Name: What Drug Would You Never Take? Theo Von & Andrew Santino
Uploaded: 2020-08-09T16:41:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'What Drug Would You Never Take? Theo Von & Andrew Santino' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-08-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'What Drug Would You Never Take? Theo Von & Andrew Santino' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-08-09. Transcript available.

yo cheeto fucking i've got a question for you what drug wouldn't you take i
think mine is probably
fucking heroin because you know no fucking needles what's up so what do you
think gang
dude a big guy like that could handle a little hair he could handle some wind
yeah for sure
freaking you know a little vein the size of those baseball mitt hands he's oh
you could shoot right
into that middle finger dog you know what i'm saying he said what drug wouldn't
i take yeah i
mean i he did say but that's the thing about the mistake of heroin he thinks
you just have to
shoot it you don't have to just shoot it you could snort it you can smoke it so
like needles scare him
you could snort and smoke heroin that's not i don't think i would want to do
heroin but i think the
drug i really wouldn't take um i don't think i i don't think i will i don't
think i'll ever do
ayahuasca i know people i don't know i don't really want it i don't know and
people having a real
religious experience on it i don't know if i really i've done dmt once and that
was fun but i don't
know i don't really want to do drugs anymore i barely smoke pot anymore damn i
just like drinking
you sound like a damn grandparent you don't want to do drugs anymore i don't
want to do drugs anymore
man i think i did drugs that i need to do i think i've done enough drugs that i
needed to do but what
about i could see you i did mushrooms this weekend i did mushrooms this weekend
okay now we're getting
somewhere but they're chocolate mushrooms and you take a little bit not like
you feel anything or not
yeah you feel a little fun it's a little fun who'd you take them with the missus
some buds some
people came over i had people it was um it was two of my friends birthdays and
we threw a little like
happy birthday and then we projected a movie on the garage wall outside i got a
projector yes and we
watched the sandlot probably one of the best movies of all time does the wife
drug or not no no drugs
no drugs just drinking she doesn't she never did drugs never tried never really
got into them wow
she's not opposed to them but i i've also just grown weary of doing drugs i don't
want to do i did drugs
when i was young as much as i could and then now i'm like what is it do you
feel like the body can't
handle it do you feel like it's not that's that's the first step is it yeah i
just i can't my your
body is you ruin two days now yeah i used to be able to do drugs and function
go to work yeah i should
do drugs at work yeah yeah yeah think about that half the people that are at
work all right are on
drugs yeah yeah all the chefs at a kitchen bro yeah it's your order comes out
quick that's drugs that's
yeah people are like oh man this this restaurant's great dude he's just he's amped
the fuck up that's
drugs on meth eggs hash browns eggs eggs he knows how to throw it out i was i
just i just never i just
got to a point i think where i did a lot of drugs when i was young and then now
all i like to do was
smoke some weed and drink but even weed has taken a backseat in my life i don't
know why i just i just
don't and do you ever remember i remember getting so high at this girl's house
one time when i was young
that i couldn't even i remember telling some girl like i remember being stuck
in this bedroom like
laying on my back on this bed or couch huh and i was so high like everybody
else had gotten high and
gone and do something fun right right and i was like all right i'm coming and
as i'm getting up to
leave out of the door i can't i couldn't get out of my body i couldn't my body
was stuck i've been
there yeah and so i'm like laying there and some girl came back in the room to
get something right
and i remember just being like hey hey hey you know get me you know get me and
i remember this
girl looking at me and i think she thought i was trying to hit on her or
something i might have
been you know because even half and half yeah even though i'm down for the
count you know i can't move
but i'll fuck yeah halfway through a 10 count i'll still get my dick up you
know even at six i'll
fucking say come fuck you know but um but i remember this girl just looking at
me and i remember
speaking but i couldn't i it was the only scent like skill i had left was to
speak to get it out
yeah like get me get me you know and they left man and i just remember being
trapped there literally
felt like i was loitering in my own body that wouldn't move yeah like just
wandering around
the hallways in my body trespassing yeah trespassing you wanted to call the
cops on yourself
get out of my body yeah i had i i got so high one time at a college party and i
went in this girl's
room uh to just get away from people because i was getting i was like my heart
was jumping i was
feeling really fucked up and i was like having a panic attack that i'm like i'm
too drunk i'm too
fucking high i'm on a few things i'm feeling real fucked up so i go i go oh
dude i hate it i go and
sit down in her bed and i curled up and i woke up to her and her roommate
screaming at me like get
the fuck out get the fuck out you fucking i was like not doing anything i'm too
high i had like
to dry tears at this point because i cried prayed to god 10 times don't don't
don't let me die like
this in this fucking in this girl's one bedroom one bath i don't i just don't
want to die in a small
place yeah i want to die in a big house it doesn't have to be mine yeah but if
i'm going to
die of drugs i want to die in a big house oh wow you know dying in a small
place is sad yeah
if you're right there they find you right away they walk in they know you're
right there there's
no there's no investigation there's no mystery there's no allure right there's
no hearing their
heels uh walk on the on the nice floors as they look for you yeah no where
could he be is he in here
no no no not in there upstairs yeah yeah he's not up here yeah no i didn't want
to die i didn't
want to die like that i did that's what college was college was bad for me like
that i got myself
in bad situations in college with drugs that's probably why i don't want to do
them anymore
just just nights of like i remember sitting watching my buddy and were you
doing cocaine
or drugs just every i did anything that came my way i would take all sorts of
fun shit as long
as other people were doing it i'll take it i'd throw a pill in my throat i didn't
really i was
like okay if other people were doing it i was down to have fun with if we were
all doing it
but i remember one night my buddy was playing he played acoustic guitar and he
was he was so high
on cocaine that he was playing so much and his you know he's doing that like
coke mouth and he
doesn't even realize he's cutting his finger his cuticles are bleeding because
he's playing so hard
but i didn't want to stop him because the song was so good i just let him ride
it out you know
what i mean like a musical bible yeah you're only going to get dave matthews
crash into me so many
times live so i was like let that motherfucker play evening good afternoon and
other times thanks
for watching that video you just saw i mean it was okay but the next video you
could watch could be way
better what if you watch a video right now that changes your life well you
could watch this one or
watch this one watch this one watch this one watch this one ah