Name: Theo Von Responds to a Celibate 20-Something
Uploaded: 2020-07-24T16:00:16.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von Responds to a Celibate 20-Something' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-07-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von Responds to a Celibate 20-Something' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-07-24. Transcript available.

Let's take another call. Here we go.
Hi, Theo. This is Sarah calling from Michigan.
Long, short-time listener, first-time caller.
Thanks for calling, Sarah, from Michigan.
Let's hear more.
And I'm in my late 20s and deciding to be celibate.
I've had a lot of sexual relations in my 20s and not really finding it very
fulfilling anymore.
And I want to wait until I need someone that I really connect with and have a
decent relationship with.
So I was hoping that you could give me some advice regarding when to tell
someone that I'm not going to be an easy conquest.
When is the best time that I tell someone that...
Well, right now, you just told them.
But that's a good question.
When do you tell somebody that...
I think you could let them know at the end of the first date in an appropriate
way.
You can let them know in the beginning.
I've asked women out and they said from the beginning,
If you're just looking for sex or sexual interest or touching or something like
that or body touching,
then I'm not that person.
Don't come around here with that.
You know, I got a kid or I got, you know, a couple cats or whatever.
I'm not trying to put them through that.
Some lady didn't want to introduce me to her cats until like the fifth date.
I was like, I don't give a fuck.
I was like, I don't want to meet them even if it's 200 dates.
I don't want to fucking meet them cats.
You know, some lady said, well, I don't want you coming by the house, you know.
Okay, he's fucking mittens and bunny.
First of all, you named a cat bunny?
Oh, that's pretty nuts.
Who would name a cat bunny?
And what are you supposed to do?
Easter?
He's just losing his shit and doesn't know why.
He thinks it's his fault that once a year he fucking just loses his fucking
mind.
He starts writing Cadbury in his litter box with his arm.
Huh?
Or he fucking does that cat on the internet that does the computer?
The office space one?
The cat that works at Xerox or whatever?
What the fuck is going on?
I don't ever want to meet your cats, lady.
And you can tell them that.
I'll write them a damn note, dude.
I'll fucking write a little note on the back of a piece of salmon.
I ain't bringing you by the house until, you know, she said you ain't meeting
my cats until the fifth date.
And you know what I do if you ever do bring me over there to meet them?
I'm going to hide milk in my shoes.
And make them lose their shit.
I'll fucking hide some 4% in the bottom of each of my boots and just...
Just be that fucking lean, that leche stepper.
And have those little motherfuckers losing their minds.
So I don't want to even date that, you know.
I ain't being no cat step daddy, lady.
So get your mind right.
But anyway, what were we talking about, Sarah?
Yeah, celibacy.
I mean, you know what they say.
This pussy ain't for everybody.
That's what they say usually when people are celibate.
And they say, you know, you must respect this house.
And that's actually, I think, part of a...
Under Armour ad.
Under Armour ad.
But still, it's similar in that sense.
You know, you must respect this vajouse.
You feel me?
This vajassal.
You know what I'm saying?
The drawbridge is up on this vajassal.
And that's what you're saying.
And I think you let a guy know that in the beginning.
Just say, if you're looking for...
If you're not looking for something serious,
but don't bait him with it the whole time either.
Don't draw a little bit of, you know.
Don't draw a little, you know,
leave a little pubic hairs on the napkin.
You know, don't leave a little pubic hairs on his plate
after he's done eating.
So he, you know, he goes to the bathroom after dinner
and he comes back and he got some frickin' pubic hairs
on the edge of his plate.
He's gonna be like, what's it, what?
Don't trick him like that.
You know, just tell him straight up.
And don't hold it over his head.
Oh, maybe next time.
Don't do all of that shit.
You know, don't do, you know.
It's not a bartering tool.
You know, it's a...
But it is.
It's your item.
You know, and maybe he don't want to share the wiener.
A lot of these ladies thinking,
oh, I'm keeping the kitty at the, you know,
at the corral.
You know, I'm keeping the carp at the...
In the cauldron.
But what if sometimes a man don't want to share the wiener with you, ladies?
Sometimes I ain't fuckin' sharing the wiener.
I'll tell you, look, wiener's out, you know,
out of order.
I'll hang a dang sign.
I'll tie a little, you know, I'll put a little...
I'll tie a little...
I'll shave a message into my public area.
Gone fishing.
That's what I'll write.
Because sometimes your manning...
The wiener's not always available.
So don't act like it's always red.
It's always out there for you.
I think everybody could say, look,
it's no dick August.
You know what I'm saying?
That's what I'm doing, ladies.
Who's ready for no dick August?
These ladies thinking they keep getting this wiener whenever they want.
Think again.
Walking in a wiener wonderland.
No, you're not.
You better moonwalk your ass on out of here.
Because you's lost...
You's having a damn lunar eclipse if you think you're getting this wiener
anytime, any day.
This ain't the 7-Eleven a dick, boo-boo.
Okay?
This dick got limited hours.
Okay?
This the Chase Bank a dick.
And you better...
This is only during certain hours.
And also, I'm only working some time with private clients.
So that's what I'm saying.
This wiener ain't available forever.
What are we talking about?
But if you're trying to be celibate, look, I think you tell them up top.
What do you think, Nick?
Yeah, I agree.
That's a good way to weed them out.
Yeah.
Good evening, good afternoon, and other times.
Thanks for watching that video you just saw.
I mean, it was okay.
But the next video you can watch could be way better.
What if you watch a video right now that changes your life?
Well, you could.
Watch this one.
Or, watch this one.
Watch this one.
Watch this one.
Watch this one.
Ah!
Ah!