, she met a killer, you
know,
and all, first of all, all women say that.
I'm dating this guy, he seems like he could be a serial killer.
That's half the dudes out there.
We had a guy called up last week, fucking might have killed a lady.
And tried to use our episode as an alibi.
Said he took a lady out, she got wasted, he hasn't seen her in two days or
heard from her.
He has her phone and some other shit.
Dude, I'm dumb and I know that that is probably murder.
So look, man, you're telling me and then you're scared, you got the lady drunk,
the man's drinking more.
You let the dude go out to drink more.
And now you're trying to square off with him and talk to him?
Bruh, that dude might be a murderer.
Let him sober up and see what he can do.
Y'all trying to, you guys are hanging back and tailing a drunk guy.
How hard is it?
The dude's three times over the legal limit.
He's in a red Jeep.
Doing, going where?
Just going back and forth and reverse in a parking spot?
That dude's fucked up.
Do we have any knives on him?
Frisk that motherfucker.
Frisk him, dude.
Check him.
Check his ass for blades, dude.
What's going on?
You know, if you are, I couldn't tell if you were an officer or not, Matt, but
look.
Y'all shooting people out there, shoot this dude.
Shoot him.
He doesn't seem like he'll even care.
But good luck out there, dude.
If you don't get murdered, call us back in two months and just leave one voicemail
that says,
Hey, it's Matt.
I didn't get murdered.
Good evening.
Good afternoon.
And other times.
Thanks for watching that video you just saw.
I mean, it was okay.
But the next video you could watch could be way better.
What if you watch a video right now that changes your life?
Well, you could.
Watch this one.
Or watch this one.
Watch this one.
Watch this one.
Watch this one.
Ah!