Name: Theo Von on Relationship Animals
Uploaded: 2020-08-15T18:29:57.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von on Relationship Animals' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-08-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von on Relationship Animals' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-08-15. Transcript available.

and i was just trying to see if you had any advice on getting of your first
love honestly
i was 18 when i first met this girl and now i'm 20 and she was my first
everything
first girlfriend first love we had gotten a dog together and everything i
thought
we were in it for the long run you know then she finally broke up with me and
oh you got that dog
together this is something that's going on these days uh this is something that
is going on a
relationship animal and you gotta shut it down if it's a real type of animal if
it's a fish dude or
you and your girl you know y'all split a cricket or something you know where y'all
go halfsies on a
little oyster you know or a lazard bro that's fine but once you go and get a
puppy or something that
can really look at you and maybe remember a little bit of shit you know a
strong mouse or whatever
you're creating havoc within the nk brother the nature kingdom because you
because you got a joint
animal now you got the animal she's got the animal y'all split up what is the
ant now he's doing what
now he's all scared he starts wetting the bed at night you know he he he hears
y'all arguing in the
kitchen and shit you know he he starts eating alone at school you know he
starts going home with other
animals that he's not even really interested in you know he starts hiding under
the bed he starts you
know he sees y'all going y'all separate ways you know it's just if you get a
relationship animal it's
dangerous you know you know you now you got an american water spaniel or
whatever he thinks it's
his fault you know he doesn't you know he quits uh you know he's staying up
late at night and reading
you know reading scary novels you know you if a relationship animal it's just
it's not that you
can't put that kind of pressure on an animal if you don't know you're married
to the person or whatever
bring your own animals into a relationship you don't get an animal once you're
together
now all that it just it's too much on that animal's back you know now you got
you know next thing you
know you got a raccoon out there he's vaping by the recycling bin because he
can't handle his emotions
because he doesn't know you know who still cares about him you know sure your
little parakeet's getting
two christmases now but it just i think the the risks of of it outweigh the
reward
yeah and these relationship animals they're the two owners they start fighting
and they start giving
both of them are giving the animal a treat oh here i got a treat for you you
love me you love danny
don't you and then oh i got a treat for you you love sandra and then the animal
doesn't know what
to do is just treat it out now it's all hopped up on treats it's gained 30 40
pounds the next thing
you know is down there at the damn methadone clinic so it's just you can't don't
get a relationship animal
just that's really all all that place is going to be is just a cul-de-sac where
you get where you and
your partner just drive by and just throw y'all's fucking problems out into the
street that's all
that relationship animal is so if you're going to get an animal get an animal
for yourself don't get this
little halfway house you know living creature that both you guys are just using
passively aggressively
towards one another don't get it because all you're really getting is just a
little passive
aggressive pet where you guys are just sending it this way and sending it that
way you know just a
little paul revere or whatever yeah next and next thing you know it's lashing
out you know it's at the
parakeet park or whatever at a dog park you know it's biting other things it's
fucking stealing fruit or
something over by the um vons or by the um you know it's stealing fruit over
there by the win dixie
it's just you don't do it you know it's just you're better than that you are
better than that and
this animal deserves better and it'll start thinking if it's if it's his fault
you know you'll see
sometimes some of these you know these animals these relationship animals and
they're out there
you'll see them over there i see them off of the 101 at night sometimes you
know kicking a can down
the side of the interstate you know just just i don't know i think there's just
better ways to go
about it good evening good afternoon and other times thanks for watching that
video you just saw
i mean it was okay but the next video you could watch could be way better what
if you watch a video
right now that changes your life well you could watch this one or watch this
one watch this one watch this one
watch this one watch this one ah